Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.
Neji Hyuuga, currently at the age of twenty-five, engaged to Itachi Uchiha in what he calls a 'lucky arranged marriage' and today, February fourteenth he is doing what he usually does on week days. He works.
It is a dull job he finds himself in, a mediocre city and apartment he calls home and both his friends and fiancé do not succeed in truly making him feel alive.
In his life, there haven't been a lot of moments during which he had actually felt the sensation of living and wanting to live. To get out of bed in the morning and have something to look forward to.
When he was a kid, without both worry and grief, he did feel alive. Because back then he had his parents whose death had almost brought him to ruins. Back then he was loved, cared for and looked after instead of being pushed to go to heights he never ambitioned. To be part of a name rather than being his own self.
And, he could never help but think longingly, back then he still had Shikamaru.
His best friend, his anchor to the world, his comfort when he had needed that and one day the boy just disappeared. He never returned and no-one seemed to care, telling Neji it would be for the best and that he would make Shikamaru proud by moving on. Neji had disagreed, fought and yelled against his family as only a little child could do.
Yet nowadays, years later and Shikamaru but a memory amongst many, the rushes of joy and the feeling of belonging awakened within him whenever he had been near Shikamaru were long forgotten. Or perhaps, buried for he did not still have those feelings. Lost the ability to feel them due to his heart growing cold and his countenance distant.
It had been an inevitable effect evoked by a simple cause. A lack of human contact, humans that cared, and instead forced to obey a family that did not love him. A family who saw his merits, strengths and forced him to leave behind any weaknesses. Weaknesses that made him feel, made him able to care and which, above all, made him human.
Because all Neji did was live his life the way people expected him to. Do the required things such as eat, drink, sleep and – of course – work. Yet that did not fail to make him feel like a bad extract of what he could be, what life could truly be.
And perhaps he felt like that because he lost his parents, because all imagination and joy of living had been taken away from him the moment his family started paving the golden way to success for him. A golden way he would rather not walk but was expected to. Forced to, if he wished to be able to live at all.
And sometimes he found himself wishing he had met Itachi in an earlier stage in his life. When he still felt he could fall in love with the beautiful, long-haired man that obviously did love him.
Yet Neji did not feel as if he could ever return that love. Not in the way Itachi hoped for even though the dark-haired lawyer never voiced such concerns.
And Neji thought himself cruel. Hanging onto their engagement while knowing that even though he liked Itachi, love would never be a possibility.
And what for?
For his family, for the sake of blending in and living a normal life that would completely pass him by as the scenery would while riding a train.
Many a time Neji found himself wondering, though. Why was it that he could not love Itachi? The man was everything anyone would want in a partner even though it took a while to see through the aloof and seemingly careless appearance the man radiated.
Itachi Uchiha came close to the meaning of perfection and even though Neji knew, he could not love perfection.
But wasn't it perfection everyone wanted so badly? Reached out for and would happily die when they had obtained it? If that was true then why, with perfection just within his reach, did Neji still not step forward to claim it like every other person would?
Because even though he was more like a robot repeating the same movements it was told to make over and over again, he was still human. He still had to have the ability to love.
Yet it was almost as if it had disappeared.
"Neji,"
A voice, slightly rough around the edges yet laced with a familiar comfort that had Neji shiver, sounded through the air and the long-haired man blinked.
Silently Neji took in his surroundings. The forest he stood in calling back memories which cluttered his mind like a crowd waiting to enter a train, everyone pushing to get inside first. He brought a hand up to rub his temple, fighting a migraine, while his eyes took in the man in front of him while he trembled, an unbidden gasp passing his lips.
"S-Shikamaru!" Neji called out, stepping forward as if entranced.
Before him stood the man he had felt was his life when he was yet a child, the man that at that time had been a child as well. But oh, how he had grown and Neji was unfamiliar with the feelings swirling inside of him, raging a battle within him that made his heart leap. Yet at the same time, it was all so familiar.
And that was when he knew. When he remembered.
When he was with Shikamaru he felt alive. It had been like that when he had been a child and now, with having missed the other for so many years that feeling returned and Neji gasped because of it.
Shikamaru, long hair brushing almost gently against the sides of his face, took one step forward and reached out a hand to brush it over Neji's cheek. "Perhaps your ability to truly love was stolen from you." He murmured.
Neji swallowed, the feeling of Shikamaru's hand leaving a burn on his skin and a fire scorching on his insides. "Stolen?" He whispered in reply.
"Yes," Shikamaru nodded and then chuckled, a deep rumbling sound that reached Neji's core. "And I was the thief."
Gasping Neji took a step back. "W-what?"
This feeling within him, he knew what it was because it was undeniable. Yet he could not love this man. He hadn't seen Shikamaru since when he was but seven years old and at that age, one didn't love in such a way.
It was frightening to suddenly be overwhelmed with such feelings. Feelings he had never felt before yet which he could not help but feel were familiar. Did that mean he had loved Shikamaru all along? That maybe his heart knew about it yet his mind needed to catch up? Was that why he could not love Itachi? Because his heart was already taken...
"You feel it," Shikamaru invaded Neji's personal space, his gaze fixed on Neji's opalescent eyes while his hand reached out to stroke pale skin again. "I know you do, your eyes are a mirror to your soul."
"Why are you here?" Neji demanded albeit softly and he couldn't help but shiver under the touch that was so tender. "Where have you been?"
Shikamaru laughed softly. "You didn't need me at that time, Neji."
Reality kicked back in and shrugging Shikamaru's hand off Neji stepped back with a cautious countenance. "We were seven at the time." He hissed. "I do not believe you were that perceptive even if it was the truth. What is going on here?"
