Title: It's not as easy as you think!

Summary: Think you'd want to be a Mary Sue? Think again. (Mary Sue, Legomance, Rated T to be safe. If you are the author of a MS, consider some of these things please!)

Lord of the Rings - Fiction Rated: T - English – Parody/Romance

(A/N: You know, Sue-ism isn't just being beautiful, or a good fighter. All that 'passing out into a-random-gorgeous-elf's arms', and 'sacrificing herself to save her love' has got to be tiring…)

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Lord Tolkien's work, got it! I don't even own Lucy, she owns herself, as really, she is writing her own story in my head, and all I do is write it down from there. She is her own, person, even if she's just a character. Remember that and don't hold me accountable for anything she may do, like rob a bank.

Lucy was a freak. She was a grade-A, certified freak. That's what the entire world thought of her, or so she said. She got good enough grades to not flunk out of her classes, but not so great that she was a teacher's pet. The main complaints were about one thing; Lord of the Rings. As far as she cared, Tolkien could have been God. In English, really all her stories seemed to in one way or another relate to Tolkien. Her homework all had Elvish scribbled into the corners, but what really hit her grades hard was when she turned in her History report in—and it was written about Middle-Earth! And although wonderfully researched and written, it still got a D.

That really drove her insane. Why couldn't they see that Middle-Earth was real? If not still in existence, it at least existed long, long ago. Really, just because there were no written texts or anything to support the existence of a real Middle-Earth, doesn't mean it never existed! But sadly, her teachers didn't see her way of thinking.

She was contemplating this one day while doing her homework, and found her thoughts wandering to Middle-Earth. Thinking she'd get it out of her system, she thought she'd zip over to a fanfiction site to read a nice Legomance or something. Getting out of her chair, she tripped over a fold in the rug underneath her, and fell to the floor.

When she got up and dusted herself off, the world seemed a bit strange. And THEN the horrible smell hit her. It was as if she had stuck her nose into the exhaust pipe of an old car. She gagged and gasped for air, but to no avail, the smell seemed to be all over the room. She made her way to the window but when she opened it, the smell tripled, and she slammed it shut. The smell lingered, but she had had plenty of breath-holding practice in the time she spent swimming, so she managed.

Her one-track mind got her back to her computer, and she made her way over to it. When she turned it on, the screen looked odd. It was as if she could make out every single pixel, and each one was blinking on and off very fast. From her many hours of studying computers and technology, she knew that was what happened, but normally the human eye couldn't pick those things up She figured her computer had just gotten a bit old, and the monitor was starting to fade. She made a note to ask her parents for a new one later.

First she logged onto AIM, and then she went to her favorite fanfiction site. Halfway through the first chapter of a nice 'Girl-falls-into-ME' story, she got an IM from a strange person she didn't know. "I see you like Mary Sue-type stories. You have a very interesting profile." flashed the 'broken' monitor.

"I like getting into the feel of them. And who wouldn't want to be beautiful and multi-talented?" she replied to the mysterious IMer.

"I created a program to make you your very own Mary Sue. I need beta-testers for it, but it's pretty cool. Wanna see it? Just download this file, I promise it's not a virus." came the response.

Lucy was somewhat worried about downloading a strange file, but she had a great virus-checker that had never failed her before so she typed "OK" and hit 'download'.

When she finally opened the program, she was greeted by a nice blue background, and to her amazement, she screen looked just like it was supposed to. She'd still get it checked out though. She also noticed that the air smelled fine, but only if she leaned close to the screen. Actually, it had a faint earthy smell. Odd. She ignored the oddities and went back to her computer.

The screen said 'Step one: Choose Name' and had two options underneath it, 'Name Generator' and 'Make Your Own'. She chose the generator, and got another three options: 'English', 'Quenya' and 'Sindarin'. She chose Sindarin, and got the name 'Alya' and the translation of 'rich' underneath it. 'Next', she selected.

'Step two: Looks' showed the screen. There was a model in the corner of the screen showing a blank-faced woman with white skin and no hair. Lucy guessed it was to show what the Sue would look like. After playing around with the design tools, the little model in the corner looked like the perfect Sue. The face had perfect proportions; the ears were petite, but very pointed at the ends. Her eyes were a perfect shade of purple, to add to the Sueishness. The hair was around the waist of the Sue, and a black so dark and shiny, it would have taken a normal person hours to get it to that state. A Barbie figure, with a chest that wasn't freakishly large, but okay sized, Lucy noted. She could never stand people having their chests weigh more than the rest of them. It just looked odd. Both her arms and legs had not one drop of fat, but instead enough muscle to be strong, and yet not look like a man. The skin was about as pale as you can get, to go with the hair. Although it would burn easily, thinking from the mind of a Sue, either the Sueishness would protect her, or she'd get lotion smeared onto her by any passing elf. Teehee… was the only thought that made its way through Lucy's mind. The Sueish creature stood at a nice 6'5, nice and tall. It was everything Lucy wanted to be. It was odd, but Lucy was getting really in to this program, for some reason. 'Next' she clicked.

