Dear Diary,
If I could write a book about what my life has been like and what I feel it would never end. I know it has been months probably even a year and I still only think about him. Most of the time I just feel numb that the world around me isn't where I belong. It reminds me of how I felt when I was brought back from heaven the only defense is he is not here. He is the reason why I feel like this the reason I am going through the motions every day. I wake up get Dawn to school and wish that he would return and go to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see his bright blue eyes and our hands burning up with him saying "no you don't but thanks for saying it". Everyone tells me he is happy and in heaven and I believe that but I just want him back. I don't know how everyone wants me to just get up and move on. I found out I loved him when I was just too late. I know deep down that I loved him the day he held me all night. The wonderful speech he gave about me being the one. I writing this because everyone said it would help but I don't believe them. Right now going through the mistakes I made makes me even sadder. I really don't they understand my feelings. The one person who understands the most out of all of them is Xander. I mean he did lose Anya but the difference is that they proved that they loved each other. I feel so close to him sometimes and far away others. We help each other through some of the worst moments but we mostly just have the basic understanding with each other. I was wrong to tell him I loved him that way and he understood I meant it but if he had answered truthfully he would know I would have stayed with him. Truthfully I would have stayed with him. I would have held on with all I had and never let go. He wouldn't have let me anyway though. I try every night in my nightmares to either rip it off or went with him. Every night he would say the same thing he said that day. I would wake up screaming either "SPIKE" or "YES I DO", but no one was there. No cool vampire arms wrapped around me. No soft whisper of words that would instantly calm me down. So I start sobbing hard and gasping to catch my breath. I still don't know how he stayed strong for dawn when I was gone. He did so well and I didn't even appreciate how he did that. I am so\o proud of him. He once said to me "I know you'll never love me but you treat me like a man and that's enough". I always saw him as William the man never a monster. I said he was a soulless, evil, monster who could never love because I couldn't understand how I could love him. But the one thing he didn't believe and was the truth is…
I Buffy Anne Summers Love/Loves/Loved William/Spike/The vampire with a soul that's more than human my Champion and will be my Man forever more!
What Buffy didn't know was Spike was standing outside listening to Buffy reading out loud what she wrote. When he heard my Champion he ran straight into the house and up to her room where she was crying her eyes out. The first word that came out of her since she finished her diary was…
"SPIKE"