Disclaimer: The 1980s-1990s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon and all related characters, places, Etc. belong to Kevin Eastman, Peter Laird, and Fred Wolf Films. Nor do I own CinemaSins or CinemaWins.
It took me a while, but I got all Ten seasons on DVD!
Notes: If you're bored, go on YouTube and look up CinemaSins! Their videos are Hilarious! Not to mention CinemaWins' videos will: Warm. Your. Heart! I watched CinemaWins' "Everything GREAT About Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"? Somewhere between One Third to Half way through the video, I cried like a baby!
On that, why not just call it "The Mirror of Desire"? Notice how Awesome that sounds, instead of turning the word desire backwards; 'Erised'?
Without any more ado, I, White Lego Ninja, give you:
Everything Wrong with Raphael Knocks 'Em Dead! (Original Story by Jack Mendelsohn)
*Mike complains while Don installs a Digital Flatscreen TV*
Me: Mike is impatient, therefore a terrible ninja.
Sin Counter: 1
Win Counter: 0
Same Scene:
Me: God, I LOVE this angle of the Lair though! I would kill for a similar setup; But in a Basement of an apartnemt building, make the couch a Hide-A-Sofa, and put in a Kitchenette and bathroom somewhere; Like StayBridge Suites in Wyoming.
Sin Counter: 1
Win Counter: 15
Same Scene:
Me: Also, why the Hell don't the Turtles have this awesome thing the rest of the series, but switch back to the crummy old one? I mean, go for the classics if you're nostalgic, sure. But...
Sin Counter: 2
Win Counter: 15
Don: A Hundred and Twelve different channels to choose from.
Me: I had Dish Network for a while, (Miss the Heck out of it now.) which boasted Two Hundred and Fifty channels; A Hundred Thirty-Eight more than theirs, and ever since they took off MAV TV (Channel 248) and when Cartoon Network and Boomerang went to the toilet in 2007, I could barely get watchable material out of them! Suddenly want to move in with the Turtles.
Sin Counter: 3
Win Counter: 15
*Don turns on TV and one of the Stockman twins is on*
Me: Is that Baxter, or his identical twin Barney?
Sin Counter: 4
Win Counter: 15
Raph: You gotta be kiddin'. I'd rather watch a Test Pattern.
Me: What, you're the lost pet turtle of Honker from Darkwing Duck now? For those who don't know, see Darkwing Duck episode; "Night of the Living Spud"
Sin Counter: 5
Win Counter: 15
Mike: Get serious, Dudes! The Banana Slug That Slimed Detroit is about to start!
Me: Really, Mike?! What the Heck happened to you when you four were born?! Get "Serious"?!
Sin Counter: 6
Win Counter: 15
Leo: What?! And miss the Kickboxing Tournament?!
Me: Leo has a point there! I wanna learn all I can about Kickboxing, by watching as much Televised Kickboxing as I can! And that's to say nothing about all the UFC, MMA, Unicycling and Endurocross I wanna lay back, tuck in my blankets and watch on snowy winter weekends.
Sin Counter: 7
Win Counter: 15
*Mike holds up the TV Guide so we see the inside; The Pages are blank*
Me: Mm, mm, mm. Mike making stuff up to get his way with the TV again. Did NO ONE learn their lesson from the Season Three episode; "Turtles On Trial"?!
Sin Counter: 8
Win Counter: 15
Raph: I say we tune into the Laugh Channel.
Me: Or, if you guys have Internet, you could watch LittleKuriboh's Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged Series, or Spaz Boys Comedy's Reaction Videos to them.
Sin Counter: 9
Win Counter: 15
Leo: The short straw gets to watch his program.
Me: No, no, no, a Godzillion times NO! Watch the scene of their hands VERY CAREFULLY, and you'll see in the VERY VERY LEFT EDGE of the screen, the Purple of Don's Wrist Guard gets the short straw! But the episode - Raphael the Star of it - is called "Raphael" Knocks 'Em Dead, Not Donatello!
Sin Counter: 49
Win Counter: 15
Leo: Anyone interested in some pizza?
Me: Ever since I was first introduced to you guys, I can't go ONE WEEKEND without pizza and soda!
Sin Counter: 49
Win Counter: 30
Raph: Sore Losers!
Me: No, Raph, you're what's called a Sore Winner!
Sin Counter: 50
Win Counter: 30
Joey: I met a girl with a strange growth on her neck. It was her head.
