Author's Notes:
It's been a while since I last wrote something seriously. And I honestly can't say that I'm too proud of this. I told myself that I would never write an AU fic, and yet here it is. ;n; And it's not even a happy story. orz And I hate how the first part of this turned out.
I didn't bother doing any research for this, so all the military crap in this? Yup. Made up.
Forgive me. '''orz
There's not much to say here, really. At SHINE, we have prompts and one challenge this month was to take a cliche-or two-and run with it. I chose War/Rebellion and Death. Though, the death doesn't come in for a long time, yet still has a big role in this.
OH. Before I forget. Kyouya's role in this was originally Tamaki's. But with out his role was playing out, I thought Kyouya fit it just a little better. So if you see a random "Suoh" in there, please replace that with "Ootori". kthanx.
(But I think I got them all. orz)
I DIGRESS. Maybe.
Anyway. Here. Enjoy. Or not. Either way, it's done, long, and I can finally move in to write my crack for the next challenge.
/crawls away...
All is Hell in Love and War
It'd be a lie to say war is Hell. I had been out here about a few months now, drafted by the military, and every person I had fought along side with will tell you. War is much worse than Hell. I had seen things no one ever should; friends fall in front of you, shot dead trying to protect something no one will tell us; innocent civilians mercilessly killed by your own side only because they just wanted to go home. The screams were probably the worse thing, though. Most of the time I didn't know where they were coming from. Sometimes I didn't even think they were really there just embedded in my mind, something I would never out live.
But that was what war does to you.
You make choices you never would have thought you'd have to make or would even have to consider. I never thought I'd have to pull the trigger on a gun pointed at a total stranger, let alone the whole load. I never dreamed this would happen. I was always wishing that it were, though. Some horrible nightmare that I would wake up from at tell my brother all about as he worries about me. God, I just wanted to go back. I missed him.
I sighed heavily, taking the cigarette from my mouth and flicking it somewhere among the rubble. I used to tell myself that I would never start smoking; it was a disgusting, horrible habit. But with this sudden change in lifestyle, and always being on edge, you needed anything you can get to calm down, even if just a little. Myself especially since I was nowhere near use to living like this. A man I was assigned to suggested this to me. Normally, I would have never taken him up on his offer, but I was in a pretty bad state of shock then.
This place was so dead. I was waiting in an old broken down building, or what was left of it. Fighter planes probably bombed the whole district a few weeks ago. The rubble was everywhere and a whole wall was gone, but right then, it was the safest place for someone like me. It was times like these where I could stop, for just a moment, and wonder what the hell happened. This whole rebellion just hit everyone so suddenly, leaving me scared and alone. Just a few days before I got that draft letter, my brother went missing. Our family could never figure out what happened. He never had any family issues—I would know because he would tell me everything—so he couldn't have run away because of that. Our family wasn't one of such high standards nor was it involved so directly with this war that it would call for a kidnapping. So many times I was left to think that he did run off to join the fight, but I could never reason why. And why he didn't take me with him.
I couldn't take this silence anymore. I guess that cigarette was wearing off already. There wasn't much to do here and no one was around; the building was totally silent, not even creaking. I stood up and faced the crumbled wall and looked up to the sky. It was a beautiful day. I just wished it were under better circumstances that I could enjoy it.
"Today's the day," I mumbled to myself, trying to keep what sanity I have left. There was only one reason why I so willingly joined this fight. It was the only way I could think to search for my brother. There was no way he would just up and leave the city without me, or at least telling me. So he must have been here still. The military kept a record of whom they find and a body count of civilians. I prayed to God that I wouldn't find out there, but if that was the case, so be it. I just wanted to know what happened to him. I dug around on one of my pockets for another cigarette; I was starting to get fidgety.
"Today's the day I'm going to find you, Hikaru." I had been telling myself that everyday to keep my spirits up and that gun of mine from looking so tempting. I wasn't going to give up that easily; I just had to find the way. "And god damn me if it isn't."
The sun would be setting soon. I could tell. But that didn't stop me. I might have spoken too soon.
