TOMB RIDER Tree, Add Ventures of LC
(Tomb Raider III, Adventures of LC)
NOT Voodoo
A camera pans about a great Manor, showing off everything and zooming on a window; getting too close and ramming in it hard. That quickly ended the opening cut scene. Now we see Lara Croft in her dark-red and black camouflage pants plus black tank top shooting at target practice in her extremely huge backyard. One of the unfortunate targets is her old fart servant, WinsTon; and the only thing he wins is tons of pain.
Presently he's trying to save his own life by shielding his face with a silver plateau; well too bad he has to hold that plateau with something thus some of his fingers got shot. A disturbing howling of pain is heard on the property but unfortunately for him, Miss Croft is the only one available for help. The rather indifferent woman assures him she'll get the medicinal box right away then runs inside the Manor, but mid-way a report shown on TV catches her interest. It is said that some company researches four mystical crystalline artifacts that have been created by a meteorite crash years ago; they look awesome and of course grants their wearer with astonishing powers. She's got to get her hands on these babies at all costs! Moreover also preventing Albert Wesker from getting them for himself so he can become a God; or any other individuals with a God-complex. So that means forgetting the dying butler and leaving right away for blood-pumping adventures.
Meanwhile, in some isolated backyard, a certain face is dipped in hot sand; a body is riddled with spasms of pain while tears and blood flows. Poor, poor farting WinsTon. Well don't you worry, Miss Croft will get back soon enough as for she's the goddamn Terminator of Tomb Riders…..doesn't mean you'll be able to save your missing fingers though. You weren't putting them to use anyway knowing that the meals you prepared were seldom edible…but I bet this little incident won't improve your cooking skills.
Though that's far from being any of your concern now, isn't it…..
Let us then begin with the intrepid adventure that'll make Croft sweat lots in some evil humid jungle, because if it isn't wicked then she has no interest in it. Starting with all of the available firearms in her inventory because she has beaten the game so many times she lost count, so the heavily armed woman grabbed her cherished Desert Eagle and slid down the very long slope ahead of her. Yet again sliding everywhere like that was bound to destroy her soles but no worry since she always carries over 100 replacement boots in her small backpack. On her way down was a big trunk above her head stuck horizontally in between two large stony walls, wondering how the hell this could possibly have happened, she jumped on it effortlessly only to be immediately assaulted by a tiny baboon. It had gray fur and a red face as if it'd been overindulging in alcohol; knowing how twisted this jungle is, it was probably true.
Hell it had not the slightest of chance though, doesn't know how to pick its fight does it. It produced its retarded monkey noise and rolled her way only to have its limbs severed by the blast of the powerful gun. Blood spilled upward like a nice fountain and Lara went to fetch its body, «One ration for the day ready. » She then executed a backward jump to continue her peaceful descend while admiring the luxuriant vegetation…. and deadly spikes protruding from the earth. For anyone else this would have appeared quite unusual but Croft was really used to such unconventional welcome so she merely jumped over the trap and kept going.
Now to her left stood a small horizontal ledge so she made her way to it with jumps, then laid a knee in some animal feces and stretched her right arm to grab the large medi pack there. Being the goddamn Tomb Rider III she was more than used to the sound of malevolent boulders by now, but she had not anticipated the item being jammed in dry soil therefore the rock rolled on her hand. Stuck in an awkward position, poor fingers crushed and her face against the rock, she then grabbed her firearm and shot her arm off. Nothing illogical, rats use this method as well since they gnaw at their own trapped limb in order to escape. «Well so much for the medi pack that I now seriously need. », no worry though since that was all part of her idea of sport.
Lara still descended the rest of the slope before jumping over a second row of spikes, as she did the blood flowing from her stump formed an arch as it followed her movement. A pretty sight. She arrived at a ledge and let herself fall down, her trained eyes immediately locking unto a small medi pack resting in the middle of the place as if it'd been waiting for her. She ran to it but so did another baboon, well its head exploded so the woman picked up the item thus her hand grew back somehow. I wouldn't know how since I've never used one of those myself, but it sure seems like one hell of a remedy. Or one concocted by some Umbrella scientist. If so then I'd fear the symptoms of some side effects in the next hours.
