Don't dream it's over

by Linneagb

Carly Beaker always had dreams. So did her daughter but all of their dreams seemed to be crushed in one way or another. For Carly we don't know. But maybe Tracy somehow got her happily ever after.

This story is written for x snow-pony x.

For the OC's in the story I have made Polyvore edits.

July the thirteenth, 1991

Carly Beaker always had dreams.

And we're not talking about those lame excuses of dreams. Of becoming something lame like a nurse or an accountant or a vet, a pilot, a journalist or a photographer. Who ever dreamt of becoming something like that?

And those stating that the only dream they had were to be happy with whatever they'd end up doing- Huh? Lamest of them all!

No, Carly Beaker had had bigger dreams than that. She wanted to become an actress. And not someone that she had seen in the local theater doing their plays over and over again. No, a real one. She wanted to star in the biggest movies. She wanted people to notice her when she walked down the street. She wanted to sign some autographs and see her names in neon lights.

Carly wanted to be famous. She wanted to travel the world and get paid for it. See all the things she had dreamt to see, sing songs before anybody else had even heard them and see her face on the biggest screens. Hear her voice from the loudest speakers and she wanted to live and make the most of her life as it was possible.

Well… All of that had kind of changed. In one night.

Or make that a one-night-stand because it had and would mean what would become of the rest of Carly Beaker's sixteen year old life. And in her arms laid a girl. A little girl with a thick thatch of black hair, big, blue eyes and a big, toothless smile. The little girl was two months and five days old. And her name was Tracy Beaker.

Carly thought back to the last year. It now seemed like a thousand years ago but she had had the perfect teenage life. Loads of friends, boyfriend, her parents' had a load of money and she had dreams bigger than the state of America. And then one night, and one party and she had lost it all. Lost it all to the small human being in her arms.

A part of Carly hated her own daughter and every little piece of her. Which only made Carly hate herself even more. And there were a lot of people who hated her. Her parents kicked her out, she lived in some sort of home for teenage mothers and had never even talked to any of the other girls here. She missed her old friends, her boyfriend had broken up with her when he found out she had slept with another guy. (Even though Carly never got the chance to tell him that she had actually said 'no') And with that Carly hated herself most of all.

All of those dreams of money and fame had been crushed in that one and only one (night stand). And when Carly looked down into baby Tracy's big eyes. She mostly wanted to cry about everything that she had lost rather than be happy she had gotten what so many others never did.

"Carly" One of the staff members of the home Carly and Tracy lived at knocked on their door. "Don't you want to take little Tracy out for a walk in the stroller? The weather is lovely."

No, she didn't want to take a walk with the stroller. Enough of people hated her without glares from all of those seeing a mother way too young to be a mother.

This couldn't be the way all of those dreams were meant to end up.

July the thirteenth 2001

Tracy Beaker always had dreams

Tracy had dreamt that she and her mum, Carly Beaker could break away from that one guy after the other. How many guys had Carly been with that Tracy could remember? Four? Five? Thirty? However many there were, there were in but the ten years since Tracy was born.

And here she laid, flat on her back. Ten years, two months and five days old. On a new bed, in a new house, in a new town. Without those stupid men that her mum had brought with her, one after the other. Tracy would have liked it if it was only that. But it wasn't only that. Tracy was also here without her mum.

"Welcome." Suddenly there was someone standing in the doorway to her room. Tracy had been so far gone in her own thoughts she hadn't heard him coming. And she more or less flew onto her feet and backed towards the wall. "Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you."

"WHO ARE YOU?" Poor Tracy Beaker asked. "BUG OFF."

"I just thought I'd tell you a bit about this place." The man still sounded calmly despite Tracy's shouting. "I suppose Elaine already gave you the usual speech about that it looks big and scary now but you'll make some new friends. My name is Michael Milligan by the way. I'm a care worker here, you can call me Mike and as well does everybody else."

"I don't care, so bug off."

"If you want to. I can get a couple of the other kids. They have all been where you are right now and I know a couple of them could be great to talk with. One of them is a girl just about your age. Do you want me to go get them?"

To this Tracy didn't answer, she just slumped down on her bed again, laid down flat on her back with her hands under her curly, black hair. She barely even heard Mike leave the room, and while some part of her wanted to be alone. Another part of her young heart and mind was relieved when she heard voices as Mike Milligan and two children got closer. And already before they had reached her door she sat up to greet them. Mike she had already met, and with him he had a girl about Tracy's own age with long, blonde hair. And a bit younger boy wearing an old-fashioned, knitted shirt.

