Title: But Where's His Womb?
Author: LM Simpson (Kady the Red Panda)
Pairing(s): You'll see at the end
Rating: T
Warning(s): Slash, language, mpreg, a red panda that actually needs a beer for once
Disclaimer: Creators be hating or not, I don't own anything but this plot.
Other tidbits: I hate mpreg fics with a passion. So, why am I writing this? I don't know. You ask me.
(Oh, and it in this author's opinion that this fic works best while listening to Frankie Valli and the Four Season's "Big Girls Don't Cry.")
0000
"No! I'm not buying you that crap again! Nuh-uh! You're buying it yourself from now on, Mister!"
Terrence could care less than if peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and that smelly Korean stuff was all that his pregnant son could keep down. That spicy, smelly smell was bad enough when the family went to eat Korean barbeque once a month, but when it was all he could smell in his house for close to nine months he felt like ripping his hair out to the point of baldness.
Teddy sat on the couch in one of Johanna's old magenta floral Sunday dresses, ready to blubber up. He could still taste vomit in the back of his throat.
"Are you crazy? Look at me, Dad! My belly is bloated with a living thing and Lord knows what else, I have to wear flip flops all the time because my feet have grown too fat, and I'm wearing a dress! A freakin' dress! I'm not going outside even if you paid me!"
"But Teddy, I'm sick of buying you kimchi! I doubt that's the most nutritional thing, anyway!"
"Dad—I! Want! Kimchi!" Teddy whined like a two year old.
"Please calm down! You know your mother is taking a nap!..." He sighed. "Would you like something other than kimchi right now?"
"Yes! I want Zick!"
Zick. Okay. That was fine. Zick was better than kimchi any day. "Okay. I'll go telephone him…"
As Terrence began dialing the Zick clan's phone number, Teddy cried out: "Ask him if he can bring kimchi!"
0000
Terrence laid down on the couch, his feet propped over an arm. The television was off, as was most noise making things in his general proximity, because he knew with a baby on the way the household would not be this peaceful for awhile longer.
Of course he was surprised when the doctor at Bibbur-Si declared that Teddy was pregnant. Hell, everyone was. It wasn't every day that one heard of a biological male being with child, after all, especially if that biological male was your own son. He remembered being so shocked at hearing the Snyakutz doctor explain to his wife and him how male tamers used to be able to reproduce both sexually and asexually (depending on whether female tamers were present or not), but it was believed to have been suppressed in the current evolution. Teddy was evidently an exception to this rule, and would have the first man-birth tamer child in three thousand years. Terrence wasn't sure whether to be proud of that fact or not.
He was beginning to drift to sleep when he heard Teddy and Zick scream like little girls upstairs.
Sigh… Dammit, what did I tell them about not waking Johanna or me up?
Zick ran downstairs, obviously disturbed about something. Terrence sputtered as Zick shook him and screamed hysterically:
"Mister Thaur! Call the doctor! Teddy's water broke!"
0000
Terrence, Johanna, Greta, Zob, and Zick waited outside Teddy's bedroom as the Snyakutz doctor performed a "traditional" male tamer birth he read about in ancient medical texts over the past several months. The group outside wondered what such a delivery exactly entailed, but Teddy screaming about how his "ass would be sore" for the next few months on the other side of the wall gave them a clue (and made the three waiting men race to the bathroom). There were also stares in Zick's direction whenever Teddy screeched that he would never let him touch him again.
Eventually, the group heard someone else other than the teenage mother-daddy whimper and wail. Greta moved aside as the doctor opened the door with a smile on his face.
"So?" Johanna asked with maternal concern.
"It was a wonderful success. My limbs didn't even fall once!"
"I think she meant was it a boy or a girl," Terrence snapped before muttering "idiot" under his breath.
"Oh! Well, it's a beautiful, healthy baby boy!"
The women and Zick gasped and smiled with joy.
"Can you bring Zick inside?" Teddy attempted to yell over the child's cries. "And close the door!"
Johanna and Terrence were confused as the Snyakutz granted Zick entry and closed the door behind him.
Zick smiled as he looked at Teddy, who desperately needed a shower, holding his infant. The boy had a quiff of blond hair atop his head.
He stood to the side of the bed and wagged his finger along a baby cheek.
"Aww… He's beautiful! And he has your hair, Teddy!"
"And he also has your eyes, Zick…" Teddy replied with a grin.
The happy couple celebrated the unusual birth by kissing one another on the lips.