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THE "CHOSEN ONE" SPEAKS!
Editor's note: When the opportunity arose to arrange another interview with the Boy Who Lived, especially in light of recent events and the incredible rumors surrounding his involvement in the fiasco at the Ministry of Magic last month, THE QUIBBLER was more than pleased to spare no expense in transporting the famous youth and his so-called revolutionary rabble, including THE QUIBBLER's Editor-in-Chief Xenophilius Lovegood's 15-year-old daughter, Luna, to a secure location where they had the opportunity to report the events of an evening that has been the subject of most fantastical speculation. Given the high-profile nature of this story, we sought out a writer of undeniable quality and prestige. We were fortunate enough to strike an agreement with this famed author's current organization that has allowed us to publish this article in THE QUIBBLER. It is presented here — with only minor expurgations — as it was originally printed in the newly established ST MUNGO'S MESSENGER.
Xenophilius Lovegood, Editor-in-Chief
AWARD-WINNING WRITER GRANTS INTERVIEW TO ASPIRING HEROES
By Gilderoy Lockhart
SECURE LOCATION, LONDON —The wizarding world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as I, Gilderoy Lockhart, famed author and heralded hero, made my long-awaited and triumphant return to the quill. After a mind-clearing period of soul-searching and internal struggle, this international role model feels that it is once more time to break free from the bounds of simply reading the enormously engaging works of my former career to tackle once more the publication of true stories of grand adventure.
My dedicated fans may be disappointed that the events reported here are not, in fact, those of their favorite defeater of death-dealing desperadoes. In truth, this audacious adventurer is currently uncovering the secrets of a wandless lifestyle, but fans can rest assured that, once I am ready to take up my wand, my published works will once more center on my own unmatchable undertakings.
Xenophilius Lovegood, international publisher, contacted my organization last week to request my particular services. With all of the far-fetched rumors and mud slinging surrounding the events at the Ministry of Magic last month, Lovegood was seeking to arrange an interview setting where the young heroes involved in the adventure could speak to an experienced reporter of true terrors and derring-do. I saw the opportunity to lend my considerable credibility to their cause and graciously accepted the opportunity.
I was booked to sign autographs at a private gathering in my organization's social area on the day that Harry Potter and his eager followers were available. This get-together made a perfect setting for the valiant teenagers to relax and enjoy spending time celebrating the deeds that have earned the attention of the wizarding world. Arrangements were made for the youngsters to arrive directly at the signing, bypassing the heavy security of my organization's facilities through the clever use of a Portkey, in fact one of my own rather worn periwinkle ascots.
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My first impression of the youngsters was an overwhelming sense of awe at their confidence. None of them felt the need to wear dress robes, or shower, by all appearances, in spite of the high-profile nature of an event like my photo signing. Hermione Granger, one of Harry Potter's adoring fans and possibly his chief advisor in the area of publicity, was clearly at the mercy of the recent weather. Her hair was larger than the puffed shoulders of the lilac robes that I was sporting that day, which is no small accomplishment. Always beware of humid mornings between March and July, they are murder on a new permanent. That's why I always carry an emergency hair potion kit on my person; I love mine…everyone should own one.
The rest of the group looked just as out of place; clearly they were hesitant to accept the honor, not to mention the pressure, of having me as their personal reporter. They all seemed to look to their lightning-scarred leader for direction. I believe his opening statement, given extemporaneously as his eyes landed on me and my quill, can stand for the entire group's reaction to their good fortune: "You have got to be kidding me!"
Well, it was neither a joke nor a prank, just a very lucky day for six peril-seeking compatriots.
Once the teens had gotten over their initial excitement, we settled in for the serious questions at hand. The wizarding world is crying out for all information on these young rogues. [Ed. Note: This section has been removed. The editorial staff felt that the fashion and relational commentary provided by Mr. Lockhart were not relevant to the mission and goals of THE QUIBBLER.]
Especially worth noting was Harry's control over his followers. No less than six times during the interview, he shot dark looks at his tall and unfortunately-featured friend Ronald Weasley that were clearly intended to silence him. These happened whenever the conversation turned to a certain character that they only referred to as being serious.
Harry obviously understands that, when you're working a crowd, it's best to leave the serious issues unspoken.
