TOMB RIDER Too, Starving Lara Croft
(Tomb Raider II, Starring LC)
Suicidal Exploits
There was a vision taking place at sunrise about a Chinese army fighting a dragon seven times their size with arrows and torches; good luck folks. One of the villagers that had been caught in this hell, solely because he was still in the field gathering rice, saw that a dagger was stuck in the dragon's chest. The creature was too preoccupied with the arrows deflecting on his thick skin to notice the unimportant Tibetan below him; thus the man got up on a cart in order to reach the glowing aura emitted from the chest, not giving a damn about his legs getting stuck in cow's dung on said cart.
It was indeed a dagger and a magnificent one at that but the monk had not so much as a chance to marvel at it as for the dragon began dying, and the man was at the right spot to receive its scorching breath right in the face. The flesh from the legendary creature melted from its bones, and judging by the commander's face pinching his nose it stank like rotten meat on a warm sunny day.
Then the commander plus two other monks picked up the dagger in order to return it to the sacred sanctuary where it had been stolen. The preacher opening the vault felt like this was a really bad idea being the one carrying it, he glanced back only to be ordered to move forward by his partner. He vowed that if he survived this that his colleague would owe him his ration for two weeks straight, but the other monk knew that he wouldn't survive this.
The bald man approached the middle of the room, pedestal staring back at him with violet eyes similar to the ones engraved at the tip of the handle. Doom was written all over the place but he had no other choice than slide the blade into its designated sheath, in hopes that all the prayers he had recited for years would pay off now: no such luck. So the man died and Lara Croft stood up to remove the movie Dagger of Xian from the DVD player, threw it on the floor before shooting it blasting the pieces to four corners of her vast manor.
«That's what you get for praying to gods that don't exist.»
Croft then went outside to exercise, passing by the ugly fountain resembling a fish, she glanced at it, «I wonder who designed this shitty art. And I paid for that…?», but it's alright since money isn't a problem, she could always waste some more. All she had to do was go to her basement and pick up one of the many gold bars there then go to the London bank to retrieve more cash.
She moved to the back of her gigantic manor towards the training grounds by jumping every two steps and sounding as if having the hiccup. Arrived there she started stretching, but then a minute later she smelled it before seeing it; his servant WinsTon OldFart who was farting his way towards her as the breeze had sent his foul whiff her way. She sighed while still preparing her muscles; soon the annoying sound of teapot shaking was heard. She dared not look his way as he approached; the man was so old that what remained of his face was a set of flabby skin on top of one another, and a wee opening somewhere in there trying to provide air. Well the pixels did not aid his appearance in the least. He moaned before farting once more, ever shaking the tea he held on a plateau; making her clench her jaws together so as not to yell obscenities. After one endless minute of this constant nightmare however Lara lost her cool, «Fuck's sake old man! I think the tea is well shaken up by now, you can stop!» moreover a cloud of flies had gathered around them thanks to WinsTon's charming odor.
She then proceeded to start with her exercise but he stumbled in front of her, she tried to make him move away, «What—no, out of the… oh bloody rotten pieces of skin-» he fell face first ruining the tea. She stared at him not doing anything, «Why in the hell am I employing you rather than a more competent person!?»
He moaned weakly, «…Because you don't pay me anything and barely feed me, Miss Croft.», a sentence hard to decipher amid all the limp membranes.
«Right. We both know I can't afford any of that.», and on this she left the training grounds, not providing any help. The poor disfigured servant would just remain there, ass dipped in tea on the cold ground; but it's alright since each new fart would warm his butt a bit.
Fuck tea time, Lara was not thirsty for tea but adventures. She re-entered her mansion yelling, «Mom, dad; I'm going out!» and then remembering something, mumbled, «Oh, that's right, they're dead.» Croft needed to change outfit though but since she had the bright idea to lock her wardrobe and lost the key, she now had to break the door down by using an axe. She should have known better to give that key to her butler, he probably misplaced it somewhere in his flabby skin; lost forever. Croft savagely rammed at the door several times, panting and looking quite insane as even some saliva flew forth; eventually she got the proper equipment out before exiting by the huge front gate.
She then started her jet and flew past her manor, noticing that the chimney was still congested with vegetation. She had asked WinsTon to take care of it but apparently the lazy farter ignored her threats again, he clearly disobeyed only to instigate her wrath; why else wouldn't he have ascended the highly-dangerous side of the tall mansion to go possibly lose foot on the slippery roof? He had no excuse but his incompetence therefore Lara would decline him food for an additional week. That'll teach him to have grown older with the passing of time.
Fuming, she then was off towards the Chinese wall; if anyone would have that dagger it was her, even if it meant killing a lot of people in the process and decimating endangered species.
