So I was browsing my documents on my computer and I happened to find this li'l thingy. Originally it didn't have a start or a finish, just a middle, if you know what I mean, so I began it then finished it and this was the outcome. I guess I'm sort of proud, because I'm not too good at angst, even if it's only a little angsty like this 'un here. So here's hoping someone other than me likes it!
And when you're done reading...see that sexy little button at the bottom giving you those come-hither looks? Press it! Go on, you know you want to!
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. If I did, I wouldn't be writing goddamn fanfiction for it, and I'd be sitting on a private boat somewhere in the Caribbean yelling, "I'm on a boat!!"
A quiet day at the SPK. Near sat calmly on the floor, his collection of chubby dolls lined up in front of him, looking as sinister as if they were about to face the firing squad. The few members of the SPK were gathered around him as he spoke. One Halle Lidner could not concentrate on what the young boy was saying, but only on the warm enigma that was Stephen Gevanni by her side. How she wished she could solve the man who seemed like a puzzle. A puzzle that desired sexual activity from her very, very much.
Near dismissed each member and Lidner slid back into existence. Gevanni gave her a charming smile which melted her guts and she made to exit after him, but then Near spoke.
"Lidner," he called.
Lidner froze and glanced at the white haired boy over her shoulder. He was facing away from her, clutching one of his strange chubby dolls in his hands. She recognised it to be one of herself.
"Yes, Near?" she said unfalteringly.
"About you and Gevanni," Near ventured, turning his head slightly to observe her. "I have noticed that the two of you are behaving differently around each other."
Lidner swallowed.
Near gripped the doll slightly harder. "Would you care to tell me why?"
Words failed Lidner. She stuttered hard, but all she came out with was "Well, you see..."
"Are you together, Lidner?" Near enquired innocently.
"Why do you ask that?" Lidner's tone was defensive.
"Am I not permitted to take interest in my subordinates?" the teenager retorted with his own question.
Not knowing what to say next, Lidner scratched her forearm awkwardly. "We are," she whispered finally.
"I see," Near murmured.
A tense silence stretched out between them.
"Have you done it?" Near asked. Lidner spluttered; it was unlike him to be so blunt.
Seeing no other alternative, Lidner played the dumb card. "What do you mean?"
"You know very well what I mean, Lidner."
She quivered on the spot, watching Near place the doll back in line, shifting her closer to the Gevanni doll.
"We have," she admitted.
"There is no need to sound so embarrassed. It is not as if I don't know what it is like."
"You mean," Lidner paused, then continued with, "you've also done 'it'?"
"Yes," said Near.
She had not anticipated that.
The silence that lay between them was even more awkward than before.
"How old were you?" Lidner couldn't stop herself from questioning.
"I was thirteen," said Near.
"And you've only done it once?"
"Only once."
"And...?"
"And what, Lidner?" Near snapped uncharacteristically. "What did it feel like? It felt very nice, Lidner, very nice indeed, as I'm sure you're well aware of."
Lidner had no idea what to say, so she just asked, "Who with?"
Near closed his eyes in exasperation. "I was thirteen and still residing at Wammy's. You have three guesses, and the first two don't count."
Mello, Lidner thought. She voiced her thoughts.
"Congratulations," said Near, and Lidner fancied she could hear sarcasm in the normally devoid voice.
"So how on earth did that happen?" Lidner queried. She felt like pulling up a chair and grabbing some popcorn – Near was finally talking about himself, opening up in some sense.
"If you must know," Near sighed inaudibly, "it was a late night at Wammy's. Mello decided he had become bored of regular fifteen-year-old activities and decided to torment me instead. It was a favourite pastime of his, you know – he got no greater pleasure than beating my physically, seeing as he couldn't do it mentally."
Lidner didn't see where he was going with this, but then she urged him on with a "Go on".
"So when he came to see me that night, I finally told him that beating me like this meant nothing, and it did not count as a victory on his behalf, because where would harassing me like this get him? Nowhere, that's where. I told him as much."
Near fingered the Mello doll.
"He didn't like that. Not at all."
"As I can imagine," Lidner intervened.
"Yes," Near agreed. "I decided that I'd had enough of his constant bullying, and I do admit, I became rather egotistical at that moment. I told him I was superior to him and that it was I who would become L's successor. He stood there and listened to me, and what made it more and more terrible for him was that he knew it was true. Since in that moment I had destroyed his pride, he had to be consoled. And so he took the one thing I had left."
Finally, Lidner understood.
"Of course, I gave him to it willingly. It was a new experience to me, and one that I was eager to try again soon. That never happened. He left me quite alone after that."
"Do you regret it?" Lidner asked timidly.
Near simply shrugged. "I do not know."
