Hot Shots

Hot Shots

Disclaimer: Let's just make it simple and say that I don't own anything. 'Cept Billy-Bob. And Parrot the Parrot. And the Vicious Man Eating Turkey. And Jimmy-Jo the Chinese pirate. And Larry the sea serpent. Nyah.

This was in response to…you guessed it, METMA Mandy's challenge! YAY! The rules go as such:

-someone needs to say "sore wa himitsu desu" which means, "Now that's a secret" in Japanese

-someone's eyeball needs to itch

-it needs to rain cats and dogs…literally…

-a character needs to win 2nd place in something

-it must have a plot

-it needs to be funny

-must include "Ewww…Ron, what did you DO to my BED???"

-must include purple underpants

-and lastly, must include a telemarketer!

YAY! Now sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh till you cry (and then some)… or not…a-hee, hee…and for the people who have seen the movies 'Hot Shots' and 'Hot Shots Part Deux', please tell me if I made this fanfic lean too much toward the plotline of those movies…(I couldn't help it!!!! they were so funny!) uh…whoops…heh heh…

Anyways, in those little blocks of italic writing the person that talks in the quotation marks is my conscience, and the one that isn't in quotation marks is just…me.

March 9, 2001, 9:00 p.m. - Hogwarts

"I sense that something very bad will happen very soon…" muttered Professor Trelawney as she looked into the deep, misty (or foggy, whatever) recesses of her crystal ball. "Yes, yes…the…what?" She looked at the ball in confusion. "My…my bag of chocolate-covered coffee beans will empty by midnight? Damn."

If it hadn't been for that latter statement, Professor Trelawney might've actually gotten one of her many predictions right. Something bad was about to happen. Yes indeedy-do. Something that would take the wizard world by such surprise that not only would they not know what hit them; they would cry their poor, pathetic hearts out and beg for mercy on bended knee. So bad, that even Voldemort couldn't compare to it. And it did not involve chocolate-covered coffee beans. Yes, you guessed it, the---

"Don't give it all away…"

Okay then. Where were we?

"The Professor…"

Oh. Right.

Professor Trelawney sighed and covered the crystal ball with a black velvet blanket. She took her wand, muttered, "Lumos", and then headed towards her room. After shuffling about in the corridors for some time, she fumbled at the lock on the door to her bedroom/office. She yawned loudly and smacked her lips.

And then, WHAM!

Something heavy and wooden had hit her on the head and her wand fell to the stone floor with a muffled tappity-tap-tap. Sibyl herself had fallen to the floor like a penny does when you throw it off the top of the Empire State Building. Like a brick. Two slightly hairy and tanned hands grabbed her hair and dragged her into the shadows.

And thus was the first victim of…the---

"I told you not to give it away."

Fine. Be that way.

"Oh, shut up and stop pouting…"

I'm not pouting.

"Yes you are."

Just let me get on with the story, will you?

"Fine…"

Thank you so much…

"You're welcome."

March 10, 2001, 11:31 a.m. - Auror Headquarters

"Atten-HUT!" yelled the Head Auror.

All of the aurors filed into a straight line in front of him and yelled, "Sir!"

The Head Auror (whose name happened to be Robert) smiled and began to pace in front of them, every now and again pausing to purposefully breath in another auror's face.

"It has come to my attention," started Robert in a fierce whisper that could be heard because, well, he had that type of voice, "that one of the teachers at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been kidnapped," he paused for a moment, savoring the suspense of all of the other aurors. After waiting for about five minutes, he said, "Yes. Professor Sibyl Trelawney, Divination teacher, was kidnapp…"

Two voices from the back of the line suddenly yelled, "ALRIGHT! SHE'S GONE! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!"

Robert blinked, and stared at the two teenagers in the back. They were new, their names were Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, or something like that.

Robert strutted over to them, slowly, and smiling. Harry and Ron were still whooping for joy, but now they had added a little dance to the number.

"Have something to add to our conversation, then, boys?" asked Robert as he got to maybe a yard or two in front of them.

Harry and Ron stopped partying and snapped to attention.

"Uh…um…no sir, no…" Ron said awkwardly. Robert stepped in front of Ron and started to breathe in his face.

