Here comes the translation of one of my Bleach stories. English is not my native language, so please, do forgive my mistakes and use the opportunity to correct me ;) Every review will be most welcome and loved.
Whereabouts: Soul Society.
Timeline: before Kurosaki Era.
Cast: Captains, lieutenants.
Place: Gotei 13's meeting room.
Note: as far as I can remember, they have most of their meetings without any chairs and tables. In here, they get seats. Let's be nice for them.
Content: nothing alarming. They deny everything anyway. At least most of them do.
THE DENIAL SYNDROME
„My name is Hitsugaya Toshirou."
An awkward silence has fallen. Everyone present in the room has been staring at the small figure of the white-maned captain. His name was all well known and familiar for all Shinigami, especially for those few of them – Gotei's captains and lieutenants, currently gathered together right there in the meeting room for a routine procedures. No exiting news were to be expected during the meeting and there had been nothing more than uninteresting reports about Hollow's activity scheduled for the present day. The performance of Hitsugaya-taichou came as quite unexpected event. It managed to catch even Kyoraku-taichou eye, despite of his most discrete nap in the corner of the room.
"Your name is Hitsugaya Toshirou and you are an anonymous fan of winter sports?" hachibantai-taichou suggested in a whisper. Hitsugaya reprimanded him by the glance and, clearing his throat nervously, he tried again with his speech.
" My name is Hitsugaya Toshirou…"
"We know it…"
"And I'm about to make an official announcement."
"But do enounce, son, do it as you wish!"
"Go for it, Shirou-chan!"
"MY NAME IS HITSUGAYA-TAICHOU AND I AM NO "SON" OF YOURS!"
"But of course you are not… Who could even suspect me to have a child with Hinamori-kun?
"… Not at all, Kyoraku-taichou!"
"… Oh, dear…"
"Not at all! No! Aizen-taichou, you didn't believe it, did you? Aizen-taichou! It is not truth!"
"But do calm down, Hinamori-kun. I swear I have never even suspected you of such thing."
"You swear, Aizen-taichou? Do swear on your Zanpakutou! Do swear!"
"Silence, Ichimaru. Hinamori, calm down, for pity sake…"
"I do not have children with captain Kyoraku!"
"But we don't tell you to have, Hinamori-kun! Never! Not at all!"
"You know, Juushirou, you do not have to deny that possibility wit such eagerness. Is having a child with me really such an unwanted evil?"
"… Shunsui!"
"Oh, so you still remember my name, how nice."
"And you seem to have forgotten so far my illness does not include sclerosis!"
"He is so cute when sulking."
"I couldn't deny it, Retsu-kun."
"But I'm denying it! I'm absolutely denying it!"
"And I'm denying having children with captain Kyoraku!"
"AND I WANT TO MAKE MY ANNOUNCEMENT AT LAST!"
An awkward silence has come back. Finally Unohana-taichou gave a warm and maternal smile of encouragement to red-faced and furious Hitsugaya.
"Please, Hitsugaya-taichou, do speak."
"Well. So." He cleared his throat. "My name is Hitsugaya Toshirou and I know you know it already. But I want to enounce one thing only. I DO NOT HAVE ANY LOVE AFFAIR WITH MY LIEUTNANT!"
Silence.
After a moment of a total bewilderment, everybody's eyes fixed on flabbergasted Matsumoto Rangiku.
"We know about that as well, don't we…? " she whispered. Her captain glanced at her absent-mindedly.
"What?" he asked impatiently.
"Well, I do know we don't have a love affair…"
Hitsugaya stamped his feet angrily.
"That's because we DON'T have any affair!"
Silence.
"I didn't know anything about it", Abarai Renji assured of his complete ignorance in the matter of love affairs, bowing his head to his captain's back and glancing curiously from behind him.
Silence.
Juubantai-taichou began to clench his fists. His hands get hoarfrosted in a flash. His luxuriant female lieutenant rised very slowly from her chair.
"YOU DIDN"T KNOW WE DON'T? HAVE YOU THOUGHT I HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MY CAPTAIN?" she screamed with all the power of her broad lungs. Kuchiki-taichou as quickly as expected from the Goddess's worthy rival withdrew one flashstep back, allowing the sound wave to hit directly in the tattooed top of Renji's forehead.
"I didn't think!" Rokubantai-fukutaichou assured her quickly, trying to cover his head from Matsumoto. "I didn't think at all!"
