I was never the type of guy to be hanging around the corridors at Hogwarts flirting with the girls. In fact, I didn't even attempt to chat up the Gryffindor females when I was given the chance! Whenever encountered with such a situation, I would get incredibly nervous and avoid it by doing something regrettably idiotic and unfortunately, just like I'd avoided the somewhat intimate situation, I had to, from then on, avoid the girl like the plague.
During our final years at Hogwarts, you'd have seen guys like Cormac McLaggen flattering the pants off the girls and acting the role of the Knight in Shining Armour. Alas, it seemed, I had been the one chosen to play Court Jester. I should of thought of this positively - some good-looking Muggle woman once said, "If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." Well, I tried to make plenty of girls laugh, but I hadn't much success and it didn't seem to further my romantic life in the slightest.
Hogwarts was my home, but nevertheless, the four boys I shared my dormitory with were much more popular with the ladies than I ever was and this caused me to envy them quite a lot. Harry, Ron, Seamus and Dean were great blokes - I just couldn't stand being in the same room with them when they began speaking about girls. Hell, I could tell that each of them were wasting their time with the girls they were with, but they were still getting some action and I couldn't help but be a little jealous!
The truth is, I only ever cared for four girls whilst at school and they all had one thing in common - they had no idea I existed. This wasn't exactly a surprise to me, though it would've been nice if at least one girl had paid me some attention.
The first female that I loved didn't even know my name. I'd try and be in her presence as often as I could, yet she still didn't acknowledge me. She would act as if I were a stranger. I knew she knew who I was…she was just being stubborn, that was all. I was a visitor in her life and as soon as I was gone, she'd have forgotten all about me again. The only hint she gave that she saw me as some sort of comfort to her was that she gave me a gift every time I left her.
A bubblegum wrapper.
I never stopped loving this woman. I couldn't. My visit would be erased from my mother's mind every time it came to an end, but I would never forget about her and would treasure those small significant presents she handed me when I left her room.
The first girl that I liked was Ginny Weasley. The girl with the flaming red hair and confident demeanour was and always would be out of my reach. It was apparent from the word "go" that she had an infatuation with Harry and as the years went by, that infatuation grew and grew and became even more obvious. At the Yule Ball in fourth year, everyone was shocked to see me with a date, let alone Ron Weasley's little sister - I could tell from the expressions on their faces that they assumed she'd accepted my invitation to the Ball out of pity. Perhaps they were right. For that one night, however, I didn't give a damn. Could Ginny have loved Harry even then? It was a definite possibility, but I wasn't going to take her being my date for granted.
The next girl I deeply cared for longed for another boy long before she even knew she did. I was clearly aware of my peer's future relationships before they were - I doubt that was because I was the next Trelawney; I think it may have just been that their actions and behaviour towards each other were extremely noticeable. Most of them avoided their destiny until the last moment, especially Hermione Granger.
Hermione helped me countless times and Ron and Harry many more than that. We all needed her much more than she needed us, which lead me to believe that she was putting up a wall. She didn't want to need people. That would have made her dependent on other people and to be so, wouldn't have made her the determined and persevering young lady she was. This, in turn, made me adore Hermione so much more. I wanted to have the confidence and strong-mindedness that she seemed to show and - though I was neither attracted to her nor in love with her - I urged to break down that wall that she seemed to have securely in place. It made me smile inside when Ron was able to crumble that wall slightly with his nature that completely opposed Hermione's. In the effort to do so, it matured Ron to some extent, which - along with Hermione - was exactly what he needed.
I might have exaggerated slightly when I mentioned that no girl ever really paid attention to me. That wasn't true. There was one girl at Hogwarts that I loved deeply and she actually, low and behold, returned those feelings…and I let her go.
Why did I do such a thing? I don't think I'll ever be totally sure of that. I try to assure myself that I was just scared. That I didn't understand how to react to such affection. All of my reasons were false. False, false, false.
Luna Lovegood may have been seen as "loony", she may have even be labelled a nickname exclaiming that fact, but I knew she wasn't. I knew how it felt to be dubbed a fool, I knew the pain and humiliation that coursed through my body whenever someone stereotyped me as being "the clumsy one". I admired Luna for not caring about the insults and names that flew her way. I could never be so unaffected by those things and I was proud of Luna for being so.
I let Luna go because I could she was falling in love with Rolf Scamander. She would've never realised soon enough to do anything about it and even if she had, she would've never had the heart to finish our relationship. So I finished it for her. I try to kid myself into thinking that I let her go because of something I'm totally to blame for. I will always love her and I don't think I could ever fault her, in fear that I'd even despise her at all. She had loved me and I had to told onto that feeling for as long as I possibly could.
Each of these women contributed something to my life - some cared for me more than others, some actually loved me (however oblivious to this they may have been) - but I would always be the Court Jester and every girl was a princess that deserved to be with their own Knight in Shining Armour.