The Chinese Wall was impressive, but not to her since she'd visited more remarkable archeological sites in the past; like the personal underground nightclub of the jackal-headed Seth which had been built entirely in bones from everyone he had merrily killed, there were also fountains spitting chocolate and slaves refilling the tasty brown pool with marshmallows.
Croft made her way over the stones while ruthlessly shooting crows that were merely just flying by taking in the beautiful scenery, plus a tiger that was minding its own business drinking peacefully at a lake. She also made use of excessive force against tarantulas inside over killing them with her shotgun, looking quite like a maniac while showing her teeth not bothered by the little organic remains getting stuck on said teeth. At some point three spiders formed a tenacious group trying to take her out, but they failed as Lara seized her Grenade Launcher and annihilated them. Weird thing is it took two grenades on one of them, Croft pondered out loud, «Hm. Must have been the leader or something, tougher.» Then looking at her right noticing the skeleton from a previous adventurer, «I don't need your stuff, I can manage on my own.», thus discarding the health pack since she doesn't need that as for she's a fucking tank of will and endurance. Why she said that out loud is a mystery though, who knows perhaps she's been alone for way too long so she talks to dead people now. And maybe it's the only way for her to have a conversation, or you know, friends.
She then crossed water while prickly objects were thrown at her from devices on the walls, it cut her skin open and rammed at her face but she cared for none of that. Making her way deeper within was even more entertaining since she had to dodge elaborated traps including deadly boulders, moving spikes, chopping blades mounted on walls and concealed traps in the floor; all of which she expertly maneuvered through while reading an adventure book and performing diving-rolls in between blades. The spikes and blades were tainted with blood, remnants of poor fools that weren't made for this kind of sport, but none of the many carcasses scarred her mentally since she was born for this.
After escaping from all this unscathed, Lara noticed other human remains near where two sharp circular objects were moving about the cave, passing from left to right in front of her. She noted how the skeleton's feet were abnormally small as she stood at an unsafe distance from the risky contraptions. The woman was then assaulted by tarantulas again; she had obviously walked in on their territory consequently needed to pay for that; though of course it all just ended with her decimating the whole gang then walking over their tiny insignificant corpses. Or parts, whatever was left of them. «Nobody threatens me.», she could have reloaded her pistols while saying that only to look more badass, but she's got super guns with infinite ammunitions, so she's just above that too.
Croft then got even more adventurous or suicidal, pick one; and made her way over an edge then down a cliff only to descend a precarious wooden ladder that stood high above ground below, which was also bathed in thick darkness. As she moved down, absolutely not knowing where she was going and frankly starting to think this might be a very bad idea; an ominous tune was triggered. She stopped and listened, brows narrowed, «…what in the bloody fuck…?»
But since it took way more than that to make her lose her cool, she kept descending and after finding more bones she was welcomed by an old friend….the ground shook as the T-Rex presumably got out of a secret door in the stone cavern or just simply spontaneously appeared there. They do that. The important thing is she now faced a fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex okay, although she didn't piss her pants since she's fought its kind before.
So she smirked and yelled, «Face the wrath of my harpoon gun!» The creature merely blinked at that as she pulled the trigger bearing a fierce expression, «Taste it!», the attacks deflected by the dinosaur's thick skin. It was when the huge creature tried to bite her head off that she switched weapon, and when the dinosaur roared once more she said, «Yeah open wiiiide!» before sending a grenade right in its mouth. When it exploded it looked like a huge watermelon flying off everywhere.
Then another one magically showed up so she picked her M16 and discharged a whole magazine into it; however fun she wondered how two Tyrannosauruses managed to live in that huge pit, perhaps slicing tiny spiders in half sharing the frugal meal so as to not starve. After scoring against its kind once more she made her way back up, almost losing feet a few times in the darkness; fortunately her panicked grip ensured her fingers clutched the wood tight enough to prevent further mishaps. She then glanced at the zip line coursing over the grand cavity, and grabbed the device not knowing for how long it's been there or if it was still in good condition; absolutely safe.
On the opposite side two jaded tigers that did nothing wrong were just nonchalantly treading around, searching for those tiny dragon effigies someone with lots of time to waste bothered to hide all over the globe; when suddenly an attack from above occurred quickly killing them both without knowing what happened or them deserving any of it. Croft then walked around the corner discovering someone had laid camp here, or perhaps it belonged to the tigers; anyway the unspecified objects burning there resembled feces. «Turds on a fire…? What degenerate would eat that?»
Lara just made her way around that, now facing a door resembling the one in the movie. She didn't have time to zone out in contemplation like she would usually do since she got fired at first. Some man appeared out of nowhere and jumped on her; she hurled his ass towards the door then pointed her guns at the man's face, «Is that your way of committing suicide?»