"There is no doubt about that fact", Kuchiki-taichou pointed indifferently, staying beyond reach and waiting through indignant Matsumoto's attacks.
"Oi! C'mon! I've never been thinking about it! Nothing at all! It has never even come to me, that whole idea, it's gross!
"Well, I certainly hope you never have!" Matsumoto patted once more on Renji's red brush and she turned back, still dripping fury. "Of course it's gross! What kind of idea is it! Like somebody could think such a thing about us! It's sick! Who could come up with such an idea?"
Silence.
Understanding came as a shock to Rangiku so she almost lost her tongue in confusion.
"It's… It's you, Captain! Captain! How could you come up with something like this? A love affair, for sake's sake? How could you even consider such a thing?"
Pointed at so accusingly, Hitsugaya withdrew a little bit from his infuriated fukutaichou, but he instantly regained his usual supercilious pose.
"I considered nothing at all, don't you understand what I say? I'm saying clearly enough we don't have any damned love affair! Not at all! And I don't want any stupid gossip about that! There's no love affair!"
"But how could you consider such a thought? How did it occur to you, the very idea of love affair? With me? Our love affair? Why have you been thinking about it? Having a love affair with me, what a…"
"But everyone else has!"
Silence.
Everybody else stepped one step back. Kuchiki-taichou moved one and a half step even. Rangiku turned around again and looked about the room. She gave each person a very peculiar look.
"Does that mean… Everyone has a love affair with me? I have a love affair with them? With each of them?" she inquired with a keen interest. Her captain silenced her with a irritated gesture.
"Not you, dumb woman! Not with you! With others!"
"Too bad…" - Matsumoto seemed very disappointed.
"So, according to you, everyone has a love affair with other person?", Komamura-taichou asked, rubbing his helmet rather nervously.
"What a boring, monogamous stereotype!" Kurotsuchi-taichou criticized the whole idea.
"Oh, we all have our little, innocent romances…" Ichimaru Gin smiled as wildly as blissfully. A sudden fit of coughing from behind his back announced no further comments from Kira-fukutaichou upon said matter.
"But I have no romance at all", Kotetsu Isane get apparently worried by that fact.
"Oh, no! It's terrible!" Pretending to be terrified, Iba-fukutaichou grabbed her arm. "That means somebody has to make up for you and take two romances!"
Ukitake and Kyoraku were discussing a matter of monogamy. Hinamori was still trying to convince very much convinced Aizen-taichou that she had no children with other captains. Hitsugaya's face was reddening more and more every moment.
"That's enough! Stop talking such nonsense! What I was speaking about, these things, it concerns the captains!"
Silence.
"Only the captains? So what, are we not allowed to have some love affairs?" Hisagi-fukutaichou went deeply indignant on behalf of all the lieutenants.
"No." Tousen-taichou lectured him as briefly as uncompromisingly. His lieutenant blushed noticeably around the tattoo.
"I mean… I'm sorry, taichou, I didn't…"
"But why the captains only?" Sasakibe get unexpectedly petulant.
"One day I shall become 'real strong! I shall be trainin', I shall be fightin'! I shall be the captain myself!" Renji avowed, to whom – it remained unknown, except that a person standing next to him within a hearing was one Kuchiki-taichou.
And one Kuchiki-taichou didn't disagree.
In the meantime, Hitsugaya Toshirou's eyes were burning with annoyance and his zanpakutou's sheath began to freeze.
"Captains!", he said through clenched teeth. "Captains have love affairs. They have love affairs with lieutenants!"
Silence.
"Well, I certainly don't have" soutaichou stated with a strange contentment. Soi Fon and Omaeda eyed themselves up and down with a total dismay. Neither of them brought himself to comment Hitsugaya's words.
Silence.
"What if a captain does have a love affair, but with another captain only, not a lieutenant?", captain Ukitake wandered innocently.
"Easy for you, you don't even have a lieutenant!", another captain Kyoraku put out an obviousness.
"So what? You, on the contrary, do have a lieutenant, but nobody doubts there's no love affair between you and me anyway!", Nanao Ise burst out.
"Oh, it is true… What a shame…", her captain grieved.
Silence.
"But, Shirou-chan! About captains and lieutenants… It is not truth! It's not true at all!" Hinamori denied, tears shining in her eyes. "It's not true at all…", she repeated regretfully.
"It's totally not truth!" very disgusted Aizen instantly seconded his lieutenant.
"And in the evening…", Ichimaru-taichou confided in secret to his fukutaichou, "in the evening we'll take the persimmons and make some li'll, li'll hotchpotch…"
Silence.
