I read in a book the other day, a book on fate, about how we can't control our life and basically everything that happens is part of some bigger picture. Now I Lexa Woods do not believe in fate.
Anya always told me people take comfort in it, knowing they can trust in something bigger; and if something bad happens … well that just the way its supposed to be.
That. Is. A. Lie.
Why would someone believe in fate, ill tell you why. Its an excuse, when something good happens you don't hear people talk about how it was destined. They talk about how THEY did it, themselves; they controlled the situation and brought about happiness, whether it be to themselves or someone else. But when things go wrong, how could it possibly be their fault? It's fate.
Like I said… biggest bullshit ever.
So now here I am, leather jacket on; cigarette for relaxation purposes and my black aviators ready to face yet another pointless day of school.
"Dude hurry the fuck up, or were gonna be late" I hear Raven rustle around making sure everything's in her bag.
"Listen, just because you're sleeping with Octavia does not mean that you have to become all goody two shoes; does it?" I state harsher than intended as we make our way through the pristine doors.
See that's the thing here, everything's pristine. Pristine windows, pristine walls, pristine people- always looking happy, always looking and acting immaculate. So as you can guess anything not deemed Pristine doesn't belong here.
I don't belong here.
"Look, can you just try to be nice… for me? We're sitting with Octavia and her friends today and I want to make a good impression" Raven whispers into my ear, what's this girl done to her? This isn't raven … my Raven likes to sleep around, my Raven doesn't act like this around girls. Although I have to secretly admit that they make a cute couple, Octavia; she's been good for raven since the accident.
But if you ever tell Octavia I like her, I. Will. Hunt. You. Down.
Don't get me wrong, I can be nice when I see a pretty girl, I can be charming, calm, cool, collected, sophisticated. I can be whatever you want me to be sunshine… the only thing I can't be is committed. Let's get one thing straight, Lexa Woods does not do feelings.
"If you think I'm sitting with that table of false shallow girls, you have another thing coming" I scoff, to be fair … in my defence they may as well be the plastics.
And if you don't know who the plastics are … well you need a proper education.
"Yes you are, and you will because you love me" She states as a matter of fact,
"You totally owe me Reys" I warn as we pull up to English, taking our seats at the back of the class- because let's face It the chances of me actually doing any work are slim.
And look who it is, Clarke Griffin.
Now, how anyone can be that optimistic is beyond me. She is probably the most annoying person I've ever come across, with her immaculate clothing and her constant smile. I mean seriously, does she never think fuck it I'm not in a good mood today.
"Ahh thank you Clarke" The teacher says as Clarke hands her the pristine piece of homework "now Lexa, where is your homework?" she looks over to me questioningly, realising Id been thinking about Clarke too long to notice everyone else had handed theirs in.
"I haven't done it" I suggest simply.
"And why not?"
"I prefer to speak the language of love, more than write about it… just ask Echo over there" I send a wink Echo's way as she blushes looking away.
"That may be so Miss Woods, but if you are going to progress and go to collage you need to start doing your work"
"Who says I want to go to collage?" I ask defensively, she has no right. How dare she question me and my life when she doesn't know me.
3 hours later
I swear I'm gonna kill myself. I thought school was supposed to teach you and prepare you for life… can you tell me at which point in my life I'm going to need fucking trigonometry, the only thing appealing to me about this day is going to be my chocolate milk that I get at lunch.
"Come on Reys, move it, I want to be done with my lunch and these people as soon as humanly possible if that's okay with you sweety" I speak in a sarcastic tone as we approach the table, I see Octavia immediately turn to give Raven the most innocent kiss known to man… scrap that PDA is disgusting I decide as I watch Raven pull her in to something that's, lets just say not innocent at all.
"They're cute aren't they?" A voice startles me as I turn to see Clarke Griffin sit next to me,
"Cute, isn't the word id use … sickening perhaps?" I mock back to her taking a sip of my chocolate milk.
She eyes me carefully before speaking again "aren't you a little old for chocolate milk?" she questions again,
"aren't you a little old to be so annoying?" I retort before getting up to go outside not even turning around to see Raven shouting me.
Finally, peace and quiet I think as I huddle next to my tree.
Yes, its my tree, well technically it isn't but I'm the only one who comes here so its mine. Closing my eyes, I feel like I can finally breathe, why is it whenever Clarke Griffin is in my presence my chest feels like It's going to explode? That stupid laugh, her smile, her questions, her voice, her pristine nature… they annoy me because I can't help but notice them. Notice her, she annoys me because she's all I think about.
