Final Fantasy VII
A Not so Perfect weekend at home
Well this is the not so perfect before the finale! [Sighs] What a series eh? One more after this and then.....THE END. BUT EXPECT MORE FUNNY FANFICTIONS&SERIOUS FANFICTIONS BY ME!!!!!
[Kefka's castle]
Kefka: Forces of Darkness Empower me!!!!!
Gilgamish: Are you trying to absorb Ralph Nader's mind?
Kefka: Yes. Wahahahhahahahahahahhahahahhahha'
Gilgamish: I'll be in...the kitchen now. [Steps back slowly]
Kefka: Make me some evil dark-[Thinks]
Gilgamish: [Put's apron on?] Pie?
Kefka: Yes that's it! Now to the new villan mobile!
Garland: You mean that 1957 ford coupe? I can't believe you bought that piece of crap.
Kefka: [Rolls eyes] Everyone's a skeptic.....
[Cloud's house]
Cloud: now.....to prepare for my family reunion....
Yuffie: [Kicks down the door] CLOUD! DO YOU HAVE ANY GOOD MATERIA?
Cloud: No. [Hold's back Knights of the round,Alexander,Bahumat ZERO and Ultima behind his back]
Yuffie: [snaps her fingers] Damn....I'll try Cid's house. [Run's off]
Cloud: Heh,Heh,Heh.....what's that noise? [Ex-Death is driving the "Villan mobile" towards Cloud's house]
Ex-Death: KAMIKAZII!!!!!!!!! [Steps on the petal]
Cloud: Better put up the anti-villan system I just installed. [A wall pops up and the "Villan mobile" hit's it]
Ex-Death: DAMMIT!!!!
Cloud: Man this happens every day!
[Kefka's evil castle]
Kefka: MY FORD!!!!! Was it insured?
Garland: Yes.
Kefka: By survival?
Garland: No.
Kefka: I can't take that insurnce....
Man: SURVIVAL OFFERS THE LOWEST RATES GURRANTEE-AHHHHHH!!!!! [Kefka chases him with a club]
Kefka: Just to relive my stress.....[Whacks him on the head]
Man: Owie!
[Car salesplace]
Dealer: So what do you suspicous scary dressed people want?
Kefka: A car of mass destruction!
Dealer: You can have the Crushinater 2000 or....
Garland: Or?
Dealer: The Mazda 1954 edition. [Kefka has those watery happy anime eyes and has his hands together]
Kefka: THE MAZDA!!!!
Gilgamish: But the Crushinater 2000 has missle launchers and Syphon Filter virus machine guns.
Kefka: The Mazda has a radio!!! I'll take it!
Ex-Death: [Smackes his head]
[ShinRa HQ]
Rufus: Now to sign into my evil network made for the ShinRa....
Voice: WELCOME! YOU GOT MAIL!
Rufus: Mail? From Insaneclowndude666? [Opens the E-mail] AHHHH!!!! KEFKA'S BACK! HE DARES TO HAVE ANOTHER EVIL COMPETITION WITH ME?
Heiddeger: Here are your grilled cheese sandwinches....
Rufus: ME! ME! ME!
[Kefka's evil castle: Garage]
Kefka: Oh....Isn't it magnificent.
Garland: Really Kefka-sama I think it's somthing I found in the toilet.
Kefka: Sic him lassie! [Lassie comes out] Bite him where it hurts!
Garland: [Grabs his crotch] OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! [Runbs around and slams into a wall]
Kefka: Heh,Heh,Heh.
Gilgamish: The piece of crap er-the villan mobile is prepared.
Kefka: To the Wallece residence!!!!! WAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!
[Barret's house]
Barret: Yo,Yo,Yo dis I'm da numba one gangsta in the whole FF world!
[Kain comes in wearing baggy clothes and a beanie.]
Kain: Yo....what's my line after that?
Barret: HOME DOG! YA DAMN FOO!!!!
