"Never let your guard down, even around old ladies"
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An (Un)Fortunate New Year
by Tama Saga
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Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma. The rights belong to our much beloved Rumiko Takahashi. I am borrowing her characters to tell a story, and I hope to make 0 profits and 0 losses by doing so.
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The sun had already set several hours ago. Midnight was nearing, but none of the inhabitants in the Tendo Home were sleeping. No! Plenty of crashes were heard from right outside the compound as the inhabitants bustled around inside.
The first to finish was Ranma. He shuffled a little next to the front gates of the walled compound as he waited impatiently for the others to finish.
"You're going to wear that to the temple?" Akane asked when she walked out clad in a rather cute blue kimono that was darkened greatly by the dim lighting of the night sky. There was a slight edge in her voice.
"What?" Ranma asked in confusion as he took a moment to inspect his normal Chinese attire. "There's nothing wrong with it."
"That may be, Ranma-baby...but think about our reputation," Nabiki said as she walked out. She was dressed in a dark green kimono with lighter spots all over. They almost looked like Yen signs. Almost, but not quite, because that'd be tasteless.
Ranma scoffed. "Why should I when pops is going as a panda?" He was promptly swatted over the head with a wooden sign. He turned angrily toward the one responsible for the sneak attack.
The panda merely held up the sign. ⌈Foolish boy. This is a Tuxedo.⌋
"Suit yourself," Nabiki said disinterestedly as she walked away.
But Akane wasn't going to let up yet. "Why are you doing this?"
"It's not like there's a rule that says I have to dress up." Ranma snapped back.
"..." after staring at Ranma for a moment, Akane suddenly seemed to understand what was going on. "You don't have anything nice to wear, right? I have one of Nabiki's hand me downs I could let you borrow."
"I ain't goin as a girl." Ranma immediately responded.
Akane was interrupted before she could say anything else.
"I'm sorry everyone," Kasumi said as she hurried out with her father close behind. Her white kimono appeared grayish under the dimly lit sky. Brushing a flower patterned fold aside, she quickly presented herself to the others.
Except for Ranma, who had his hands in his pocket, the group clapped politely.
-o-o-o-o-o-
The grill sizzled as it cooked the batter placed upon it.
Reaching out with a hand-sized spatula, Ukyou flipped several Okonomiyaki with a peculiar expression on her face. She was dressed in a nice kimono, for men, but it was hidden beneath the apron that she was wearing. The expression on her face was a mix between concentration, irritation, and grumpiness.
She finally turned to her neighbor, the fires of hell burning in her eyes. "Okay you Chinese Hussy, what're you doin' here?"
"Is good time to sell too good Chinese food, no?" Shampoo enthusiastically said as she left the other two amazons to sashay toward the okonomiyaki cart, her red and black Chinese dress swaying elegantly as she walked.
Ukyou flipped an okonomiyaki with her battle spatula before she abandoned her stand and met Shampoo in the middle with one angry step. "Don't lie. You heard that Ranchan will be visiting this temple tonight."
"Too funny. Shampoo think Spatula Girl think same thing." Shampoo growled back, her nose almost touching Ukyou's.
-o-o-o-o-o-
A small group finally reached the top stairs of the temple. A well-endowed woman wearing a kimono that tightly hugged her curves stood before them, blocking their way.
"Oh ho, I thought the delinquents would come at this time of night," Hinako said in a smug voice.
"Isn't it past your bedtime?" Ranma demanded.
∗ Bonk ∗
"Ow!" Ranma turned and fixed Akane with an irritated expression while rubbing the growing lump on the back of his head.
"Show some respect. Now apologize to Hinako-sensei." Akane demanded.
"Grmble." Ranma reluctantly said.
It was most definitely not an apology. However Hinako did not seem to notice as she was busy eyeing his casual attire. "You are the worst delinquent ever," she sniffed.
"Eh. So?" Ranma asked as he picked at his ear.
The look of disapproval was all the warning that he had.
"Happo Go Ju En-…"
From his spot next to his teacher, Ranma was smirking as his finger blocked the hole in the 50 yen coin.
Hinako frowned and took a step back. "Happo Go-"
Once again, Ranma's finger was plugging the hole.
"Quit showing off!" Akane angrily said as she punched Ranma right off of the stairs. It was a long way down...
Nabiki gave a long whistle. "Nice going sis."
-o-o-o-o-o-
Ranma slowly clambered up the steps.
"Gorilla girl," he muttered.
I see that you're still being a delinquent.
Ranma looked up. Hinako-sensei was still standing at the top of the stairs, pointing a 50 yen coin in Ranma's direction.
"Oh you've gotta..." Ranma suppressed the urge to groan, that would be unmanly. Looking around, he realized that there was no one nearby. If he was quick enough...