"Hitachiin!" Hearing my name shouted like that, I quickly turned around to look. It was a familiar voice to me so I wasn't rattled by it; I was still a little jumpy, though. A Jeep ran past me and soon stopped a few meters ahead. A young man stood up and watched me for a moment, a glint shining off his glasses—rather odd for someone in the military. He may not have been the type of company I would normally choose, but at the time there wasn't much of a choice. "Hurry up! Get in. We're heading back." I watched for a moment as he sat back down in the driver's seat before I adjusted my pack and ran up to the vehicle and jumped in.
It was hardly ever a smooth ride on an area like this. The roads were just cluttered with debris from buildings and just pieces of the road itself destroyed. There was the distinct scent of gasoline and gunpowder always lingering. I think one of the buildings near by wasn't searched all the way through since there was that sickening smell of decay in the air, too. I felt sorry for them, but the feeling never stayed long. We took a sharp turn and I nearly fell out of the Jeep. He'd never been the greatest of drivers.
"So how'd it go today?" He said it like it was just another day at the office. I always felt like he only asked out of politeness and not necessarily interested in my day. Though he often surprised me.
"How do you think?"
"Not well, I assume?"
"It never does." I sank into my seat deeper and the tapping of my heel got a little quicker. I didn't notice it until then.
He sighed, "Well. Something is bound to show up sooner or later. We'll just have to keep looking."
"Ootori… I'm really starting to lose hope about this." I had never once called him by his first name. I never knew it. I didn't want to know it. When we first met, he was about to introduce himself, but I stopped him abruptly. I told him my last name, and stated that was all I wanted to be called. He got the hint right away. Too many of the people I had been with have gotten injured or died. And each one, I felt just a little guilty over. But if I didn't know the guy, then what was there to get guilty about? He knew it was nothing personal. He knew it was just war.
The vehicle stopped suddenly and for a moment, I thought he had hit something. When I figured we didn't, I had to wonder. Looking up at Ootori, he looked so stern and serious. He turned toward me and I felt intimidated by that look of disappointment and frustration.
"Hitachiin. Don't give up so easily. Your brother is out there somewhere. And he's waiting for you to find him. Are you really going to give up that easily? Are you just going to let him die waiting for you?" I had told him about why I was here early on. I was glad that I did. He wasn't that much older than me, but he treated me like his little brother in a sense—I couldn't find myself returning the feelings, however. He had vowed to help me in any way he could to help me find Hikaru, no matter the cost. I felt indebted to him for this. That was probably why his words always got to me. It might have been the situation, my nerves frying until I totally lose it, but he did have a very good point. I smiled nonetheless. I say what I did just about every day, some days just to hear him try to get my hopes up, others I may just mean it. Either way, I was in a much better mood.
The Jeep started up again when he finally noticed my soft smile, and my muttered thanks. Right then, I just wanted to get out of this place and get some rest. I lay my head back to look up at the reddened sky, and noticed some storm clouds coming in. Ootori seemed to have noticed too, and the Jeep picks up some speed as we head back to base. I was going to sleep well that night for once. I just knew it.
God, how did this happen? I was a scout, not a fighter. All I was supposed to do was scout out deserted areas to make sure no one got left behind. I wasn't supposed to be out in the frontlines like that, fending off the enemy from invading one of our buildings. I was scared for my life as I cowered behind a fallen pillar holding my handgun close to me. There was so much yelling and screaming and gunfire, it was making me dizzy and sick off it. I had been under enemy fire before, but it always had been just a few people shooting—usually just one—my partner always fighting them off. I was no good with a gun.
"Hitachiin." I quickly looked over to my side to see a comforting face of Ootori. I didn't think I had ever been so relieved to see him, but I was still trembling and my breath just wouldn't calm down at all. He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed calmingly, knowing—to some degree—how I was feeling. "We have to keep moving. The others have pushed the enemy back so it's safe for now, but we can't stay." His eyes pierced through mine and all I could do was nod my head, tightening the grip on my gun. I couldn't find my voice.
