Nesert: SG1 Seasons 1-5

Nesert II: SG1 Seasons 5-9

Nesert III: SG1 Seasons 9-10, a few dips into SGA, and movies.

"Whenever you're ready," Nes said calmly.

"Best to just get it over with, I suppose." Alpha looked to Nes, who nodded in agreement. "I expect to be amply rewarded for all of this, Sekhmet."

She smiled as she took a seat in an armchair next to the bed. "Of course. I look forward to it more than you know."

With that, Alpha closed his eyes and his face became more strained as the pain began to tighten all of his muscles. He was in agony, but trying to keep silent for as long as possible.

The pain started slowly in the back of their neck before it radiated into the skull. From there it spread to the rest of their body, fire and needles and knives and broken bones. Tessa felt her own little corner catch fire and burn away, shoving her forward into the full force of agony, and the scream for a moment seemed to be symbiote and host as both minds were in control and tormented together.

Tessa could hear Sekhmet's scream start to slip away as her own voice gained dominance, but it felt empty and distant, things were missing, and in the midst of the pain she couldn't think enough to pinpoint what was wrong. The pain began to fade away, first from their hands and feet, being pulled back towards their core, the tide sliding off the beach, but the pain in their head only morphed into an intense ache, pulling Tessa under the waves she could no longer tread.

Nes hated it. She hated seeing her own experiences from the outside and finally a scream poured out of Alpha's mouth that filled her own body as well.

He was killing himself and didn't even realize it.

Eventually, the scream hollowed out and softened, and she could hear the deep despair and loss within it. She closed her eyes against it, but it still tightened her chest with the memories of Sekhmet's and her own torment.

I've already said we're the same. We're one.

The emotions whirled in her head and body, mixing until she could no longer distinguish which had belonged to her and which had been left behind by the goa'uld.

Fear, disgust, hope, despair, hatred, bitterness, determination, resolve, then back through all of them again.

She was breathing hard now, grasping at Sekhmet's superior control, though she found her goa'uld side seemed resistant to provide comfort for her in these moments, instead shoving forward sorrow, shame, loathing, and desperation. Sekhmet's feelings at the end.

Alpha's eyes opened, tears spilling down the sides of his face, and he stared up at the ceiling, his breathing trying to normalize. Nes remembered that moment. That horrible and beautiful and destructive and creative moment.

I'm alone.

This was where the true struggle may lie.

"What did you do to me?" His voice was raw and thick and he turned his eyes to lock onto hers.

Nes simply stared, grasping her hands together to stop the shaking, too afraid to voice any of her thoughts and questions.

"You're not Sekhmet," he finally said.

She still kept silent. She needed to steady her breathing. She needed to find Sekhmet's calm.

"He's gone." He closed his eyes. "Alpha's gone." He turned his head to look at her again, this time with accusation. "You tricked him."

Defensiveness finally forced her to speak in a sharp tone. "And you're upset about that."

"Yes! No. What did you do to me?!" His breathing quickened again and she could see the panic taking over.

Nes didn't want to watch and remember her own first days, so she finally rose and grabbed the syringe she'd already prepared and injected it into his arm. It calmed him quickly, forcing him to trudge through a muddy mind. She should have thought to provide a lesser dose for herself, but even just the simple task of drugging him seemed to finally give her the ability to distance herself from what she'd just witnessed, from what she'd just been forced to remember.

"What's your name?" Nes needed to have a name to mentally refer to, needed something to call him other than 'Alpha.'

"Adaarbal." He choked out the name with disgust. "Ba'al is powerful."

"Why don't I just call you Adaar then? How long were you Ba'al's host, Adaar?"

He shook his head. "Two thousand one hundred forty-seven years."

Nes drew in a breath of shock. She hadn't realized Ba'al had used him for that long. What had she done?

His eyes went wide. "That's not my memory…what did you do to me?" He tried to sit up and flopped back onto the bed in frustration. "Untie me, Sekhmet!" He looked over at her again. "Tessa. You're Tessa James."

Her old name conjured up old emotions. "I used to be."

"But now you're like...this."

Nes nodded.

"There's too much space...I can't...you should have just killed us!" Even with the drugs in his system, the change was too much for him and he was spiraling out of control.

"Adaar," she said calmly but loudly as she came over, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Adaar, you need to breathe. Pull up Alpha to help you get control again."