Me: *Yawns*
Sin Counter: 51
Win Counter: 30
Joey: She sprayed so much mousse in her hair, she grew antlers.
Me: Hahaha, what?!
Sin Counter: 52
Win Counter: 45
Raph: I could be a great comic, if I weren't so busy protecting the world from Evil-Doers.
Me: I wanna be a comic and a Ninja-esque Heroine too!
Sin Counter: 53
Win Counter: 45
*Raph lifts the sewer lid and ends up in a basement like area complete with what looks like a cupboard on the left of the screen*
Me: Awesome! Safe from storms, the Sewers for if you need to use the bathroom... Just put in some Electricity, Wi-Fi, a Kitchenette, and a Hide-A-Sofa, and I'd almost want to live here!
Sin Counter: 51
Win Counter: 60
*Raph breaks man's table; Pretending sewer lid is a pizza*
Raph: Well, you said heavy on the anchovies.
Me: No, Raph, he did not. I swear he did not!
Sin Counter: 52
Win Counter: 60
Raph: I can watch what's going on from here without being seen.
Comic: Uh,, you here for the tryouts?
Me: Hahaha, What?! And he's supposed to be a, haha, Ninja for Crying out loud!
Sin Counter: 53
Win Counter: 60
Sheky: I never forget a face. But in your case, I'll make an exception.
Me: 'Never forget a face, your case I'll make the exception' Cliche!
Sin Counter: 54
Win Counter: 60
Raph: This guy's the pits. Even I could do better than that.
Me: Raph! I could do better than that despite my lack of experience in this field!
Sin Counter: 55
Win Counter: 60
Sheky: When your parents had you, they sure hit the Jerk-Pot.
Me: What. The. *BLEEP!*
Sin Counter: 56
Win Counter: 60
Manager: Now get out there, quick!
Comic: No way! It's one thing to die on stage, it's another thing to disappear!
Me: Wow, a Sensible comic! Despite his lack of knowledge what happens to the disappearing comics, he wishes to live. Not to mention he'd rather die than suffer whatever happens to the disappearing jokesters.
Sin Counter: 56
Win Counter: 70
Manager: This crowd is mean enough to riot! Or worse yet; Ask for their money back.
Me: Sooo... You're more worried how much money is in your pocket, than your very life? If they ask for their money back, you live unscathed, but if they riot, they tear, or burn, down your club and hunt you down until you're dead?! Just give them their money back and walk away with the most important thing; YOUR LIFE!
Sin Counter: 76
Win Counter: 70
Manager: Now get out there and Knock 'Em Dead!
Me: Close enough. Roll Credits, dammit!
Sin Counter: 77
Win Counter: 70
Raph: Wait! I'm a turtle.
Manager: Every comic's gotta have a gimic.
Me: But he IS a turtle! A Humanoid, mutated one, but still...
Sin Counter: 78
Win Counter: 70
Same Scene:
Me: Also, where's the confident Raph who said he could be a great comedian?
Sin Counter: 79
Win Counter: 70
Manager: You might say he's totally green.
Me: Don't you mean "Turtle-y Green"?
Sin Counter: 80
Win Counter: 70
*Manager slaps Raph on the back and he falls off stage*
Me: No way! You see those macaroni noodles he calls arms?! If ANYTHING; Raph didn't even budge, and he just broke his wrist and hand!
Sin Counter: 81
Win Counter: 70
Raph: Looks like I was 'Saved by the Shell'
Me: Ah, the classic 'Saved By The Shell'. That's not getting old in my lifetime, Folks.
Sin Counter: 81
Win Counter: 85
Raph: I just celebrated my Birthday. I was born under the sign of... Aquarium.
Me: Hahaha! The "Sign" of, hahaha, Aquaraium!
Sin Counter: 81
Win Counter: 95
*Scene of manhole cover; Manhole cover looks eaten through*
Me: Ok. What the Heck is the deal with this particular sewer lid?! Talk about terrible City Planning!
Sin Counter: 82
Win Counter: 95
Mike: You missed some stupenduloso pizza, Dude.
Me: Mikey, coming from you, that's not exactly saying anything. Because, from you, ANY pizza is stupendous.
Sin Counter: 83
Win Counter: 95
Raph: You know what has a hard shell, green skin, and purple feet? A turtle who makes his own Grape Juice.
Me: Or it could just be Don wearing purple gloves on his hands, and purple slippers on his feet.
Sin Counter: 84
Win Counter: 95
Don: Raphael...
Leo: ...doing standup...