Silence.
And silence.
Not before the stone-crushing pressure of gravely infuriated reiatsu began to crease the paper screens in the meeting room, the juuchiban taichou raised from his seat.
Ding, dong, ding.
Kusajishi Yachiru jumped on Ken-chan's shoulders and she strummed nonchalantly on his hair-bell.
Ding, dong.
"I know what is a "romance"!", she confided to her captain.
"Oh, really?"
"Ha! I know and you don't!"
"Shut your mouth, Yachiru. You'll get some candy later.
"Strawberry?"
"With a bubble-gum inside."
"Iiiiiiha!"
Zaraki Kenpachi approached Hitsugaya and faced him, all the way unconsciously supporting Yachiru from sliding down. From the gloomy-looking out of sudden heights of Zaraki's hair-spikes, the new and more crushing reiatsu wave raised and pervaded the room.
Hitsugaya held out. He confined to give the other the black look only, sticking his hands into a profound pockets of his haori.
"What?"
"So… 'You say…" Kenpachi's voice was as gentle as it's possible for a man with fists in a size of his fists. Even though Hitsugaya didn't catch up with him in size, he definitely did catch up with any shinigami in character and spirit.
And he definitely outran most of them in the common sense.
"I say… I say MOST of the captains has a romance with their lieutenants", he successfully extricated himself. "And I say that I don't have!"
Zaraki narrowed his eye in a way suggesting that an insult, even unintentionally suggested, wouldn't be easily forgotten.
"So, YOU don't…?"
"I made a statement, an announcement about it! That's all what I say. And also that everybody should clarify it as well, to avoid any rubbish gossip!", Hitsugaya finished cleverly and, apparently satisfied, came back to his seat, exchanging but one cross glance with his overexcited lieutenant.
"Matsumoto! Don't you dare to fraternize with Kyoraku-taichou in public!"
"Mustn't fraternize with you, mustn't fraternize with anybody… How cruel. But it's only Kyoraku-taichou here, who brings sake to captain's meetings!", Rangiku complained. In the meantime, captain Zaraki turn around to face other officers and with his arm at his hips, he challenged:
"So… Who the hell's thinkin' I suppos'dly have a love affair with Yachiru, e?"
A passionate hope for finding such a pray radiated from his face so clearly that the commanding officers of Gotei 13 all as one retreated one step backwards.
And Kuchiki Byakuya didn't.
His malcontent gaze rest upon a pink thicket of Yachiru's hair.
"I am actually quite certain you don't have", he stated. Yachiru, wriggling on her captain's shoulder, cast a reproachful glance at Kuchiki-taichou.
"Of course we don't! How could ya believe it, Byakkun? I only wanna romance with ya! I love only ya! And Ken-chan, oh, I love Ken-chan. And Baldie-chan, and Feather-chan, and Berry-chan. And e-e-everybody. But I only wanna romance with ya, Byakkun. No-one but ya. Not even Ken-chan!"
Then, Kuchiki-taichou did retreat indeed. About three steps back.
"Now she really turn you down, Zaraki-taichou!", from behind the back of his present captain, laughing Renji pitied his former commander. Zaraki waved aside both Renji and lost chance for crushing somebody's bones.
"I have no damned romance with Yachiru!", he repeated and went back to his seat. Girl gave a trustful hug to his huge neck.
"Ke-e-e-en-chan, Ke-e-e-en-chan, wanna know what is a romance?"
"Oh just tell me already, if ya have to."
"A romance is what Yumi does in his wardrobe, when nobody sees!"
Silence.
"And how the hell ya know that?"
"'Cause I see everything! I'm always looking!"
"Always?" Abarai seemed terrified.
"From now on, Izuru, we shall lock our wardrobe out!", Ichimaru-taichou swore quite solemnly.
"But we don't do anything wrong in the wardrobe!", Kira protested, casting around shy glances. Unohana kindly patted his head.
"But of course not…"
"But!", Ichimaru caught up the opportunity, "Since ya offer, Izuru…"
"Captain!"
"Don't ya ever creep into their wardrobe, Yachiru! None wardrobe!"
"Mustn't to wardrobe, mustn't to bed, you're so boring today, Ken-chan…"
"Maybe I'm getting too old fer this! Just look, my hair turn gray 'cause of ya!"
"Ye'r so unkind today, Ken-chan. Ya should find yerself a romance."
"I should find myself a sparring-partner!"