Kain: Sorry. I just miss my armor.
Barret: Hey marlene!
Marlene: Who's that guy.
Barret: My new G. He knows what it's like living on the streets.
Kain: Barret,you grew up in a mansion. And you had a polite accent.
Barret: Thou didn't-er No I didn't! [Car honks in the background]
Kain: Looks like they got a new Villan mobile....
Barret: I'll handle them. [Goes outside and screams]
[Garland,Ex-Death.Gilgamish and Kefka jump out of thier car]
Kefka: We figured out how to beat you all and take your block hostage. With a weapon we should have used from the beggining.
Barret: What?
Kefka: GUNS!!!!! [They all pull out AK-47's]
Barret: AHHHHH!!!!!! GOTTA WARN THE OTHERS! KEFKA AND CO. ARE TRYING TO TAKE US OVER!!!!! KAIN!!!!
Kain: Yeah?
Barret: You hold them off! SAVE MY MR.T COLLECTION!
Kain: Sure! [Pulls out a pistol] Bring it on scum! [A bunch of bullets fly at him] WAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! I SURRENDER!
[Cloud& Tifa's house]
[Doorbell rings]
Tifa: Who is it?
Barret: Yo it's Barret!
Tifa: Just a sec.
Barret: Kefka just took over my house! God knows what thier doing to my little Dragoon G-dog......
[Barret's house]
Kain: [Tied up] PLEASE! BARRET MADE ME WEAR GANGSTER CLOTHES!
Kefka: Shaddup. You betray your 2D fantasy world heritage.
Kain: Hey! The only 2D charachters who like you are these guy's you hang out with.
Garland: It's true Kefka.
Kefka: Silence! Now what should we do with him? Hey! Has anyone heard of Barbra Striesand!!!!
Kain: [Gulps]
[Cloud&Tifa's house]
Cloud: Our house is safe. We have an anti-villan system installed.
Tifa: Actually it took money away. I had to take it out in order to pay the electric bill....
Cloud: Oh....crap.
[Kefka's evil castle]
Kain: [Thinking] Man....I'm never gonna dress like a gang member again....I want my dragoon armor back....
Garland: I know what your thinking. I'm reading the text.
Kain: W-what are you gonna do to me?
Garland: We are gfoing to gather up all the main FF villans who have gone soft...like you.
Kain: Well there are three main FF7 villans....
Garland: We will have them soon....bwahahahahhahahha!!!!!
[Sephiroth&Aeris's house]0
Sephiroth: I need a beer....[Opens up the refrigirator] Let's see....OOOhhh Meat loaf!
Kefka: [Knocks the door down] HA! I SHALL DESTROY YOU!
Sephiroth: Why do you hate me? I may have married a hero but I'm still evil....
Kefka: Yeah? If your still evil then....EAT THIS KITTEN!
Sephiroth: NO! ONLY WEIRDO'S LIKE YOU DO THAT!
Kefka: Wussy....anyway I'm-AH! IT'S AERIS! BRING IN THE ARTILLARY!
Aeris: Sephy...I told you only Rufus and Hojo are the only villans alowwed in this house. Why are they here?
Sephiroth: They want to start a block war.
Aeris: Again? That's the third time this week!
[Cloud's house]
[AVALANCHE is gathered around]
Cloud: I figured out how to get the Shinra help us in this neighborhood war.
Tifa: How?
Cloud: Barret and I will disguise ourselves as Soviets.
Cid: What?
CLoud: People from the former Soviet Union. In the "Other" world.
Cid: Oh good idea.
[Shinra HQ]
Reeve: Sir what are you doing?
Rufus: Playing with my: Dictator action toys. Here's Gestapo Goose,KGB Carl and Super Fuher!
Reeve: But Hitler killed millions! He was a dictator! [Looks at Rufus] Never mind. [Cloud and Barret come in]
Rufus: W-who are you? [Cloud and Barret have taped on large shaggy beards and are wearing Russian clothing]
Cloud: We are Cloudski and Barretski of the Soviet Union.