Mike: ...at a Comedy Club?
All: I don't believe it!
Me: Characters chain a question together, then chorus 'I don't believe it' Cliche.
Sin Counter: 85
Win Counter: 95
Vernon: He's good all right, at making a Turtle fool of himself.
Me: Haha! A 'Turtle' fool of himself! That's great, even if it IS from Vernon!
Sin Counter: 85
Win Counter: 96
Vernon: I can make people laugh too, you know?
*Vernon falls backwards. April laughs*
Me: Hahaha! Twenty Wins; Ten for April's laughter, and Ten for Vernon's clumsiness!
Sin Counter: 85
Win Counter: 116
Raph: I've got a frog in my throat, and I'm afraid I might croak!
Me: Are you *Bleep*-ing kidding me?! That joke went out with whatever form of Entertainment was TV's predecessor; Even BEFORE Black-And-White TV!
Sin Counter: 105
Win Counter: 116
Leo: I know this sewer system like the back of my hand.
*Mike and Don grunt and noise like they bumped each other is heard*
Me: First, 'Character does not know area like back of their hand' cliche.
Sin Counter: 106
Win Counter: 116
Me: Next, WHY WOULD THEY GRUNT LIKE THAT?! They were clearly walkinhg straight!
Sin Counter: 107
Win Counter: 116
Me: I hate Mr. Thompson so bad, especially the way he treats April; VERY Sexist! I'm just adding 30 Sins!
Sin Counter: 137
Win Counter: 116
April: In my book, turtles are a LOT more important than a bunch of Moths!
Me: Actually, April, that's the way LOTS of people think.
Sin Counter: 137
Win Counter: 126
*Limo drives up to Hideaway at night*
Me: Okay... Unless Joey and the other guy were weak, or put up NO struggle whatsoever, either the hideaway is farther away than it seems, or they just strapped the captives in and went RIGHT back to the House of Ha-ha!
Sin Counter: 138
Win Counter: 126
Raph: Give a Turtle enough rope and he'll tie you up.
Me: More Turtle Puns!
Sin Counter: 138
Win Counter: 131
Raph: I've heard of Captive Audience, but never a captive performer.
Sheky: That's pretty funny, consider it stolen.
Me: So now, you're not JUST a Hack, but you STEAL other people's material?! Jerry Seinfeld's... Rival I think, Kenny Banya, is half legit compared to you!
Sin Counter: 148
Win Counter: 131
*Pinky McFingers and his goons enter*
Me: Unless you're telling me they had knives in their trenchcoats, which you can't/didn't show since this is SUPPOSED to be a Child-Friendly cartoon, HOW THE *BLEEP* DID THEY GET OUT OF THAT?!
Sin Counter: 172
Win Counter: 131
Manager: Are you gonna walk out of here, or am I gonna throw you out?
Mike: Don't be rude, Dude! That's no way to talk to a lady!
Me: First, I LOVE that!
Sin Counter: 172
Win Counter: 146
Me: But sadly, Where the Heck did they come from to get there so fast?! I know they're ninjas and all, but still...
Sin Counter: 173
Win Counter: 146
Don: 'Cheap Turtle Suit'? I resemble that remark.
Me: *Sigh* 'I Resemble That Remark' Cliche!
Sin Counter: 174
Win Counter: 146
Mike: Now we'll never find out where Raphael is!
Me: DON'T YOU THINK DON COULD/WOULD HAVE COBBLED TOGETHER A DEVICE TO TRACK HIM, OR YOU COULD USE THE TURTLE COMM TRACKER?!
Sin Counter: 194
Win Counter: 146
*Barney Stockman enters through steel door*
Me: That door is WAY too thick to hear ANYTHING from the other side!
Sin Counter: 195
Win Counter: 146
Me: Also, there's NO WAY he could come out THAT FAST!
Sin Counter: 196
Win Counter: 146
Barney: I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me that. I'm much better looking!
Me: 'Identical Twin says they're much better looking' Cliche.
Sin Counter: 197
Win Counter: 146
Me: Also, I suppose you ARE better looking now; Since you're Human, and Baxter... Oh *Bleep* it!
Sin Counter: 198
Win Counter: 146
Barney: My brother botched an experiment and turned himself into a fly.
Me: No, he didn't. He was thrown through a portal to another dimension, and got turned into a fly upon a botched disintegration attempt.
Sin Counter: 199
Win Counter: 146
Raph: I can't believe this is happening. This is too bizarre... Even for a cartoon.
