Keep Your Head Above and Swim
Fuck.
Meredith had every reason in the world to panic right now but somehow she narrowed it down to three. One, there was a familiar arm wrapped around her waist. Two, there was a naked body beside her under the blanket. Three, this man was not Derek. He was not Derek at all.
His musky scent was intoxicating; to the point she wanted to live the last night all over again. His chiseled features were amazing and incredibly hot. His ability to make any girl---single or otherwise---swoon was enough for her to rip off her pants. Why, oh dear god, why did she find Mark Sloan so irresistible?
She tried to reach down to check if she was actually fully naked. Holy mother of all things beautiful, she was wearing her birthday suit and if she just looked on the floor she would see shreds of her clothes ripped in anticipation. She tried to squirm out of his strong grasp but he only held on tighter, she was petite in relation to his size, it was the benefits of working out.
He stirred and she could feel him slowly waking up. Every contact felt as if hey body was scorching and strangely, she enjoyed it. He pulls her closer and buries his head in her hair, as she tries not to scream. His nose goes deeper and suddenly his grip loosens and his face pulls back. Meredith winces and that didn't go unnoticed by Mark.
"You could have looked at the hair. I'm blonde so it's painfully obvious." Meredith whispered. She avoids facing him so she just looks down at the remaining space beside her.
"You're not Lexie." He breathes. He runs his hands through his hair and rips off the blanket. He pulls it back on once he knows that he too is naked. He sits upright in the bed and looks at her. Her eyes meet his gaze and she pulls up the blanket self-consciously.
"You're not Derek." She replies rather calmly.
"How the hell did this happen?!" He screams jumping out of bed.
"Tequila. Lots and lots of tequila." Meredith says as she shakes her head painfully, feeling the effects of a hangover. "We need to fix this."
"You think I don't know that?!" Mark shouts at a painfully loud level. "You think I just really want to say, 'Hey Lex, I slept with your sister last night. Want to come over tonight to get it on?'" He says, sarcasm laced in his voice.
"You're not the only one with a significant other… or ex-significant other… if you remember. Mine is your brother slash best friend and you've known him much longer, I tell you that my situation's a lot worse." Meredith says soberly.
"How did this happen?" He repeats. He breathes deeply, finally taking in his surroundings. They both were in a hotel room; that he knew because it was almost the same as the one he stayed in before Lexie happened. His clothes were tossed on the floor like some sort of useless tool. He looked at Meredith and for the first time since he woke up, he noticed that she was naked. Why the hell did that turn him on?!
Events of the night flooded to her face. He was aware of this action because it brought upon sadness then finally, lust on her face. "Derek…"
"Derek?" She says in disbelief.
He quickly pulls away from the red haired neonatal surgeon, he looks up at Meredith guiltily. "Mer… I can explain."
The stairwell was supposed to be her place, not her boyfriend's and whoever he fooled around with. "I suspected something. I thought it was nothing , just the fact that George died and you were giving me space by hanging out with your ex-wife. I thought it was nothing Derek!" She says storming off down the stairs.
Derek quickly catches up with her and pulls her hand towards him. "It was…"
"Why did you do it? I trusted you!" She exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. "I trusted you and what did I get?!"
"Fuck Mer… I'm so sorry." He says shame-facedly. He looks at her questioningly, asking her what she's going to do next.
"That's not enough Derek. That's not enough." She says trying to make him let go of her arm but he just holds on tighter. "With your ex-wife! With your beautiful, successful, smart ex-wife. Wow, you really know how to make a girl feel well. Tell me Derek, did you sleep with her too?" She says sarcastically.
"No! Of course not Meredith! It was just a kiss!" He says.
"The first kiss? I haven't seen you in weeks Derek. You haven't been home in weeks, we haven't even spent time together since the day George… died!" She says, choking on the thought. "I thought you were being a noble boyfriend and giving me some time to clear my head, then now I realize that the time away from me was used to fondle with your ex-wife." She shouts angrily.
"It's not the first kiss Meredith, but nothing else has happened. I swear" He looks at her and he sees she's about to cry. Her hand slaps his cheek with so much force that he has to back away.