Rufus: Soviets? Gestapo goose overheard that. [Cloud picks up Super Fuher and crushes him]
Cloud: GOD! HOW CAN YOU PLAY WITH A....HITLER DOLL? HE"S HISTORY'S GREATEST MONSTER!
Rufus: Ummm....I SURRENDER!!!!!! Comrade Cloudski please spare me!!!!
Cloud: If you want our forgiveness you must....HELP US DESTROY KEFKA! HE'S TAKEN OVER OUR NEIGHBORHOOD....ER I MEAN CLOUD'S NEIGHBORHOOD.
Rufus: Yes sir whatever you say!
[Cloud and Barret leave]
Rufus: We must warn the nation that commuinism is coming!
Reeve: Weren't thier names a bit familliar?
Rufus: Yeah. Familliar RUSSIAN names.
Reeve: Idiot.
Rufus: I'll make Gestapo goose spy on them.
Reeve: Stop it with that stupid dictator-oh wait never mind.
[Kefka's evil castle]
Garland: Hmmm....that Dragoon...what should we do with him now?
Kefka: Hmmmm...how about the thumb screw?
ALL: OKAY!!!!
Kain: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
[Cloud's house]
Cloud: Maybe I should watch T.V.....
Reporter: And now for a special report on the fate of the planet. President for life Rufus Shinra.
Rufus: My fellow Shinraians. Today...I was threatened by two Soviets...Cloudski and Barretski. I have ordered the arrest of Heiddeger for being Soviet and Scarlett cause I hate her guts. But unfortunantly I must live up to thier demands of fighting Kefka. That is all.....Heh. stupid citizens they would believe anything...what? What do you mean the camera is still on? Oh shit....
Cloud: I guess they took it too seriously.
Tifa: Oh well at least thier doing what we say.
[Midgar]
Rufus: Citizens! I know we are alarmed by our new Soviet masters! BUT I am complying on what they said. There will be a draft in the Shinra army so we can take back what Kefka stole from them. Here are two more Soviets....Cidchev and Yuffierov.
Yuffie: [In fake russian accent] As you know the...um...draft will be tommorow. Any citizen resisting will be subject to....Pepto Bismal treamtment....
[Citizens gasp]
Cid: That is all comrades!
[Kefka's evil castle]
Garland: Ummm....The Shinra have declared war on us.
Kefka: We can take them on. What made them do it.
Ex-Death: According to our reports....the Union of Soviet Socilest Republics.
Kefka: Must be from the "other" world. Damn communists!
Gilgamish: HERE COMES AVALANCHE!
Ex-Death: We'll take them out FFT style.
Garland: You always do that! Let's do Suikoden style.
Ex-Death: FFT!
Garland: SUIKODEN!!!!!!
Kefka: Okay ladies break it up. Syphon Filter style.
All: YAY!!!!!!
Garland: I got the M-16!
Gilgamish: Combat shotgun for me!!!!
Kefka: M-60 rocket launcher!!!!!!
Ex-Death: The....Combat knife? That's a mellee weapon. Were using modern weapons.
Kefka: Here have a 9mm.
Ex-Death: That's better.
Kefka: FIRE!!!!! [They all fire]
Cloud: AHHHHH!!!!! THEY GOT GUNS! NO FAIR!
Cid: THEY ALWAYS HAVE SUPERIOR WEAPONS!
Cloud: Screw this mystical sword crap. I'M JOINING THE NRA!
Cid: Naw. They suck. Let's go get somthing off the Black Market.
[They come back with the Tank from Goldeneye]
Kefka: RUN!!!!! TAKE THE HOSTAGE!!!!! I HAVE A BACKUP PLAN!!!! [They jump into a combat chopper]
Ex-Death: Ummm.....the missle jammed. And it's armed. [Chopper explodes. ]
Kefka: HA! FORTUNANTLY I LERNED HOW TO LEVITATE! [They fly away with Kain]
Cloud: They got away......
