"I found a vein!" I screamed, desperately, looking at Anya for approval to inject the girl with Finn's blood. His blood. Something about that makes me want to fall there, on the ground, and give up on saving the girl, and just give up on everything, because there is so little hope that she might be ok that I don't want take it. But Finn's eyes are piercing me and I know I have to try for him, if not for the child.
My fingers are shaking, and when all the blood in the squirt is gone, I just can't bring myself to let it down. I need to know that I'm doing something to save Finn's life, that I've tried everything. He is coming behind me, taking the syringe slowly from my hands. For the next few moments, the silence is torturing me. I want to think about other ways to save that innocent girl but nothing comes to my mind.
Anya is eyeing me with a predator look and I don't know for how much longer I can take it. But when the silence is broken by Tris' breath, finally, I'm letting myself breath too. Somehow, hearing her heavy breathing again makes me think clearer. Hemothorax, this is what she is having. I finally remembered the name.
Slowly, I remember more and more about it. Once I helped my mom with one of her patients. She inserted more than one tube, I think there must have been at least 3. She kept telling me how there was too much blood in the pleural cavity. Suddenly, I know what I have to do next. I know that I can save Tris' life but I can not guarantee she will ever be the warrior Anya trained her to be.
From now on, she might start having panic attacks, she might stop breathing all of the sudden, so many things can happen to her and she will never be safe again and I know I have to tell Anya all of this but it feels like I just got Finn back and that he is mine and that I can take him and leave because I did what I had to do, I saved the girl's life. But I can't do that.
"I need to cut her again."
"No!" Anya answers firmly.
"Listen… I have to. I need to know that her blood is returning to a negative pressure and that it functions normally. Maybe she might need a bit more of Finn's blood and we can't know if we don't cut her now!", I said, trying my best to sound humble, but ending the sentence screaming.
She is exchanging looks with the man that stayed with us. She seems to trust him a lot. And he seems to care for her, want to protect her. He didn't want her to give me her blood. Or was it because they have some kind of beliefs? Or because he doesn't trust us? I would be fine with that. I don't trust them either but their words and promises are everything I have so there is no room for other thoughts.
He is finally giving her the approval look and she turns to me, nodding.
This time, I'm being more careful while cutting, taking more time to make sure that I'm doing it right. I've forgotten how much I used to enjoy it when my mom let me do it. It had always felt like you are opening another door, to another world, full of unknown, a world that is in your hands to save.
The blood is coming out clearer, and looks about the right color to finally tell that for now she is out of danger.
Turning around, it's my time to give Anya the approval look. In the next second, she is holding tight on the girl's hand. She must mean something to her. I want to go and hug Finn but it wouldn't feel right, it wouldn't't feel real, and his arms would only give me false hopes that I don't want anymore. I have to face the reality.
We all spend the next few minutes in silence, the only sounds coming from Tris' breathing, that has been slowing down, coming closer to normal.
After minutes that felt like hours, Anya is finally letting go of Tris' hands. I'm still by the girl's side, carefully studying her face, looking for some kind of pain that she must suffer but it's nothing there and I keep getting lost in my own thoughts and for a moment, before the finale reality hits me, it feels like she is dead, like I killed her and I can not do anything about it.
Anya is suddenly with her hand waiting in the air, for mine. We were shaking them, and I was so lost that didn't't realize what I did until she started talking.
"You saved her. And I'm a woman of my world. So your boyfriend can leave." She said, looking at Finn then back at me.
"What about Clarke?" He is suddenly asking, and I want to punch him in the face in that moment. But I just close my eyes and turn around, facing him. His eyes hold so much that I can't take it and I have to look somewhere else for a few moments.
"Finn… she said you can go. That was the deal, remember?"
"Yeah, but I'm not living without you!"
Why is he being so difficult? I'm ready to speak again, but Anya's cutting me with her harsh tone.
"She can leave too."
Did she just say that? I'm turning back to her, searching for the joke on her face, but she doesn't seem to be the fun kind of person.
"But something tells me she wouldn't." She makes a pause before speaking again. "Follow me." She seems confident that I'm going to choose to stay there and all I can think about is that if she is going to threaten Finn again then she is right, I am going to stay, I have no other choice. I've made a promise to myself that I won't let anyone ever again die because of me. Charlotte's last words have been haunting me all these days and all I can do is hope that she is in a better place than this and pray that she is forgiven for what she did. But what about me? Am I gonna be forgiven for everything I've done?
When I turn to Finn, he is raising his eyebrows at me, but I just shrug and follow Anya outside.
We keep following her in complete silence until I see light in the distance. It has been a long night and I'm not sure what time is it, but for the first time tonight, I'm thinking about the camp, and I'm thinking about Bellamy.
I know he is smart enough to realize the grounders took us and I find myself wondering what is he thinking about, if he is asleep or if he is thinking about me, about us. Me and Finn. Actually, I can't picture Bellamy thinking about Finn as Finn, like any decent person. He is probably all "Space walker" in his head, but I know that he does because I know he cares about every single one of us and I'm just hoping he also knows he has to remain in the camp, instead of pulling the bravado face and coming to look for us.
As we are getting closer to the lights, I can hear laughs and talking and all kind of sounds coming from afar and again it reminds me of the camp, full of teenagers and laughs and life and I'm wondering if I'll get to go there, ever again.
And I'm so deep in my thoughts that I don't realize Anya brought us to the least expected place, the grounders' homes. The first thing I notice in the dim light is that none of them is wearing those ugly masks. Some of them still have the paintings on their faces, but they look so strange to me like that. They are all looking at us like they are afraid, but I know they are just silenced because we came with the leader.
And because she is giving nods of assurance to them while we are following her around their camp. But they are so much more organized. And there are houses made of rocks and tents made of straws and everything looks so secure that I'm starting to get scared. When Anya enters one of them, I follow her, gasping in shock when I see what's inside.