"It seemed that you had a lot to say…" Robert breathed. Ron's eyes starting watering, and then, right when he started to look as if he would turn green, he turned around and started coughing like there was no tomorrow. Harry, who took the hint, handed Robert a tic-tac.

"Um…breathe friendly?" Harry joked timidly. Robert looked at the tic-tac suspiciously, looked up at Harry, smiled evilly, and turned to the rest of the aurors.

"Please, my good fellows, wish the best of luck to the ones who will find Sibyl Trelawney!"

All of the aurors clapped and whistled appreciatively.

Harry's eyes widened. "But we don't want…"

"Of course you don't, but I do! Now pack your things, you're apparating first chance you get!"

"But…"

"NOW!" roared Robert.

"Jeez, fine…"

"File out, everybody!" Robert yelled casually to the remaining aurors. "Oh, and boys?"

"Sir?"

"I would like you to apparate to Hogwarts. I believe someone will be there to help you."

Harry looked at him and blinked. "But sir, you just appointed us to this mission about five seconds ago…"

"Is that a problem, Potter?"

"No sir…" Harry sighed.

"Good. Now run along, you have a busy day!" Robert said in a tone that reminded you of when you were five years old and your parents were anxious to get you out of the house.

"Um…yes sir…" Ron said meekly.

He and Harry turned and trudged up to their rooms. After walking thirty stories up the stairs (don't ask), they reached the hall where their rooms were. Harry's was on the right side; Ron's was on the left.

Harry pushed open his door and summoned his suitcase out of the closet; he also did a little charm that would make his clothes pack themselves. He threw himself onto his bed (well, technically he didn't throw himself on their, because that's impossible, but I think you get the general idea). About half a second later he jumped up and yelled, "Ewww…Ron what did you DO to my BED?"

Ron, who had been packing his clothes the normal way, since he didn't have a lot anyway (*sniff* poor ickle Ronniekins…), ran in looking completely bewildered.

"What? What'd I do?" he asked curiously.

Harry looked at him and pointed at the bed in anger. "What are those?"

Harry pointed to a very tiny pair of unmistakable purple underpants.

Ron observed them with a cocked head. "Looks like underwear to me." he said plainly.

Harry rolled his eyes. "I know that! How did they get there?"

Ron shrugged. "How should I know?"

At that very same moment, Hedwig flew in, and she was wearing, believe it or not, a tiny pair of pink underpants.

Harry and Ron stared at her, but Hedwig took no notice in them and started to eat a mouse that she had brought in.

"I'm sorry, but that is just plain weird…" Ron said, apparently still in shock.

"How the hell is an owl supposed to get underwear on?" Harry wondered aloud.

Hedwig turned to look at them and said, "Sore wa himitsu desu."

"Oh great, now there are Japanese owls in England…Ron muttered disgustedly.

Hedwig gave him a calculating and disapproving look and said, "Well pardon me for living! Humph!"

"Now she talks…wonderful…" Harry murmured.

Hedwig turned to him with a look of shock. "I thought I was your owl?"

"You are."

"Then why aren't you supporting me?"

"Supporting you in what?" Harry asked.

"Well fine! If you don't know, then I won't tell you!" Hedwig squawked as she turned around and stuck her tail out at them.

"That was really weird."

Of course it was.

"A talking owl?"

I ran out of ideas.

"You're an idiot."

No shit, Sherlock.

"You said a cuss word. Potty-mouth."

Do you want me to censor the cuss words, O one that never cusses?

"Actually, yes. That would be a good idea."

Fine.

"Beep."

Heh heh…

"Beep? Beepin' beep beep! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Beep beepin' beep!"

Still want me to censor it?

"BEEP!!!"

Ugh, fine, I'll stop…just when it was getting to be fun…

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!?!"

You said a cuss word.

"SO?!?!?!"

I rest my case.

"I hate you."

The feeling is mutual.

"Moron."

Can I just tell the story?

"Yeah. But you're still a moron."

Well you're a loser. Now shut up.

"Okie dokie."

Harry and Ron shrugged and went back to packing. About five minutes later they both picked up their suitcases, nodded at each other, and apparated to Hogwarts.

I would just like to point out that Harry and Ron would be twenty if they lived in our time. See, because J.K. started writing the book in 1991, and so that would mean that they graduated in 1998, and they were seventeen, which would mean three years later they would be twenty. You probably already knew that, though.