'Step three: Outfits' was the title of this screen. For a moment she was a bit confused about the plural, as you can't really change clothes in Middle Earth, but she figured a Mary Sue could do it, because they're special. The monitor showed something that looked a bit like The Sims, but not as detailed. It had a place for designing Everyday, Travel, Fancy, and Sleepwear, and looked rather complicated. But Lucy figured that if she could design the face of a Mary Sue, she could certainly make a dress or two.

Half an hour later, she decided she was wrong. She would have given up and actually gotten to her homework, but for some reason she couldn't make herself get off the computer, and besides, the computer was the only place that smelled okay.

Eventually, she got the outfits to look just right. The Everyday one wasn't really a dress, but a black tunic and gray leggings. There were silver clasps, and roses embroidered on the sleeves. The trim was purple, and the whole thing looked perfect for a Goth!Sue. Also, after looking down at her Sue's bare feet, she threw in a pair of combat boots. It was perfect.

The Travel outfit was really much the same, but longer and thicker, with the addition of a black cloak, complete with silver clasp, tiny red rose embroidered on the shoulder, purple trim and a hood that could easily cover her face. It actually looked pretty comfy. But then, looking back on those two outfits, she added room to hide daggers in her boots and sleeves, and a royal-purple belt, to put her sword and such.

Lucy went all out with the Fancy outfit. Unlike the other outfits, it was a night-sky color, floor-length with long flowy sleeves. A purple thread swirled its way across the skirt of the dress, and a little silver pin in the shape of a rose tied the whole thing off. This wouldn't look out of place at a fashion show, actually… Lucy mused, picturing fame and fortune. But soon her mind wandered back to the computer.

And then the Sleepwear. The sleepwear consisted of a silk top-and-bottom set, something you didn't see very often in Middle Earth. They should experience some variety. I mean, why would you want to have the same boring pajamas as everyone else? I'm an individual! Lucy thought to herself. It then struck her as odd that she was talking like she was going to Middle Earth, when she had no intentions of doing any such thing. But then the computer pulled her back. The pajamas were, once again, black, with silver and red roses all over them. She also made sure that when she designed it, the silk was extra shiny, as the shinier the silk, the more the Elf would drool. Plus, silk is about the softest thing known to man. Or Elf. 'Next', she clicked.

"Step four: Weapon". This step was pretty self-explanatory. She designed her sword first. It was not long enough to overbalance, but still pretty long, and yet very light, and made of Mithril. A vine with roses and thorns was carved along the length of the blade. The hilt was also made of Mithril, with a red stone carved into the shape of a rose inlaid into it.

Then she made the dagger. It looked a lot like the sword, but smaller. The blade had a single rose on it, stem and all, and lots of thorns. She then duplicated that by four, for her boots and sleeves. Matching daggers, how sweet.

'Step five: Traits'. Ah, the thing that separates the 'Mary Sue' from the average person: the traits, the thought flitted through Lucy's mind. There were two columns, one considerably shorter than the other: 'Qualities' and '"Flaws"'. Guess which one was longer.

Each column had a list with checkboxes next to each item. On Qualities, Lucy checked off every box, not looking at what they were, but a few she saw were things like 'Amazing Voice', 'Funny' and 'Magic'. And for the considerably shorter '"Flaws"', she checked off only one: 'Can't Dance'. It was the least noticeable flaw there could be, and why make huge flaws in a Sue? Then it wouldn't be a real Sue. And the 'Next' button she clicked.

"Step six: Personality". At first Lucy didn't see why they put traits AND personality, but it soon became clearer. Traits were just aspects of the Sue, but the personality was everything else: What they liked to do, how they greeted new people, all those things. She was greeted by a screen with a quiz on it, which looked somewhat like this:

'Answer these questions as your Sue:

The glass is:

Half Empty

Half Full

You find an injured kitten while walking to school. You:

Ignore it

Take it to a vet and then find it a good home

Take it to a vet and keep it

Put it out of its misery'…

There were about an endless number of answers to each questions, and about 250 questions, covering everything and anything that could possibly happen to anyone ever. The topics of the questions covered everything from favorite color to how long it took them to eat ice cream. Every possible answer had a checkbox next to it that turned orange when clicked, signaling that that was the option you'd selected. Completing the quiz was harder than Lucy had expected, but for some reason she couldn't stop. She was drawn to it, and she had no clue why. Still, her homework wasn't all that urgent, it wasn't due until Tuesday, and it was Thursday. She had time.

Finally she was done, and the screen flashed her answers at her: 'Alya. Goth!Sue, Elf, 964 love interest with Legolas, 72 love interest with Aragorn, 53 love interest with Faramir, 20 or less love interest with anyone else. Edit answers? Yes No' She hit 'No' and the screen flashed more answers at her: 'Personality: Somewhat dark, but not as much as the average Goth!Sue. Sarcastic, witty, courageous, artistic, wise, and reserved are some of Alya's most prominent points. She enjoys reading, writing and painting. She is not fond of mornings, but is perfectly able to function in the morning. She has all the senses of an Elf, including Eyes, Ears and Nose. She is best fighting with a sword, but can also use a bow and arrows, daggers, and throw knives. Edit answers? Yes No'. Lucy hit 'No' again, and came up with the final box. 'Choose love interest:' and naturally, Lucy selected Leggy. The last thing she saw before she blacked out was the screen saying 'Thank you for your participation. Have a nice trip!'

