I own nothing!
Kurt: Mr. Schue. It's Britney time!
Mr. Schuester: What?
Kurt: It's Britney Spears time! Since she's out of jail now, we gotta do her music. Then the kids will love us for abut a day before they ironically begin slushying us again.
Mr. Schuester: That is completely inappropriate! I will not have that happening in MY classroom.
Brittany: We have the same name! Britney scares me, because well, we're both blonde and have the same name. Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany Spears.
Quinn: Brit, your middle name's Cynthia
Santana: Lay off Fabray! It still makes the ssss sound! Don't make me beat you up again! You know, That's how we do it in Lima Heights!
Brittany: That was totally awesome! You like pushed her against the locker and then on the floor, while pausing in the middle to exchange snide comments!
Mr. Schuester: Santana! You're not supposed to obsessively mention Lima Heights Adjacent until AFTER Puck blows you off for Lauren.
Santana: Who the hell is Lauren?
Mr. Schuester: oops never mind. Continue your arguing, I have to go change vests anyways. (Mr. Schue exits.)
Quinn: (turning back to Santana) Why didn't you get in trouble for starting a fight.
Santana: Something about it not actually being a fight if all you did was push and grab hair for 5 seconds. I guess the name calling didn't really count. Plus Mr. Shue was too busy staring up my skirt while simultaneously feeling you up as I walked away.
Glee club time and all the kids are in the choir room Ms. Pillsbury and Carl walked in.
Santana: I would so tap that.
Emma: Shut up Santana! It'll give him ideas! We haven't gotten to that stage in our relationship yet.
Mr. Schuester: (jumping out of his seat) Really? Have far have you gotten?
Emma: Well seeing it's been all summer, we recently upgraded to kissing. On the lips! But not for more than 5 seconds. We're not ready for that yet.
Carl: All right! You're gonna chew on these things to make your teeth blue if you're an unhygienic nasty person, or regular looking if you're an actual person. (passes out tablets) If you pass, you may each kiss your significant other.
Artie: And if we don't have one?
Mr. Schuester: Don't worry. That'll change in a week or 2 and eventually, you'll need to keep a list of how many Glee kids you've dated!
Kurt: But what if I want to date someone outside of Glee Club?
Mr. Schuester: That's a violation of the honor code! That's strike 2! Now just chew on the damn tablets while I try to aggressively stare at Carl! (kids chew tablets. Everyone's teeth are clean except Rachel's. Everyone turns around to look at her)
Finn: AHHHH! ( Finn backs out of his seat and stands on the opposite side of the room. Kurt follows) Hey dude! Too close. You gotta walk 10 steps behind me at school unless I need to talk to you!
Rachel: What? What's wrong?
Santana: You're teeth are blue.
Rachel: AHHHHHHHH!
Glee Club rehearsal. Mr. Schue walks in.
Mr. Schuester: All right guys let's get started because the quicker we start the quicker we finish.
Brittany: Wait! I'd just like to say I'm the new Diva of Glee and I will be doing every solo now.
Mercedes: Oh HELL NO! That's MY job! WE all know Rachel gets first pick and which ever songs she doesn't want to sing are given to me and Kurt to fight over and whatever songs WE don't want go to Tina. But you and Tina can fight for solos!
Santana: zip it, Wheezy. Me and Brit just had awesome Dream Sex with that hot dentist. And Brittany Spears.
Puck: Foursome! Hot!
Kurt: See Mr. Schue! Now will you let us do Bri-
Mr. Schuester: DO NOT SAY THAT NAME!
Kurt: Britney-
Mr. Schuester: (putting fingers in his ears) LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Kurt: Spears.
Mr. Schuester: That's it! Principal Figgins! NOW! ( A hush falls in the room. Kurt gingerly packs up his bag and tries to walk rebelliously out of the room)
Mike: (whispering to Tina) I'd like to see him explain he got kicked out for mentioning Britney spears.
