You Have Saved Me
By: Shinigami82
So many things has happened to me. Everything happened unexpectedly. I had been piloting Deathscythe for as long as I could remember. I had been killing machines, eliminating any obstacles that lie ahead of me... Not letting a single of them survived. I guess it was a sense of revenge and hatred that had been growing inside me since the incident of the Maxwell church when I was young. The fires that burned my whole life at the time. I mean, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen had been killed brutally, while they were the only people I turned to when I needed guidance. They cared so much about me, even in her last moments, Sister Helen still prayed for my happiness, hoped that I would one day find the one that can do the same as them, loving me and protecting me they way they did. I did not get to return their kindness. They had died in front of my eyes. That would be unforgettable... and unforgivable. That event had tortured my inner soul. They were the most important people in my evil surrounded, damned life. Since Sister Helen never desired me to avenge her death and Father Maxwell's, I was trapped in my own emotions. I could never decide whether I should listen to her or listen to my heart. I promised her while I was so angry about the event. She loved peace. And I was going to make that peace for her happiness in the afterlife. So she could be proud of me, the boy that she and Father Maxwell had raised able to fulfil his promise. But is that really what you want to achieve, Duo?
I often asked to myself, why these things happened to me? Losing such important people when God knows that I had no one after they came to my life. If I knew that it would end like that, I'd rather not meeting them from the beginning. So then when they die, I wouldn't pay any attention. I'd only thought, they were just another innocent souls that had been murdered caused by the endless cruelty of war. I wouldn't feel so attached. Now that they had gone, I felt empty.
I always thought that life is like a dream. It goes so quickly. Especially when you don't know what your purpose of living. Everything is so vague and unexplainable. Unclear about what's going to happen next. I had been going through my life without excitement. Although war had ended, and people live normally. They had seem to be forgotten about the five young Gundam pilots that saved the world and the colony. People born, grow up, and even fall in love, and they marry... they seem to have the times of their lives. They know what their purpose of living, while me, one of the Gundam pilots seem to have lost his way, unable to find his goal in life. We used on fighting and killing, see? Now, that the whole universe is in peace, we couldn't find our space in society. We didn't know where we belong. Especially me. Not so much of the others.
Quatre had found what he's been looking for. The comfort and the protection from Trowa. On top of it, he said he had never being loved by anyone before he met Trowa. But I never believed him. Why would a rich boy like him had never being loved by anyone? He's father was a king wasn't he? And he had a palace didn't he? Along with the servants that can provide him with a variety of food or anything he desired. Yet, as I learned more about him, I realised that what was the use of those luxuries if the only thing that he never had was love? Then, I understood him.
Trowa? Well, although I was more open than he was, I wore a thicker mask than his. I always hid my emotions with my happy grin all the time. I was trapped with my emotions, remember? Trowa the same. Quatre was able to melt his heart, and to make him more open. Although not necessarily to other people, but at least, being honest to Quatre. He was the only one that being privileged to witness Trowa's tears. Yes, that Clown could finally cry and told his angel everything that he had been hidden. How lucky...
Well, Wufei could finally avenged his wife's death. Now that he achieved his goal, although depressing, he would go on with his life. He would start again and change his perspective about women. They are not always as weak as he thought they were. Yes, at times women can be weaker. That's because they are more vulnerable than us. Yes, Wufei started being attracted to women again. He admitted to me one day that he would find 'the right one' and start from the beginning again, since he was married too young once, couldn't appreciate the 'real' meaning of love. Well, goodluck, Wu!
Yuy... I didn't know where he had gone after the war. He disappeared mysteriously. But I assume he wanted to make a journey elsewhere. I never understood him. But I could see emptiness in his eyes. That's why he needed journey and would fill his eyes with understanding what was happening in the world. He told me once that after the war was over, he wanted to find his long-gone soul that had been taken over by his cold-blooded nature that taught by Odin Lowe. Although a bit complicated, I had to admit, that his goal is similar to mine. Finding the real him. But he promised he will reunite with his companions one day. He said although it will bring back bad memories of war, we are the ones that had been fighting along his side. Sigh... at least they all know what they were doing.