«No working for BarfFolly does the job. », he pointed a pixel hand at her which looked like a stump with a glove on, « Somehow, you don't behave like you've got monk's blood; somehow I can't figure that out right away just by knowing women aren't allowed in such roles.»
« Somehow I suppose years of being stuck here waiting for this moment took a toll on your brains.»
«Tempted to say 'yes' but no I've always been this unobservant.»
She cocked her guns, «Speaking of temptation: move aside my fingers are itching.»
«I've been waiting for this moment to arrive!»
«Being shot?»
The man suddenly shoved his face against the red wood, «No, the day this door would open! I've been camping out here for years, I sure could use a nice meal right about now instead of snaking on dried-up insects for the rest of my life… and other stuff.»
Croft grimaced thinking about the feces being cooked, «Maybe that explains how messed up your skin looks.»
Done with lovingly rubbing his cheek on the wooden surface, the devoted man moved away pausing his crazy eyes on her again, «Speaking of which, you ever tasted one of these?» He took out a ball of gooey insects from inside his mouth.
«I'll pass, now shall we move on I haven't got all damn day.»
He shoved it back inside, «So as I was saying, I've been waiting to open these doors, for the right one to arrive, the day the dagger will own the heart of those who believe!»
«…I hope for said individual this implies a metaphor.»
« So unless you pledge your loyalty as well… and offer all your savings as donation.»
With his stump, he reached inside his chest then took out a flask from his left nipple, when Croft suddenly shot him in both eyes simultaneously; the time allowed had elapsed. Then she went to his laptop bringing it far away from the fire before checking her emails, nothing but junk mails asking if she wanted to enlarge her penis. She frowned glancing to the side, before standing up.
Lara then went back to the corpse and took a swig from the flask only to spit it out, «Gatorade! Atrocious abomination!» She threw it at the dead man's face and pushed the door open, it was pitch black beyond but she stepped in nonetheless before falling over something and fracturing a rib; Lara Croft fears nothing, not even ridicule.
That somehow sent her into Venice where she found herself sliding down a slope; she'd also be introduced to BarfFolly's men here lovingly named the Fiamma Nera, Latin for Black Flame. Although black flames tend not to illuminate too much, so I suppose this is intended as a symbol for their lack of intellectual brightness….
But for starters Lara got welcomed by a famished Doberman whose face she exploded with a shotgun shell; learn who the master is. She then apparently had entered the kingdom of annoying birds because they were endlessly singing all around although invisible. Croft unloaded her frustration into the enemies there and had tons of fun jumping through windows, exploding the solid glass with her even-more-solid knee. She eventually stole a boat, jumping in it from a dock thus looking amazing then found herself in some watered areas.
When she exited the boat rats welcomed her for the nutritious blood she might selflessly provide, but they were all shot into bloody chunks; she picked up the leftovers and carefully aligned them on a stick in order to roast the delicious parts later. Then she got more fun with the boat including driving through tiny ones obliterating and watching them sink, also sending it into sea mines and jumping off in time to witness the fireworks. It also triggered classical music from ever-invisible speakers. After exploding that first boat Lara got shot through water, so she swam to the surface then used her wet pistols to return fire at the man while screaming, «Listen to the music! » Now that he was dead he couldn't but she still shot him because he really deserved it. A certain dark-haired psychic commander would greatly agree with that before feasting on the man's corpse.
Our spirited adventurer randomly went around the place killing everyone in sight and stealing keys, nothing new there, getting extremely irked by the damn birds that wouldn't shut up. She even fired once in the sky at random but it didn't scare them as they were feisty creatures. But they would pay though, one way or another, somehow; she vowed that to her eardrums as she pushed another cartridge in the barrel. Lara killed another man and got a steel key naming it Superman's key for the 'man of steel', she then used it right away at the door next to the man's corpse; so much for secrecy and tight security. It gave into a small space where she had to pull one of so many levers in a sea of levers that in turn unlocked another door in a world full of doors to open. She'd need a vacation after this.
She ran back to another boat and looked down from the small bridge before stepping over the edge. She somehow missed the seats due to an undetectable barrier of some kind which pushed her in the water instead. Now cursing in the water that it would have looked so damn professional if not for the invisible wall, she was swimming back up when suddenly she passed right through the boat's floor thus found herself seated. She glanced around perplexed, «Good. Alright. That's perfectly normal.», started the engine and went on.