[Sephy's house]
[Rufus,Hojo and Sephy are playing cards]
Sephiroth: Cut the deck.
Rufus: Damn Soviets. They're bullies.
Aeris: Tea for Sephy...and beer for the other boys. [Gives them drinks]
Rufus: TEA? Sephiroth what are you on? Drugs?
Sephiroth: [Gazes at Aeris] No...love....[Looks at her butt]....I love life.
Rufus: I miss the old Sephiroth. What happened to are murderous Megalomaniac.
Sephiroth: I grew up Rufus-san....
Rufus: SHUT UP!!!!!
[The villan mobile]
Ex-Death: I'm telling you we should have gotten the Crushinator 2000!
Kefka: Stop dissing the Mazda!!!!!!
Gilgamish: Kefka, A Yugo would be better then this thing.
Kefka: JUST SHUT THE #%$^ UP!!!! I'M LISTINING TO THE RADIO FEATURE!!!! ALL KEFKA'S THEME RADIO!!!!!
[Everyone but Kefka sweatdrops]
Kefka: [Huuming to the them.] Dunn...Dunn..Dunn...Dunn...Dannaunna...nua...duh..nunnna....SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH! [Stops] How did One winged angel get in here?
Garland: I requested it.
Kefka: BASTARD!!!!!!
Ex-Death: It's hot back here in the back seat.....
Gilgamish: Kefka. Crank up the AC.
Kefka: It broke. [Everyone but Kefka get those little cross thingies showing irritation like they do in Anime]
Garland: Damn you! What? It's getting hot in here.....
Kefka: Oh the heating unit jammed. I can't turn it off.
Gilgamish: Then why is it nice and cold on your side?
Kefka: Oh....ummm....The Ice elemental attacked my side. Oh please it's only the middle of summer how hot can it be?
ALL: HOT AS HELL!
Kefka: Ummm......I'll be quiet now.
Ex-Death: Where's the Dragoon?
Kefka: In the trunk.
Ex-Death: How did this story become a gang war. Does the author like this kinda stuff?
Author's note: (Pops in Eminem CD) Ummm....maybe I do maybe I don't.
Kain: (In the trunk) There's a jack in here...(pumps the jack) Heh...I'm jacking off....
Kefka: Shaddup with the lame jokes!
Kain: Sorry.
[Shinra HQ]
Rufus: I made a decision!
Reeve: What?
Rufus: I'm not standing up to these Soviets!
Reeve: Then we are going to war?
Rufus: No....I'm too scared.
Reeve: I DON'T THINK THEY ARE SOVIETS!!!!!!!! THERE NAMES ARE CLOUDSKI AND BARRETSKI! DON'T THEY SOUND FAMILLIAR?
Rufus: No.....they seem purely 100% Russian to me. Well...Might as well send the army after Kefka....
Reeve: Damn moron.
[Cloud's house]
Cloud: Well finally I can enjoy a nice weekend at home.
Tifa: It's great that we finally can.....[PHS rings] DAMN IT! [Picks it up]
Rufus: (On the other end) Tifa Strife! Find me a connection with one of the soviets!
Tifa: What's a soviet?
Rufus: A communist from Russia!
Tifa: Communist? Russia?
Rufus: Russia is in the other world! They have had dictators in the past. Like me.
Tifa: Naw. They usually aren't so messed up to have a Dictator action figure collection.
Rufus: Just tell me if you saw a Spikey Blonde Russian with a beard that looks like it was taped on?
Tifa: Spikey hair? You mean Clou-[Cloud covers her mouth and picks up the PHS]
Cloud: [In fake Russian accent] WHat is it Comrade Rufus?
Rufus: EEEEEP!!!! I mean....I want you to tell me where Kefka is so you will stop picking on me!
