A/N- There are a lot of weddings out there on FanFiction, but instead of focusing on the fluffy-bunny moments, I decided to torture our dear Tortallan gang with what went wrong. Yes, this could be considered evil, but it's all for our sick amusement. Enjoy!

Disclaimer- -pokes name- I'm not Tamora Pierce, and never will be. The characters aren't mine.

Alanna/George Wedding

Right then and there, Alanna was ready to stab the monarch she has sworn her allegiance to. Well, he deserved it.

"And so," continued Jon, unaware of Alanna fingering the dagger in her sheath, "I believe the wedding will be held indoors, as the wind won't ruffle our hair. That would be catastrophic! Just think of it!"

Oh, I'm thinking of it, Alanna thought, drawing out the dagger. I'm really thinking.

Jon took another breath, ready to plow on with how the curtains will match Alanna's hair and nothing else, when the doors leading to Jon's study burst open. Thayet came in, proudly holding her prize by the ear: George.

"Nearly got away, lass," he told her. "But lovely Thayet here got me before I could make my escape."

"Escape!" laughed Thayet, prodding him with a finger. "You were in the mess, nursing an ale."

Alanna glared at George. "Why do you get to drink, when I have to suffer through this?" She jerked her head in the direction of Jon, who sat fingering his very lovely beard.

"Luck?" he tried, giving her a smile. She couldn't help it, and smiled back. The two became lost in each other's eyes, wanting only to be together for the rest of their lives-

"Well," said Thayet, putting George in a chair beside Alanna and drawing one up for herself, "where were we?"

"The curtains!" answered Jon enthusiastically, only half sarcastic. Alanna glanced longingly at her dagger and decided now would not be the best time. She scowled, sheathed it, and sorted out even more wedding plans.

"Gods," called Alanna, "give me strength. Today is the day I die and suffer a thousand deaths."

The Lioness decided that the Gods were either busy or laughing at her, as no one answered.

Thayet pulled even tighter on the lace strings linked to the waist of the wedding dress, making Alanna suck in her breath with a gasp.

"Thayet- Thayet!" she frantically called to her friend with a whisper. "Too tight!"

"Hmm?" called Thayet, pins in her mouth. "What was that?"

"Tight!" was all Alanna could manage before her lungs decided the pressure was too much.

Thayet leaned closer to Alanna's face, trying to decipher what she said. "Pardon?"

"She said it was too tight!" Buri, previously leaning against the wall trying to blend in, slashed at the laces with her throwing stars. Alanna doubled over, the breath rushing back to her lungs.

"What did you do that for?" asked Thayet, voice rising. "That's the way it's supposed to be! And look, you ruined the laces!"

"I couldn't breath, Thayet!" commented Alanna, standing straight. "Is that the way it's supposed to be?"

"Yes," she snapped, taking lace from a pouch on the drawer. "Today is the day you get married. Today is the first day with your husband. Today-"

"Today," came in Buri, "you lose your soul."

Alanna laughed, but Thayet whacked Buri with the pouch on her shoulder. "Don't encourage her!" the new queen said, nearly laughing. "Buri, can you start with the face paint? We're running behind schedule already."

Buri exchanged a look with Alanna, and they both understood immediately what each other wanted. Buri smirked while trotting over to the other side of the elaborately furnished dressing room to fetch the face paint, ready to make Thayet insane.

"Because no, you only wanted me and Buri to help you get ready, not the usual twelve!" rambled Thayet, pulling the new lace on Alanna's dress. "And then-"

Alanna tuned her out, only because Buri stood ready with the face paint. She gave Alanna a look of 'are you sure you want to do this?' Alanna nodded, barely containing her glee.

While Thayet worked with the dress, Buri started applying the face paint. Starting with the lip paint, she made sure her hand was not at all steady and went outside of the 'lines' of Alanna's lips. Next, she grabbed the 'eye shadow' and had it go everywhere. Literally, some landed on the Champion's forehead. The item Buri's hand clutched next was the blush, which was applied in copious amounts. Thayet, meanwhile, worked on making sure the dress fit in 'all the right places to make the men jealous'.

Dabbing other various paints, Buri spared nothing as she smeared Alanna's face with things she hadn't ever seen before. When she was done, she stepped back to admire her handiwork. Thayet, glancing upwards, shrieked.

Alanna looked like a mixture between a festival clown, a wench who worked the upstairs of inns and even a slight resemblance to a pig. Seeing Thayet's look of astonishment and dismay, Alanna and Buri broke out in hysterics.

"No!" Thayet, screeching away, dived for the nearest towel and began demolishing Buri's work. "We'll never get you ready in time!"

Alanna, still laughing, grabbed Thayet's hand. "Thayet," she told the queen, calming herself down. "Believe me, I'm not trying to make you go mad."

