TOMB RIDER Won
(Tomb Raider I)
More than Qualified
This story is about the most formidable adventurer you've yet to meet; one solid individual who does not even eat danger for breakfast because she's even much more of a bad ass than this, since she actually eats nothing at all but still kicks asses. A tough woman who fears nothing, except for the dangerous lethal and annoying farts of her butler; therefore occasionally cracks his cranium open with her fists due to such senile behavior. This is the Tomb Rider, the supreme archeologist and collection-o-logist…. if that word existed. With ovaries of steel and spiky breasts thanks to the PS1 console but it's fine since she can actually use those as a sharp weapon.
Meet Lara Croft, or Laura Cruze if the producers had not changed her name figuring that it would be too hard to pronounce, in some way. Follow the dual pistol wielding female of an entire generation throughout her mad, awesome, mind blowing and deadly suicidal adventures….. in just a while. Because right now she's in her gigantic manor wearing a shitty outfit, talking to herself out loud to some invisible person all while staring outside without blinking.
«…Well this is rather unusual, it's as if each window gives into a large square painting somehow. Looks like I'm stuck inside this mansion. », then she brusquely turned around saying «Welcome to my home! I'll take you on a guided tour. »
The woman exited the reading area and ended in the music room equipped with a piano plus a harp made of gold, when she arrived in its middle that's when a voice from speakers ordered «Let's do some weird useless gymnastics on this blue padded floor. ». It was actually a pre-recorded message of herself, Lara groaned before yelling «DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! », then grabbed the harp before throwing it against a wall where it magnificently exploded. Then her eyes leveled to the paintings on the walls realizing that some were the very same, since her senile butler had chosen some of them then it was no wonder he had lost track of what he was doing. «Might as well add this to the list of things that needs to be burned then buried deep, deep below ground. », a certain old man was on said list.
Next she ran to the main hall and jumped above the handrail to the floor below, thus landing on one of the crates that were encumbering the majority of the space. It's as though she had just moved in but there was a darker story behind it all, again she talked to herself, «Sorry about that mess but the delivery people haven't been in yet. », truth is aforementioned individuals had all died of heart attacks while doing this excruciating job since she had so much of furniture, artifact and military equipments of all sort. Croft had not bothered to be alarmed; she simply had dragged their cadavers in the basement and tossed them in a pit where piranhas were delighted to finish the job.
After getting shards in her bare feet from messing atop the crates, she ran to a larger room which contained many wooden blocks of different shapes and sizes; it served as an exercising room in order to prepare herself for all the peril that awaited her in her mad ventures. Another pre-recorded message was triggered then in which she advised herself on how to move accordingly so as to avoid breaking legs or neck. «If a jump is too far for me; I can die. », she ignored that and continued on to the indoor pool. Executing a simple jump she thus anticipated the refreshing touch of water; except she broke her legs plus her spinal column. Turns out Winston had forgotten to refill the pool after scrubbing it clean for two days straight…. or had it been intentional? Either way she really should have listened to herself a second ago.
The pissed off woman popped a notepad out of her buttocks and added that to the list of things he did wrong. There would be a seriously long, painful and brutal payback; though very entertaining for her. Well in the meantime she was just stuck there, yelling for the decrepit servant to bring her some health packs; sadly she'd remain there for an entire day thanks to Winston sleeping on the job and being semi-deaf due to old age.
Afterwards she remembered one slight detail involving having forgotten she had trapped him in the freezer a week ago. She blinked in horror, «….Bullocks… », before she dragged herself to the edge where she was able to ascend by repeatedly shoving her fists in the pool's ceramic, until she eventually arrived up to the second floor to her bedroom where she was finally able to heal her injuries. And it was about time because necrosis had started to settle in.
Well what do you know; even at home the danger is always part of the excitement.
It also involves collateral damage as well similar to in her journeys; Winston would know.