"Why do you actually sound disappointed? No under the top action for Dr. Shepherd?" She says bitterly.
"I never meant to hurt you!" He says angrily.
"Wow, well you did. You did hurt me Derek. I thought you were it, we were supposed to be bounded together even if it was by a stupid post-it! You were supposed to be faithful!" Meredith exclaims, tears already running down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry." He says pulling her closer to him pathetically.
"Sorry won't do it this time Derek. I've given you chances; I've waited and got hurt by you so many times. I can't forgive and forget. Not again."
"You may forgive but you never forget Meredith! You never forget." He snaps. "You keep it all bottled up so you can use it against me."
"That's what you don't understand Derek! That's what you don't get. I can't just forget that you had a wife you never told me about. I can't just forget you walked away from me when you told me you weren't going to leave. I can't forget that you chose your wife over me and made me a dirty mistress! I can't forge that you chose your nurse over me." She says breathlessly. "I can't forget that you called me a whore."
"Meredith." He says. "I know I've done pretty bad things.."
"Pretty bad? Seriously? Fuck Derek, you told me to take a rest on fate! You told me to put all in and I did, I trusted you, I gave you my heart and you kiss the nearest person from your past." She says painfully. "I used to think I was all that mattered to you, apparently not. It's over between us Derek." She says. "It's over. Get your things out of my house."
"Mer.. please, just let me explain." He says.
"There's nothing to explain Derek. You kissed her, we're over. God, I'm really glad we weren't really married." She says, the comment stung him more than her slap did. "That would have been really heavy on my bills." She laughs bitterly.
"I love you. I need you Meredith." He says desperately..
"You should have thought of that before you kissed Addison ." She says right before she runs for the door.
She's aware that people are watching. She's aware that now, this makes her the most talked about person in Seattle Grace. She's aware that all people are going to say is Karma's a bitch. All she cares about now though is to get to the locker room and as far away from Derek Shepherd as possible.
Yet she could hear his footsteps getting closer and closer. She runs into the room and heads toward her cubby.
Her cubby was messy, with the clothes she was wearing that morning and leftover food for her snack but it was distinguishable because of the framed, blue piece of paper at the end.
She doesn't even notice Bailey and Alex in the room who are looking at her in concern, she smashes the frame to the ground and they all can hear the glass break. She rips the note to shreds and hastily throws it into the trash can.
"Meredith…" Bailey says, knowing the importance of that piece of paper.
For the first time, she notices their presence. Bailey looks pitying and Alex just looks furious, as the door opens quickly she notices the Dreamy---ex-dreamy—surgeon walk in. Alex walks up to him and punches him square in the face. Derek gives out a small gasp. Meredith covers her mouth but doesn't make a move to help her ex-boyfriend.
"I didn't see anything." Bailey says, slowly stepping over Shepherd and walks out the door.
Meredith collapses against the wall as she watches Alex scream curses at Derek, she looks like a mess and she's aware of that, but now all she can do is sleep.
Meredith wakes up in an on-call room on the surgical floor. She looks around and she sees the sleeping plastic surgeon snoring away on the edge of her bed. She gives him a little kick and he shrugs awake.
#*()!#&!
"What are you doing here?" She asks sleepily, not quite remembering what happened earlier.
"I heard what happened." He says, apologizing.
Suddenly, everything flashes back to Meredith's mind. She feels her stomach feel empty again and her breath gets caught in her throat. It's not the usual feeling she gets when she thinks about Derek, she usually feels joy instead of anger and all she would want to do is smile. But now, she just feels like emptying out her stomach.
"Okay… I guessed that much." She says.
"Alex brought you here, he told me what happened and he went out to….I guess, he went out to sort out things with Derek. He said you wouldn't want to be alone." He says nervously.
"You know what I really want?" Meredith says, getting up and straightening out her clothes.
"What's that?" He says as he gives his McSteamy smirk that she finds actually… hot.
"A drink." She smiles and walks towards the door, he raises his eyebrow in surprise and looks at her amusedly. She looks back at him and meets his stare. "Are you coming or what?" She giggles, suddenly feeling the urge to get wasted and sleep with inappropriate men. Right now, Mark's the top of her list as inappropriate.