"Louise and Peter this is Tracy Beaker. Tracy this is Louise Goven and Peter Ingham."

"Hello." Louise and Peter said at the same time. Then laughed when they realized they'd said it at the same time.

"Hi…" Louise was the first one to step forward and she came to sit down on Tracy's bed. "I'm Louise and I'm nine years old. I've been here at Stowey House for a long time. And I know it all seems big and scary now. But you get used to it quite fast. We are many who live here along with Mike, Duke, Jenny and sometimes Elaine who works here. Sometimes it does happen all of a sudden every now and then that somebody gets fostered or even adopted. But not many couple's wants to foster older kids so some of the older ones, like Adele for example have been here for ages."

"Well I'm not going to be here for ages. Because my mum is coming to get me." Tracy tried and forced herself to believe it was true. "She's going to notice how much she needs me and then she's going to break up with her stupid boyfriend and come and get me again. Because it was his fault she left me. And actually, she is the best mum ever."

"Hello…" The younger boy had stepped forward to, stepped forward, bowed to Tracy and then gave her a big, toothless smile. "I'm Peter… But Mike already said that…" Peter giggled a bit shyly. Then stood up tall, stretched his back and seemed to make up his mind to seem more secure than he felt "I'm the youngest one except for one named Maxy. And I was the newest until today. I've only been here for three weeks but Louise is right. You get used to the way things are."

"There are more kids here." Louise said. "We can all be friends almost always. Except for me and one girl there have been only boys since I came here more than year ago. And Adele, the only girl except for us two is way older than us so she's not exactly my kind of friend. We could be friends. We could be best friends if you want to."

"Yeah." Peter continued to what the older girl had said and in the corner of her eye Tracy could see Mike smiling proudly. "You can be my best friend too. I'm the newest here so I don't know many yet. But we can get to know them together. And we're all kind of here for the same reason- we've got no parents to look after us. So we need to stick together and be friends. There are me and Louise and…" Tracy interrupted before Peter started nagging all the names of the people at this place. God knows how many there were anyway.

"So all the kids are here because their parents didn't want them?"

"My mum wanted me." Louise Goven said. "But she died in a car crash."

"My nan wanted me too." Peter Ingham said in his usual, innocent way. "But she was old and she died because her heart was too tired to keep on beating anymore."

Tracy Beaker looked from Louise, to Peter and to Mike. She felt tears burning behind her eyes, she just wanted to be back with her mum. Only her mum and not those stupid guys.

"This place is still like a dumping ground… A dumping ground for kids." Tracy sat down again, pulled up her feet and hugged her knees. "Now bug off." None of the others moved. "I SAID BUG OFF."

"Come on kids." Mike said calmly and laid each hand on Louise and Peter's shoulders. "I think Tracy needs to be alone for a minute." The last thing Tracy could see before she looked away to hide the tears in her eyes was Mike giving her a slight, comforting smile and then they walked out of the room. "Come find me if you need anything."

As the door closed after Mike, Louise and Peter Tracy was filled with a feeling that was stronger than ever and while the strange feeling of loneliness filled up her whole body Tracy laid down and pushed her face into the pillow to suppress the sound of her sobs.

This couldn't be the way all of those dreams were meant to end up.

July the thirteenth 2011

Tracy Beaker always had dreams.

But despite all of those dreams that had come and went. Right now was the only things she had her phone and an email stating that her dream job at the moment had been given to somebody else. And in the kitchen in the house that had ever felt like home. Tracy didn't know whether she would able to pull herself together to apply for another job. Not ever.

"Are you alright pumpkin?"

Mike Milligan, Tracy's boss and the leader of her internship came to sit down next to her. He gave her a pat on the shoulder and believe my words. If there was anyone who knew more than anyone about Tracy and all of her lives' dreams- it was Mike himself.

"Yeah." Tracy forced a smile. "You know that job I applied to? I got the news from it just now. They found someone better. But that might be good, because I'll have a day or two extra to finish off my job here before I have to jump into the next one."

