Shouldn't I be happy now?
I've gotten what I want. There's no Peeta, it's just Katniss and I in District 13. Well, I shouldn't say there's no Peeta. He could very likely still be out there in the capitol still trying to survive.
That's what Katniss thinks. I don't know what she thinks anymore, which is scary; I've always been able to read her like a book. I feel as if I can't read, I have lost my ability to have that connection with her anymore.
I don't feel happy at all, I feel as if I don't know anyone here. Yes, I still have my family and Katniss', but it's different. Everyone has changed, for better and worse.
I remember wishing for Peeta to leave so Katniss could realize her true and real feelings for me, so we could be happy together. We could try to forget the Hunger Games and all of the bad things that we have witnessed. If anything, Katniss is more confused than ever about her feelings for Peeta and me.
Now, I wish I never wished it in the first place. My wish has been granted, Peeta is not here. I thought I would feel joy and accomplishment when this would happen but instead I feel the exact opposite, sadness and shame.
If I would have known that Katniss would completely lose it, I would have never. I don't even think Katniss knew she would lose it either. Ever since Haymitch has been back, I think she has gotten better. Haymitch has me in charge of making sure she gets to bed at night. It almost makes me feel like a babysitter. Although, it doesn't stop me from going into her room every night, watching her for a while before I decide to leave.
I easily find my way down her hallway and to her door. Katniss does share a compartment with Primrose and her mother but I go check on Katniss when her mom and sister are still working in the hospital. I must admit, checking on Katniss every night is not what I want to do.
Watching Katniss sleep is like watching a bird with a broken wing trying to fly away. You want to help her but you're scared you would cause her more pain. Besides, Haymitch told me to not even try to help her wake up.
I didn't argue with him, I wouldn't even know how to wake her up, if I wanted to.
My eyes land on Katniss as I make it towards her bed. She is curled up in a fetal position with the blankets twisted in her legs. I'm used to seeing this, I sit in the chair I always do and get ready for the screaming.
"Peeta, come back to me," Katniss whispers with tears streaming down her face. It's this kind of nightmares that tear me apart. It's not just the way she says Peeta's name that breaks my heart in two, it's that I can't bring myself to wake her up.
"NO! Please don't hurt him," Katniss whimpers against her pillow. Pain rushes through me, every night the nightmares seem to get worse. I wince when she starts screaming again.
"Please don't take him! Take me! I deserve it! He's just my boy with the bread," Katniss yells this at the top of her lungs. She's gasping for air as her cries stick in her throat. I can't take it, seeing her like this. Any other night before this I would deal with it, but night I feel as if I'm in a nightmare watching her.
Forget what Haymitch said, it's not right having me watch her like an animal and then not help her. I get up and walk towards her, she's still yelling Peeta's name.
"Katniss wake up," I murmur to her shaking her shoulder. She starts struggling against me, tossing and turning everywhere. I shake her harder until she stops yelling and she gasps in surprise.
"Peeta," Katniss asks with so much hope in her voice it almost makes me feel bad for being here, when she wants Peeta here. I swallow and rub her back.
"No, it's me, Gale."
I can visibly see Katniss sink deeper into her blankets when she realizes Peeta is still in the Capitol. She rolls over and faces away from me. The message could not be any clearer.
She doesn't want me.
Maybe right now she doesn't want me, but the message is still as clear as a bell. If I'm not Peeta, Katniss won't want me. Which still stings as I get up from the bed and head for the door, slowly, letting her have a chance to stop me?
She doesn't bite, just lays motionless in bed. I slam the door on my way out and run down the hall. How could I be so stupid? Katniss will never want anyone else but Peeta.
Why didn't I see it before?