"I hope you feel better now, moron."

Oh, shut up.

And in a split second, there they were standing in the middle of the Charms corridor. A bunch of ministry workers were standing in a circle arguing about something. A pretty girl with bushy brown hair with a notebook walked over to them and smiled. ("I wonder who that could be?" SHUT UP! "Sheesh, fine O mighty one…")

"Hi guys!" she said brightly. Harry and Ron looked nonplussed.

Her smile drooped a bit. "Don't you remember me?"

Harry looked politely puzzled. Ron, on the other hand, suddenly looked horrified.

"Hermione?" he gasped.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Okay, now THAT was uncalled for."

Yeah, fine, okay, it was. I'll rewrite it…

"Good."

"Hermione?" he gasped.

Hermione's smile lit back up again. "Yep!"

Harry was still looking politely puzzled.

Ron looked at Hermione with a cocked head and a puppy face. "Hermione, why did you leave me?"

Hermione's smile turned into a frown and she sighed. "Oh Ron, that contest got in the way…I'm sorry…"

"Sure you're sorry…riiiiiiiight…"

"But it's the truth! I really did love you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Flashback Thingy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A flashback?"

I had to do one.

"You're never gonna win this challenge."

I do recall telling you to shut up a few minutes ago…

"My lips are sealed."

Thank God.

"Hermione? You are coming with me to London tomorrow, right?" asked an eighteen year old Ron over the noise that was in the Three Broomsticks.

The eighteen year old version of Hermione, who was sipping some butterbeer, said, "Of course, Ron! I wouldn't miss it for the world!"

Madam Rosmerta came over with a tray.

"Who ordered the French fries?" she asked as she picked up a bowl of fries.

Hermione put up her hand. "Me."

She set the fries down in front of Hermione and put an ice cream sundae in front of Ron.

"There you go, dears," Madam Rosmerta said distractedly. Then she hurried off to another table.

They ate in silence for awhile.

Hermione finally spoke up. "Ron?"

Ron looked up. "Hmm?"

"Um, whatever happens, I want you to know that I love you."

Ron shrugged. "Yeah, whatever."

"Ron, I'm serious."

"I know."

Hermione decided to change the subject. "Guess what?"

"What?" Ron asked as he checked out the newspaper.

"I won second place in the 'Who's the Smartest?' contest."

Ron pointed at the paper. "Yeah, it says so right here in the Daily Prophet," he began to read it aloud. 'Ms. Hermione Granger of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry placed 2nd in this year's Who's the Smartest? contest. Ms. Granger is to receive a round-trip to Paris, France.' And---"

Ron suddenly stopped looked at her in horror. Hermione's lip began to quiver. Then she burst out into sobs.

"I'm sorry Ron! I have to go! If I don't everyone will get mad at me!" she cried.

Ron looked puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

Hermione stopped crying. "What are you talking about?"

Ron pointed to the article below the one Hermione was in. "You lost to a Scottish pirate named Billy-Bob, that's what!"

Hermione's eyes widened in horror. "What?"

"You did! Look, it says right here! '1st place was taken by the infamous Scottish pirate Billy-Bob. He will receive round trip tickets for a Carnival cruise line to the Bahamas.'"

Hermione was in shock. "I…I lost…I lost to a guy named…Billy-Bob…"

Ron shrugged. "It isn't the end of the world, you know."

"YES IT IS!" Hermione roared. "I LOST TO A SCOTTISH PIRATE NAMED BILLY-BOB! I LOST TO A REDNECK! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS WHOLE SITUATION?!"

Ron, who had leaned very far back on his chair, said, "Um…no…not really…"

That was the wrong answer. A very wrong answer.

"NO?! THAT'S IT RON, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE MY CONTESTS SERIOUSLY, THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO…LEAVE YOU!"

Hermione took one last swig of butterbeer, ate another French fry, and stormed out of the Three Broomsticks.

As Ron soaked in what had just happened to him, a dark gray rain cloud formed over his head and began to rain on him. After awhile the rain cloud began to roar with thunder and flash with lightning. The rain cloud stayed over Ron's head for approximately three months.

And Ron, who usually doesn't cry, cried. Just the teeniest little bit. Sad, isn't it?

Poor ickle Ronniekins…I'd be nicer to him…

"Oh, be quiet, you're the one who wrote that."