See here's the thing I didn't tell you, I've known Clarke Griffin since elementary school. I've watched her grow from a small innocent hesitant girl, to the complete opposite. I've watched everything about her change, from her being small and chubby to taller and toned, I've watched her eyes go from sadness to hope; to light in the dark. I've noticed the way she is strong willed; I've noticed the way she always puts feelings first. It annoys me, she annoys me. She always has.
"Hey, look I'm sorry… we got off to the wrong start, I'm Clarke Griffin" A voice once again startles me as she lays down on the patch of grass next to me. I've never been this close to her before, I've never seen her eyes in this light… like beautiful blue crystals of sea which I'm already drowning in.
"I know who you are Clarke I'm not blind, and why are you apologising?" I ask harshly, why would she say sorry when its me that was being a bitch?
"I uh, I don't know I just … Octavia is my best friend and Raven is your best friend so I thought maybe we should be" She lets out in a quick hesitant breath.
"I don't think that's going to happen, miss pristine" I let out a dry laugh as I see a small touch of disappointment flicker across her eyes.
"why not?" She responds looking down from my eyes, I see her frown like she's in deep thought.
"Because your little miss pristine and I'm not, you are a cheerleader and I smoke. You drink cocktail's and I drink whiskey, you are annoying and I'm not". I realise I might have taken it too far when she stands up walking away looking genuinely offended.
Quickly she turns back round and I see a tear roll down from one of her eyes, before she starts making her way closer.
"You know what Lexa,y ou think I don't notice you. The sadness in your eyes, the way you flinch when someone gets close to you" she traces her finger up my collar before slamming me into the tree "you think I don't notice the way you let out small smiles when you see Octavia and Raven together, you think I don't notice the way you go out with different girls each week. And the thing is you say its because you don't do feelings, you say you don't care. But you do. You think its your fault that Anya died when you had that car accident, you think its your fault Raven's leg is paralysed. And it kills you on the inside because you blame yourself, so you don't let yourself feel because you're scared".
She gets so close that I can't breathe as I become defensive, she may be right… but she never has to know.
"You don't know anything about me!" I spit as I push harshly against her but she grabs my wrists too quick, pushing into me further locking me into place.
"Yes I do, I know you Lexa because I could be you. I had to watch my own dad bleed to death knowing there was nothing I could do when he got shot, so I know how you feel. But all he wanted was for me to be happy and that's what I'm doing, I moved on; I'm happy and my smiling, my kindness, my optimism… that annoys you but its how I cope; its how I live where as you … you push people away, you make yourself numb to the rest of the world and if you carry on- you'll end up alone". She whispers to me more like a plea, like she wants me to believe her, like she wants me to live.
"I was in control of the car, I killed her and I hurt Raven" I fight back, challenging her.
"Then it was me who killed my dad, because I was in control of saving him … that's what your saying?" She pulls back harshly, before she can I pull her back close to me; it wasn't her fault.
"It wasn't your fault Clarke, you couldn't have controlled that" I sooth pulling her into me as I feel more of her tears on my neck,
"Just like you didn't control the car that hit you, Lex you have to stop blaming yourself and hiding away from the world, you're too amazing to hide". She whispers against me and I wonder why she cares; no one ever cares… but she does.
"Its how I survive Clarke" I nudge into her as we slide back down as she sits on top of me I brush a piece of hair out her face.
Finally, she looks into my eyes and all I feel is warmth.
"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving" she speaks softly stroking my lip with her thumb and before I can even think about what I'm doing my lips are placed on hers and she's letting out a soft hum. As I go to pull back thinking what the fuck am I doing she pulls me in further tangling her fingers in my hair.
We kiss for what feels like forever before she pulls back, and just looking at her I melt.
"I've been wanting you to kiss me since elementary school" she whispers into my lips as I nudge her nose with mine,
"really?" I question.
"Mhm really Lex, I've always seen you, I just wanted you to see me"
"I've always seen you Clarke Griffin" I answer honestly as she rests her head on my shoulder.
This is why I try to keep my distance, this Is why I try to not care, but maybe I was stupid.
Stupid for believing I ever had control to begin with.
Stupid for thinking that I could run away from this.
Stupid for thinking fate doesn't exist.
Stupid for thinking Clarke isn't my fate.
And I think it's the best feeling I've ever felt.