Tracy was trying to cover how hopeless she actually felt. And how much she had wanted the job she applied for. Which was hard now by the way... Mike had told her before how much her eyes had just glittered when she spoke about the job still believing she'd had a chance to get it. She didn't even know why it had meant so much to her. It was still only a job among many.

Maybe it was just simply that it was the first job she had managed herself to apply to. Well, except for the one at this very dumping ground with her old care worker but that didn't really count.

"Yeah… I… I…" Tracy shook her head to return to reality and cleared her throat for her voice to sound steadier. "It's just that… that job gave me some sort of idea and plan for… for what happens after this I mean… do you get what I mean?"

"I do get what you mean Tracy. I have been young too and completely frightened of the future more times than you could count. Look… I don't know where you're going to be in a year from now Trace. Just as little as you know yourself. Nor I neither anybody else know where I am going to be tomorrow because I could accidentally step in front of a van on my way home tonight and it would all be over. And if I do, then all of my worries for tomorrow or next week or next year. They'll all have been for nothing. It's only a job Tracy. And you are the one and only Tracy Beaker, and wherever you will go from here I know you. And I know you will be making the very most of it."

Tracy Beaker suppressed a sigh, all of her energy had been spent on hoping and believing and finding out more about the job she had applied for. Then when she found out she didn't get it it was like all of that energy just drained out of her veins and left her sitting by this kitchen island tonight in her feelings weaker and more hopeless than ever.

"You are the strongest person I know Tracy Beaker." Mike continued, as if he knew her exact feelings. "You are also the craziest and most impulsive person I know. That part isn't always as good as other times. But I do know that without all of those sides we'd never had end up here today. And without those we will never end up where we're going to be in another one, two or eighty years. And you are going to end up somewhere great. I promise- and I don't ever make promises I can't keep."

"It's a bit hard to think like that right now." Tracy replied, referring to Mike's promise and fearing her voice would break soon. "If you don't mind. I think I'd need some time on my own."

Mike didn't move.

"Bug off."

It was the first time in God knows how many years Tracy had used her old slang to get what she wanted. She barely noticed she had, and there wasn't that anger and shouting that it had always been before. But a weak almost whispering tone of someone wanting, but at the same time not wanting to be alone in her misery and self-pitying. Mike however noticed the words, and with a slight smile he stood up, gave Tracy's shoulder a pat. Believing that the use of the old Tracy Beaker quote was yet a sign that she was being serious. And with that he left Tracy alone in the half- dark kitchen.

Unlike Mike, Tracy Beaker stayed by that kitchen island. Elbow on the desk and head hanging in her hand at first. For the first time since she had spent all of Cam's money and ended back up here Tracy Beaker was filled with regret. All of the time since then and she was still back here. And when she wasn't anymore? Where was she supposed to go then?

Tracy laid her arm on the table and her head on her arm tiredly and forced the tears away. The last couple of years had been the happiest, strangest, craziest times of her life. And her conscience of almost regretting it could have broken her down at that very minute.

This couldn't be the way all of those dreams were meant to end up.

July the thirteenth 2017

I, Tracy Beaker always had dreams

Well, it might have been they didn't exactly work out as planned…

"Today is my birthday." One of the girls shouted at me and the head care worker of the care home I worked at nowadays. "I asked for TWO THINGS. A freaking cake. And to get away from all OF YOU. And here I am with a bunch of stupid kids and stupid care workers in this stupid park. And you didn't even bring me something to eat. You forgot about me. As-freaking-usual."

"Aislin…." I tried at the girl calmly. "…We did not forget about you. But there were a lot of things that needed to be brought here and somehow the box with your veggie food got forgotten. But we did not forget about you. And you will have cake. We just couldn't bring it here because it would melt in the sun and…"

"UGH. JUST BUG OFF." Aislin shouted with her Irish accent. Then stomped away from us. "I HATE YOU ALL."

For a moment memories flashed by for my inner vision. That stupid birthday when the whole cake was smashed and then they fixed it all with making some pudding out of it. And then Ben coming there with his music things and Peter who shared birthday with me and…

"It's my birthday too." I heard next to me. I smiled down at the four year old next to me and pulled a hand through his curly, frizzy hair. "I am four years old today and I'm having a good birthday. But it doesn't seem Aislin is having one."