At some point Croft faced a river but the piranhas and skeletons floating about advised her not to venture in it. Wise fucking choice, although everything else she did afterwards was not. She located a different route where she had to pull a lever and avoid being punctured to death by spikes on a moving wall, however with all her agility and intellect she avoided the three year old trap and moved on. Next she used her very thin muscle-less arms to vault up an edge as if it was the easiest thing an individual with such scrawny arms could do. It seems to me that the producers still don't realize that a certain amount of muscles are required to perform any physical activities, but to hell with logic since it apparently was more imperative for their fictional character to look sexy rather than convincing. Can't be the Fucking Tomb Rider if she doesn't eat or grow muscles, but hey whatever huh; at least she got full lips, huge boobs, a very thin waist line and a small ass. Because that's important.
Lara groaned as she arose atop the ledge, «Fuck sake all that goddamn intense daily training for years in my numerous backyards and I still can't grow muscles! Seriously what the fucking hell?! » she wiped the perspiration off her forehead hence a cascade of sweat rushed at her feet, flooding her boots, «Hell, it's incredibly hot here. » She now faced a zip line and used it right away, not bothered to check whether the rope was rotten or not from all the humidity in the air. If it broke then she'd be mercilessly devoured by famished piranhas but I guess that didn't scare her either. Croft flew down and for a brief two seconds might have felt what it was like to fly like Superman, once arrived down she then tried to continue flying through the tree trunk that was there. Obviously she couldn't since solid surfaces are regularly impossible to pass through just like that. Unless you're Raziel and know how to dematerialize your body then almost anything is possible. So it only ended by her ramming her forehead on the solid wood. At least nobody saw that.
Lara jumped over another ledge facing her thus ended within the jungle; she also got attacked by a tiger because this was its territory and not hers. But to hell with those kinds of animal rules, when she's involved then the Alpha individual of any place is always the one with the firepower. One headshot sufficed to claim this terrain as her own, until another sneaky monkey showed up but got as effortlessly dealt with. She bent and grabbed the medi pack, «Why in Stinking Sweaty Buttocks do they seem to want those so damn much? », she sniffed it, «They don't even wear the smell of banana. », or perhaps they were just addict baboons…..
She pulled a lever avoiding yet another angry boulder merely by walking around it, contrary to an additional monkey that did not. Lara strolled peacefully towards the lake and dipped half her legs in the water; because of the ledge it was too shallow for any fish to come partying on her flesh. She stared at the pack of white fishes swimming around while eyeing her, being successful then into trolling the piranhas, «…. What? You don't want to taste these legs?» she grinned then one feisty piranha leaped out and bit her right nipple. «ArGhH! », she stumbled back while ripping the little fiend off her, savagely throwing it on the ground before proceeding to ram her heel down repeatedly until nothing was left. One lesson learned; don't troll the hungry piranhas. They don't take kindly to it. Actually don't make fun of anything that has equally sharp teeth.
Well, unless you're Lara Croft then you've got the superiority to still not care because you've got breasts of steel and firepower to back it up.
She ran back towards where the rock had claimed a casualty, now seeing that an additional next-victim was running towards a bundle of flares, she grabbed her bazooka and blew the little beast up everywhere. It also dropped a medi pack, «You really shouldn't steal from me, but it's not like you'll ever going to repeat that mistake now. » A nearby branch that had been set on fire from the exploding body parts now fell unto the flares, the chemical reaction was instantaneous and sparked in her face consequently setting her hair on fire. Nothing that medi pack couldn't fix, though she ran off since the surrounding was heating up quickly.
Deforestation, Lara Croft was here.
