I was watching animal planet the other day when I came up with this idea.
This is pure crack, written at three in the morning. If people like it, I'll continue.
I started with Neji simply because it's so much fun to torture him...
Now enjoy and remember to review!
Disclaimer: I own nothing, though it would be amazing if I did...Oh I would have so much fun!
Neji sat on his favorite rock, enjoying the silence. Tenten was off somewhere doing weapon training and Lee was doing something that involved squirrels, lemons, running, a cantaloupe (the animal), a cell phone, and the latest Harry Potter book. He didn't want to know.
"We are here today observing the Hyuugacis Nejius, a member of the emotiness lackukus butakis we thinkukus it isacus on crackucus family."
Neji looked behind him into the forest, and saw a girl crouching in the bushes.
He simply stared as she started talking again.
"It appears to be looking around, checking for prey. It itself is usually the predator."
Neji simply stared. He didn't recognize the girl. She was in camouflage with a camera, with long brown hair with red tips and brown eyes.
"Now, a little history. The Hyuugacis Nejius is a very violent and fragile creature, ready to strike at the slightest disturbance. One must approach with care."
Neji just kept staring before asking, "Who the hell are you? And what are you doing?"
"Le gasp! This creature rarely ever makes sound. We are blessed to have heard it speak so early on in our observations. If we stay silent and still, it might make more noise."
"No, really. Who are you?"
Silence.
"I mean it! You're starting to creep me out!"
"It continues to make sound. I wonder what will happen if I poke it with this taser?"
Neji simply stared at her as she reached into her pocket and puller out a taser, and reached towards him.
"Now remember, this creature is delicate. One should not attempt this without adequate training and experience. Do not attempt this on your own."
Neji was seriously confused now. And what was she doing with that taser?
She was slowly crawling towards him, as though he could not see her.
"You must approach slowly and quietly. It does not appear to have noticed us."
"I've noticed you! I've been trying to talk to- AHHHHHH!" Neji yelped.
"Now, the creature does not appear to like being tasered. Now, we back away slowly before it attacks and pokes us to death."
Neji stared at the girl, mouth dropped to the floor. What was she doing? And who was she anyway?
"It appears to have forgotten about the tasering. We will now observe what it eats."
The girl then pulled off her backpack and rummaged around for a few seconds, then pulled out a Tupperware container.
Then opened it and gently crawled towards him and placed it in front of him.
Neji stared at her, dumbfounded for a few more seconds, then looked at the container. Inside was a banana, some ants, a slice of cold pizza, and a bowl of nails.
"We shall see if it eats anything. This might take a while."
Well, as strange as this was, Neji was hungry. He reached down and picked up the bowl of nails.
"It appears to have taken interest in the bowl of nails. We shall wait and see if he eats it."
Neji grabbed a handful, and ate them. He was tough after all.
"It's eating! Note how it chews, how holds the nails, how it raises the nails to it's mouth in that graceful fashion. I think we might be the first to observe this majestic creature eating."
Majestic? He preferred to think of himself as sexy…
"We will now witness how it reacts to other members of the Ninja class. We have made replicas of the most common ninjas it interacts with. First would be his teammate, the Rockulus Leeakus."
She then pulled out a remote control out of her backpack and switched it on.
There was the clicking of gears and Neji looked to the edge of the forest, surprised to see a robot Lee coming over.
"It appears to be sizing up it's opponent, figuring out what it is and the best way to take it down and interact with it. It is best at this point just to sit and wait."
Neji just stared at the robotic Lee, stalking it's way towards him, stopping when he was about two feet in front of Neji.
"Hello, my youthful rival, today I will defeat you." Robo-Lee said in a flat, robotic voice.
Neji just stared.
"The creature does not appear to know what to do or what to make of this animal that has just disturbed it in it's natural habitat."
Neji stared from Robo-Lee to the girl, wondering if he was still asleep.
"The beast seems to not know what to do. Perhaps we should stimulate it some more."
Neji just stared at the girl, who pulled a little lever on the remote, and then felt a sharp blow to the side of his face, knocking him of the rock.
He looked up to see Robo-Lee with his arm out stretched.
"Fight me, rival. I will win. If not, I will do something involving squirrels, lemons, running, a cantaloupe (the animal), a cell phone, and the latest Harry Potter book." Robo-Lee said, still in the flat, robotic tone.
Neji just gaped, wondering what he had eaten last night.
"It still appears to be confused by the current events. Perhaps this creature is more fragile and delicate than we thought. This might be too much confusion and activity for it's small brain to process."
This snapped Neji out of his previous vegetated state.
"I don't have a small brain!"
"The creature is finally reacting! What an exciting moment this is!"
"What is wrong with you?"
"The creature appears to have already met it's speaking quota for the next three months!"
"You need help!"
"The creature appears to be getting angry. It's a good thing we are wearing this anti-Hyuugacis Nejius onions."
"Of course I'm getting an- what about onions?"
The girl help up an onion.
"The Hyuugacis Nejius cannot come within four feet of this onion. We are safe."
Neji stared at the thing, then decided to see if that statement was true. He took another step closer. And nothing happened. Then another. Still nothing.
But then he took another step and heard a shrill, high pitched sound that hurt his ears, caused his eyes to roll back in his head, and his knees to grow weak.
"Arrgghhhh! Shit!"
"The nin appears to be feeling the effects of the onion."
"What the hell? Where is that noise coming from?"
"The beast appears to be quit dumb. It does not seem to realize that the noise is being caused by the onion."
"No onion can make that noise!"
"The beast also seems dumb in the instance that if it takes a step back, the effects of the onion will stop."
Neji took a step back, and the high pitched wail stopped.
"Okay, I don't know who or what you are, but you've got to go!"
"The creature does not seem to enjoy our company. It might attack. We must counter is with our robot of the Rockulus Leeakus."
For the second time, Neji felt a sharp pain to the side of his face, right below his left ear.
"Stop that!"
"Rival, let is fight with the full passion of youth."
"What the hell is going on?"
"Rival, let us battle." Another punch.
"The Hyuugacis Nejius does not appear to want to fight back. Either that, or it simply does not know how."
"I so know how!"
Neji then turned and went to punch Robo-Lee.
But found that punching Robo-Lee simply hurt his hand, as the said robot was made entirely of hard steel.
"Ow! Shit!"
"The creature appears to be injured, and is jumping up and down while shouting out a string of colorful words."
"What the fuck? This is stupid! You are stupid! What is wrong with this world?" Neji yelled, eyes watering from the pain as he nursed his injured hand.
After doing this for quite some time, Neji finally, exhausted, sat on the rock and closed his eyes. Any second now his alarm clock would go off…
"The Hyuugacis Nejius appears to be worn out. We will now stop interfering and leave it alone."
Silence.
"Neji!"
Neji's eyes sprang open as he looked to the other end of the training grounds, where Tenten was walking towards him.
"You're here! Thank god!" Neji exclaimed.
"Um…you're welcome? And what's with this robot of Lee? And who is that girl?" Tenten asked, looking around.
"I'm still trying to figure that out."
"The Tentenus appears! This is truly an amazing site! Both the Hyuugacis Nejius and the Tentenus together! We picked the right time to observe."
Both Tenten and Neji stared towards her, before Tenten turned to Neji.
"Want to go get some ramen or something?"
"Sure." Neji replied, before the two started walking off.
"And that concludes our segment on the Hyuugacis Nejius. Tune in next week when we observe another creature on Ninja Planet!"