"I am!" called Buri, descending once again into whoops of mirth.

"Well, Buri's an idiot," Alanna told Thayet, not taking her eyes away. "I want to do this wedding. It's just, I'm- I'm nervous, all right? It helps me take a break from nerves."

The queen took her hand away from Alanna's. "I'll slow down the pace, is that fine? I'll tell Jon to have the ceremony an hour later."

The Lioness smiled slowly, realizing what her friend was doing. "Thanks, Thayet," she whispered.

"Can we do something stupid again?" asked Buri, already leaning on the wall again.

Alanna grinned widely. "First one to make Thayet scream wins."

Gods, thought Alanna, please, if you can't help me, just kill me. It'll be easier.

But when George grinned at her from up the aisle, all of her anger evaporated at an incredible speed.

"Why is everything so slow?" she whispered to Myles, leading her down the aisle.

"So I can have my last moments with you," Myles replied. Glancing at him, Alanna saw a tear in his eye, betraying him.

Not wanting to embarrass him, Alanna took in her surroundings: to her alas, the curtains were indeed a fiery red. They were in a special, spacious ceremony room used for different types of events; Alanna had previously heard in had been used as a banquet hall, a birthing room and a funeral parlor. Gold and silver adorned each of the fifty chairs, and the altar was decorated with stunning detail. A plump priest, with George on his left, awaited her.

She noticed with amusement that her side of the aisle had all of her friends gathered to watch with the twenty-five chairs being reserved for only the closest. After the Coronation incident, Jon didn't like having more than one hundred people gathered with both monarchs in presence. George's section, however, were so obviously members of the Rogue that she was mildly surprised the Lord Provost hadn't arrested them yet. A sleazy-looking woman winked at her, and Alanna gave a weak smile back. Her dress, mid-cut, still emphasized her figure, and she didn't like the feeling it gave her.

She arrived at the altar, where Myles kissed her on the cheek and sat in his chair in the front row. Slowly, Alanna walked to George's side and faced the priest.

"Today," said the priest in a voice so slow Alanna winced, "we…are… gathered… here to… witness… two… lives… intertwining together."

That sentence alone seemed to take five minutes, so she whispered to him, "Can you hurry up, please?"

The preacher seemed shock. "My… dear?" he whispered.

"My dear here was just sayin' how lovely a job you're doing," commented George, squeezing her arm and giving her patience.

The preacher coughed, then turned his face upwards. "The… joining… of two… lives… is… a wondrous… event. It… resembles… the unity-"

Alanna stopped listening, although she knew she shouldn't have. She loved the man who held her right now, and would go to the ends of the planet for him. But even George would have to admit he didn't want her to suffer through the dragging on of the preacher's voice.

The Lioness's mind strayed, how someone near the back was crying, and someone in the front row had a pesky cough. Finally, she could take no more.

"Please," she interrupted the preacher in the middle of his speech, "can you hurry? I would highly appreciate it. Sir," she added as an afterthought.

She could practically feel Jon and Thayet throw looks that could kill at her back; it hadn't exactly been a whisper.

"Excuse me," he whispered, then spoke up with, "Excuse…me? I…am a… son of Mithros! Does… this… mean you… do not… wish… to… marry this… man, and… instead… wallow in… your… impatience?"

"Sir, I am not impatient!" she proclaimed, feeling George grasping her arm tighter.

Buri, sitting on Thayet's right, whispered to the monarch, "Her wick has caught fire. Her temper's going to explode!"

Thayet didn't reply, knowing Buri was right.

"Are…you saying you don't think I love George?" she asked, voice rising to a status of yelling.

"Lass," mumbled George, "don't do anything stupid."

"That's what you're saying, isn't it?" Alanna calmly stated to the preacher, who was growing red. "That I don't love George enough to wait this ceremony out?"

The preacher turned progressively redder, until finally he resembled more apple than human.

"Yes!" he called, "that…is what I'm saying!"

So Alanna finally did what she did best. She punched the preacher squarely in the nose, heard the self-satisfying crunch, and grinned at George.

"I love you," she told him over the yells of the crowd and scraping of chairs as the preacher fell on his back. "But I just had to do that. I don't think Jon will be pleased, however."

"Don't worry," the former-Rogue told her. "A minute more and I'd have done the same."

They fell into each other's eyes, and kissed deeply.

Buri, standing next to the astonished Thayet, said simply, "Damn. That woman's got style."

A/N- This was supposed to be a lengthy oneshot, but if all of the pairings were this long it'd take forever to read. For thus reasons, I decided to split them up.

I haven't written the other pairings yet, as I wanted feedback. Good, bad, meant to be shredded? Please review!