Crossing that previous gate she had opened which had prompted the aforementioned sinful rock, Lara found herself in a nice dome made of vegetation as a calm sexy song started playing. She slowly walked through it while admiring the pleasant relaxing view until a tiger popped around the corner to leap-bite her leg. Quickly returning the attention she grabbed it by the tail, pulled it back near her and shoved the end of her gun right in its anus then fired. Bit harsh, I agree, but highly sports like just the way she loves it. «Don't fuck with me.» She then resumed her tranquil stride through the foliage.
The path led to a bigger area similarly furnished in green but also with a bit of fog in the small crevice ahead, plus four beams of light filtering in between the trees. It was really beautiful and relaxing, «I really do wonder though where this music is coming from. », she easily avoided another cretin-trap giving on spikes and walked among the mist. Little did she know it wasn't fog but hallucinogenic spores produced by the mushrooms all around, but that doesn't matter; high or not Lara would finish this adventure. «Hmm, and it smells so nice, too. », breathing in more spores.
Next another gray fur ball rolled by, she let it come to her, and as soon as it was close enough she swiftly grabbed it then turned around only to toss it through the dark pit. It shrieked briefly as it slid down the spikes, said evil spikes then fed on its blood ravenously. «I'm all about peace and harmony. » Croft resumed her stress-free gait towards a big wooden obstacle, she got on all fours to fit in the gap underneath thus making her knees bleed, but she didn't feel the pain at all since the mushrooms helped. On the other side she found out that trees in this region gave out peculiar fruits, like gun ammunition. She walked on top of a conveniently placed dead trunk that lead to a green opening farther up ahead. Doing so an azure floating crystal disappeared within her when she walked through it; that was not due to the mushrooms. The peculiar sound it did while vanishing inside her made a tiger come running through the hole as if to get its magic gem back, but Lara blew it up in many orange nibbles. If she keeps this up she'll be responsible for annihilating this whole region of its animals; equivalent to her many past adventures anyway.
Well she encountered yet another goddamn primate who was basically interested in feeding off her, aside from collecting medicines they can't fucking use. She grabbed her grenade launcher and fired, the grenade bounced onward and into a stony corner as the annoying animal moved around at random as if possessed; until it executed a 160° thus meeting the grenade head on, blam!. «I truly enjoy these fireworks. », she smiled dreamily due to the toxins still in her system. Then she slowly walked among spikes to get down from that ledge, where she continued onward through a dense tropical forest leaping off the trajectory of four boulders as well.
«They'll never learn though…. can't kill a target if your own movement consists only of rolling into a straight line. They need to upgrade their tactics badly. Though instead of hiding in plain sight now they at least got the idea to conceal their massive form behind bushes, it's a start.»
Next she found herself into a temple where Shiva statues came to life, they had six arms and each held a golden sword; could have proven a formidable foe if not for the fact that its aim sucked. Lara just stood there as her enemy tried in vain to chop her into pieces, instead striking the air more than once while staring at her. She eventually shot its limbs off before perforating its throat with one of the scimitar, falling down turning back to a statue. So that means you better not be where it fell. If however she allowed it to kill her, because she sometimes likes to experience astral flights, it'd stand over her corpse while laughing but also sounding as if burping which was quite rude. Because there's only one being that can be utterly cruel plus offensive to them all and she's The Tomb Killer.
At some point Croft arrived in an area where green tents had been deployed, they were all also utterly empty. She wondered if monkeys were the cause of this when she heard voices with static coming from one.
«Find, what we need to find, to find...goddamn it I need to find my contact lenses! And Tony I know you're there, I keep hearing you over the radio giggling like a fucking bloody idiot!»
The one concerned walked out from one tent, «WOOHOO! Damn I like pizza pockets!» he then proceeded to pull on his blonde hair because he was evidently not insane.
Lara might have felt like asking him if he was alright, but instead opted for a safer approach so she pointed her devastating Desert Eagle at his head. The man didn't seem to care, perhaps he wouldn't be so relaxed if he knew who she was though….. and if he was aware of the considerable damage this kind of gun can create.
The dude landed on his knees and grabbed his head in dismay, «Would you all stop!? I might be just fine, just minus 17%, just GO!»