A sigh passed Shikamaru's lips and he shook his head. "Troublesome," he muttered before turning to look at Neji again. "I came back. For you." He stepped forward and hugged Neji close, his fingers threading through long hair. "I missed you," Shikamaru breathed.
Shuddering Neji tried to push the other away yet his defence was weak. "I- whatever. I have a fiancé now." He tried weakly.
Although if he were honest Itachi was merely an excuse to get away from Shikamaru. Because Neji felt as if he was drowning, completely taken by the other man with such a force he was left defenceless.
"Yet you don't love him," Shikamaru's voice was rougher all of a sudden and his grip on Neji tightened. "Why –" he swallowed. "You love me. I know you do. Otherwise I wouldn't be here."
Neji's heart ached at Shikamaru's tone, at the way the other now grasped at him in what seemed to be a fear of Neji leaving.
And he couldn't deny that Shikamaru was speaking the truth. He did love the other yet he did not know why. He had no reasons whatsoever for loving this man yet the feeling within him was so strong he felt like running to Itachi and tell the man their engagement was over.
"I... I do." Neji admitted softly, shyly almost and he raised his opalescent eyes to watch Shikamaru. "But I don't know who you are anymore, where you have been and Itachi..." he trailed off.
His family wouldn't be amused in the least when Neji would not marry Itachi anymore.
Shikamaru chuckled. "Itachi and I can work things out. I'm sure he will understand."
Shikamaru cupped Neji's cheeks. "Love me, Neji. Love me and live again." He spoke softly, tenderly and a small smile formed on his lips.
"I..." Neji hesitated.
He would betray Itachi, his family and all for what? For being together with the person he loved. Being with the person that made him feel alive even though he hadn't the slightest clue who that person was anymore.
And then lips were pressed against his, banning every thought from his mind and with a soft gasp Neji hugged Shikamaru close, palms pressing idly against the other's back as a happiness like none other enveloped him.
"Neji?"
The long-haired man froze as a soft voice reached his ear. Someone was calling out for him yet he was quite certain no-one but Shikamaru was around.
Yet with Shikamaru's hands stroking down his back the thought was discarded and when Shikamaru pulled away from the kiss Neji couldn't help but shiver and want those lips back on his again.
"Live again, Neji." Shikamaru said, his voice near pleading and a hand stroking through Neji's hair.
Neji opened his eyes, which he hadn't realized he'd closed, and looked at the man in front of him.
Maybe, that wouldn't be so bad after all. It was what he had wanted after all.
"Yes," he agreed, his tone happier than it had been in years. "If you stay this time."
"I will," the brown-haired man agreed, his hazel eyes shining happily as he pulled Neji in for another kiss.
"Shikamaru..." Neji murmured before their lips touched.
"Shikamaru? Who is Shikamaru?"
Itachi stood at the hospital bed, a frown marring his features as he stroked his fiancé's pale skin which was covered with bandages.
Neji was lucky, having survived such a car-accident and Itachi had nearly cried when hearing the other would turn out to be all right.
Truly, he had not a clue what he would do without Neji even though his love was not returned. He didn't care. Because as long as he could do things to make Neji happy, he was content.
Yet to have the man he loved call out another man's name while rousing from his narcoses-induced sleep was not something he had expected and he turned to watch Neji's uncle, Hiashi, with an almost pained frown.
Hiashi had paled the moment he had heard the soft murmur escape his nephew's mouth and he raised a trembling hand to his temple. "Shikamaru... was Neji's imaginary friend up until he was seven." He said, his voice uneven.
Itachi turned back to Neji. "Imaginary friend?" He murmured and wondered what was going on inside Neji's head that the other would call out that name.
It was hours later when Neji woke up and surprise and disorientation had been quick to set in.
"Where am I?" He asked, his voice raspy.
Itachi was quick at his fiancé's side and he grasped Neji's hand with a relieved expression. "At the hospital." He said and explained what had happened to Neji, yet he left out the part where the other had called his imaginary-friend's name. He did not see it necessary.
"I'm so glad you are all right." Itachi finally sighed, Neji's hand still clasped in his.
Neji's hand drew into a fist underneath Itachi's gentle touch and he lowered his opalescent eyes, his gaze flittering across the room where Shikamaru lounged in a chair with a knowing smile on his face. 'Itachi would understand' Shikamaru had said.
"Itachi..." Neji began softly and, swallowing, raised his eyes to look at Itachi with a mournful expression. "Shikamaru came back." He whispered.
Itachi blinked. "Shikamaru came back?" He echoed. What the hell was going on?
Neji nodded, worrying his lip and looking at Shikamaru. "Yes." He muttered. "I love him."
Following Neji's gaze Itachi was met with an empty chair and his heart clenched at the sight. No, he thought while turning back to Neji and smoothing his hair, what happened to you?
Itachi swallowed, the one hand that was not holding Neji trembling as he leaned down to kiss the crown of his fiancé's head. "Our engagement is one of convenience so it cannot be broken. We have contracts." He said.
"I..." Neji whispered, lowering his head and drawing in a shaky breath. He knew there were contracts.
"But..." Itachi added, Neji's withdrawal from his touch paining him more than an imaginary-friend ever could, "I am sure Shikamaru and I can work something out."
And he was willing to put up with an imaginary-friend that held Neji's heart. If it meant that Neji could be happy he would bear it, protect Neji from scorn by marrying him and pretending it was him Neji loved while behind closed doors it would only be empty space that held Neji's heart.
And he would do that, because Neji had never shown Itachi the loving and tender smile now directed at an empty chair.
The End