The Chronicles of Larnia

The Dragon, the Ice Cube, and the Bathroom Cupboard

A long time ago, in the land of Narnia, the White Witch Jadis was defeated by Aslan at the Battle of Beruna. Her spirit left her cold lifeless body and wandered the worlds, having lost her purpose in life and there was no form not taken, until the year 2009, where she happened upon the world of Larnia. She quickly inhabited the nearest inanimate object, Unfortunately, she soon realized that said object was an ice cube sitting on the ground in the middle of summer. Acting quick upon grasping her predicament, she seized the Thermostat of Super Total Awesomeness, and changed the temperature to a comfortable -10〬C, plunging Larnia into eternal winter. She built herself a castle made entirely of ice, which the locals affectionately named "The Freezer", and proclaimed herself Empress of Larnia.

100 years passed, and Larnia was still in the midst of its perpetual frost when Jadis sensed a disturbance in the Force. She headed out of "The Freezer" with her trusty sleigh driver Nik in order to find out what "It" was, and nearly ran over "It" in the process. "It" was a lanky boy with shaggy ebony hair. He revealed that his name was Mortimer.

Any human in her country was dangerous, she determined. She decided to worm out as much information as possible from this so-called "Mortimer". She didn't have to do much. She used her charismatic personality and charming crystalline form to get through to him. He quickly provided her with all the information she needed. He had followed his older sister Anastasia through a bathroom cupboard. (Jadis had no idea what in the world a bathroom cupboard was, but she let the boy continue.) She had been going on endlessly about the magical forest she found in the bathroom cupboard, where she had meet a faun named Mumnus.

After obtaining a promise from Mortimer to bring his siblings to her if they ever returned to Larnia, she released him. She returned to "The Freezer" and had that fool of a faun Mumnus arrested. She orchestrated his trial and sentenced him to death by freezing, and his comrades to death by vaporization to set an example for the rest of her subjects. Around 98 years ago she had obtained the Marvelous Staff of Phase Changes. She could cause anything to freeze, melt, vaporize, or condense. Normally any of those is long and arduous, but her staff caused it to happen much faster than usual.

She continued to rule with an iron fist until Mortimer showed up her doorstep three weeks later. However, he had left Anastasia, Adrianna, and Bob back at the Platypuses, because there was no way they were coming to "The Freezer". Jadis sent him to the dungeon and sent the hyenas out to the Platypus residence. But they came back empty handed. Somehow the brats and furry creatures had escaped undetected. But Mortimer gave her what she needed. When she pointed her staff at him he quickly choked out, "The Platypuses said something about Ejderha!"

At this she ordered her sleigh to be made ready. They left later that afternoon. Her deer were the fastest in the world, but no matter how hard Nik pushed them, the children always managed to stay one step ahead of them.

Once her spies confirmed that Ejderha was, in fact, real, she began to create battle plans with her General Mauvais. It shouldn't be too hard to defeat the Larnians, or so she thought. But as she and Mauvais were planning their doom, the Larnians captured her prisoner. Mortimer was gone.

He was a traitor. Again. And so, Jadis had the right to execute him. She gathered the best entourage she could manage and set off to bully the Larnians into handing him over. But everywhere they went, they could not escape the fact. The Thermostat of Super Total Awesomeness must have been broken. Because everything was melting.

When they arrived at the Larnian's camp they were met with loud jeers and catcalls. Mortimer stared at the ground. Ahhh, Jadis would have fun killing this one. But Ejderha thought otherwise. They talked for what seemed forever, until Ejderha convinced her to let him take his place. She would have jumped for joy the moment he promised he would, but she had to keep up appearances, and act as if his death wouldn't help any but her.

When he arrived at the Plastic Table later that evening, she had to hold herself down, for fear of screeching with glee. Her minions bound him, and she plunged the Amazing Staff of Phase Changes, set to vaporize into his heavily breathing chest. And then… he died. She could barely contain her ecstaticess.

The next day did not go as planned. The Larnians were more formidable than expected, but that was no matter. They were nothing without Ejderha. Mwuhahahaha! And Larnia would be hers once more! And she could get rid of this blasted heat!

But she did not expect Mortimer to do something like that. He broke her Amazing Staff of Phase Changes. No one had ever dared touch the thing, and then he goes and breaks it! She should have killed him before. No matter, she just stabbed him with her ice sword.

Bob, however, was not happy with this recent development. He pulled out something, no wait, could it have been? Yes, it twas a flamethrower! There it was, ice against fire. The greatest battle between a flamethrower wielding twelve year old and ice sword brandishing ice cube/witch. They swung this way and that. Droplets of water fell off of Jadis. Being around this much heat was probably not the best thing right now.

And then the impossible happened.

Ejderha roared.

But that was impossible, right?

I mean, he was dead. She killed him with her own two hands!

But, apparently not.

So, Jadis the Ice Cube/Witch did the only thing possible in this sort of situation. She pulled a lightsaber and said in a deep voice, "Luke, I am your father!"

Perplexed, Bob turned around and said, "How is that even possible?"

She screamed in anguish, pushed him to the ground and was about to stab him with her lightsaber when Ejderha bounded across the plain and pounced on her. Flames poured from his gaping mouth and engulfed her. She could feel herself hit 0〬C. Liquid water poured out from her sides. The heat intensified. The temperature finally reached above 0. She was all liquid. However, she had finally reached the State of Equilibrium. The Radiation and Conduction from the flames pushed her temperature even higher, and she began to evaporate at a faster rate. And then it happened. She reached the boiling point. Her molecules broke apart, becoming a gas. Her spirit no longer had anything tangible to hold onto. She left… again.

Once again defeated by magical animal and four children. She decided to head off in search of something that couldn't melt. Luckily the position of Evil Overlord Sauron was available. Or maybe she could make a living as Darth Sidious. Hey, you never know.