Something like Loneliness
I always thought it would be him. That's what I had always thought. But fate has a funny way of coming into your life and turning things around, making them not what they were meant to be. Fate has a way of coming into your heart and breaking it down slowly, until it shatters and there's no more room to ever love again. If it was even love at all.
He was always with her. School, home, everywhere. Even now, they walk into the classroom together, yet they act like nothing is different from a few weeks ago. Was I the only one who saw how different things were? Was I the only one who noticed their kisses and hugs and hand holding and every other affectionate gesture that just made me feel sick inside? It sure felt like it. But what could I do? If fate had made its decision, then I cannot do anything about.
"Alright class! Find your seats so we can take roll."
Ms. Ochi began calling off names and marking off her attendance sheet.
"Arisawa."
"Present." I called back in reply.
She finished roll call and started the lesson for the day. But I could have cared less about the square root of x and other meaningless crap. My mind was elsewhere.
"Tatsuki! What do you have for lunch today?" Orihime asked excitedly as the two friends made their way onto the lawn.
"Same as yesterday. We don't have much variety at my house."
"Oh well I can share some of mine if you want! Oh that reminds me, at the store yesterday there was…"
My mind began to stray from Orihime's voice as I spotted Ichigo sitting across the lawn with his friends. He seemed to be trying to ignore something Kiego was saying.
"Anyway, I thought it was really strange. Tatsuki?"
"Huh? Oh sorry Orihime I kind of spaced out there. I guess I'm a little tired."
"Oh that's ok I'll tell you later. Rukia! Come join us!"
No. Not her. Don't get me wrong, I like Rukia. But ever since she and Ichigo have been going out, it's been… different. And today I felt the worst about it all. Not her. Not now. Please…
"Hi!" greeted Rukia as she sat down. Right next to me.
"Hey." I said back, to be nice.
"Rukia you have to hear about what happened to me at the store yesterday!" chirped Orihime as she went off on her story again. I should have listened, but I was so focused on Rukia. Ms. Fate changer. Ms. Ichigo is mine and not yours. Ms. I don't even know that I'm hurting you in the worst way possible. Ms…
"Tatsuki are you not listening again?" exclaimed Orihime.
"Oh I'm really sorry Orihime. I'm just a little off today."
"Is something wrong?" asked Rukia with an innocent voice.
Don't ask me that. Especially you.
"Yeah I'm just tired. There's no karate practice today so I think I'll just go straight home and take a nap or something."
Their faces seemed skeptical but I managed to focus on the conversation for the rest of the lunch break.
Time goes by so slow. The clock tempts you with its silly hands, inching by as slow as they can go. Then when they finally reach the point where the bell should ring, you remember it's ten minutes fast. Finally the bell released us from our class and I walked straight out of the classroom, not bothering to say good-bye to anyone.
I was walking really fast. I just wanted to get as far away from that school as possible. Then I rounded a corner and saw them. They were just walking along, holding hands and laughing in a really annoying way. I envied that. I tried to turn around and walk away but my feet carried me forward until they saw coming towards them.
Stop. Stop. Why are you doing this? Stop moving.
"Hey Tatsuki." Ichigo said. "Walking home?"
I could have replied. It could have been a normal conversation. But I just sat there. Looking at them. Somehow he got the message.
"Rukia, why don't you go on ahead? I'll catch up in a few minutes."
She gave him a puzzled look. "Alright. Don't be too long!" She smiled at him and started down the street.
"What's up?"
"Nothing. Just walking home."
"Tatsuki." His brown eyes were staring me down.
I hesitated.
"…You've changed." I answered.
"What? I'm not sure I'm following you."
"Everything's changed." I immediately regretted the words, but it felt good to say them. Not wanting to say more I averted my gaze away from his questioning eyes and began to walk away.
"Tatsuki! What do you mean?" He caught up to my fast-paced walk and turned me around. "Tell me."
"Why do you keep changing?"
"Changing, how?"
Almost unwillingly all my regrets and pain came pouring out, all at once.
"You're a soul reaper now! You have amazing powers and a huge sword with an insane amount of spirit energy along with it! You can do things that most people can only dream of! You can protect so many people and help the souls of people who are already gone, which is something I could never do!"
I paused for a breath and suddenly my rant went on a completely different course.
"Why won't you fight me anymore? You used to smile all the time but now you're completely attitude washed! Why? And you just keep growing taller and your face keeps changing and you just keep getting so much stronger than me which I hate because I used to be able to kick your ass all the time! We used to be such great friends! You called me Suki, and then one day you just… stopped."
He just stared. Obviously shocked, but he didn't say anything.
"And why did you choose her?"
There. That was it.
He stood there for a moment, taking it all in. But after a few minutes all he could manage to say was "Tatsuki…"
"I thought it was going to be you." I whispered, almost inaudibly.
"But I chose Rukia…" he said, finally understanding. "I…" he sighed.
I could see it in his face. The same pain I have felt ever since Rukia came to the human world.
"Ichigo I just… I really thought…"
He bent down to my height. So our eyes were level.
"I can't change my mind." He said softly. "You know I love her."
I closed my eyes, not wanting to hear it. But I knew it was true. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, slowly. He was suddenly much closer than I remembered.
There was a long pause. "Are you ok?" he asked.
"…" I couldn't answer that.
He locked his eyes with mine. I always liked his eyes. Deep brown. They were the only part about him that stayed the same all these years. To me, they were breathtaking.
His eyes lingered a moment longer. He placed his hands on my shoulders. They were so big compared to my own hands. And then he kissed me. It wasn't rough or hard or passionate or any other word that I originally would have used to describe Ichigo. It was soft. And sweet. And gentle. And nice. He pulled away. There was a long pause, I kept my eyes closed.
"I'm so sorry, Tatsuki." He whispered so quietly that it almost could have been the wind. Almost.
He took his hands away from my shoulders and slowly started to walk away. I opened my eyes. He was walking slowly, quietly, taking each step with care, with his head bowed down. Then he stopped, just for a brief second.
"I thought it was going to be you too."
And then he was gone.
I stood there, letting the crisp autumn wind flow through my hair. I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. It was something like sadness, what's it called? Something like loneliness… I guess. But I was ok. I turned around and started on my way home. Suddenly, I felt calm, relaxed. I didn't care where he was, or what he was doing with her, instead of me. The skies were clear, and it was turning out to be a beautiful autumn evening.