"I know Jake." I at last managed to get my fingers out of his curls without pulling his hair and instead laid that hand on his shoulder. "But don't worry. We'll handle it. And we still have got some very nice cupcakes. And since it's your birthday and you're being nice. You'll get to choose first. Which one would you like, Nutella, strawberry vanilla or blackberry and coconut?" Jake smiled mischievously and giggled. He was all for Nutella. "Why don't you go and see if you can get Aislin back here?" I pointed with my whole hand to where she had gone. "Perhaps she'll be nicer to you than us others because it's your birthday too." Jacob nodded and then ran down the hill to get Aislin. I smiled silently as I watched and didn't really think about the footsteps I heard behind me until I heard a voice.

"Tracy Beaker?"

I'd recognize that voice among a million other ones.

"Mike."

I hit my arms out and lurched forward to hug him. Then stopped in the middle of the movement. And looking down on my belly. Seven months pregnant and my Gosh that thing was getting in the way all the time. At last I turned my side on Mike and did my best to still hug him as tightly as possible.

"It's been so long." Mike said once I took a step back and his eyes seemed to go from my face, to my belly to check if he had seen it right and then up to my face again. "How… how are you?"

"I… I'm good." I could hardly understand how tense the atmosphere was between us. "I'm good. I work at a care home about an hour's ride away from here. And… and…" I could hardly choose the right words or know what not to or what to mention. "Ehm…"

"So this is the famous Mike huh?" The head care worker, and my boss came over to me from behind all of a sudden and I drew a deep breath in relief and shook hands with Mike. "Jeremiah Nichols. Very nice to meet you. And…"

"JERRY. TRACY…"

"BE RIGHT THERE." Jeremiah shouted back as soon as he had checked nobody's life was in danger. "You two catch up a bit. I'll take care of ours." He patted my shoulder and then left. "And Aislin, cut that out right now."

"She's a handful."

"Really?" I had expected Mike to agree with me from the little she had seen from our new-become-teenager. "Because she reminds me of a certain someone."

Something in between me and Mike seemed to light up once Jeremiah had stepped in between the two of us and suddenly I didn't even know where to start. And while still remembering back to where I was that night when I and Mike met for the very first time. It took me what felt like a year before I knew one word from two.

"I was that bad?"

"Nope." Mike shook his head. "You were worse." He gave a short chuckle, laid a hand on my back and slowly started moving away from the kids so we'd get some privacy. Which didn't work out too well with all of Oakwall care home's kids. And suddenly from behind the curly haired, little birthday boy had run up next to me.

"Hi." He smiled brightly up on Mike and took my hand. "Do you know Tracy?"

"Yes. I do for a fact know Tracy. I've known her for a really, really long time" Mike laughed and I thanked God he wasn't one to get annoyed by these kind of kids that came right up to you. "And… do you know what? A little birdy just told me it's a very special day today." Jacob nodded so hard the curls bobbed up and down towards his forehead. "Happy birthday little guy… hold on… You've got something behind your ear."

I shook my head at Mike's stupid 'magic' tricks with pulling out a coin from behind Jacob's ear. Of course I knew all about it and had seen it way too many times to be impressed. But Jake's eyes had grown wide and his mouth fell open. And his reaction only made me happier than what most other joyful things in life could.

"Whoa. How did you do that?"

"Nah young man." Mike stood up again. "A magician never reveals his secrets. Here, happy birthday." Mike handed the coin to Jacob- it wasn't much but Jake looked up at Mike like he had just given him the world. "How old are you again?" Jacob held up four fingers. "Four? Whoa you're such a big boy aren't you?"

"You haven't even got your own birthday yet…" Jacob said thoughtfully towards my belly. "…But when you do I'll give you loads and loads of presents."

"That's good Jacob." I smiled and chose my words carefully not for Jacob to be able to take my words the wrong way and think that I wished to get rid of him for some reason. "But will you let me and Mike talk on our own for a bit? I'll be right with you soon. And I think…" I leaned closer and almost whispered. "Tell Jerry I told you that you guys should have those cupcakes now. Okay?" Jacob nodded so his curls bobbed up and down again. Then turned on his heel and ran up the hill "Good boy."

"I have to say." Mike said with a thoughtful frown on his face. "He does remind me of someone too."