Ootori stood up, dragging me to my uneasy feet as well and glanced around. He was much better at these kinds of things than I was. I still wondered why we were paired together. He pat my back.
"Just stay down and stay close. Don't worry. We'll get out of here safe." I could only nod again as he smiled at me. I had always wondered how he could find the courage to be strong for both of us. I was grateful, of course, but I knew I was only slowing everyone down.
With one last quick glance around, he darted off down the road and I was quick to follow. The sounds of gunfire had calmed down, as had the yelling, and I could only assume the other side must be on the verge of retreating soon. Even they must put their pride down for a moment to save as many people has they can. It was what they have been wanting.
There was the sound of shuffling—a rock falling perhaps, I feebly told myself—just behind me. In my rush to look and keep up with Ootori, my foot got caught on a downed, dead power line. I was panic stricken when I looked up and didn't see Ootori anymore. He must have turned somewhere up ahead. But suddenly that didn't matter anymore when I heard the shuffling of gravel again. Despite what I was telling my mind right then I knew for a fact that it wasn't a rock or something falling. I quickly turned on my back to look behind me, my eyes darting every which way desperately trying to make sense of what was going on.
Something caught my attention in the corner of my eye. I grabbed at my gun in its holster, but soon realized it wasn't there. I was holding it a moment ago. Damn it. I must have dropped it when I tripped. This wasn't good. I glanced around—still trying to keep some attention on my surroundings—and found it not too far away from me. Scurrying toward it, I hastily stood up and pointed it down the road, and soon any other direction the sound could be coming from. I knew I was in trouble. Someone was out there and it was not someone from my side. We didn't play mind games like this on each other in such serious situations.
Again, something moved in my peripheral, and I instinctively shoot at it. I was a jumpy, terrified kid; what else was I suppose to do? When the bullet ricocheted off a pile of rubble, there was a gasp somewhere nearby, probably from behind. Oh, dear god, there really is someone there. My throat felt tight when I swallowed heavily, taking a cautious step toward it. A piece of glass—or something—cracked underneath my foot and someone made a dash for it down the road from where I was heading. Without thinking, I fired again. I didn't think it hit, but he fell to the ground to avoid the shot anyway.
That is my chance. My breath quickened even more—so did my heartbeat—and I ran toward the fallen man, gun pointed. I stood over him, my hands shaking.
"D-Don't move." His hands moved down as though he was going to stand up or turn. I tensed up even more and adjusted the grip on my gun. "I said don't move!" He freezed, suddenly realizing the situation he was in, it seemed. My breath was still heavy, I was still terrified, but I took a moment to look this guy over.
His uniform was filthy, like he had been out here for a while. If the reports I heard were accurate, the rebel side didn't necessarily have it very well. Seeing it with my own eyes made me feel even worse about this war, and I almost felt sorry for this man. When I looked even closer, he was small—at least compared to the normal grown men I had seen—like me. He couldn't be that much older than me by the look of him, either. Another kid forced to grow up. This was getting sickening; having to point a gun at someone my own age. The sinking feeling in my gut worsened. He was also unarmed. Maybe in his fit to get away he dropped it?
"Hitachiin! Hitachiin!" Both of us jolted hearing my name and I turned for a moment to find Ootori running back for me. Either he got caught up in something or he finally realized I wasn't with him anymore. My eyes went back to the young man I stood over, gun still pointed. He was still for a moment before he started turning again. Somehow, I didn't feel threatened by it. He just wanted to see what was going on, who he got caught by. I could hear Ootori, but he was still far off.
"What the hell are you doing!"
Dear God, please, no.
"Shoot him!"
My eyes were transfixed with a pair of identical amber and I was in complete shock and disbelief. Staring down the barrel of my gun, the one I shot at; it was my own flesh and blood. My mind was racing and yet there was nothing—I didn't know what to do. Naturally, I could never bring myself to actually pull the trigger on him, but I couldn't necessarily disobey a direct order from a superior, either. If one of the higher ups found out, I could end up dead—figuratively or literally. But Ootori kept calling out and he just kept staring in disbelief. I couldn't believe that I had been put into this situation. I didn't want to.