"No big deal. Baldie-chan and Feather-chan stayed home, all alone, they must be missing us terribly now. Ya can bit them. But ya need a romance anyway."
Unohana emerged from nowhere just next to them and she patted the girl's head.
"Somebody really should attend to it…", she declared to no one in particular.
"I announce I DON'T have any sort of love affair with my captain!", Nanao Ise was proclaiming to all concerned.
"And I confirm nothing and deny nothing!", her captain just winked.
"And I announce I have no lieutenant", Ukitake said apologetically.
"You can take mine, if you want", Hitsugaya grumbled.
"But mine ya won't ever have, whether ya want him or not!", Ichimaru emphasized with exaggerated trepidation. "But I won't announce anything, I'm so-so-so scared of public performances."
"And you didn't deny it too, captain!", Hinamori radiated with hope.
"I deny!", Aizen denied momentarily. "I have no love affair with Hinamori-fukutaichou!"
"It's a nonsense, all of that. We're leaving!", said Tousen resentfully and he left indeed, dragging Hisagi-fukutaichou along.
"And I still have no romance…", Kotetsu-fukutaichou lamented. Kyoraku patted her on a shoulder.
"Be patient! You never know, what could happen during the next meeting!", he comforted her absent-mindedly. As he spoke, he was attending to walk Ukitake, who was coughing convulsively, to the door.
Leaden-grey eyes watched them leaving.
"Time to leave, Abarai."
"Let's go then, taichou!"
And so they left.
Ichimaru-taichou hissed with pure delight.
"What'a hurry, nee, Izuru? They must be dying to perform a statutory inspection fer their wardrobes…", he puzzled out.
"Oh…", Kira Izuru almost moaned.
"Ye'r absolutely right! We should do the same thing, at once!", his captain roused himself instantly. "Run, Izuru, run! Who first comes n'to the wardrobe, wins! Loser peels persimmons!"
"Taichoooooou…", Izuru's voice faded along with fleeing Gin.
Grunting angrily, Soi-Fong marched out from the room right behind Sanbantai officers, with her fists clenched amd eyes furious. Her lieutenant kept stealing a timid glances at her, all the time shaking his head, as he followed his captain. Unohana-taichou smiled gently and took Isane's arm.
"Let's go, Isane. You will tell me all about your beloved one now."
"But I have no beloved one!"
"So how do you intend to have a romance? With no other person?"
"But, taichou…"
"There are so many nice boys around. There's Hanatarou…"
"… I have sworn virginity!"
"To whom?", Unohana-taichou inquired with keen interest. Hitsugaya plugged his ears and he dragged Matsumoto to the other door.
"We're not going that way. I don't want to hear any more about those… things."
"But captain, it's very healthy at your age!", Rangiku assured him tenderly.
"MATSUMOTO!"
"What? When you will be my age…"
"It won't be any better then", Komamura commented, when Hitsugaya's and Matsumoto's voices faded away behind the door. "Well, goodbye everybody. And, hmmm. Heh."
All loyal Iba moved closer to his taichou's side.
"And we don't have a love affair either!", he assured.
"Neither have we…", Hinamori lamented.
"You are in no place for it anyway, since Aizen-taichou darted away hours ago, and you are still hanging around here", Komamura scoffed at her. Surprised, Gobantai fukutaichou looked around and she rushed after her captain. Kurotsuchi-taichou moved in his corner. Dureng the meeting he had used up all the scraps of paper and margins of his notes, so he gathered all papers and handed the messy pile to Nemu.
"What a block-head you are! You haven't brought me a spare notebook again! We're leaving now! All that monogamous tendency might be of some use for us after all. I need to investigate it carefully in the lab. Move your ass, Nemu!"
"Hai, taichou!"
"Where does he plan to find a romance in the laboratory environment?", Iba wandered, leaving along his captain, right behind a very vary commander of Juunibantai.
"I'm not interested in that!", Komamura cut himself off from any laboratory environment.
Silence.
Yamamoto-sotaichou leaned comfortably on his stick and looked at the ceiling.
"There's a small, pretty town, called Karakura, and we have noticed a significant hollow activity around there…", he mused to the deserted room. Sasakibe-fukutaichou curled up his moustache.
"Who would care about hollows in the hour of romance? Hollows, so heartless, so fleshless, they have no place in the romantic world! In here! Here, in our world, where everybody can have his own romance! Ha!
Silence.
"Haaaa…?"
"Hmmmmmm."
THE END