"Pull him up?" His eyes were full of alarm at her suggestion.

"Think back to when he calmed himself when upset. Remember how he would exert that control over your body. Do what he did."

Adaar closed his eyes and Nes took hold of his hand. He flinched away initially, but then grasped tightly to her. She had to take her own advice, pulling up Sekhmet as she stared at the palms and fingers holding onto one another. What had she done?

Slowly, his breathing began to normalize and his muscles relaxed. When Nes looked up, his eyes were now filled with curiosity and she quickly released his hand and stood to get away.

"Good," she said as she sat down in the chair again, flexing her fingers to attempt to rid herself of the need to resume the contact. "Better now?" She kept her eyes away from his, smoothing away unseen wrinkles in her pants.

"The Goa'uld have been wrong about She'kets," he said quietly.

Disgust. Filth. Shame. Double.

"Yes."

"Everyone has been wrong about She'kets."

Destroy. The pouring of molten metal into a cast. Loathing. Cutting off. Devour.

"Yes." Nes wrapped her arms around herself and finally let her eyes lock onto his again. "It's not the goa'uld who takes over."

Joining. Silence. Ending.

He took a deep breath. "It's the host."

Abomination.

Nes nodded.

"How long have you been like this?" His voice held so much confusion and fear and Nes began to push her fingernails into her palm to distract her from the memories that pressed on her mind.

"About six years now." How had it been that long?

"You act just like her."

Her defensiveness sprang up again, but she took the necessary moments to calm and respond. "Around you...Alpha. Around Ba'al."

"I still have all of his memories. All his knowledge, his...feelings, his wants, his needs."

"Those won't go away, unfortunately, but you can learn to control them somewhat."

He looked up at the ceiling for a while before quietly telling her he was tired. Nes could see the weariness that had sunk onto him. She remembered that. But was he really Adaar? Was he still more Alpha? There was no real way to know. She could feel the change in him. She knew his symbiote was gone, but if he was like her...Alpha was still very much a part of him and she was unsure how strong Adaar would be at fighting his influence, especially after so very long as a host.

"Would you like to shower and change before sleeping?" She tried to keep the hesitancy out of her voice, but his face demonstrated that she hadn't done a good enough job.

"You'll release me?"

"I'll have to eventually."

Adaar nodded and raised his wrists as far as possible in a small gesture of hope. She came forward slowly, both individuals keeping their eyes trained on one another, both potential threats to the other.

She undid the restraints on his ankles first and then moved to his wrists. He stayed perfectly still, understanding that she was now even more of a danger to him in his weakened state.

"The bathroom is through that door and everything you need should be in there. I'll grab some clothes for you."

He got up slowly from the bed, his muscles clearly tired and sore and Nes waited until she heard the water running before leaving the room to gather what she needed. Adaar took quite a long time, which wasn't surprising, but somewhere along the way, Nes' hands had found a scrap of paper.

She'd done the right thing. She'd done the wrong thing. Right thing. Wrong thing. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong.

A noise from the bathroom halted her back and forth, and her eyes now saw that the bedroom floor was littered with the tiny pieces she'd been ripping apart. She dropped to her knees in a panic, desperately trying to rid the room of the evidence of her lack of control, of her internal argument.

The water shut off and Nes lunged for the last few scraps, scrambling to her feet and hastily shoving the paper into her pockets, just as the bathroom door opened. Adaar came out into the bedroom in a towel looking much more refreshed.

He caught her eyes on him and Nes was suddenly struck with the horror of the things she'd done to Adaar's body, both pain and pleasure. Things he had never been a part of, but witnessed all the same, and she was filled with an intense level of shame and guilt.

"Do you need anything else? Otherwise I'll let you get some rest."

She'd known his face for three years now, but never known Adaar and she needed to get away from him, needed a chance to fix the dam that had sprung a leak. She would drown staying here.

"Actually...I'm hungry."

Nes blushed. "Of course...I didn't exactly feed you well the last few days…" The things she'd done to him! "What would you like?"

It was a simple question, but Nes watched as his body grew weary and he sat down onto the bed. "I haven't decided what to eat in...well, in two thousand one hundred forty-seven years. I haven't decided anything."

Nes wanted to retreat, but she forced herself to stand still and simply wait for him to move past the despair on his own. She couldn't help him there, and it was better for him to learn to regulate his emotions on his own anyway.