"Shoot him already!"
I bit my lip and held the gun up to my face, clenching my eyes shut. I didn't want to be here; I didn't want to do this.
"Kaoru."
At that, I couldn't take it. I yelled out in frustration and threw the gun somewhere. It discharged from the impact and at the sound of it I collapsed to my knees, covering my ears. I just cried. Ootori stopped running toward us—I can't hear him. He started to sit up and threw his helmet off, but I didn't really notice. His breath was heavy, like he was nervous and in shock—I would be surprised if he wasn't. Tentatively, he reached out his hand and placed it carefully on my shoulder and I jolted at the contact; I didn't flinch away, though. I just threw myself at him, tightly bringing my arms around his torso and continued to cry in his shoulder. He still seemed shaken up by this, but he soon returned the action.
Never had his arms around me, his fingers running though my hair, felt this good. We both seemed to be hit by the realization that we had finally found each other, and he buried his head in my neck, his hands clenching at my uniform. My name was muttered again; satisfaction in his voice, and all I could do was continue to cry. I was just so relieved.
"—idiot…" I mumbled through the tears, trying to hit him a few times. He just lightly laughed to himself as I just kept spewing nonsense. "You're such an idiot…!" We both knew I didn't mean it in the least and I was frustrated and so happy despite my words and actions. All he did was hold me closer. Just behind me I heard Ootori step closer, and I was surprised he didn't said anything yet. He must have been surprised, though. I did fail to mention to him that the one I was looking for was my twin brother.
There were hands on my face, forcing me to look into those amber eyes I had been missing for so long, and we both just stared at each other for a moment; the tears were still running down my face. He looked worried, yet seemed happy at the same time.
"What are you doing out here?" he finally asked, and for a moment I almost forgot to answer. I was just so elated to hear his voice again. I just closed my eyes and rested my head against his.
I finally found my voice: "I could ask you the same thing."
He sighed and we both knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He nuzzled closer to me anyway. "I'm serious, Kaoru."
"So am I." I said without second thought, "I've been looking for you. For such a long time." We were both silent for a moment, waiting for that inevitable question, "Why did you leave? You don't know how worried I've been about you."
He buried his head in my shoulder again, holding me close. Nothing mattered right then but him. I couldn't care less about where we were; I couldn't care less about the war; I couldn't care less about Ootori watching us. I trusted him, so I knew he could wait this out. I'd have to thank him later.
"I'm sorry." It's all he said for a while, mattered against my skin. I couldn't bring myself to push farther in the matter right then. With every ounce of my heart I knew he meant it. He knew that I've been worried about him. He just didn't know what he had put me through. The hell we have both gone through, that we could have easily avoided. The loneliness that I knew he had to have felt, the same kind wreaking my heart every night I didn't know where he was. He didn't know, but he was willing to understand the feelings. I didn't think he would ever understand the abandonment I instinctively felt, though.
There was a screech of a radio behind us, and I turned to look at Ootori talking into a receiver. I couldn't make out much of what is coming out, but Ootori didn't mention anything about this and I was glad. My brother tensed up in my arms, and I think we had reached the same question: what are we going to do? We both couldn't just get up and leave. And I couldn't take my brother with me. He would have been arrested as a prisoner of war, and in his condition I doubted he would last long.
"Hitachiin." Ootori approached, still seeming a little amazed, glancing from Hikaru to myself. He sighed to himself, thinking the same thing we had. "I really hate to break up this reunion, but we have to keep moving. We really can't stay any longer before we'll be left behind." He looked at my brother, disappointment in his eyes that this had to happen like it did.
I turned to look at my brother worried about what would happen, and all he did was smile at me in that reassuring way of his. For once I didn't return it. He stood up bringing me with him and embraced me again. He pulled away and before I could speak my worries he held a finger to my lips, keeping me silent.
"Kaoru. Do you know that park not too far away from here? The one with the fountain?" It seemed like an odd question to ask right then, but I did know what he was talking about. I nodded the finger still lingering. His lips curved into that grin of his that I knew and loved. He had a plan, and I was catching on. It was terribly risky but that didn't matter anymore.