Alright then! Time for the fatal fucking adventures to begin! Croft flew her jet to some hotel, now she's sitting on a couch as she's meeting a client. A blond man approaches holding a certain magazine showing an armed female standing before a mountain of dead beasts, the title reads "Woman kills an entire Big Foot civilization with her mad skills!". Unfortunately for us, the blond man gets out of darkness so we see his hideous face:
«Wha kinda crap ah man must do 'n order ta get da kind o' attention from ya? »
A spasm ran on Lara's upper lip, «Well right now you seem to be doing fine which means I'm itching to shoot you in the face. »
The monkey- err man, lifted his hands; «waoh…. truth is it ain't me da want yer. »
«I could take good news like that anytime. »
«NAOH! Miss Natla does, ya know from Natla Techn….Technaol….orgies…..fuck it. »
«…Never heard of them. »
«Well ya know, she all brat 'n beautiful…. »
A voice was heard coming from the laptop that was resting on the table, «Take your dick in your own hand and shove it up your ass LardsOn; preferably somewhere else other than here. »
«Will do ma'am…will do. »
We then get introduced to his boss which by his standard is supposed to be beautiful; not only has he proven so far that he needs a functional brain but now we also know he needs thick glasses as for Natla is one ugly blond woman, plus a lying manipulative backstabbing bitch at that. So in fact both dumbasses are of the same species.
His boss lifts her arms in the air as cash falls from the ceiling, «Feast your eyes on this Luara, how does that make your stomach, or wallet, rumble? »
«It's Lara. And you must be projecting: I on the other hand only play for sport. » Croft got up and was about leaving just like that, she had little patience for low IQs.
Natla shoved her face on the screen and that made an amusing sound, «Wait! I got ice cream, is that what you want ice cream!? »
«... Sorry, what? »
«Well damn it usually works with LardsOn…. »
«Do I look like a retarded blond monkey? »
«….I uhhhh», the screen depicted a different scenery now, «Look at these snowy mountains they've got to chill you down a bit, that's what you like, right? Smelly tombs and mummies and wolf hungry for your tender flesh plus elaborated deadly traps wherever you set foot? Well I've got it all right here, you could die during it all but I am asking you to recover this little trinket. »
A suppository device was shown on screen. Croft lifted a brow so high it almost got lost at the back of her head, «…..excuse me? »
«WOOPS wrong footage, crap, literally….. okay here, THIS thing. » An intricate artifact was shown revolving on screen, but it was actually Natla moving it with her hand to make it appear more mystical: well it only made her look even dumber.
Lara stared for a couple of seconds, «….what are you doing? ». Natla abruptly stopped and noisily swallowed, Croft sighed before saying, «Why don't you go, afraid to break a nail? »
«No I have claws. You could leave tomorrow, are you busy tomorrow? »
«Yes. »
«Good then, I'll be awaiting the artifact tomorrow, sharp. »
Communication was promptly cut off so Croft shot the laptop and left, making sure to avoid the uneducated animal on her way out. Stupid morons had no idea who they tried to fuck with. Unfortunately, artifacts for Lara are similar to what drugs are for a junky, or McDonalds for junkies; so the SeeOn had tickled her interest. So despite being bloody pissed by the two blond retards she decided she'd have it for herself.
Croft hired a random Inuit guy so he'd show the way, and since they were to travel to some deadly harsh cold environment with icy wind, Lara decided to ''wrap herself'' in some sort of cloth that barely covered anything at all over her tank top and shorts. So after ascending a mountain for days, mainly because the so-called guide didn't know where he was going, they eventually faced some huge doors set in the face of the mountain. The man seemed extremely relieved to have found the entrance since he had no idea there was one in the first place when they started this foolish undertaking. But it was almost worth having lost his feet to cold temperature because that woman had said she'd give him 40$ if he helped her, that's more than he does in a whole year at his shit job. Hence standing on his stumps, he watched our delusional adventurer swing the rope over her head so the hook could grab unto a ledge above the doors.
Croft ascended then began pushing the forms that were carved there; the guide was looking at her wondering what the hell she was hoping to accomplish by randomly touching those since they were just drawings. He finally walked towards the door and pushed it open; was about calling to her when yellow eyes became visible through the darkness beyond. That's when a pack of wolves jumped at his throat instantly killing him, snacking on the poor guy painting the snow red. Lara assumed the doors being opened were her doing so she congratulated herself, then ultimately noticed the peculiar scene happening below before letting go of the rope; meanwhile the drape she had been wearing suddenly caught on fire to show how badass she was.