"Happo-" Hinako started to say before she suddenly reverted to her child form as the Chi that she had absorbed earlier was forcefully expelled into the air around her. "No fair!" she cried out as she struggled to hit the pigtailed boy with her much shortened arms.
"Ranma..."
"Akane!" the pigtailed boy yelped as he removed his hands from the 5 pressure points and quickly backed away. The Tendos had been standing behind Hinako the entire time.
"...you pervert!" She roared as her foot lashed out. There was a ripping noise and she set her foot down before it could strike her errant fiance. "Oh no. Look what you made me do!" she angrily cried out as she cautiously lifted up the hem to inspect the damage.
Ranma recovered enough to blink and respond with, "What?! That was your fault you tomboy!"
"No excuses!" Akane shot back as she punted him over the entrance archway and into temple grounds.
-o-o-o-o-o-
∗Crash∗
Ukyou and Shampoo stopped glaring at each other to deal with the interloper that dared intrude in their argument. Their expressions changed from anger to happiness when they discovered just who it was.
"Ranchan!"
"Airen!"
They grabbed and hugged each arm...and then the tug of war started.
"Hands off my Ranchan, you hussy!" Ukyou shouted as she pulled one way.
"Shampoo get here first Spatula girl!" Shampoo shot back as she just as enthusiastically pulled the other way.
Cologne hopped out. "Oh, Son-in-Law. Fancy seeing you here at this time of night."
"Gaaah!" was all Ranma could say as the two girls pulling him apart were doing a far better job than any medieval torture device.
"Ran-Ma..." Mousse growled quietly, an aged staff held before him preventing him from acting on his wishes.
Ranma searched desperately for some way to escape his predicament. He spotted the rest of the Tendo family walking up.
"Help! Akane!"
"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Akane said as a red aura surrounded her. Instead of acting on her impulse, she turned away and gave him the cold shoulder.
That was when Shampoo let go, causing Ranma and Ukyou to fly off and land in a heap. She pounced on the two, and for one brief moment, her lips met Ranma's.
Unfortunately, Akane saw this. "Ranma..." she growled as the red aura suddenly became a blazing inforno.
"This isn't what it looks like!" Ranma cried out before his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.
The mallet had finally appeared...
Shampoo and Ukyou both leapt right when Akane swung it like a golf club. "...no Baka!"
"Uncute Tombooooy!" Ranma cried out as he rocketed backwards.
"Aiyah!" Shampoo whispered in a dazed tone of voice as she touched her lips.
-o-o-o-o-o-
Ranma pulled himself up before he looked at the small rolled up piece of paper in his hand. Looking around, he soon realized that he had pulled it out when he was getting up.
He unrolled it before staring at what was written.
Great Fortune
A smirk slowly adorned his face. "Heh. As if I'd get anything less."
"Very nice." - Slrp. - " But I'm afraid that..." - Slrp. - "...it's wrong."
The smirk disappeared as Ranma turned to an old lady in shrine priestess robes eating Chinese Food.
"What?"
"That fortune does not belong to you." the old woman explained.
"Yeah it does." Ranma replied with a confident smirk as he waggled the creased paper before the old woman in a taunting manner.
The old priestess was highly unamused. Pulling her chopsticks from the bowl of soup without spilling a drop, she pointed them at the pigtailed boy. "As a master of martial arts fortune telling. I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to keep that fortune. Surrender it now or I shall have to use force."
For all intents and purposes, Ranma was as relaxed as before. But with this new declaration, there was a slight tensing in his legs as he awaited her next move.
The old woman's eyes narrowed when she saw that he was going to resist. She pulled an inkpad from her robes and dropped it on the floor before crouching down. Separating her chopsticks, she soaked the end of one of them in the ink before standing up.
She turned to face her pigtailed opponent.
"Kami changes message."
An instant later, the old lady was calmly standing behind Ranma, finishing up the last her noodles with a pair of mismatched chopsticks.
"You are a strong foe." She finally said upon swallowing, and Ranma turned around. 'Unlucky' had been written on his face, however the fortune that he had been holding had remained untouched.
"Heh." Ranma preened at the compliment. The confidence exuding from his pores was almost sickening.
Instead of attacking again, the old lady withdrew a fortune cookie from a brown paper bag placed on a nearby stone counter and cracked it open.
"What blasphemy is this?" she asked after reading the fortune contained on the slip of paper.
Ranma had a curious expression on his face. "What does it say?"
The old lady wasn't listening. "This isn't a fortune!" she shouted to the sky before she stepped up to one of the tree that had bad fortunes tied to its branches. Placing both hands on a branch, she snapped it off with a direct application of force.
"Kami chooses a Scapegoat," she screamed out as she turned to Ranma and swung the branch with both hands.
Ranma confidently stood where he was, the flimsy thing and the old lady's weak muscles weren't going to hurt him.