«….I haven't said anything, but now that I am in the process of doing just that; what are you talking about?»
«All you, hundreds of you farting and burping at the same time and breaking my balls! Plus who emptied my last cookie box!? That's bloody heartless knowing I had to kill a penniless villager to get it! »
She adopted a defensive stance, «Hm mh, well I'm not quite sure what drugs you're on but if you could calm down a minute I wouldn't feel so inclined to pull the trigger.»
He stood up while looking at her, «And why would I do that?»
«Because I have two pistols pointed at your head- wait when did my gun got changed for my pistols…..?»
«…ehh, blanks?»
Lara appeared irked, «Do I look like I'm fucking around?»
« Uhhhh…»
« Here you imbecile.» She shot him in the leg consequently his face hit the ground, also cruelly deepening his glasses in his eyes.
«GARGH SHIT!»
«Does it fucking feel like blanks to you? You better tell me about the Infather artifact in the temple up there. », the camera pointed out nothing in particular through the woods.
Tony scrubbed the mud off his forehead and tried to remove bits of broken glass from his eyes, «It's 'Infada'.»
«I'M the famous archeologist, not you.»
Then undid a med kit and ineptly rolled it around his face, all good. « Voodood and all huh?»
«It's spelled 'Voodoo', by the way it's not voodoo.»
«Make up your mind lady, anyway, I don't touch this stuff myself; and frankly I haven't touched myself in ages, sure could use that alone-time later.»
« Never mind freak; what were those voices back there?»
He nervously licked his lips, «You hear them too? The thing is I don't understand why it keeps asking me to 'kill everyone right now', I mean shit that's going to take me a while to accomplish…..!»
«I meant the ones from the radio.»
The man fixed his hair and coughed, «Tsh, Randy and Rorry.»
«Randy and Row….Rawr…Roarr…..them. Well, what are you doing here?»
«You're not my mother so why would I tell you that?»
Lara motioned to the pistols with her chin.
«They're staying put in that temple, eating the last bags of chips. I told them not to!»
«Surprisingly sensible coming from a demented man; exactly, staying in those temples is a really bad idea for imbeciles.»
«I don't care if they die I'm more concerned about the CHIPS! Me, I'm leaving, next bus out! Well, kayak…...»
He carelessly threw a bunch of expensive looking materials into a metal box, so much for science. A certain powerful AI computing underground a field of wheat would shed an oil tear at that.
«This jungle fucked enough with my head, with the mud and the, the goddamn mud! I am not kidding just a while back I swear I saw a fucking leprechaun, came out of the damn mire making fun of me with all his three eyes! Jumped in there and strangled him, I just had to! Can't wait to get outta here.»
He walked to a cliff before turning half around, «I'd offer the same advice to you but… nah I wouldn't else it'd imply I don't want you to die; speaking of which do you care if I said that you're gonna: ….die?», he grinned.
Her answer was to shoot him hence he fell down the cliff.
«Yeahhhh, diieeeeee-», hitting a rock on his way down, «OW SHIT! …Goddamn my leg BROKE!... », and once he collided with the soil disturbing noises were heard like several bones snapping, next he kept laughing and it echoed throughout the forest.
Lara then began walking towards the rest of the woods, really slowly, as if not bothered by the army of mosquitoes feeding on her at the time. We then heard new static over the radio:
« This place is huge! Randy where are you? I swear if you're still back there somewhere licking one of those sacred walls I am going t…..Randy? Is that your severed arm I just found…?...WOAH WHAT'S GOI-!»
Rituals….. they do that.
Author Note: for those interested, I have humorous videos of TRII/TRIII on You Tube, about many other games as well plus music videos. They're about me playing and saying stupid comments similar to in my parodies, so hopefully some of you might enjoy my peculiar sense of humor. Since Fan Fiction doesn't allow me to copy the link, then just paste the following on the You Tube page;
1- Evil Jungle (Joking) TRIII
De Void is the name, browse through my channel.