Armageddon
Disclaimer: Any resemblence the following holds toward actual people or events is completely coincidental.
Aww, hell, it was in the L.A. Times.
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BOY WONDER FACES ARMAGEDDON ONCE AGAIN (ST. MUNGO'S, December 27): Harry Potter, the wizard who, as an infant, managed to defeat one of the most powerful wizards in the history of the United Kingdom, has once again faced a challenge which eludes to the Muggle Biblical day of Armageddon, or the end of the world, writes Rita Skeeter, special correspondent. As many may recall, the now twenty-two year old savior of the wizarding world announced last year, the day after He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was killed, that he was in fact homosexual and living with his life partner, Draco Malfoy, the son of Lucius Malfoy, revealed to be You-Know-Who's right-hand man. Today, we at the Daily Prophet have learned that the pair had a most joyous Christmas—up until Malfoy lit a match.
We have been informed by Camillus Denuncio, president of St. Mungo's public relations department, at a discrete press conference early in the afternoon on Boxing Day, that both Potter and Malfoy were admitted into the Burns Unit at the hospital late Christmas night after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. Their story? We're sure you'll be just as shocked as we were.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake, but I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Malfoy told the many frantic and amused doctors and nurses in the unit, while receiving treatment. He told his story in a voice much higher than average, fists clenched, all the while biting his lip as the mediwizards attempted to restore his burned face. According to a nurse who had personally been on hand to hear the words coming out of Malfoy's mouth, the following is an accurate statement of what happened that night.
Allegedly, Malfoy had inserted a cardboard tube up Potter's rectum and had allowed a gerbil to crawl inside during a game most self-respecting wizards would never dream of, even in their wildest fantasies. After Potter called 'Armageddon!', his way of letting Malfoy know he had had enough, instead of crawling out of the tube as he always had before, the gerbil decided to remain up the tube. Malfoy looked inside the tube and then lit a match, thinking it would lure the rodent out from its placing. Instead, the match caught a pocket of intestinal gas, and flames shot out the tube, igniting Malfoy's hair and burning his face. The gerbil's fur and whiskers also caught fire and ignited another pocket of gas further up the intestines, propelling the gerbil out of the cardboard tube and hitting Malfoy in the nose, the force of which caused the bone to break.
Potter sustained third-degree burns in parts of his large intestines and anus, while Malfoy suffered from severe facial burns. The two are expected to recover completely, and while ashamed, Potter insisted on looking the nurse we interviewed directly in the eye and state, "I don't care what the rest of the wizarding world thinks. It was an accident, and Draco and I have both learned greatly from the experience."
As have we, Mr. Potter.
Until the next exploit between The Boy Who Lived and The Boy Who Burns, this is Rita Skeeter, special correspondent.
ARMAGEDDON!
Disclaimer: Any resemblence the following holds toward actual people or events is completely coincidental.
Aww, hell, it was in the L.A. Times.
---
BOY WONDER FACES ARMAGEDDON ONCE AGAIN (ST. MUNGO'S, December 27): Harry Potter, the wizard who, as an infant, managed to defeat one of the most powerful wizards in the history of the United Kingdom, has once again faced a challenge which eludes to the Muggle Biblical day of Armageddon, or the end of the world, writes Rita Skeeter, special correspondent. As many may recall, the now twenty-two year old savior of the wizarding world announced last year, the day after He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was killed, that he was in fact homosexual and living with his life partner, Draco Malfoy, the son of Lucius Malfoy, revealed to be You-Know-Who's right-hand man. Today, we at the Daily Prophet have learned that the pair had a most joyous Christmas—up until Malfoy lit a match.
We have been informed by Camillus Denuncio, president of St. Mungo's public relations department, at a discrete press conference early in the afternoon on Boxing Day, that both Potter and Malfoy were admitted into the Burns Unit at the hospital late Christmas night after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. Their story? We're sure you'll be just as shocked as we were.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake, but I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Malfoy told the many frantic and amused doctors and nurses in the unit, while receiving treatment. He told his story in a voice much higher than average, fists clenched, all the while biting his lip as the mediwizards attempted to restore his burned face. According to a nurse who had personally been on hand to hear the words coming out of Malfoy's mouth, the following is an accurate statement of what happened that night.
Allegedly, Malfoy had inserted a cardboard tube up Potter's rectum and had allowed a gerbil to crawl inside during a game most self-respecting wizards would never dream of, even in their wildest fantasies. After Potter called 'Armageddon!', his way of letting Malfoy know he had had enough, instead of crawling out of the tube as he always had before, the gerbil decided to remain up the tube. Malfoy looked inside the tube and then lit a match, thinking it would lure the rodent out from its placing. Instead, the match caught a pocket of intestinal gas, and flames shot out the tube, igniting Malfoy's hair and burning his face. The gerbil's fur and whiskers also caught fire and ignited another pocket of gas further up the intestines, propelling the gerbil out of the cardboard tube and hitting Malfoy in the nose, the force of which caused the bone to break.
Potter sustained third-degree burns in parts of his large intestines and anus, while Malfoy suffered from severe facial burns. The two are expected to recover completely, and while ashamed, Potter insisted on looking the nurse we interviewed directly in the eye and state, "I don't care what the rest of the wizarding world thinks. It was an accident, and Draco and I have both learned greatly from the experience."
As have we, Mr. Potter.
Until the next exploit between The Boy Who Lived and The Boy Who Burns, this is Rita Skeeter, special correspondent.
ARMAGEDDON!