The wolves were glad to have another pray but fun was short lived as bullets decimated the lot of them, and as they died quickly their organs inexplicably exploded out of their bodies. Croft stared and frowned in wondering but then decided that maybe it's how wolves around here dies. She looked over to where the man had been, realizing there was nothing left of him but his nose to be remembered by. She thought to keep it with her and send it to his family but recalled they had been killed by wolves when he was a kid. With no more regards to the lot of carcasses, Lara entered the cave. The doors closed behind her with a loud bang and when she tried to walk she realized her long hair was stuck in it; she had to cut the damn thing hence the short hair in-game. It's not because computerizing and animating that long strand of hair in-game was impossible back then with the technology they had, it's just because it got stuck in the door, there it's settled.
She eyed the wolves' paw prints in the snow; it occurred to her that one of them must have been drunk since a series of prints had formed a circle then zigzagged towards the door. Croft was venturing onward when she noticed an intricate device on each side of her, then her skin got punctured as it shot sharp arrows; no matter, not like this was absolutely painful or was about to prevent her from reaching her goal. Certain objects and places were much weirder than others though, like the fact that when she would find certain items lying around a short tune would be triggered. Upon picking up a Metal Gear magazine, it was heard again. «….what was that….? »
Lara investigated but couldn't find any speakers; strange. If someone decided to wire some music in here the least they could have done is to integrate something worth hearing. She jumped over ledges until she got attacked by bats, picking up her shotgun from her tiny backpack she blasted them all to pieces. She'd soon realize that the bats in here were smart enough to deploy many ambushes like these; some would even wait for her back to be turned before attacking.
Making her way through the cavern she soon encountered more wolves, standing atop a stony edge she aimed her pistols at them as they slept below. However the smell of food made the animals stand and run her way, they also enigmatically growled like retarded animals. After a while she got tired of watching them run in circles like imbecilic creatures so she shot the first one which died whimpering. Next she aimed at the second, pulled the trigger but kept riddling its body with ammo even though it was dead, dropped off the ledge whilst still firing plus kept doing this for an awfully long time afterwards. When she was done there was nothing left of the poor wolf and the bullets had dug a crater in the ground; didn't even need to bother about reloading.
In that smelly pit she found a sort of human mummy wrapped in yellowish dried skin; the way the skeletal hands held the screaming skull said much to how horrifyingly long and boring this death must have been. It also oddly stared her way no matter where she stood, which made her obliterate the remains with several bullets. Next she jumped over to a small suspended bridge and hit her forehead on it, «…I'm not going to put that in my magazine. », she scaled on top then ran towards another pit. Croft looked down at the bear that seemed to be trapped below plus probably starving, it kept running in circle and soon the pitiable sight bored her so she shot it as well. When the beast died it let out a long moan as if full of regret, that or it was relieved to finally be put out of its misery.
Looking to her left she noticed that some magic purple crystal was just floating there, frowning and not even daring to blast it to pieces, she made her way around before jumping the gap. In the next area she got surprised by a fast-paced aggressive song clearly meant to put her on the edge; however she didn't care and kept staring as two additional wolves ran her way. Apparently it was the revenge of the wolves and perhaps that was the title song. They leaped at her trying to chew her face off but failed miserably only to be running in circle around her; plus while they did this they sometimes went invisible thanks to a glitch. «Hmm, quite abnormal. », and she swiftly blasted them to bloody chunks.
She kept investigating further, always been assaulted by many hungry wolves, cunning bats plus another bear. It took a bite of her arm before she shot it in the face, «Just die already, you know it's your only purpose so do it! »
Whenever Lara had to swim through water it made a funny sound as bubbles seemed to come out of her very arse, she thought that was a strange noise for water to make as she almost drowned while messing around with levers. Truth is those were useless since they had been solely built to trick morons into thinking they had a function, only so that said-imbeciles would drown. Well she did survive that because bubbles propelled her forward faster than common humans, so Lara lived on to realize that others did not as she stared at some unspecified dried skin stretched and attached to some wooden structure. «…poor bloke… » As she continued on she was often welcomed by creepy tunes that came out of nowhere, found similarly eerie artifact and keys bigger than her head plus thin floorings that were floating in the air. She also pushed heavy blocks with her bare forehead that someone had bothered to place in the way because why the fuck not.