Mr. Schuester: You get out too Mike
Mike: aw man (Mike hangs his head and shuffles out of the room)
Mr. Schuester: All right guys! I've decided we're doing Britney Spears for the assembly! I took the liberty of getting us all some accessories. Since I'm going to be singing in it, I got us all black bowler hats and black vests as a tribute to me!
Mike: Do we have to wear the vests?
Mr. Schuester: Get out of my classroom.
Mike: Isn't this technically the choir teachers classroom?
Mr. Schuester: (laughing) We don't have a choir teacher! Our school's too poor for that.
Artie: Mr. Schue, I like the vest idea!
Mr. Schue: Thank you Artie! For that, all the girls still have to wear vests but guys can wear suspenders like Artie does! (Artie sticks his tongue out at Mike Chang as he leaves)
Rachel's walking down the hallway in a sexier version of her usual school girl clothes getting cat calls and whistles.
Finn: Babe put on some clothes! Save that outfit for tonight though (Finn winks at her)
Rachel: No! Lately people have been focusing on Britney Spears and NOT me. This look will give me the attention I need while simultaneously making every guy in school dump their girlfriend. Now their girlfriends will be so focused on getting them back, nobody'll care about you! Also, it'll make you jealous, just in case you decide to cheat on me or dump me for, say Quinn which will never happen (Laughs)
Finn: I guess that makes sense.
( Principal Figgins walks by, escorting Tina to his office)
Principal Figgins: I just heard there's no such thing as Vampires. Tina you must change you're outfit immediately!
Tina: But Principal Figgins this isn't fair. Look at Rachel's outfit!
Principal Figgins: Yes well that ones okay. Besides the fact that it helps keep hallway traffic under control, her boyfriend's on the football team again.
Tina: Mike's on the football team. He's my boyfriend. (Principal Figgins looks confused) You know, the Asian.
Principal Figgins: Oh yes of course! (sighing) All right. You're off the hook this time, but as soon as people get tired of you 2, it's straight to the office!
Will shows Emma his new car outside.
Emma: (rolling her eyes) wow. A new car. Just like Carl's.
Will: (Winking at her and flexing his muscles)Yeah. I'm livin on the wild side. Yesterday I got a cheetah print vest! I can't be tamed! Kind of makes you wanna dump him for me, huh?
Emma: Not really. On Carl it's hot. Everyone knows dentists are clearly hotter than Spanish teachers! (Emma walks away)
Will: she wants me
It's after the Britney Spears number and Will enters Emma's office.
Will: So. What'd you think of the Spears number? No big deal, ya know just livin on the wild side. (Will leans over her desk, showing off his cheetah print vest)
Emma: Will just stop because I'm getting embarrassed for you. No guy will ever be called manly in a cheetah vest, especially with that creepy smile you keep giving me after licking your lips. I feel like a 12 year old about to be molested. Now I have to go because Carl's taking me on a surprise adventure! (Emma leaves)
Glee club rehearsal and Mr. Schue walks in to discuss the assembly. Mr. Schue walks over to his board and writes the word awful.
Finn: wait, we're doing awful songs now?
Puck: If we are I recommend Friday by Rebecca Black
Artie: Hey! I kinda like that song
Tina: Figures
Mr. Schuester: No! I was talking about you guys' rendition of Toxic. It was effed up.
Mike: Uh you sang too.
Mr. Schuester: Yeah but I was clearly amazing and I can't be bothered with carrying the whole club. SO let's never do that again. Okay? Okay. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm ending rehearsal early to spy on Emma and Carl er… I mean… get some more sheet music. (Mr. Schue exits)
Quinn: what are we supposed to do now?
Rachel: Well actually I'm glad you brought that up. I have prepared a special piece to-
Kurt: Save it, doll face. No one wants to hear you sing some sappy ballad to Finn about how you're not fighting anymore. (Rachel storms out of the room and after a few minutes of thinking, Finn follows her)
Artie: We could practice Friday (everyone groans and leaves the room)