Eventually he rose and ran his fingers through his hair and Nes again had to push back the guilt that rose up in her throat. "Why don't you get dressed and just come find me in the kitchen?"

He nodded with a small smile and she turned quickly to leave, shutting the door and leaning against the wall for a moment to pull up Sekhmet's control to push down everything she couldn't handle. More than two thousand years and now she'd done this to him! How was he even intact at all?

She needed a drink. Preferably more than one.

Adaar joined her just as she was slamming back a second glass of wine and he raised an eyebrow, but didn't speak as she turned to face him.

Nes went quickly to the fridge and pulled out various dishes for him to choose from. "I can always go pick up something else if none of this works."

He held up a hand dismissively. "This is fine. It all looks good." He ended up selecting a simple sandwich and paired it with a beer while Nes flitted around the kitchen nervously, trying to keep her hands and mind busy enough to ignore him.

He ate quickly and then another sandwich was also gone in just a few minutes.

What had she done to him!

"Thank you. I feel much better now."

Nes just nodded dumbly. The wine had dulled the intensity, the sharpness of her mind and memories, and she could feel herself retreating, choosing numbness over pain.

"Where are we? You never told me...us...Alpha."

"Spain."

His eyes glazed slightly and she guessed he was hunting for information about their location in Alpha's knowledge. "I have memories of this area, though I'm guessing it's very different now."

Again she nodded, unsure of how to interact with him. It felt entirely too dangerous to be anything but fully Sekhmet, and yet, she couldn't do that. Not now. Not with him.

"Do you mind if we go outside?" His mannerisms were so different and it made her even more uneasy.

"Of course." She guided him out a side door that led to an incredible view of the green hills rolling out away from the stone villa.

"It's beautiful. I can see why you bought this house."

"Yes, it's one of my favorites. It was one of Sekhmet's as well."

"How do you sort it out? The memories all feel like mine."

"It gets easier in some ways, but everything just...mixes."

"And you don't call yourself Tessa anymore?"

"No, I started going by Nesert...Nes about a year afterwards."

"One of Sekhmet's names."

Nes nodded. "I'd just spent a long time pretending to be her and then, when I thought I'd escaped, the Tok'ra asked me to be her again. I felt more like Sekhmet than Tessa, so it only seemed natural to rename myself accordingly."

"And now? Who do you feel like now?"

She stared out over the hills and took a few deep breaths. "I don't know. I know who I want to be, but it seems I keep ending up as Sekhmet again."

They both went silent, breathing slowly, thinking, trying to form questions they weren't sure they wanted the answers to, and looking out at the grass and sky with their own eyes, directing their gazes wherever they wanted, a luxury to two former hosts.

Nes noted his shoulders beginning to sag and suggested he go lie down. It had been an incredibly long and difficult day for him. For her, too.

She led him back up to his room, as he couldn't remember which way he'd gone to get to the kitchen earlier.

"Do you need anything else?" Nes' fingers fidgeted, so terribly uncomfortable around him now and unable to use her normal techniques in handling him.

"Thank you," Adaar said as he stood in the doorway.

He shouldn't be thanking her. He should hurt her, kill her.

Nes didn't respond and he took a step to close the gap Nes had intentionally left. "Thank you for freeing me."

She hadn't freed him. She'd destroyed him.

Nes began to step backwards, but Adaar slipped a hand around her waist.

"Adaar, I should go."

"Don't leave yet." His voice had taken on the seductive undertones that Ba'al sometimes used and Nes' body froze against it. He brought his other hand up to her face and kissed her gently, but Nes didn't return his affection. Was this Adaar or Alpha? Or Ba'al? Did he want Sekhmet or Nes? Perhaps even Tessa?

"Adaar, I don't know you."

His eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened and Nes began to see Alpha looking back at her. "That never stopped you from kissing me before."

"I'm sorry." She knew he could hear her fear. "You're right...but I'm not sure what else I could have done and still maintained the facade." She needed to get away. Her own guilt and shame had distracted her from the threat he still was. Alpha was not gone any more than Sekhmet was.

He smirked at her. "Well, here's your chance to make it up to me."

Gone was any pretense as he kissed her hard, but when she still resisted, Nes could feel his anger intensify. He was Alpha now just as fully as when she handed herself over to Sekhmet's personality.

