A/N: Here's another thing to be crossed off my list, a songfic. No idea if it's up to par or not, but here it is anyway. If anything else, it's more Shunsui x Nanao.
This is "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park. As usual, the song adds to the effect of the fic, but it isn't necessary.
I couldn't just let the inspiration die, so I decided to write something else. I also had a strange revelation today, perhaps a follow-up for "The Three Hardest Phrases"...
Good, not good? Let me know. -KG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, song nor anime, so don't sue, I got nothing.
Breaking The Habit
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
XoXoXoX
It's true, Nanao thought, this is tearing me apart like a hollow's claw.
Even though she knew this, she couldn't stop the memories from remaining constant in her mind. The genre: Shunsui Kyouraku, her laidback but infuriating captain.
Every little thing he did or said stayed with her. Most of these involved her, 'his lovely Nanao-chan' as he liked to put it. He wouldn't stop professing his love for her, but she knew he didn't really mean the things he said.
She knew, but yet she let it bother her. She was laying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Lately, this had become a common practice. Did it bother her because she wanted it to be real?
XoXoXoX
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
XoXoXoX
She didn't really know what to think. She didn't know exactly what she felt for him. He was a good friend, true, but could he possibly hold a larger space in her heart?
Love was always so puzzling, that's usually why she stayed away from it. Something she didn't understand tipped off the warning buzzers in her head, telling her to avoid it at all cost. It was dangerous to be floating in uncharted waters.
Why did it have to be like a battle? Could there be no easier way? Things were never easy when it came to this.
XoXoXoX
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
XoXoXoX
She reached over for per pillow, and putting it up to her face, she yelled into it. That had become too frequent too.
Each time he complimented her, she shot him down. Each time he made a gesture, she hit him. At first, it started because she thought it was inappropriate and unprofessional. That would be her only defense. Lately though, she began to question her own reasoning. She realized that other people probably wouldn't care much if she did get involved with her captain.
Most of the arguments, petty as they were and generally unimportant, were mainly started by her. She always had to say something negative whenever he said anything nice about her. She couldn't just accept that he was being kind.
But was it worth it to be wasting energy thinking about it? Maybe it was time for a change.
XoXoXoX
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
XoXoXoX
Shutting and locking her door behind her, she leaned up against it, sliding down slowly. Her chest was heaving, as she just rushed to get here. She had come across something she probably wasn't meant to hear.
She was heading home after a long day of work. Without meaning to, she came upon her captain and Ukitake talking while at rest under a group of trees near the path. She didn't like eavesdropping, but it was hard to ignore the familiar drawl of her captain's voice.
"Juu, what other ways can I prove to my lovely Nanao-chan that I love her? She won't believe me. What else can I say?"
He had his hat tipped low over his eyes, blade of grass in his mouth. A jug of sake sat between the two, and Ukitake took a sip before answering.
"That, my friend, is something you'll have to figure out for yourself. If you keep at it, which I know you will, then she'll come around eventually. You don't often give up on things you care about."
"Yare, you're probably right." He smiled. "How nice it would be for my Nanao-chan to be sharing the wonderful view of the sunset wrapped in my arms."
She got up to go sit by the window, able to see the slowly setting sun. She had a book in her arms, her only hope of escape from this. Usually, she would drown herself in a book to stop thinking about everything else.
Unfortunately, it wasn't working. She didn't know what scared her more: her own doubts, or the fact that he sounded completely serious.
XoXoXoX
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
XoXoXoX
She still didn't get it. Why was this so complicated?
Was he serious or not? She knew that he had quite the reputation of being one of the best Casanovas for the longest time, but that conversation may have changed her mind a bit.
Even if he did have many women, whose to say he didn't love all of them? Maybe he did.
That thought brightened her outlook a little.
XoXoXoX
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
XoXoXoX
"Ow, Nanao-chan, what was that for?" He rubbed his head, just having came into contact with her heavy bound book. "I was only saying how similar you-"
"I know full well what you were comparing me to, and it's highly inappropriate."
His grin returned to him. "But, Nanao-chan, one simply cannot ignore the beauty that is you. Why, if we-"
She hit him with her fan and walked off, annoyed.
Why did she always say those types of things? It had become a nasty little habit of hers. She admitted to herself, some of the things he suggested did sound wonderful.
She wouldn't mind spending quiet evenings reading under a cherry blossom, curled up next to him. She thought that his warmth and scent would be quite comforting. He would occasionally brush the strands of hair away from her eyes when they fell out of her bun, and he'd drape his haori over her, saying how wonderful it went with her violet eyes.
When did she start thinking like this? Was her heart telling her that she needed a change?
XoXoXoX
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
XoXoXoX
A stray thought crossed her mind as she sat at her desk doing paperwork.
The only thing that really kept them apart was her. She was the only barricade between what could bring both of them happiness that everyone searches for.
What if something happened on their next mission, and she never found that happiness? What if it was all because of her own doubts? She wouldn't be very pleased with that.
She wouldn't let her own inability to fight against herself prevent at least him from finding what he was looking for.
Maybe it was time to stop fighting him.
XoXoXoX
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
XoXoXoX
"Yare, Nanao-chan. What are you doing? You have a bit of a blank look."
She snapped back to reality, although still holding that distant gaze. "Just thinking." She turned to look at him when she said it.
"Hmm, is my lovely Nanao-chan thinking of her wonderful captain, perhaps?" She looked away, but he noticed that she didn't deny it. He almost jumped for joy, that is, he would've if he wasn't resting on the couch.
"You may think too much, Nanao-chan. It can't be good."
She sighed a little. "Maybe you're right."
He was a bit surprised that she agreed with him for once. He got up a little, thinking that there may be something wrong. He was even more surprised with the question she asked next.
"Captain, what are you looking for? What makes you happy?"
He had to think for a minute. Depending on what he said, he could very well get hit.
"Well, the only things I really need are my good friends, some sake, and a woman to share the joy with. I'm relatively simple."
Like she thought, it was very practical. She was about to expand on this when she heard him speak again.
"Although," He wondered if he was right in saying this. "There's only one woman I have in mind to share my joys with. I don't think any others would fit the bill."
"O-oh?" She didn't really think she needed to ask who it was, but not really thinking, she asked anyway. "And who would that be?" She was calling herself an idiot in her mind. Did she really want to hear what he said?
"Only my wonderful Nanao-chan of course." This time, the way he said it didn't sound anything like his light and cheery voice usually used. "There can be no one else."
She didn't say anything. What could she say to that? She wasn't sure she even wanted to say anything to refute it.
Noticing her silence, he asked something. "Were you expecting someone else?"
"Not really."
Well, that was surprising. She was definitely breaking tradition by not refusing anything he said. What had come over her? This conversation was definitely interesting.
"I'm looking for the same things too. Maybe I think too much because I have no one to share anything with. It's almost sad."
He was a little bolder seeing her downcast expression. He would do anything to help out his Nanao-chan.
"Well, they say that sorrow is best drowned in sake, and that no one should drink alone. If you like, I'll drink with you."
He had gotten up and came closer to her. She knew he was referring to more than sharing a drink.
"But what if I don't hold my alcohol that well? Will you leave me at the bar if I don't measure up to expectations?"
"Never."
He was completely serious, just like she thought. Things were clearer now.
She stood up, walking over to him. Leaning closer to him, he enveloped her in a hug, kissing the top of her head before resting his chin on it.
She could give it a shot. It was time for a change.
Maybe she would conquer herself yet.
XoXoXoX
Breaking the habit, tonight.
-Fin