Me? I had been trying to look for the meaning... of me being born. And I was looking for my soul. Unable to find what I had been searching for, I always wanted to end my life. I almost given up myself to Shinigami. The God of Death I had always believed in since only death had surrounded me. I never believed in God. Because if there is God. Why would He allow the whole killing and war to happen? I wanted to give up. Tired of searching... I had no one around me that was able to help me. Quatre was always concerned about me. He wanted to help. But he couldn't help me find the answer. I thanked him for his understanding. But I just couldn't accept his offer. I needed someone else. Someone who understood the position I was in. I know I had to follow wherever my life led me. But at that time, I felt that my life didn't lead me anywhere. I felt like I went back to where I came from. I knew what I had to do when I was a Gundam pilot. But now I eliminate my buddy, I became lost again, the same feeling like I had when I lost Sister Helen and Father Maxwell.
I had a gun to my head, kneeling on my cold bedroom tiles, about to shoot myself. Not caring about what I've been looking for all my life. I didn't care anymore about finding it. I hated it when God seemed to be playing with my life, He was giving me hard tests in this life. When I shed a tear about leaving my friends and companions... and wasn't being sad about leaving this world, I hated it anyhow... with a gun I tightly held, Heero came into my bedroom by my surprise, swung the door wide open. He looked at me in the eye, looked quite surprised by my action and slowly approached me. He delicately took that gun away and threw it aside. I didn't know why I let him took my gun. I guess I was more interested on the reason why he was suddenly turned up on the perfect timing, when I wanted to take my own life. With my eyes filled with tears, I didn't know why he was there, still kneeling on the floor, I looked at him questioningly... He looked at me back, with sad eyes, he kneeled in front of me. He focused his deep cobalt eyes on me and slowly raised his right hand to reach my left cheek. He caressed it for awhile, wanted to feel the skin.
Now that I remembered those moments, I remembered that I saw something else in his eyes. They were no more filled with mystery. They were full of meaning, especially, they looked kind and tender. I could tell that he found what he was looking for during his journey. But I was confused why he was touching me like that. Not that I was mind. I liked his touch. Those hands could bend steel, but they were so soft on me. All of a sudden, he pulled me into his embrace, enveloping me with his strong arms. I remembered I still had my tears running down my cheeks. I couldn't move, too shock of his actions. I remained silent all those times. After several minutes, he let me go and looked me in the eyes again. He asked me why I was about to do it. I constantly told him the burdens I had been carrying, I told him about how I wanted so much to find my soul, the meaning of my life, and most of all, why was I living at all only to experience horrific things that repeated over and over, never seemed to end. I also remembered how I was heavily sobbing when I was telling him the story. I could feel that my eyes were very sore from all the crying. I was quite surprised when I stopped telling him the stories of my depressing life, he was patiently listened to me and put that concerned look in his eyes.
He caressed my cheek again, but this time he swiped away my tear with his thumb. He told me not to worry. Things happens for a reason. And then I asked him how could he say such a thing? I told him about how easy was for him to say that, knowing that he had not one clue of what I had been through. I asked him again that what reason is it for me to experience such things? Losing myself and losing important people in my life... all that...? For a reason? I sobbed again, and my tears started to run again. This time he moved his face closer to mine and licked my tears away. I was startled of what he did. Before I could say anything, he told me the reason of the things I experienced is for him to be able to find love. And for me to find someone to love me, to protect me. I couldn't believe of the things he said, it was so close to reality... but I insisted that why would I believe him? It could be an act, to prevent me from killing myself. But before I could finish my sentence, I could feel his warm, soft lips on my mouth. He was kissing me. I could feel his breath in between kisses. I couldn't believe I was actually enjoying it while I didn't know why he did it. He ran his fingers on my hair, until he reached the bottom end of it, he undone my braid and let it loose. Our kiss grew bolder as we were tasting each other's tongue. But I realised I couldn't go any further without knowing the reason why he kissed me. I pushed him slowly although I was regretting my action, to stop the blessing kiss.