"Meet me there tonight. We can finally catch up." Before I could even agree, he hugged me one last time, grabbed his helmet and ran off down the road. I didn't say anything as I watched him disappear behind a building. A careful touch to my shoulder brought me out of my daze and I looked back at Ootori watching me with worry. We both knew this wasn't going to end well. At least not for a while.
"Come on. We have to go." It was all he said as he started down the road—the opposite way that my brother had gone—and stopped to wait for me this time. Looking down the road one last time, hoping, I picked up my gun and turned to head where we were needed.
"You're not actually going to go see him, are you?" Ootori asked across from me on the bed as I threw another canister into a pack. I threw it over my shoulder and just grinned at him. He didn't look too thrilled.
"Yup."
He sighed, pushing up his glasses as he tried to find the logic in what I was doing. I couldn't really find it either but to me that didn't matter.
"You do know that if they find out, you'll be detained, correct?" He stood up from the bed when I headed closer for the door hoping to knock some sense into me. I wasn't sneaking out to meet someone unaffiliated with this affair. I was going to meet someone from the enemy side. Even if they knew it was my brother it wouldn't be overlooked. Both of us knew that. One of us was crazy enough to chance it.
"I know." I took on a serious tone and didn't bother to turn to face him. I wanted to make a statement, and I wanted him to know how serious I was about this. "But I'll only be in trouble if they find out." I finally turned to him cluing him in on what I wanted. He was the only one that knew about this, and I wanted to keep it that way. He sighed, irritated; he understood what I meant.
"…I can't believe I'm doing this…" He muttered to himself pinching the bridge of his nose. His arms crossed and he just looked at me for a moment. "Don't be gone long. If someone asks, you'll be on your own." It may not have seemed like it but I had gained his approval of this, though rather forcefully in my own way. All I could do was smile at him and thank him silently as I quickly left before he could object again.
The moon was almost full, illuminating the streets in a dull light. I was thankful for it as I didn't bring anything to light my way—it would be easier to sneak around without one. That being said, it still didn't help me much to find my way around this deserted district. Roads seemed longer—and shorter—in the dark. Landmarks I used during the day to find my way around were almost impossible to see for me. But I knew I had to keep going. I wasn't going to play it safe this once, and risk everything to finally be with my brother again like we should have been from the beginning.
Just up ahead I saw a light of a small fire and realized I had made it. I started running but stopped short once I got a few meters away from it. A darkened figure—one I easily recognized—was seated close to it, back toward me. Hearing the footsteps he turned part of his face lit from the back by the fire. Despite the darkness and lighting I could easily see the excitement in his eyes when he saw I had come. For a moment I thought that maybe he believed that I might not show up. Under these circumstances I couldn't blame him if he did.
He stood up abruptly and kicked the fire out—mostly—and rushed toward me. I couldn't help myself. Like before I dropped everything and threw myself at him. There wasn't any complaining when I clung to his neck burying my nose in his shoulder.
It felt like so long that we stood there clinging to each other. I never actually thought that this nightmare that I had been living in would finally calm and a peaceful dream would replace it, even if just for a moment like this. It felt too wonderful to be real but the tightening of his arms around my waist proved just as reassuring as pinching myself would have. He finally broke the peaceful silence.
"I've been worried about you." It was all he said as he moved to look me in the eyes. My eyes had adjusted to the lighting, but it was still not enough to catch every little detail that I had missed. But I could still see in his eyes that he had truly been worried and I just smiled at him.
"I'm just glad I finally found you." It was all I could say right then. I couldn't find the words I wanted to tell him, let him know how much I had missed him and how terrified I had been that something could have happened to him. The weight on my heart thinking of that, I had gotten so used to it. Knowing and seeing that he was just fine, it left me feeling almost giddy, for lack of a better term. I sighed placing my head back on his shoulder. It was a horribly old habit, but they die hard. Besides I didn't hear him complaining about it.