- Thwack! -
He was absolutely correct, it didn't hurt one bit.
"Can't you behave for once?! Stop picking on the elderly you idiot." Akane shouted as she ran in and slugged him. Ranma crashed into a nearby booth selling good luck fortunes.
"That was bad luck," the old woman remarked sagely. "Your fortune is obviously wrong. Hand it over so that I may correct it."
"No way!" Ranma shouted as he jumped to his feet, slightly dizzy but fine overall.
The old priestess swung again
Again, Ranma chose to stand still.
-Thwack-
Again, it didn't hurt.
A giant golden Buddha then landed right on top of him.
"Dammit Saotome, how did you manage to escape that so quickly?" Mousse shouted as he blindly searched around for his quarry before running off. He was not wearing his glasses at the time.
"Rrrgh!" With some effort, Ranma managed to throw the giant statue off of him.
"Bad luck." the old lady said again. "Give me your fortune. It needs to be corrected."
"Pfft, no it doesn't!" Ranma arrogantly denied before he casually dodged the old woman's next strike.
This time, nothing strange happened.
But the old woman didn't seem to care about her miss, she lowered the branch before calmly regarding the pigtailed boy. "I have some advice for you." she finally said, "you will trip over your feet if you do not tie your shoes."
Ranma looked down. "What?" Moments later, he realized that he'd been had.
¤ Thwack. ¤
"Hey, what-"
Ranma didn't get to finish before his danger sense went off. He barely managed to dodge as a giant spatula stuck itself into the ground right where he had been standing moments ago. A chain was wrapped around the handle.
"Heh, I finally got you Saotome!" Mousse smugly said. "Apologize to Shampoo for opening a food stand next door."
"Urrg, Mousse, you jackass! Let me go!" Ukyou angrily shouted as she struggled to break free of the chains holding her in place.
"Bad luck," the old woman said again.
An arrogant smirk filled Ranma's face. "It didn't hit me."
The old woman was starting to show signs of irritation. "Boy...give up and let me change your fortune."
"Feh, I see no reason to change it when those were just coincidences."
The old woman reached into her sleeve and drew out a deck of tarot cards. She fanned them out and held them up. "Very well then. Pick a card and I shall tell your fortune."
"I don't see how I'm going to get anything bad," Ranma confidently said as he reached out.
The old lady suddenly pulled the cards away and...
-Thwack-
...struck him with the branch again.
A vein appeared in Ranma's forehead. "What the heck was that for granny?"
However, unlike the previous three times...nothing happened.
A full minute of waiting passed and Ranma leaned back, "Heh see, coincidences."
But a sobering thought had occurred to the elderly shrine priestess. "Oh dear." she finally said after rereading the fortune cookie's fortune. Her face screwed up as she started to concentrate. Soon the earth started to tremble.
Ranma warily started to back away as an aura of power seemed to surround the old priestess.
"I'm afraid just bad luck is not enough." she calmly said as the aura disappered. She put her finger to her lips and whistled loudly. Several shrine miko suddenly appeared and surrounded the two.
Ranma looked around with a panicked expression on his face. "What the?!"
"I cannot let you escape."
"Head priestess! This demon has not been summoned for hundreds of years!" one of them warned the old lady.
"We must. This boy's livelihood is at stake." The old priestess retorted as she upended her empty ramen bowl and placed a crumpled fortune on top. "Unlucky" was written inside with badly written kanji.
And at some unseen signal, the shrine mikos formed a circle and kneeled down before they began to pray to the fortune in the center.
What happened next utterly blew the pigtailed protagonist away, literally. Ranma's unintentional flight ended with one of the shrine's pillars.
"What is thy bidding?" Demanded a giant floating rolled-up piece of paper as it appeared from the glowing purple nexus.
All of the shrine maidens stood back up and hurried away while the old lady pointed at the pigtailed boy that was rubbing his back Ranma.
"Defeat him."
That was how Ranma found himself fighting a giant demon on shrine property. The very first thing that the scroll did was unroll itself, allowing Ranma to see what was written inside.
UNLUCKY
He was immediately struck by the gravity of the words contained within when the paper demon tackled him.
Ranma soon threw it off, and then the battle really began.
The paper's thin profile made it very hard to connect a blow. Lashing out with the Amaguriken under the theory that hitting a large area at once will register at least one hit did allow him to strike the paper a few times. Except he got some very deep and annoying paper cuts as a result.
He had to hit it along its flat surface, not its edge.
An ethereal voice seemed to reverberate from everywhere. "Surrender boy..."
"To you? Never!" he responded cockily. Unfortunately, the paper was fast, very much so. When Ranma tried to hit it from the top or bottom, it just zoomed away.
"Too slow..." that unearthly voice taunted before it rammed into the pigtailed boy.