Eventually she even faced creatures that had been known to be extinct, but we all know it's just a big lie thanks to Jurassic Park. So Croft ended face to face with two dinosaurs that looked like Velociraptors, hard to say exactly as they clawed her skin open and tried to bite her head off. Nothing to it though since she obliterated them as efficiently, once dead she located two human skeletons nearby, «Didn't go well for you and your partner here, huh. »
As if she gave a damn.
Running ahead she soon stopped in her track however when the ground began shaking, heralding that something far more entertaining was coming her way. Seeing the Tyrannosaurus-Rex she almost pissed herself….. from joy. «Incoming T-Rex!», smiling, she then played along with the massive threat until many shotgun shells later she finally knocked it down; also broke every bones in her body since it fell on her. Well that's what health packs are for, Croft then proceeded to take pictures before continuing onward.
Lara found some cogs lying around but didn't bother with that, she's the fucking Tomb Rider therefore doesn't require help to advance. She magically shimmies across waterfalls with her bare fingers floating through the stream, plus dismisses all the ammunition she discovers; not mentioning those unspecified crystals floating about that she doesn't use…. so she certainly don't need rusty pieces of some machinery illogically located in some random stone wall. It was a different matter for all the skeletons she came across though but who cares.
Soon enough she discovered a temple, the sanctuary of the SeeOn. There she dodged a boulder, outwitted spike-traps concealed in the floor, decimated more wolves and Velociraptors plus solved shitty puzzles in order to pull more levers. She also encountered another one of those skeleton wrapped in flesh which she also shot to hell with a swift blow of the shotgun. Something about the boulder didn't make sense though, after nearly being killed by it she ran back up the slope and stared above from where it had came from. «…..I really wonder how someone managed to push that heavy thing up there, and then managed not to get killed by it thanks to physics. Perhaps the rocks are predisposed to only kill intruders….. »
Then she found it, the artifact resting on top of some pedestal; she also was stared at by two mummies and an additional skeleton. Fine, they could bear witness to her grandiose achievement. She glanced back at the one seated on its throne, «You don't mind if I take this, do you. », before grabbing the object. Then the temple which looked in good condition earlier inexplicably started to fall apart around her. Lara ran towards the exit while avoiding being buried under rubbles who fiercely wanted her dead, unfortunately when exiting she got reunited with the dumb cowboy that had been waiting for her to do the entire job. He tried to kill her with his silly golden handgun but failed; because that's what failures do. Suffice to say she felt nauseated having to deal with blonde-moron once more. Croft held him at gunpoint, «Well you've got my total attention now idiot, I'm not sure I've got use though. »
Again at his sight she tried not to vomit, on the other hand cowboy was busy crying over his bloody arm so she swiftly bashed her gun on his head, «Hello? »
He cried out, «Ah fergot mah script! »
«So you're saying this is just a waste of my time again? »
«Naoh wai-! »
She kicked him in the face, shot a couple of rounds at him then proceeded to dump his corpse into the water. «Fucking imbecile. »
Staring at the body as it lapped about in there, then sank; she genuinely felt sorry for the liquid….this was yet-fresh, untainted-water from human filthiness but she just had to contaminate it with this thing.
«…damn it….! »
Author Note:
Compared to parodies on Resident Evil and F.E.A.R., there's hardly any dialogues/encounters with others in a TR game, or much happening at all, which makes it that much harder to make it funny. With the other games it flew freely and I barely had any trouble coming up with ideas, had a tremendously great times writing those. TR ones are different hence they're shorter, harder to fill in the blanks in between the jokes that came to mind at the time which spurred the need to write TR parodies in the first place.
Plus, I usually play with every word I can, names for example, like every (game) title I twist around. But most of the time I can't (or refrain myself to) since I often play with both English and French, being aware that only bilingual individuals will get the reference.
For instance I could have called Natla, 'NotLà', for 'NotThere'.
Could have called Larson, 'LiarSon', for Liar's son, but thought it wasn't that good.
Could have played further with Lara Croft, 'LaRat Craft', for 'TheRat'. ('La' being the feminine form of 'the' for a 'female rat'.)
With Pierre, I could have written, 'PisHier', for 'SoYesterday'; but PisHier really can't be read in English, nor nearly sound as Pierre sounds in both languages.
Such a shame.