"When we're young and foolish we do a lot of things we regret," Lidner soothed. "I wouldn't blame you if you regret it."
"You are forgetting that I am still young and foolish," said Near. He abandoned his dolls and raised his hand to curl his mop of pristine hair. "I want to do it again. Not with just anyone. With Mello."
Even though Near was now older and definitely wiser than he was back then, Lidner suspected that he still wasn't sure about the sort of bond a person would share with the one that took their virginity. Near probably wasn't sure what was so intimate about it; it was just a nice feeling people gave to each other in his eyes. He didn't understand the passion, the romance, the sheer wonder of losing virginity.
Desperate to keep the conversation going, Lidner blurted out, "Who topped?"
As Near turned to look incredulously at her, she mentally berated herself.
"Wouldn't it be obvious, Lidner?" said Near silkily.
Lidner decided that this was the right time to say nothing and let silence reign.
"Do not tell anyone, please." Near's voice sounded strained.
"I won't," Lidner reassured. "I promise."
"Pinky swear?" Near suddenly sounded like a child as he held out his frail pinky finger.
Lidner hooked her significantly larger pinky around his and he looked instantly soothed.
"I enjoyed talking with you today," said Near, turning back round to observe his city of dolls. The Kira doll glared hauntingly over at them.
"I enjoyed it too," said Lidner, with a small smile. She walked out of the door, leaving the albino boy alone once again.
*
Mello caught Lidner's eye as she stepped out of the shower. He did not seem uncomfortable when faced with her naked form, nor did he avert his eyes. He stared straight into her face determinedly.
Serious conversation had dwindled into small talk as he waited for her to emerge, and now neither of them could say anything to the other.
Then suddenly Lidner's interesting talk with Near popped back into her mind.
"Near has told me," said Lidner, trying to sound vague and mysterious.
She had captured Mello's interest. "What did he tell you?" he questioned.
"He told me about a rather interesting turn of events while the two of you where at Wammy's."
Mello hesitated. "You don't mean..."
Lidner nodded.
"Oh God," Mello muttered, resting his forehead against the bathroom wall. "I haven't scarred him for life or something, have I? I could barely look at him after it was over. I was ashamed that I could force him to do something like that. I hated him and everything, but I didn't want to...you know, hurt him. Well, not badly, but –"
"You didn't force him into anything," Lidner interrupted. "If anything, he enjoyed it. He told me he wants to do it again."
Mello's eyes drifted to the floor. Lidner observed him quietly.
"He's an odd kid," said Mello. "He's absolutely brilliant and all that – but odd. He didn't really strike me as the type who'd like sex."
"He's human," said Lidner softly. "Even if he doesn't seem like it."
"He cried, you know," said Mello almost reminiscently. "He kept saying, 'Mello, Mello, it hurts, please, no' and he had tears running down his face...but after a while he stopped and got into the rhythm of it. I thought he'd enjoyed it – but then he never came back. So I didn't either. It was for the best, you know?"
"He doesn't understand," Lidner explained. "To him, it's just a human instinct, a nice feeling. He doesn't understand the bond between two people after they've had sex."
"Shame," Mello murmured, and he pulled the remainder of his bar of chocolate out of his pocket. Biting off a piece, his eyes gained a faraway look. He gazed into the bathroom mirror. "I would've liked to do it with him again."
He politely averted his eyes as she towelled herself off, thinking quietly that it would make both of them happy if one of them just spoke up. Near was patient and waited for good things to come, so he would want Mello to come to him. Mello, however, was stubborn and awkward, and probably wanted Near to make the first move.
They were both stubborn and awkward, Lidner decided, and for that reason they wouldn't work.
*
Mello died before either of the two had the chance to confess to the other. Try as they might, none of the SPK members could notice a change in Near's behaviour, but Lidner fancied she could hear a melancholy tone in his voice when he spoke. His blank eyes and painless expression made Lidner want to grab him and shake him, tell him to stop acting so strong and to let the tears come, because that was what she would have done, what anyone would have done, and most honestly what Mello would have done.
But she didn't. She stood aside and watched him look at his strange, chubby dolls. She didn't notice the twitch in his fingers as he longed to pick up the Mello doll, and she didn't notice the tears brimming in his slate-coloured eyes. She could only notice the sad, lonely little boy, who had started with nothing and would now finish with less.
Finally Lidner could understand the strange emotion in Near's voice when she had heard him speak of Mello – she could understand that this night with Mello had been more than just a onetime thing, that it was more than a sort of Lidner-and-Gevanni whirlwind romance.
The thought of a good, pure person like Near being alone forever left a bitter taste in Lidner's mouth – a taste much like dark chocolate.