Ranma stumbled slightly, but he found that there was almost no momentum behind the paper's charges...it was too light. It couldn't hurt him easily. "I'm just getting started," he declared as he lashed out, getting another paper cut for his efforts.
"I can do this all day," the unearthly voice calmly said.
The paper cuts were annoying, but not dangerous. But the demon was right, this was going nowhere. Ranma decided to exploit the strength of anything goes and leapt high into the air. It was a gamble, as the paper monster demonstrated remarkable aerial prowess already.
It followed him, but Ranma quickly noticed that the paper demon moved far slower when it ascended or descended.
The battle stayed aerial.
But he was still having problems.
The paper buckled under as the downward kick impacted against its surface, but it immediately straightened out and blasted forward, causing Ranma to lose his balance when the rug was figuratively pulled out from under his feet. "I've felt babies who have hit harder" the demon taunted as it looped around and changed.
Ranma mentally cursed as he landed awkwardly and took a blow to the chest while he was in the middle of recovering. Even though he was striking the paper demon's enlarged surface frequently now, it was absorbing them easily.
What can I do? He wondered irritatedly as he leapt into the air once again. The demon following close behind.
Ranma's eyes fell upon the gathering crowd. The Tendos? There!
Angling his flight path, he dived toward them.
Landing lightly, with the paper demon close behind him, Ranma calmly turned around...
...and promptly booted the Tendo Patriarch into the sky. Said victim immediately started crying with sad excuse number 34, my son-in-law is picking on me.
"Ranma you jerk!" Akane shouted as she delivered the same justice to her fiance-to-be.
The tears soon became a combination of sad excuse number 34, and unbelievable excuse number 98, my baby girl and my son-in-law are disguising their love with violence.
But no one was around to see the change in water quantity, no matter how miniscule, as the crowd started screaming and running when it started to rain.
The tear-induced rain had a strange effect on the paper monster. As it absorbed each drop of water, it started to slow down. Pretty soon it was struggling to stay aloft.
3...
2...
1...
"Meteor Kick!" Ranma roared out as he flew down from out of nowhere with his leg outstretched and the blade of his foot directed at the paper demon. Halfway through the dive, he changed forms when he entered the artificially induced rain.
She slammed into the paper monster with the force of a truck, delivering a tremendous amount of kinetic energy in the process. For one brief moment time stopped; it was almost like she was standing on solid ground. It was this solid purchase that allowed her to rebound gracefully off of the monster.
The instant her foot left the demon, time continued once again and the rain stopped when Soun landed with a thud.
The demon was gone, shattered to pieces by Ranma's attack. Whatever was left rapidly turned to dust.
A shrine miko ran in and stared at the carnage before she collapsed and began to cry as she dug frantically through the dust.
She was the only one, as the rest of the crowd had started cheering.
"Aiyah! Airen so strong!" Shampoo happily shouted.
"Great job Ranchan!" Ukyou seconded.
"Ha ha ha! Do I have the greatest luck or what?" Ranma gloated as she held out her fortune.
"You still have that bo..." the head priestess started to ask before she blinked. "...girl?" she slowly said, correcting herself.
Ranma promptly smirked at her. "Cause my fortune is going to be great this year!"
"Then may Kami prove me wrong." The elderly woman said as she snatched the fortune out of the pigtailed girl's hand.
¤ Scratch scratch. ¤
It was over in moments. Folding it up, she held it out for the young martial artist to take. "I'm truly sorry, child. I wish you better luck next year." She calmly walked off.
Ranma slowly unfolded the fortune. A line has been drawn through the 'great' and a 'ghastly' had been written right next to it.
Ghastly Fortune
"Noooo!" she cried out as she fell to her knees, clutching the altered fortune tightly in her fist.
-o-o-o-o-o-
"Are you ready to go, Ranma-kun?" Kasumi asked the depressed pigtailed girl in a friendly voice.
"..."
Taking the younger girl's silence as a form of agreement, Kasumi gestured slightly toward a sleepy young girl that was leaning heavily against her. "Can you help me carry Hinako-chan?"
While Ranma mechanically reached out to help, Shampoo was just pulling out a slip of paper from the pile of fortunes.
Deftly opening the folded fortune, she took a moment to read it before a brilliant smile filled her face. "Aiyah! Shampoo have great fortune!" She cheered, bouncing up and down happily.
"..."
And then she paused and looked over with a confused expression on her face. "Why Airen give Shampoo funny look?"
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A/N:
I want to hear your thoughts on "smart quotes" in fanfiction. I like smart quotes a lot, so much so that even though I am interested in AbiWord, I refuse to switch until they add it.
Umm...with this story, you can sorta tell how backlogged I am. It was supposed to be finished on New Years as a seasonal gift, but...well, heh...
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Here's to memories of a better time and hope for a better future.
Happy New Year.