Cloud: Well he has an evil castle somewhere....
Rufus: Where?
Cloud: Oh that Rocky cliff of Death by the McDonalds.
Rufus: Oh THAT evil suspicous fortress....are sure it's not that one with the Flying monkeys?
Cloud: Pretty sure.
Rufus: Okay.
[Kefka's evil fortress at the rockey cliff of death by McDonalds]
Kefka: Wahahahhahaha!!!! BINGO! I WIN!
Garland: You cheat at this...I HATE SPANISH BINGO! I TOOK FRENCH IN COLLEGE SO THIS IS USELESS!!!!!
Kefka: Sorry Amigo...heh,heh...
Ex-Death: French? HA! HA! HA! LET'S CALL GARLAND PIERRE FOR NOW ON!
Garland: Shut up! Where were we in Twister?
Kefka: I was destroying your Left hand on red with my right foot on face! [Kicks Garland in the face] HA! HA! HA! FRENCH!!!!
Garland: SHUT UP!
Ex-Death: Well I took Latin?
Kefka: LATIN? EX-DEATH'S A PANSY!!!!!
Ex-Death: Shut up Jerkus Maximus!!!!
Kain: Ummm....excuse me?
Kefka: Shut up. Hey what did Gilgamish take in college?
Gilgamish: Ummmm....I took.....I don't remember.
Kefka: Bah. Let's get back to tourtuting this little Piggy...[Points to Kain]
Kain: Stop! Leave me alone! [Helicopter noises are made outside]
Kefka: AHHHH!!!! THE SHINRA!!!!!!
[Helicopter]
Rufus: We are to rescue Kain and destroy the place.
Piolt: Then what?
Rufus: Hmmm....didn't think that plan out. (Garland comes out with Rocket Powered Grenade launcher) CRAPPPP!!!!! (Helicopter blows up)
[Kefka's evil castle on the Rocky Cliff of death by-argh! Forget it!]
Kefka: Wahahahhahaha we won!
Voice: I don't think so!
Kefka: It's AVALANCE! Ummmm.....what to do?
Garland: Prepare to be destroyed. [Two figures enter] Huh? Who goes there? [A charred Rufus and Helicopter pilot enter]
Rufus: (Cough) PREPARE YOURSELF!!!!!
Kefka: Fallen one! (Rufus is reduced to one HP)
Rufus: Huh? (Kefka flicks Rufus on the forehead and Rufus loses his HP and falls over)
Kefka: WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Cloud: (Put's on Beard) This is Cloudski!!! Surrender!
Kefka: AHHHHHH!!!!!! COMMUNISTS!!!!!
Cloud: Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! LOSER! (Pulls beard off) I HAD YOU ALL FOOLED!
Rufus: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
Kefka: YOUR NO COMMUNIST! DIE!
Garland: LOOK OUT! AVALANCHE HAS HEAVY WEAPONS!!!!!
Kefka: Prepare the villan mobile!!!!!!!!!! [they get into the Mazda] Turn on the prerecorded Barba Striesand tape.
Garland: Yes sir. [Turns it on]
Kefka: Pump it up to the max!!!!! [STarts playing]
Rufus: AHHHHH!!!! THE TORTURE!
Kefka: Had enough....
Cloud: Must go on......who am I kidding? [Collapses]
Rufus: Need a plan....wait I know! [SHoots the anttena]
Kefka: NO! [Somehow the car catches on fire] AHHHH!!!! THE VILLAN MOBILE!!!!!!!!
Rufus: (To a bunch of SHinra soliders) ATTACK!!!!!!! (They start firing thier machine guns)
Kefka: EEEEEPPPPPP!!!!!! (Bullets hit the already on fire Villan Mobile) STOP IT! IT'S ALREADY DEAD!!!!!!
Garland: WHat should we do now.
Kefka: I'll drink my transformation potion! [Drinks potion]
Cid: Heh. I replaced the potion with Cologne!