I asked him the reason why he kissed me, while I was running out breath. He looked at me, also with his breath running uncontrollably. But he straight away focused on my question and answered it. He told me that he nearly killed himself during his journey, the same with me, unable to find the answer he had been seeking. And on that near death experience, for some reason, the image of myself came up in his mind. He told me he saw the image of me was laughing and how beautiful my smile was. My voice helped him to made himself conscious and not willing to die. He realised at that moment that he loved me all this time and wanted to come back to see me. He had been observing how I talked, how I smiled, how I laughed, how I socialise with other people with my happy-go-lucky attitude. He admitted that my whole behaviour had brought sunshine to his life. He said that I was the reason why he began to love life. He said no matter what, he had to come back to see me.
I was touched by his words. I couldn't help but to shed tears once more. I covered my face with my hands, ashamed of my cowardness while he was also trying hard to find his answer. He thought he had said something that might offended me and he constantly was asking me whether he was saying something wrong, or things that I didn't want to hear. I swiped my tears away myself this time. I looked at his beautiful cobalt eyes and told him that those are actually the answer I had been searching for. You, Heero, is the one that would make my life complete, I told him. Upon hearing that, he smiled at me, the first enchanted smile he had ever given me. And then we kissed again.
That night, we shared the most intimate moment in both of our lives. We kissed for as long as I could remember and made love by the moonlight that shone through the window of my bedroom. In the dark, I could see his cobalt eyes were filled with passion, my Heero felt his emotion for the first time. When he closed his eyes and tightly embraced me, I remembered calling his name to let him know that he is the only one and how much I loved him. Later, we both were lying there, catching our breaths, exhausted from the passionate lovemaking, we silently confessed our love with words, promised to be ever faithful to each other. And then slowly, we both fell asleep peacefully until the sun rose over the horizon.
Well, Sister Helen... thank you for your prayers, I have finally found someone that cares for me. Of course, Father Maxwell too. For your guidance all along. It doesn't mean that I would forget you both now that I have found love again. It is because you loved peace that peace had grown inside me. I will always remember how you taught me not to give up, how you taught me to believe in God. Yes, now I believe in God. He gave me someone to love and love me in return. Heero now is here to give me protection and love. Now I learned that things don't turn out they way you planned them to. And when they don't, they can turn out just a little bit better.
By: Shinigami82
So many things has happened to me. Everything happened unexpectedly. I had been piloting Deathscythe for as long as I could remember. I had been killing machines, eliminating any obstacles that lie ahead of me... Not letting a single of them survived. I guess it was a sense of revenge and hatred that had been growing inside me since the incident of the Maxwell church when I was young. The fires that burned my whole life at the time. I mean, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen had been killed brutally, while they were the only people I turned to when I needed guidance. They cared so much about me, even in her last moments, Sister Helen still prayed for my happiness, hoped that I would one day find the one that can do the same as them, loving me and protecting me they way they did. I did not get to return their kindness. They had died in front of my eyes. That would be unforgettable... and unforgivable. That event had tortured my inner soul. They were the most important people in my evil surrounded, damned life. Since Sister Helen never desired me to avenge her death and Father Maxwell's, I was trapped in my own emotions. I could never decide whether I should listen to her or listen to my heart. I promised her while I was so angry about the event. She loved peace. And I was going to make that peace for her happiness in the afterlife. So she could be proud of me, the boy that she and Father Maxwell had raised able to fulfil his promise. But is that really what you want to achieve, Duo?
I often asked to myself, why these things happened to me? Losing such important people when God knows that I had no one after they came to my life. If I knew that it would end like that, I'd rather not meeting them from the beginning. So then when they die, I wouldn't pay any attention. I'd only thought, they were just another innocent souls that had been murdered caused by the endless cruelty of war. I wouldn't feel so attached. Now that they had gone, I felt empty.
I always thought that life is like a dream. It goes so quickly. Especially when you don't know what your purpose of living. Everything is so vague and unexplainable. Unclear about what's going to happen next. I had been going through my life without excitement. Although war had ended, and people live normally. They had seem to be forgotten about the five young Gundam pilots that saved the world and the colony. People born, grow up, and even fall in love, and they marry... they seem to have the times of their lives. They know what their purpose of living, while me, one of the Gundam pilots seem to have lost his way, unable to find his goal in life. We used on fighting and killing, see? Now, that the whole universe is in peace, we couldn't find our space in society. We didn't know where we belong. Especially me. Not so much of the others.