Mark quickly stands up and opens the door for her, and both of them leave the hospital in laughs.
"Oh fucking shit." Meredith cusses as she wraps the bed sheet around her and looks for her underwear in the discarded pile on the floor.
"We got talking… we drank… I have no memory of ever kissing you." Mark mumbles, more to himself than to her. He quickly takes his eyes off her body before he gets an ailment only a cold shower can fix.
"We were in an alcohol induced haze. If we weren't, you would damn well remember. I am memorable." She says, trying to lighten up the mood.
"Lexie is your sister!" He exclaims, as if coming to a realization.
"You think I don't know that?! You think I don't know what I'm doing to her!? What I'm doing to George's best friend?" She snaps. "You think I don't know what I'm doing to Derek?! He'll be devastated Mark!" She yells, throwing one hand in the air, for the other is unsuccessfully trying to cover her breasts.
"Calm down dammit! We're going to fix this." He sighs. "We have to fix this."
"What the hell do you suggest we do?" She retorts. "The only way they'll ever forgive us is if we jump off the building right now!"
"We have to tell them." He stated, feeling a lump rise in his throat.
"Are you crazy?!" She screams. "Have you even met Derek?! Do you know what he'll do to you?! You've stole another one of his girls!" She shouts. She starts pulling up her pants in a sad attempt to get dressed. Eventually, he does the same. But no one takes their mind off the topic at hand, he knew very well what Derek would do to the both of them if he found out that Mark slept with Meredith.
"I thought you and Derek broke up." He states coldly.
"Then ex-girls. But you know how possessive Derek gets! I'm going to have to deal with that!" She screams, her voice equally as cold. The room is surprisingly hot, must have something to do with the electricity coming off of their bodies. Still, Meredith couldn't even bring herself to look at Mark because every time she does, the feeling of regret washes away and she actually thinks she's doing the right thing.
"We have to tell them Meredith." He frowns angrily. "They will never forgive us."
"Lexie will! Lexie loves you! And you probably love her!" She exclaims. "It's not so hard for you, but when he comes for me, its death to my career!"
"He loves you." Mark says painfully, he wonders why just saying that made him sick to his stomach.
"No." She says stubbornly. "He never loved me; he loved the idea of me." She sighs. "There's a big difference."
"Trust me, I would know." Mark says shaking his head. "But don't you want to do the more honorable thing?" He says as his voice cracks. Fear was rarely a feeling that came over him, he felt that know and he was positive it wasn't because of Derek's or Lexie's reaction to their late night rendezvous.
"Mark she's my sister. That sure as hell means a lot to her, that fact means a lot to me. I've given her hell and I don't want to make this the cherry on top." She sighs. "We're doing this to protect them, that is honorable."
"No it's not!" He shouts. "We're not doing the right thing. They deserve to know. They deserve to choose for themselves if they want to spend every minute of their lives with us. They need to know, we need to tell them."
"There isn't any other way is there." She says. She sits on the bed and finally, her eyes meet his. He gets lost in her dark pools of gray, he thinks she's going to cry and in his mind, he wills her not to. "If you love someone that much, you'd give them the opportunity to chose. I can't fight against that."
"I thought you didn't love him." Mark says.
"Are you kidding?" She scoffs coolly. "I gave up everything for him, my career, my life, my house, sometimes even my friends and now my dignity. I gave that all to him and he threw it away like it didn't mean anything." She says.
"It's not your fault you know."
"Oh, I know it's not my fault that he kept hurting me, it's my fault that I let him continue." Meredith says.
Mark now fully understands the extent of Derek's damage. He wasn't used to the quiet and vulnerable Meredith Grey. Derek was no longer the Knight in shining armor he always made out to be. Derek was scum and Mark longed to make him pay. "He may be a brilliant surgeon, but he's not even half the person you are, Grey. You made him who he was, he can't function without you."