Shut up you idiot.

"I'm not an idiot. You're the idiot."

Thank you!

"You're welcome, idiot."

Thank you again!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Flashback ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ron tapped his foot on the floor and checked his watch absent-mindedly. "Mmm-hmm. Sure you did. Where's the person that's supposed to help us on our little mission thingy?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's me, dung brain."

Ron's face contorted in disgust.

Harry suddenly got the gist of what was going on. "Oh, hi Hermione! How are you?"

She made a face at Ron. "I could be better."

"What're we supposed to do on this mission?" Ron asked impatiently.

Hermione suddenly looked very, very angry. "We have to…have to save Professor Trelawney."

Harry and Ron both groaned right on cue.

"Do we have to?" they both whined.

"Yes."

"Damn."

"Don't cuss."

"Yes ma'am."

"And don't call me ma'am."

"Okay lady."

"I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that." Hermione said as she looked over at a window. She screamed.

"HE'S COMING!"

"Who's coming?"

"THE TELEMARKETER YOU IDIOTS!"

"The what?" Harry and Ron chorused together. They both looked out the window. Cats and dogs were falling out of the sky like…rain.

Hermione gasped for breath and explained, "The telemarketer! He runs the school 'Pigpimples'! His name is Alvin Fumblefore, and he has a pheonix named Kawkes. He's very, very evil! And whenever he travels he makes domestic animals rain from the sky!" Harry and Ron could almost see the little lightbulb hovering over Hermione's head go 'DING' and light up.

"He must be the one behind all of this!" she said excitedly.

Harry and Ron watched a cow fall from the sky. It went 'MOOOOOOOO!" as it passed their window.

"What kind of person in their right minds would make cats and dogs fall out of the sky?" asked Harry.

"A maniac." said Ron plainly.

"It was a rhetorical question, Ron."

"Oh. Okay then."

There was shatter of glass and a shrill scream behind them; Harry and Ron whipped around to see a very skinny and well-groomed man clutching his heart in fear.

"Who just screamed?" Ron asked.

The man leaned against the wall.

"Me," he panted. "I'm terrified of broken glass…"

Ron raised his eyebrows. "Um…okay…"

"Who are you?" Hermione asked.

The man tried to make himself look as dignified as possible. "I am Alvin Fumblefore, headmaster of Pigpimples and telemarketer extraordinare…Which reminds me," he pulled something out from the dark recesses of his black cloak. "Would you like to buy some skin cream? It's a half off specialty this week!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione shook their heads. The man sighed and put it back in his cloak.

"What have you done with Professor Trelawney?" Harry asked reluctantly.

The man looked puzzled. "Professor wossname? I'm afraid I don't know who you're talking about."

"Well, you know, she always predicts people's deaths and crap like that."

"I'm sorry, but I've never heard----" CRASH! "What was that?!"

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

"It's the circus!" cried Harry and Ron. Hermione slapped them both on the back of their heads.

"You're both idiots." she said sharply.

TO BE CONTINUED…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Well it's about freakin' time!"

What? You didn't like it?

"It had it's moments…"

What was your favorite part?

"I don't pick favorites. It's hard to pick a favorite out of something so STUPID!"

You're mean.

"That's what I'm here for."

Oh, shut up.

So…like, hate, like, hate? Take your pick. I'll continue this with the next challenge if I feel like it. Because I'm just lazy. Nyah. Just kidding! I have to finish up that other series I'm doing because it's annoying the heck out of me!!!! ARRRRGH!!!! My conscience is back there saying, "You gonna write it? Huh? ARE YOU GONNA WRITE IT?!?!?! You had better, you buttmunch. Vear. Vear, vear. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY EVERYBODY! (it's a little early. You got a problem with it then, BITE ME! Um, actually no…)

Now review me or I'll sic Billy-Bob, Parrot, Jimmy-Jo (Chinese pirate…heh heh), and Larry the sea serpent on you. And you do NOT want Larry to come after you. Nuh-uh, no way. Billy-Bob's bagpipe is out of tune………………..(THE DOTS HAVE RETURNED!)………………………………..A-hee, hee! Hee? Hee. A-hee hee, hee hee, hee. (translation - Review me.)

buh-bye now!

toodles,

Ron Weasley's Cutie