Kefka: AHHHHH!!!!! MY THROAT BURNS!!!!!!
Garland: Power of the fiends empower me!!!!! CHAOS!!!!!!!! (Becomes Chaos from FF1) NOW I WILL RIP YOU INTO SHREDS!!!!!
Kefka: (Running around in circles) IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!!!
Ex-Death: NEO-EX-DEATH!!!!!!!!! (Becomes Neo-Ex-Death)
Kefka: DO SOMTHING YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!!! MY THROAT FEELS LIKE I DRANK LAVA MIXED WITH...(Shudders) PEPTO-BISMAL!!!!!!!
Gilgamish: I'll destroy you AVALNCHE! (Pulls ouyt his many weapons and attacks)
Rufus: (Pulls out shotgun) This one's for the Shinra! (Shoots Gilgamish on the side)
Gilgamish: OW!!!!
Rufus: This one's for Final Fantasy XI!!!! THE KICK ASS GAME!!!! (Shoots Gilgamish on the side again and Vivi comes out and pelts him with a billion fire spells)
Gilgamish: .......No more.....(Collapses)
Chaos-Garland: AHHHHH!!!!! GILGAMISH!!!! (Quistis comes out)
Quistis: BLUE MAGIC! DEGENEROR!!!! (A BLACK HOLE SWALLOWS GARLAND)
Garland: NO!!!!!!!!
Kain: (Get's free) YES! DRAGGON JUMP!!!! (Jumps on Ex-Death)
Ex-Death: That was pitiful.
Kain: Bolt....999!!!! (Charges up a large bolt ball)
Ex-Death: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! (Get's blasted completly up in the air.)
Kain: COOL!!!!!
Cloud: It's down to me and you Kefka!
Kefka: There's nothing that you have I'm scared of!
Cloud: What about my son? (Holds Zack up)
Kefka: NO! KEEP IT AWAY!
Cloud: (Eyes narrow) Sic him! (Zack foams at the mouth)
Zack: RAARRRRRR!!!!! (Bits Kefka repeadtly in the You-know-where)
Kefka: OW! OW! OW! OW! I'M NOT DEFEATED! HEAR ME SING! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! (Windows shatter and a SHinra solider's head explodes)
Cloud: ......can't....go on!
Tifa: I'll destroy you! With the same cake mix I made for Cloud's birthday! (Tifa load a thick ball of chocholate into a cannon and explodes over Kefka wrapping him up)
Kefka: HA! I CAN STILL SING! (Blob of Cake swallows Kefka up)
Tifa: YAY! Come on Cloud let's go have a romantic night out!
Cloud: YES!
Hojo: I'm late for battle! What did I miss? (See's Lucretia) AHHHH!!!! (Pulls out a gun) Keep away!
Lucretia (Pulls out a heat seeking interceptor missle launcher) Heh..
Hojo: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! BACK TO SHINRA HQ!!!!!! (Tseng,Terra and Aeris come in)
Aeris: Sephiroth come home this instant! For going into battle with me your lovely wife's perimission....YOU ARE CLEANING THE GARAGE!!!!!!! AND NO GETTING OUT OF IT MISTER!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: Aw crap.
(Another evil fortress)
Kefka: (Confrtonts a large shadowy figure) Master forgive me I failed!
???: SILENCE! YOU MUST SCRUB THE TOILET FOR YOUR FAILURE!
Kefka: Awwww.....
???: But.....It's not over yet. Next is the final Not so Perfect fanfic and I shall reveal myself! Wahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhaha!!!!!
Kefka: (Takes a toothbrush out and heads for the bathroom) Stupid Shrouded in Darkness leader.....
THE END
YAY! DONE! SO WHO LIKE THE COMMUNIST JOKES? AND IT SEEMS KEFKA'S NOT IN CHARGE....WHO CAN BE THE MAN WRAPPED IN SHADOWS? WELL FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF THE SERIES!