Fucking the place up with the boat some more she entered a flooded area with walls made of wooden ladders for some reason, above her head she heard something like a dog panting. Ascending towards an opening she caught sight of a Doberman, but it was rather a man holding an aluminum bat that panted so. She shot him in the face right away then finished ascending before switching for her Grenade Launcher while the canine stood up, aimed at it saying, «Oohh, fluffy!» blowing the Doberman up, its dark and orange particles revolving ever so comically in the room before disappearing. She liked doing that, so she started singing «Too bad fluffy diiied, it's too bad fluffy had to die! Because he looked fluffy.», saying that she let herself drop to the floor below, exploding a guard there on her way down into the water. Like a pro. Besides he'd been running in circles on that small wooden ledge, as if lost and overwhelmingly traumatized to be surrounded by evil water because not knowing how to swim; favor done. She then swam to the boat driving it again, «Fluuufyyyy, you'll be miiissed!»
Croft jumped off again at another platform, used the iron key which she named 'Iron Man's key' despite not liking the prick, opening a new door leading to a fresh kill. As the man's body parts revolved around her she said, «Unlike fluffy, you won't be missed.» Then followed more killings and lever-pulling that led to a race against time to cross that door previously-guarded by sea mines. In order to do that she drove the boat off the water to mount over a slope, and then shattered more windows before coming right through from the other side like a badass landing back on water before using that shortcut she had so cleverly made.
Reaching the door in time the level thus loaded, afterward Lara was seen as if she had just dropped from the ceiling landing in the boat. She pretended this weird event did not occur and crossed the gate whistling, then proceeded to kill more rats with her harpoon gun. Even more Fiamma Nera suffered that fate as she continued pulling the trigger even after their slow painful deaths had occurred. All you could hear then were the labored breathings of the victims along with the constant soft 'tchick tchick tchick!' from the gun. Hilarious. She then snapped, «Shut up birds!», before continuing with her exploration, so dauntlessly jumping through additional windows consequently cutting herself but still not giving a damn about potential infections. Disease does not scare the beast that Croft is, unlike LardsOn's face which gave her nightmares for months after her previous adventure; although his features are truly similar to an illness….. Lara felt vomit come up so she focused on prettier images, like his corpse finally shot dead and falling into that lava pool. Good times.
At her right here was a corridor with some shitty means of security in the form of statues holding swords, they activated once she got closer by ramming the swords down and back up again. She looked at the first one, its face bearing a sad expression, «Why are you upset?», she asked genuinely, then walking away, «It's okay, with a face like that; I'd be upset too.» With more acrobatics worthy of a suicidal individual, she got into another building where she suddenly got savagely mauled by a dog. Clearly the canine really wanted her dead so it could chow down at her corpse afterward. Lara got forced into a corner where the Doberman kept biting at her legs endlessly, until she finally was able to jump backward shooting the animal in the ass before landing on her feet. She stared at its obliterated rear, «Fuck's sake doggy. That was intense.» , perhaps it had tried to avenge dear Fluffy.
Croft then went to support herself on the handrail outside as her legs bled profusely, but as soon as she put a hand forward she passed right through the fence, now falling down into the water below. She immerged blinking and looking above; unaware she had skipped another deadly encounter with wall-mounted blades and flames from hell some psycho had built in a secret passage through a chimney, before dying by his rubbish contraption. Also looking above like that, the cadaver of one of them scum was visible through the floor, «I can see your corpse from heeere!» He did not respond so her expression darkened, «Rude prick…»
That's when her adventure into enemy territory made her visit a grand library of sort, she would have loved to take the time to read if only she wasn't constantly shot at, and if not for the books being glued together and stuck on the shelves. What kind of sordid design was this anyway where she had to jump through windows in order to reach her next destination from lack of proper doors? How the men patrolling around here did manage this then? That wasn't really stealthy at all, was it. She also had to jump from chandeliers to others in order to activate mechanisms in this place; employees really must enjoy this. She vented her annoyance on some poor rats and blew up an entire building, there.
One of BarfFolly's men was taking a nap on a nearby balcony when the detonation occurred. Jumped on his feet, shaking his head he said, «Holy hell on fire! I told them fools to stop fiddling around with the damn gas; but nooooo, damn hot-dogs are apparently far more important than safety measures!» Then he caught sight of all the damage and his team mates laying dead everywhere. «…Well fuck me from all angles.»
Perhaps he was better off being here after all, maybe some virus broke out and they all went mad; decimating each other and fighting over the hot-dogs: moreover, in their madness, confusing the food with the real dogs patrolling around. Yeah, that was the only plausible, logical explanation. He sat down and wept: nothing, nothing could be worse than this…being left stranded on a balcony with no food left.
Oh, cruel, sad world.
Author Note: for those interested, I have humorous videos of TRII/TRIII on You Tube, about many other games as well plus music videos. They're about me playing and saying stupid comments similar to in my parodies, so hopefully some of you might enjoy my peculiar sense of humor. Since Fan Fiction doesn't allow me to copy the link, then just paste the following on the You Tube page;
1- Hellish Chinese Wall (Joking) TRII
De Void is the name, browse through my channel.