"C'mon," he started to tug me in the direction of the dried fountain, "I think I owe you an explanation." He smiled ruefully and I couldn't help but let myself be led to sit down just a few steps behind us.
We sat in silence for the longest time. He was trying to find the words that he wanted to say, find where to start. After all this time waiting, I could wait a little longer for him. I just spent my time watching him, noticing that he hadn't changed much at all despite what he had gone through. The question that had been running around my head for such a long time just slipped out.
"Why did you leave?"
He turned to face me, an apologetic look in his eyes that struck my heart. Soon enough though he turned away looking out at the darkness that surrounded us.
"It's hard to explain." He began in a hushed voice ashamed to admit what he had done, "I know this argument between sides is almost pointless, but… I agreed with what we were trying to do. Everyone knew that it was going to spread to every part of the city. …I felt helpless." I suddenly remembered him telling me something like this before, a while before he disappeared. "Mom and Dad… Especially you, you're all I really have. So I had to do something." His eyes finally rose up and meet mine, "I had to protect you."
I suddenly felt guilty. Hikaru was out here for me and I was out here for selfish reasons. It seemed rather ironic in a way.
"Why didn't you tell me that?" My voice grew weak.
"If I did you would have stopped me," he did have a point there. "Trust me. I felt horrible doing that, leaving you alone. But I knew that once this was all over we could go back to the way things were. And I uh… heh," he suddenly seemed embarrassed to admit something, "I wrote you letters every chance I got."
"I never got anything."
"I never sent them."
I was utterly confused but seeing that bashful smile on his face I couldn't help but smile despite myself. He wasn't making any sense.
"Why not?" I asked a small laugh tinting my voice.
"I knew you would write back." His smile brightened yet I could see a distant look in his eyes like he was smiling through his regrets. "I was so tempted to send you them, but I knew if I got a reply from you I'd only end up missing you more. So I kept them to myself. I planned on giving you all of them once I got back home. It kept me going thinking of that." He smiled again at me though a little melancholy. The silence around us grew as I just stared at him in wonder. I would have never though that he would be able to do something like that. But I was proud of him. He found a way to keep him going, to keep hoping through those unsent letters. I was proud that he was my brother.
"I'll have to read them when we get home."
The night passed by rather slowly. We didn't talk much more after that only small little stories of what was going on and what happened. It was nothing too revealing to either side, just those small war stories that I never thought I'd get to tell or hear from my brother. He had been through a lot, just like me.
A small beeping rang out into the air and Hikaru quickly dug into his pocket and pulled out a small wristwatch. It took a moment to notice that it was my old one I thought I had lost a long time ago. He sighed disappointed and irritated.
"Damn… It's a long walk for me to get here. I need to be back before someone notices I'm gone." I had gotten so caught up in him that I didn't realize I was in the same boat. He stood up from his seat and looked up at the sky. It didn't look ay different than it did before but that wouldn't hold up for too much longer. Our eyes met again and he smiled.
"Kaoru. I honestly never thought that you would follow me here. But I guess I was wrong." He purposely overreacted to the statement trying to keep our moods up. A small smirk soon appeared on his face. "Let's met here again. If you're not going to stay out of harm's way then I don't have a reason to be here. I'm sure we'll think of something to get out of this."
Without even worrying about the consequences I agree full-heartedly. We agreed to meet here every night until we have every last detail planned out. It would take a while but knowing that the other is trying just as hard made it seems so easy.
I picked up my bag that I had dropped as I get ready to leave and soon remembered something I had forgotten to do earlier.
"Hikaru. Here." I dug out a small canister I had packed with me earlier and handed it to him. He takes it and looks it over curiously. I just smiled. "It's extra rations. Just a little, though. If what I hear is true you need it more than me." I soon grinned at him, and he just shook his head at me, laughing to himself.
"Thanks." He genuinely meant it as he opened the canister to see what I had brought. It was nothing special but his eyes still lit up seeing it. It was a weird feeling doing something like this for him. I knew he needed it and I felt like I owed him so much anyway. I just wanted to do what I could for him. I sighed, content with myself.