Me: Hahahaha! Break that Fourth Wall, Baby!
Sin Counter: 199
Win Counter: 176
Sheky: Don't waste your time with the test. Just hook me up.
Me: Am I the only one who gets unnerved by that statement? Sheky needs a girlfriend.
Sin Counter: 200
Win Counter: 176
Sheky: Your jokes are so old, they get on the bus for half!
Me: This from the guy who uses the 'I never forget a face, I'll make the exception in your case' Cliche!
Sin Counter: 220
Win Counter: 176
Raph: You know the best place to raise turtles? In an elevator.
Me: *LAUGHS HARD*
Sin Counter: 220
Win Counter: 216
***TURTLE JOKE BONUS ROUND***
Me: Here we go, Everyone. In this, I'll award 5 sins to the jokes I hate, and 5 wins to the jokes I think people should tell more. Also, it's Raph telling the jokes, so forgive me for the absence of his name in bold font.
GO!
You know what you get if you cross a turtle with a mouse trap? A Snapping Turtle.
Me: *Snore, mumble*
Sin Counter: 225
Win Counter: 216
You know why turtles can't become electricians? They get Shell Shocked.
Me: Hahaha! 'Shell Shocked'!
Sin Counter: 225
Win Counter: 221
I have a great memory. You might say I have 'Turtle Recall'
Me: *Laughs*
Sin Counter: 225
Win Counter: 226
You know what you call a turtle in a steambath? A Turtle neck Sweater.
Me: Stop! Hahaha!
Sin Counter: 225
Win Counter: 231
It's not easy for a turtle to get a job. No one wants to shell out the money.
Me: 'Shell out' the Money! Hahahaha!
Sin Counter: 225
Win Counter: 236
I'm a turtle and my Doctor's a duck. I'm beginning to think he's a real quack.
Me: I STILL don't get that one!
Sin Counter: 230
Win Counter: 236
I've never seen a man eating shark, but I have seen a turtle eating pizza.
Me: Because, hahaha! The man eats the shark, hee hee! And the pizza... Hahahahaha!
Sin Counter: 230
Win Counter: 241
Goon: Hey, Boss. I thought the Mona Lisa was supposed to be smiling, not laughing.
Me: You goof! If she's laughing, Technically, she IS Smiling!
Sin Counter: 240
Win Counter: 241
You know a turtle's favorite pasta? Turtlini.
Me: Haha, What?!
Sin Counter: 240
Win Counter: 246
Me: Whew! Joke bonus round over. Thankfully, so should this fic. What a close race!
*Turtle Van phone rings and April says it's her boss*
Me: How the Hell would Mr. Thompson have gotten the Turtle Van Cell Phone number anyway?!
Sin Counter: 250
Win Counter: 246
Pinky McFingers: Toss 'em in the corner where they won't get damaged.
*Goons toss masterpieces in corner*
Me: *Sigh* Tossing them around could damage them you nimrods!
Sin Counter: 270
Win Counter: 246
Mike: The fly dude? What's buzzin' cousin?
Raph: You shouldn'ta said that, it really Bugs 'im!
Me: What?! Haha!
Sin Counter: 270
Win Counter: 266
Sheky: My brother broke his arm in two places. If I were him, I'd stay out of those places.
Me: Haha. Okay, that wasn't half bad.
Sin Counter: 270
Win Counter: 276
Sheky: Know why the Ocean roars? You'd roar too if you had lobsters in your bed.
Me: Ugh! There it is!
Sin Counter: 280
Win Counter: 276
Sheky: Speaking of fish, aren't sardines stupid? They lock themselves in the can, then they leave the key outside.
Me: *Laughs* That's awesome...
Sin Counter: 280
Win Counter: 296
April: You might say we followed your 'Laugh Track'
Sin Counter: 280
Win Counter: 306
Raph: You know what's green, then yellow, then green, then yellow? A yellow-bellied turtle rolling down a hill.
Sin Counter: 300
Win Counter: 306
Raph: I could buy Stockman's Gag-A-Magnifier real cheap.
Don: You do, and we'll buy The House of Ha-ha's Trapdoor.
Me: Whoa! Talk about 'Dropping' the Gauntlet!
Sin Counter: 300
Win Counter: 321
Total Point Tally: 21
Sentence: Shared Respect with Double Dragons, Ronin Warriors, and Sailor Scouts!
Hope everyone enjoyed this one.
Cheers!
White Lego Ninja