This is something of which Mr. Weasley, his constant tag-along, has absolutely no concept. No matter how many times I tried to gather much desired information from the teenagers — their thoughts on having had me as a teacher, for instance — he would roll his eyes and try to talk about the alleged current state of rising evil in the wizarding world. At every opportunity, he worked to push an agenda of resistance and impending war. He is, in this writer's opinion, a reporter's nightmare: all gloom and doom, no mind for the masses whatsoever.
Hermione Granger, a 16-year-old Muggleborn, is slightly more in tune with things. She has been friends with Harry since their first year at Hogwarts, and was quite probably the brightest student whose honor it was for me to teach. I feel justified in saying that her mind truly is as large as her hair. Although she too showed some confusion on realizing that I was to be the writer of their story, she quickly offered her support and excitement. She also, I'm rather pleased to note, left with more than one of my signed photos smuggled beneath her cloak. She clearly has her head on straight and might one day rise above the celebrity of Harry Potter's gang. I would not be surprised to see her tagging along with someone whose status is even as high as my own in the near future. She is, after all, a most impressive witch.
Of Neville Longbottom, on the other hand, there is little to say. Clearly, here is a boy who simply wishes to be more like Harry Potter. In my opinion, Harry has been wise to allow him to be seen with him. It gives the boy an image of humility that every celebrity would do well to maintain.
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Luna Lovegood, the 15-year-old girl from Ravenclaw House, spoke very little. She wore a look that many of my fans bear, one that showed exuberant pleasure at simply being with people that she admires, myself, no doubt, included. Ms. Lovegood had very little to say about the events at the Ministry of Magic. She seemed more interested in the area just above my head, staring at it curiously and, at one point, leaping forward and grasping at the empty air. When I asked her about her involvement with the others, she merely gazed at me and said, "I met most of them this year." I pressed her about why she thought they let her into their rather private and journalistically admired circle. "Oh, I don't think that they really know about any of that." Once again, Harry Potter demonstrates his ability to draw in followers with his forceful humility. Further questioning led nowhere; she finally gave me a confused look and began questioning me about my experience with "rack spurts."
I was unsure what she meant, but it seemed to me that the conversation had become too personal for my sensibilities.
I will report that Ms. Lovegood's questioning caused Ms. Ginny Weasley, Ronald's 14-year-old sister, to fall out of her chair and onto the floor laughing, where she remained for several minutes until Mr. Potter picked her up and we resumed the interview. Of Harry's young groupies, this is the one that the public will want to watch. Though her wardrobe is rather regrettable, especially in combination with the rather unattractive red hair that her family seems cursed to wear, there is fire in her young eyes. I would hate to be caught on the wrong end of Ms. Weasley's wand, even at her young age. Harry Potter is wise to keep someone so fiery and captivating in his circle.
In fact, he could easily draw great media attention by [Ed. Note: Mr. Lockhart's lengthy views on Ms. Weasley's future romantic prospects have been removed. For a copy of the full article, please contact the ST MUNGO'S MESSENGER by owl.]
The group answered very few questions directly, and turned to their leader for any question involving the rumors of the mysterious prophecy. The only answer he gave was that You-Know-Who — whose name Harry speaks rather glibly, an obvious display of bravado — did not get what he was after.
I asked them about the events that had led up to that evening, how they had come to be at the Ministry at all. They all looked at each other silently, until Ms. Lovegood offered, "We flew there on Thestrals."
But why had they left Hogwarts, a school with a strictly closed campus, at all? Again, Luna Lovegood offered the only answer: "Why would we fly hundreds of miles just to end up where we started?"
I decided to throw it all on the line as I put all of my charm into asking if he was, in fact, the Chosen One. Harry Potter narrowed his eyes, thinking in silence for a long moment.
"[You-Know-Who] has been out to kill me most of my life. He's the one who's chosen this life for me, not some prophecy."
Well, Harry Potter may deny it, but his humble, roguish leadership and the unyielding devotion of his followers have definitely made him this writer's Chosen One, and I'm certain that all of the wizarding world reveres this celebrity along with me.
[This article is reprinted with permission from the ST MUNGO'S MESSENGER. The ST MUNGO'S MESSENGER is a weekly newspaper reported directly from St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, and distributed in their fifth floor Visitor's Tea Room and Hospital Shop. The ST MUNGO'S MESSENGER retains all rights and privileges regarding this material. For subscription information, contact St Mungo's by owl.]