With one last embrace we parted ways for the time being and I somehow felt a little brighter about everything. My worries and doubts were now unfounded and I just knew right then that everything was going to get better from here on out. I had my brother again and that was all that mattered. I would have to thank Ootori when I got back for helping me and keeping me from giving up.
"Where the hell is Hitachiin?"
It's been about a week since our first meeting like that. We've spent hours together planning and thinking of different possibilities for us to leave without notice and without trouble. It took that whole time and we believed we have the right plan. We were going to meet one last time to run through things again and make sure that all the holes in it could be covered. This was terribly risky and would cause our arrest if we were caught. But Hikaru was confident that we could pull it off and I strongly believed in him. It might have been the lack of seeing him for so long that my vision could have fogged up but I still trusted him nonetheless about what we were about to do.
"Hitachiin." I was packing a bag on my bed and Ootori had been watching carefully for such a long time. Something seemed to be bothering him yet he refused to let me know. I was a little surprised to finally hear him speak up. "You shouldn't do this anymore." He looked almost forlorn as he said that, something I rarely see in those hard eyes. It made me a little worried.
"Why the sudden change of heart?" I joked, trying to keep his spirits high. It didn't work.
"I'm serious. You can't keep this up."
"I won't have to." I threw the bag over my shoulder and looked up at him. He looked concerned as he didn't quite understand. It suddenly hit him.
"Hitachiin, you can't expect—" I rose my finger to my lips, shushing him. It was silent for a moment as I try to pick my words carefully.
"I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm risking. But I'm willing to take those chances if it's for my brother. He's everything to me." I turned at that and started to leave. I could almost feel Ootori's frustration, as I knew he wanted to say something to keep me from making some kind of mistake, but I didn't feel like I was making one. I strongly felt that I was doing what I needed to do. With that resolve I left.
There was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind as I waited at the fountain. I had left about the same time I always had and Hikaru was always here waiting for me. By the look of the fire he always made he must have waited for me for a while. So where was he? A shiver ran down my spine as the night air nipped at me though the cold wasn't the only thing starting to get to me. It was out of habit really that I started thinking that something happened to him on his way here. But I forced the thoughts from my mind. Hikaru wasn't that careless.
There was a faint noise behind me and for a moment I felt a little relieved and excited. The feelings didn't last long when I realized they were footsteps but not Hikaru's. I just knew it wasn't him. It didn't feel right. Did… someone find out?
"Don't move, son." My worst fears were realized when I heard that voice booming in my ears despite the low tone he used. They found out. I couldn't move to turn to look at him but I still knew. It was the commanding officer of this regiment. "I hear some pretty interesting stories out here. Yours definitely caught my attention."
This couldn't be happening. There was no way for them to know unless… Ootori told them. A hand came up to cover my mouth in disbelief; I was starting to feel sick. If they know about what I had been doing then they had to know whom I was seeing. That sickening feeling worsened when I realized why my brother wasn't here. They must have cut him off. Neither of us would have expected something like this to happen already. You really can't keep secrets in the military. There was a stinging in the backs of my eyes when I realized what might happen to us.
"You were a good kid, Hitachiin. I don't want to make this uglier than it already is." His choice of words scared me. "Stand up."
For the longest time I stayed frozen there unable to move. I finally dragged myself to my feet knowing that there was no use fighting him. I knew I wouldn't be able to get away. I wasn't going anywhere without my brother beside me.
The man grabbed my arm and tugged me closer to him then held both my arms behind my back. There was the sharp chill of metal around my wrists and I was soon dragged back toward base. For whatever reason I looked back at the fountain and at the old charred wood of the small fire that was still there. Something shimmered in the moonlight and I finally noticed that next to the wood was my old wristwatch.
The walk back seemed to take an eternity and my head pounded every step of the way. There was complete silence around us. I tried running different plans through my head of how I could possibly get out of this but none of them seemed feasible, only poor pathetic excuses for my actions that I was strangely not ashamed of. There was no way my brother and I were going to get out of this. There was no way they would overlook this just for the sake of some kids. This was war. Something like this was inexcusable.