Quatre had found what he's been looking for. The comfort and the protection from Trowa. On top of it, he said he had never being loved by anyone before he met Trowa. But I never believed him. Why would a rich boy like him had never being loved by anyone? He's father was a king wasn't he? And he had a palace didn't he? Along with the servants that can provide him with a variety of food or anything he desired. Yet, as I learned more about him, I realised that what was the use of those luxuries if the only thing that he never had was love? Then, I understood him.
Trowa? Well, although I was more open than he was, I wore a thicker mask than his. I always hid my emotions with my happy grin all the time. I was trapped with my emotions, remember? Trowa the same. Quatre was able to melt his heart, and to make him more open. Although not necessarily to other people, but at least, being honest to Quatre. He was the only one that being privileged to witness Trowa's tears. Yes, that Clown could finally cry and told his angel everything that he had been hidden. How lucky...
Well, Wufei could finally avenged his wife's death. Now that he achieved his goal, although depressing, he would go on with his life. He would start again and change his perspective about women. They are not always as weak as he thought they were. Yes, at times women can be weaker. That's because they are more vulnerable than us. Yes, Wufei started being attracted to women again. He admitted to me one day that he would find 'the right one' and start from the beginning again, since he was married too young once, couldn't appreciate the 'real' meaning of love. Well, goodluck, Wu!
Yuy... I didn't know where he had gone after the war. He disappeared mysteriously. But I assume he wanted to make a journey elsewhere. I never understood him. But I could see emptiness in his eyes. That's why he needed journey and would fill his eyes with understanding what was happening in the world. He told me once that after the war was over, he wanted to find his long-gone soul that had been taken over by his cold-blooded nature that taught by Odin Lowe. Although a bit complicated, I had to admit, that his goal is similar to mine. Finding the real him. But he promised he will reunite with his companions one day. He said although it will bring back bad memories of war, we are the ones that had been fighting along his side. Sigh... at least they all know what they were doing.
Me? I had been trying to look for the meaning... of me being born. And I was looking for my soul. Unable to find what I had been searching for, I always wanted to end my life. I almost given up myself to Shinigami. The God of Death I had always believed in since only death had surrounded me. I never believed in God. Because if there is God. Why would He allow the whole killing and war to happen? I wanted to give up. Tired of searching... I had no one around me that was able to help me. Quatre was always concerned about me. He wanted to help. But he couldn't help me find the answer. I thanked him for his understanding. But I just couldn't accept his offer. I needed someone else. Someone who understood the position I was in. I know I had to follow wherever my life led me. But at that time, I felt that my life didn't lead me anywhere. I felt like I went back to where I came from. I knew what I had to do when I was a Gundam pilot. But now I eliminate my buddy, I became lost again, the same feeling like I had when I lost Sister Helen and Father Maxwell.
I had a gun to my head, kneeling on my cold bedroom tiles, about to shoot myself. Not caring about what I've been looking for all my life. I didn't care anymore about finding it. I hated it when God seemed to be playing with my life, He was giving me hard tests in this life. When I shed a tear about leaving my friends and companions... and wasn't being sad about leaving this world, I hated it anyhow... with a gun I tightly held, Heero came into my bedroom by my surprise, swung the door wide open. He looked at me in the eye, looked quite surprised by my action and slowly approached me. He delicately took that gun away and threw it aside. I didn't know why I let him took my gun. I guess I was more interested on the reason why he was suddenly turned up on the perfect timing, when I wanted to take my own life. With my eyes filled with tears, I didn't know why he was there, still kneeling on the floor, I looked at him questioningly... He looked at me back, with sad eyes, he kneeled in front of me. He focused his deep cobalt eyes on me and slowly raised his right hand to reach my left cheek. He caressed it for awhile, wanted to feel the skin.
