Lindy Young
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, this is just for fun. If I did there would have been more smexy time on screen.
Author's note: So this story is intended to be vague. It's from Kirk's point of view but whether it's Spock or Bones who he is addressing is up to you to figure out. This is my first angst fic so hope it turned okay. Definitely not my type of norm category.
Never, in any of the possible scenarios I had imagined, would it ever have ended like this. I reach my hand out to brush atop the marble. I can feel the cold it reflects, biting through to my skin despite the fact that I'm wearing gloves. Letting it linger there for a few more moments, I reluctantly withdraw when my hand begins to tremble. As it retreats I realize perhaps that it is not from the cold alone as it spreads to my body. It takes me a few seconds to notice that tears have begun to fall from my eyes, burning my face as the wind blows against the tracks. Wiping at them harshly, whatever façade of strength I've been presenting fades away as my body crumples in despair. Knees crashing to the ground, the pain doesn't even register as breathing becomes a daunting task.
I glare bitterly at your name reflected before me. Hate floods my body drowning out part of what has only been misery and bleakness till this moment. What gave you the right? What made you think this was would I would have wanted? More tears begin their descent down my cheeks but I ignore them the same as the rest my surroundings. Snapping forward I began to beat my hands against the decretive stone. I hate it! I hate you! I hate that you took that decision away from me! I hate that you left me!
A gentle touch upon my shoulder and all my anger dissipates. Strength drained, I slump back from your final monument. I hear movement behind me and arms wrap around by body. I reach up to grasp desperately at the arms as sobs rack my body. I cling to their strength as if it would keep me grounded. They seem to realize exactly what I need without a word ever leaving my lips for their arms clench even tighter that it's almost painful.
After what seems like hours to me, I eventually begin to slow in my tears. The tremors throughout my body begin to decrease and breathing is no longer such a daunting task. The presence from behind me starts to withdraw but I refuse to let go. I cling to the clothed arm; only just now realizing I have stained it with blood. I don't even care at this point, I just don't want to be left alone with you. I laugh bitterly to myself as but an hour ago I wanted nothing but to join you. I know that's not what you would want, that you wouldn't want me here sitting soaked in the snow at your grave but I don't care. I didn't want you dead and you went and died anyway so screw you.
Was it so selfish to have wanted you both forever in my life? I cared, no care, for you both equally. The feelings for both of you are as different as each of the snowflakes that hit my face but the levels are the same. I had pictured my future with both of you forever by my side, friend and lover. Guess I should have realized sooner. Luck nor fate have ever been very kind to me so I should have known this recent string of happiness couldn't last.
I'm so very tired of it all. I can feel my muscles cramping in my back and lower legs so bad that a fire seems to be spreading through my body despite the wind that still licks at my face. Letting out a stuttered breath, I begin to shake the arms off me gently as I clumsily begin to rise. I can feel their presence hovering, and it comforts me. Reaching forward, I trace my fingers over the letters as I prepare to leave.
I know you would want me to move on, to be happy once again. I will try eventually, that's all I can give you for now. I still need time to mourn. Rest assured that they will help as well. Imagining you coming back just to haunt them if the failed in that task makes my mouth twitch in the glimmer of a smile. A promise to return is what I will leave you with now for it seems all I can do. Lips to stone, cold staining already chapped lips.
Harshly brushing away any lingering tears, I turn around to finally face my company. Despite it all, I still didn't want them to see any evidence upon my face. I tentatively reach forward and without any sound they grasp the message and reach forward to clasp my hand in theirs. Hand in hand, we begin our trek out of these sacred grounds to return to those who are waiting on us. Perhaps a candle still flickers in the dark after all.