It felt like hours—it probably was—before we finally reached base and my heart just sunk at the sight. There was a small group of men, waiting, and in their custody was my brother. He looked a little worse than usual and yet somehow I wasn't surprised by it. Our men tend to be a little rough and merciless against the enemy side. Our eyes met for a moment and we both could so easily sense the fear of what we had gotten ourselves into. This was my entire fault. I just knew it was.
I almost lost my balance when I was pushed toward these men, bumping into my brother in the process. He didn't say anything but I knew he was worried about me, about us.
"Get rid of these boys. We don't have a need for people who can't stay loyal to anything but themselves." The officer's voice was commanding yet did hold some remorse in it. He had a job to do, however, and that job did not involve tolerating such behavior we had shown. Hikaru just bit his lip and closed his eyes as he leaned his forehead against mine. It wasn't often I saw him this weak as I looked up at him with an apologetic look. I hoped he could forgive me.
I barely heard what was going on around us.
"Like I said," he starts to turn to leave, "Get rid of them."
I could feel both our hearts sink at those words.
We were taken to an open flattened plot of land not too far from base but the walk there was heavy. No one spoke to us on our way there; we didn't even speak to each other. All we did was lean against each other each slow step in sync. It brought some comfort to my heart but not enough. Nothing could lighten this mood anymore.
The sun was still down though it wouldn't be long before it started to shine by the look in the sky. We faced where it would be rising and just stared off into the distance. We were given until the sun was up. Hikaru finally broke the piercing silence.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru." I quickly turned to him, shocked.
"What are you sorry for? This is my fault," the backs of my eyes were starting to sting as I vented my worries at him. "I shouldn't have told Ootori about you; about what I was doing. About everything. I was just so excited that I finally got to be with you again. I'm an idiot."
"You're the one who followed me." He simply retorts looking out at the distance. I felt horrible about this. Hikaru turned toward me again smiling despite the situation. "I guess we both screwed up, huh?" I was surprised that he could crack a joke like that now but I was thankful that he could. It lightened my heart a little. Despite myself, I returned it.
"We lived a good life, right?"
"…We're only eighteen, Hikaru."
"Hm. I said good not long."
It wasn't long before the sun finally emerged form behind far off buildings and we were both dropped down to our knees. My heart was racing and continued even faster when I heard a click of a gun behind us. I bit my lip and shut my eyes waiting for the inevitable. The sweet sound of my brother's voice brought me back for a moment, though.
"Kaoru." I didn't bother looking toward him instead fixed my gaze out at the sky in front of us. "I love you, brother."
"…I love you, too," my voice was weak and I didn't know how Hikaru could find the strength to do this. "Always have. Always will." I could almost feel his warm smile, distant yet still right there with me.
One man yelled out and I could feel the cold metal of the gun against the back of my head. In my peripheral they were doing the same to my brother. There was one last yell and the sound of one deafening gunshot. I felt my heart almost stop when I watched my brother go down, time slowing just to torment me. I choke back a sudden sob. And clench my eyes shut. I couldn't watch this anymore. There was another yell and the gun against my head was adjusted. That's when a thought hit me and somehow I felt lighter.
Was it horrible of me to be glad that my brother went first? I couldn't care less about me living longer than him; I would have gladly thrown my life away for him. But he didn't have to see this anymore. He didn't have to live a moment of his life without feeling utterly alone, knowing that he didn't have anything left to live for like I had to for that moment. I was the one who had to suffer longer than him and I was just glad that he didn't have to go through that.
A small smile tugged at my lips as tears rolled down my face uncontrollably. My eyes opened for one moment and my eyes took in the soft look of my brother's face as he lay there. He was the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes knowing full well I would never open them again. I felt content strangely enough.
There was one last yell and everything went silent.
At least Hikaru would be waiting for me and we could finally be together again, like we should have been from the beginning.
a/n: please point out any mistakes as I only reread this once. I have a horrible habit of switching tenses when I write first-person.