"Strange isn't it. How some things can be the same even though so much has changed? I mean, from going to that curly- haired, constantly angry… you know what I mean. I didn't want to become more than famous and rich and… I wonder what that little girl would think about her older self. That this old Tracy is a failure if I knew her right. Here I am- at a dumping ground, seven months pregnant and working hard to pay the bills… It was never what I wanted to become back then. And here I am with the old me and the old Peter."

"You're not a failure Trace." Mike and I stopped by an old bench not far away from the children and sat down. Well sitting he put his arm around my shoulders, I slightly leaned my head back against his shoulder and laid my hands against my belly. "Not anywhere close. But the fact that you're a care worker… oh, let's not listen to that younger Tracy Beaker now. Because only here and now matters. And here and now I am prouder than I ever knew I could be."

"Aw, you always knew the right things to say."

"Hold on. I wasn't finished. I meant to say you might not be rich, you might not be famous. And I might certainly not be the gold medalist I wanted to become when I was ten. But life's not over and certainly not for you. You've still got your whole life in front of you. And then in another ten years yours and… are you and Seth still together?" I nodded. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else than him. "Yours and Seth's child will be just about as old as you were when you were put in care. And you…. You won't be able to understand how anyone could have left their child behind like that. And I know that because I know you, you will be the best mum ever. Believe me, becoming a parent is the greatest treasure of all. Way on top over money or fame. And you have been, are and will be the best you there ever were. And each step we have taken have left us here today. So who knows what tomorrow, or next year, or next decade brings. And then one day you'll be looking back wondering when all those years went by. And whether you're rich or famous, a writer whose books have actually been read or living on the street because you have no money left. You will still be you and I, and I bet several others do love you for it. Love you. More than anything."

I smiled through the tears that had risen in my eyes and shook my head trying for my fringe to fall so it would cover them. I should have known I could never keep anything from Mike and he pulled his arm tighter around my shoulders.

"Hay fever?"

"No." I laughed at that stupid lie I had told so many times. "Pregnancy hormones." I took a deep breath and leaned my head back towards Mike's shoulder. I felt him move and then his lips only slightly touching the top of my head while one memory after the other flashed by for my inner vision. "All those books I spent all of Cam's money on…" Neither I nor Mike could help but laugh when I suddenly had to mention one of the memories that had led to so many steps that had brought me here. "…No, they didn't exactly get too popular and the money I made on it I had to use to pay Cam back the money I'd spent. All of those years ago the last thing I would have wanted for sure was to be back at the dumping ground. But…" In the middle of something in between a word and a sigh I stopped talking and looked away towards the group of 'my' children as Aislin watched angrily while Jacob got to choose his cupcake first.

So many times had I dreamed of doing things in the age that I was now. So many dreams about riding in a limo, talk in front of loads of people, write for thousands and thousands- if not millions of people and the compliments rushing in after the other.

And here I was, I had been riding in an old, barely working van to get here. One of the birthday children wasn't happy with anything here and certainly wouldn't ever be neither. And the birthday boy followed every step of his biggest idol. And who was his biggest idol today (it could change from one day to another) if not the one he shared birthday with? And this was certainly not what I had ever dreamed of, not ever wanted. Or more like- not ever knew I wanted. And every little step I had taken in the dark, or in the light. Had lead me here to this sunny, beautiful day in a goddamn park with a bunch of children. I wasn't wearing gold or diamonds, I was wearing a maternity shirt and I looked huge in it. I was tired out of my mind from the baby kicking all night and keeping me awake.

But my God… I had never been happier.

"Leading me here today must have been what all of those dreams were about."

Aislin Connors and Jacob Cooper are portrayed by Baby Kaely and Ocean Maturo. Jeremiah Nichols is portrayed by Gary Oldman.

And do you one thing about one of the portrayers? In the story Jacob and Aislin share birthday July the thirteenth. But in reality- Ocean Maturo shares birthday with his older brother August Maturo. August the twenty eighth.

Random fact

I've been wanting back and forth about whether I should put this here or not but… oh well, it's not a secret anyway.

This spring I applied to two different schools where I would have been able to study to become a medical secretary. And then I spent the rest of the spring (I applied at the beginning/ middle of April) and half the summer waiting to hear. At the beginning of… well why I am I even tell you this?

In a shorter story, I didn't get in- that's what. And that's where the idea of the third scenario comes from. And the news that came last came last week- at July the thirteenth and therefore the dates of the scenarios in this story.