Meredith wipes away the tears. "It's too late now though." She says, attempting---and failing--- to give a smile. "He made it clear when he pushed me away." She says. She stands up and heads out the door. Once again, he watches her intently in hopes she'll call for him.
But she doesn't. She turns around to face him but keeps her distance. "Goodbye Mark." She smiles.
"Goodbye Grey." He replies. She walks out and shuts the door behind her. All he can hear now is the pitter patter of the rain on the window. He lies back down on the bed and puts his hands under his head, after a few minutes he gets back up again and looks out the window.
He sees a familiar figure hailing a cab on a rainy morning in Seattle. Mark finally whispers, "He doesn't deserve you."
!)#*&#&!*#
After successfully avoiding each other all week, Mark and Meredith were exhausted.
Mark has barely seen Lexie and weirdly, he was delighted with that fact. They were never together more than ten minutes, finally the gods chose to smile upon him. He's seen Derek, who has a bruised eye which caused every patient to wince and ask for another doctor, even if it wasn't the best. Alex had heaps of praise but the chief had to put him on probation, but everyone knew he wanted to do the same thing to Shepherd himself.
A little too late Mark thinks coldly.
Then he sees her. He sees her with the fellow intern, Pierce, the one he's seen her with since George died. He could say that he was insanely jealous since before the incident, but now, he couldn't care any less. If she cheated on him, if she made a fool out of him, he actually deserved it so he turned a blind eye.
They, he and Meredith, had an agreement, if by the end of the week they haven't told their respective partners, the secret would stay buried. Until someone would dig it up that is. He chickens out every minute he finally decides to tell her. He can't live with this guilt, its guilt but its definitely not regret.
She sees him and smiles at him. She excuses herself from the conversation, something he longed for her to do weeks ago.
"Hey" She smiles, wrapping her arms around his torso. He tenses up and she's still oblivious to his coldness and edgy behavior.
"Hey" He somewhat grunts. She lets go of him but still continues talking. "Listen we have to talk."
"I agree" He says, breathing a sigh of relief. "We really, really have to talk."
"So you first?" She giggles. "Or I could go…" She rambles, something her older sister had a tendency of doing.
"No, you go ahead." He says. He might as well be polite, he was going to hurt her beyond imaginable after all.
"Okay, so I really have to apologize." She says guiltily. That only makes Mark feel worse about himself and his situation.
"About what?" He asks.
"I've been really distant lately and I've been hanging out with Pierce a lot. I know that's not exactly good for a man's ego, but I've been avoiding you because I was afraid." She says. "It's been what? Almost a month since we last, really, really talked? It's because everything's been so hectic, George died a month ago then there had to be new arrangements for every intern, what with only three of the good residents left? Anyways…."
He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, thinking what 'hanging out with Pierce' really meant for the both of them.
"Pierce's dad is the chief at Boston General." She continues.
Okay, what?
"It's not as great as Seattle Grace but its good and Pierce showed him my form and the works. Pierce's dad said that he'd love to have me work at Boston General." She says before she's cut off by his rude voice.
"What's wrong with Seattle?" Mark asks kindly.
"Nothing, it's just that he offered me a job there. I'd be able to skip two years and if I kept up, I'd be an attending in no time."
"So what's the catch?" He says.
"He said I was going to be a great addition to his staff Mark! He said that I was one of the best he's seen—well heard about since his own time! He hasn't even said that to his son, Mark." She says. "They don't even notice me here! Christina never lets me in surgeries, the others could care less. This is a big step Mark and I don't want to do it without you. I told him and he said he could have you as head of Plastics there."
"I love you Mark. I know you're not the type to say it back but I love you, and where do I see myself in twenty years? I see myself with an amazing career, with you by my side. I need you Mark, not in the way you think. I'm not using you as a stepping stone for my career. You're my life Mark." She sighs. "And I really, really don't want anything more than us to work." She looks at him and he doesn't feel any spark. He doesn't feel like getting lost in her eyes like he did at the beginning of the week with Meredith. He doesn't feel the electricity that was running up and down his body when he even saw Meredith approach him.
"So my point is" She pauses to grasp his hand. "My point is, I'm thinking of accepting and I want you to come with me."