Everything was black. Then suddenly, a voice boomed out of nowhere. "You should know better than to download strange programs. You got one hell of a virus from it, didn't you? Pretty little mess you're in, I see. Wouldn't you like to know what's going on? Speak up…Heehee…" the voice taunted. Lucy guessed it was the person she had downloaded the file from.

"Now, think back on what I said before. 'I created a program to make you your very own Mary Sue…' You should have listened a bit more clearly. And now it's true. Didn't you notice how you could see every movement in your computer screen? Normal eyes couldn't pick that up. Only an Elf could possibly see those movements. And that smell? You always smell that, just now your senses have gone to supernatural levels. Had the house been quiet you would have also noticed that were a pin to drop, you'd know. And now you're kinda stuck like that. But you have one last choice. Either I 'make you your own Mary Sue' or you go back to the way you were. I must warn you, some changes will take effect whether you stay or go. Or you can contemplate this forever, because while you are here, time will not pass. No one will even notice you're gone…"

This torment was too much. She tried to shout at the voice, and possibly demand information, but as soon as the thought entered her mind, it was gone. She tried as hard as she could to hold on to a thought, but she could only get one topic to stay in her mind: Middle Earth, and where to go. And so that was what she thought about.

Firstly, if she went back to her world, she would look different. At least in Middle Earth nobody would know she used to be different. And what would her family think, how would they react? In Middle Earth, at least the Elves looked like her. No one in her world came close. People would be wanting her for modeling jobs, and any boys in the general area she was in would probably pass out. It seemed inconvenient, and maybe even dangerous.

Plus, wasn't it always her dream to get people to believe Middle Earth was real? Now she could bring back solid proof of it! But then: What if she never got back? What if she could never get back home from Middle Earth? If she would be there forever? Would people notice her missing, or would time not pass?

These questions kept Lucy thinking for several hours. Or was it days? Weeks? Years? The only comforting thought that crossed Lucy's mind was that she could think here forever and never get old. Finally, she came to an almost-conclusion: First, she would have to ask a few questions.

However, getting her questions across seemed to pose a problem. For, just now, Lucy realized that she had no body. Not only was it dark, it was nothing. Nothing at all. Therefore, speaking could prove difficult when one had no body. Then she went for the telepathic route, which proved more fruitful. "So, before I give you a definitive response, answer two things for me." The other disembodied voice made no reply. 'Which kinds of makes it a disembodied nothing,' Lucy briefly thought, before getting back on topic. "One: Will time pass in the real world, and can I ever get back?"

"Ah, but you always said Middle Earth WAS real. Actually, I really can't answer those questions. It would interfere with something already going on as we... telepathically speak. Your other question?" responded the voice calmly, as if she wasn't talking about Lucy's family's potential insanity at their daughter's disappearance.

"What could telling me POSSIBLY have to do with anything else!" No response. "Fine. My other question: can I choose where I come in to the story?"

The voice almost sounded amused. "Yes, where would you like to come in? Rivendell?"

"Umm, no, actually. I want to be found by Aragorn wandering in…wherever it is he wanders right before he meets up with Frodo, and go on with them from there. That way I get to do everything and not have to deal with whiny Hobbits at Bilbo's party. WHICH I might add, was screwed up by the movies, because it was quite a few years after that that Frodo left to Bree." Lucy almost got lost onto a side track when she remembered that people can tell what you're thinking when you're using telepathy.

The voice sounded amused again. "You're sure? Just the general area East of Bree, and any time before the Hobbits arrive? Think these things out clearly."

And then Lucy realized that she really DID need to think those details through. She could be dropped off anywhere, and at and any time, just as long as she didn't arrive after the Hobbits.

Another few hours of thinking and she got it all right. "Put me in the direct path that Aragorn will be following, but one hour ahead of him. And no tricks, I want him to be where I am in exactly one hour. I also want all this to take place just as Aragorn is leaving the wild for Bree, and when he gets there I want the Hobbits there soon after, and again, no tricks. I want the Hobbits that consist of Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Sam. Is all that clear?" Lucy demanded, before realizing that demanding anything from someone who had the power to transport someone to Middle Earth could be a bad idea. The voice didn't seem to mind, or at least never said anything about it.

"That's better. You're completely sure? Yes? Okay."

And all of a sudden Lucy, now Alya, made contact with the cold, hard ground.

To be continued, obviously.

Well, how did I do?

I reallyreallyREALLY want that program. Except for that 'transporting you to Middle Earth' thing. If anyone has a way to make this, I will actually pay you money. Or maybe not. I don't actually have any money, so I can't. You can pretend I paid you!

Hey, and remember: Never download strange files from the internet. See what could happen?