Now that I remembered those moments, I remembered that I saw something else in his eyes. They were no more filled with mystery. They were full of meaning, especially, they looked kind and tender. I could tell that he found what he was looking for during his journey. But I was confused why he was touching me like that. Not that I was mind. I liked his touch. Those hands could bend steel, but they were so soft on me. All of a sudden, he pulled me into his embrace, enveloping me with his strong arms. I remembered I still had my tears running down my cheeks. I couldn't move, too shock of his actions. I remained silent all those times. After several minutes, he let me go and looked me in the eyes again. He asked me why I was about to do it. I constantly told him the burdens I had been carrying, I told him about how I wanted so much to find my soul, the meaning of my life, and most of all, why was I living at all only to experience horrific things that repeated over and over, never seemed to end. I also remembered how I was heavily sobbing when I was telling him the story. I could feel that my eyes were very sore from all the crying. I was quite surprised when I stopped telling him the stories of my depressing life, he was patiently listened to me and put that concerned look in his eyes.
He caressed my cheek again, but this time he swiped away my tear with his thumb. He told me not to worry. Things happens for a reason. And then I asked him how could he say such a thing? I told him about how easy was for him to say that, knowing that he had not one clue of what I had been through. I asked him again that what reason is it for me to experience such things? Losing myself and losing important people in my life... all that...? For a reason? I sobbed again, and my tears started to run again. This time he moved his face closer to mine and licked my tears away. I was startled of what he did. Before I could say anything, he told me the reason of the things I experienced is for him to be able to find love. And for me to find someone to love me, to protect me. I couldn't believe of the things he said, it was so close to reality... but I insisted that why would I believe him? It could be an act, to prevent me from killing myself. But before I could finish my sentence, I could feel his warm, soft lips on my mouth. He was kissing me. I could feel his breath in between kisses. I couldn't believe I was actually enjoying it while I didn't know why he did it. He ran his fingers on my hair, until he reached the bottom end of it, he undone my braid and let it loose. Our kiss grew bolder as we were tasting each other's tongue. But I realised I couldn't go any further without knowing the reason why he kissed me. I pushed him slowly although I was regretting my action, to stop the blessing kiss.
I asked him the reason why he kissed me, while I was running out breath. He looked at me, also with his breath running uncontrollably. But he straight away focused on my question and answered it. He told me that he nearly killed himself during his journey, the same with me, unable to find the answer he had been seeking. And on that near death experience, for some reason, the image of myself came up in his mind. He told me he saw the image of me was laughing and how beautiful my smile was. My voice helped him to made himself conscious and not willing to die. He realised at that moment that he loved me all this time and wanted to come back to see me. He had been observing how I talked, how I smiled, how I laughed, how I socialise with other people with my happy-go-lucky attitude. He admitted that my whole behaviour had brought sunshine to his life. He said that I was the reason why he began to love life. He said no matter what, he had to come back to see me.
I was touched by his words. I couldn't help but to shed tears once more. I covered my face with my hands, ashamed of my cowardness while he was also trying hard to find his answer. He thought he had said something that might offended me and he constantly was asking me whether he was saying something wrong, or things that I didn't want to hear. I swiped my tears away myself this time. I looked at his beautiful cobalt eyes and told him that those are actually the answer I had been searching for. You, Heero, is the one that would make my life complete, I told him. Upon hearing that, he smiled at me, the first enchanted smile he had ever given me. And then we kissed again.
That night, we shared the most intimate moment in both of our lives. We kissed for as long as I could remember and made love by the moonlight that shone through the window of my bedroom. In the dark, I could see his cobalt eyes were filled with passion, my Heero felt his emotion for the first time. When he closed his eyes and tightly embraced me, I remembered calling his name to let him know that he is the only one and how much I loved him. Later, we both were lying there, catching our breaths, exhausted from the passionate lovemaking, we silently confessed our love with words, promised to be ever faithful to each other. And then slowly, we both fell asleep peacefully until the sun rose over the horizon.
Well, Sister Helen... thank you for your prayers, I have finally found someone that cares for me. Of course, Father Maxwell too. For your guidance all along. It doesn't mean that I would forget you both now that I have found love again. It is because you loved peace that peace had grown inside me. I will always remember how you taught me not to give up, how you taught me to believe in God. Yes, now I believe in God. He gave me someone to love and love me in return. Heero now is here to give me protection and love. Now I learned that things don't turn out they way you planned them to. And when they don't, they can turn out just a little bit better.