"So you were content to kiss me when it was Ba'al or Alpha controlling me? But not now? Not when I'm in control?"

Panic began to shake her voice. "You're not, Adaar. You're not in control." He would kill her again. She had to get away!

"Perhaps Alpha had the right idea back in the garage." The threatening tone in his voice was soon mirrored by his hands roughly dragging her into the room and tossing her towards the bed.

"Adaar! Please!" Nes yelled as she tried to push him away, but he only held onto her tighter. "Adaarbal! Fight him. Fight Alpha. Please!"

He pulled back, his face pale and filled with horror. "What did you do to me?" He rolled off her and Nes jumped up and away from the bed, moving towards the door.

"You've turned me into a monster!" Adaar got up and slowly walked towards her, his voice shifting deeper automatically with the intense emotion he felt. "All that time as his host, at least it wasn't really me doing any of those things, but now...you've turned me into HIM!"

Nes kept backing towards the door, stumbling over her own feet as her legs threatened to give out, but he kept pursuing her, kept hold of her eyes as he came towards her again. What had she done?

"Do you have any idea the things he made me do? The people I watched my hands kill, the women I...my own wife. I had to watch him with my wife! And you made me into HIM!"

Nes was dumbstruck by the change, but the shame and guilt she'd felt earlier came rushing back.

"Why? Why would you do this to me? You should have killed me!"

Nes began to shift her hand toward her bracelet. She had to get away. Adaar saw the movement, though, and sprung forward suddenly, anger quickening his reflexes. He grabbed her wrist and got a hand around her throat, pushing her out the door and against the wall.

"You don't get to escape that easily, my dear," he said with a low growl. "Tell me why you did this! Did you just want someone else to suffer with you? Were you tired of being the only She'ket? WHY?"

Nes tried clawing at his hand, but his fury left no room for noticing anything beyond his own thoughts. It was only as she began to cough and gasp for air that his eyes went wide and flashed again. He released her very suddenly and she collapsed to the floor, grabbing at her throat and taking big gulps of air.

Adaar yelled in rage and grabbed a vase from a table to throw down the hall, shattering it, before sliding down the wall across from her to sit, his head in his hands. They sat there for a long time, Nes occasionally coughing and massaging her neck, and when Adaar looked up, his face was tear stained and his eyes pleaded with her.

"Why? Why did you do this to me?"

Nes sighed and covered her own face for a few moments before looking up at the ceiling and responding in a shaking whisper. "Curiosity."

"Curiosity? You did this to me simply to satisfy your own curiosity?"

"I'm sorry." Her voice broke and she had to quickly blink away tears. Those would drown her even faster. "I wasn't entirely sure I even was a She'ket, just that that's what Sekhmet was trying to do. And I...I didn't think of how it would be different for a...a regular host."

"A regular host?"

Nes let her hand drag down her face. "Sekhmet interacted with me, even gave me control when it suited her." She pulled up enough courage to look at him directly. "She'd turned me into a monster long before I ever became a She'ket."

Adaar raised an eyebrow at her admission. "You want me to be Alpha, don't you? To go back to Ba'al."

She looked back at the floor, exhaustion replacing panic, despair replacing hope. "That was the plan, but you don't have to."

"No?"

"I'm not a goa'uld, Adaar." Was that even true? "You're free to do as you please."

"He needs to be stopped."

"I agree, but he's not your responsibility."

"He's not yours either."

"I should have killed him on Asdad." Nes couldn't help but smirk. "Well, left him dead. Made sure he couldn't be revived." The smirk faded. "I was a coward."

"You would have killed me, too, then," he said quietly.

"Yes...I was going to kill you both after the betrayal on Dakara, too. The clones complicated matters."

"That was the idea." He gave her his own smirk, Ba'al's smirk, Alpha's smirk, and Nes sighed in frustration as she tried to figure out how to interact with the man across from her.

"I just see Alpha and Ba'al in front of me," she finally said.

"And I just see Sekhmet." He leaned forward with a dark look. "And all the things Ba'al and Alpha wanted to do to you." He drew in a deep breath and his body relaxed into it. "You should leave."

Nes nodded. She understood. Alpha would be back if she stayed. "Will you be here when I come back in the morning?"

"Yes. Just go." He started to grit his teeth and Nes quickly climbed to her feet and pressed the blue stone on her bracelet to beam away.

What had she done?