Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age, it belongs to the creative geniuses at Bioware

Chapter One: The Adventures of Elissa Sue

Elissa Cousland strutted into the main hall of Castle Cousland with the grace of a stalking panther. "You sent for me, Father?"

Teyrn Bryce brightened visibly at the sight of his only daughter. "Oh, sorry pup, I didn't see you there. Don't know how I missed that aura of unearthly radiance that you're giving off right now. You remember my best buddy Arl Howe, right?"

Arl Howe gave her a coy grin and a low whistle. "Hey, sweetie, nice aura you've got there."

"Are you coming on to me?" Elissa responded, a frown marring her delicately beautiful face.

The arl's cheeks reddened. "Uh, of course not! I'm just, um…trying to find a girl for m-my son! Yeah, that's it."

Bryce coughed awkwardly. "Right. Anyway, pup, I summoned you here for a reason. I'm leaving you in charge of the castle while I go off to fight evil with my bro, here." He clapped the arl on the back.

Elissa's vibrant aquamarine eyes flashed with anger. "Are you crazy? You're leaving me behind? Everybody knows I'm the greatest warrior in Ferelden! Remember that time I single-handedly slew two high dragons and a horde of undead, armed only with a salad fork? Besides, you're going to need my help, since Arl Howe is clearly planning to betray you."

"I beg your pardon?" spluttered Howe nervously.

"Oh, come off it, Howe!" Elissa tossed her lustrous mahogany hair disdainfully. "You're clearly evil. I mean, come on, you're voiced by Tim Curry!"

Bryce surreptitiously elbowed his daughter. "What have I told you about spoilers?" he hissed.

"Fine, fine, sorry," she sighed.

"Now then, there's someone you should meet. Duncan!" Bryce called.

A dark, mysterious, and stoic man entered the room. "Hi, I'm Warden-Commander Duncan. I'm going to hang out here at the castle while your daddy and brother are gone."

"NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!" Arl Howe suddenly shrieked. "My brilliant bid for power, foiled after years of…!" He trailed off, glancing around the room awkwardly. "Um, I have to go now."

Elissa shook her head. "Daddy, can't you see he's up to something?"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Bryce chuckled. "He probably just forgot to take his medication again. Now, as I was saying, be polite to Duncan while we're away."

Elissa quirked a dark and elegant eyebrow. "Wait a minute, Duncan. If you're the commander of the Grey Wardens, shouldn't you be going with them to fight the darkspawn?"

"Hey, she's got a point there," Bryce noted. "Maybe you should ship out with my troops tonight."

"Why would I want to go fight off a Blight?" Duncan snickered. "I've got underlings for that! I'd much rather ride it out here. Bask in the lap of luxury for a while, maybe spend some quality time with Her Ladyship…" He sidled up to Elissa. "You got a boyfriend, hot stuff?"

"Sorry, Duncan, but you're not my type. I'd prefer a shy yet brave knight with an inferiority complex and a charming sense of humor."

"Damn!"

"Enough of this! Elissa, go tell Fergus it's time to head out," He shoved his daughter toward the door, slammed it shut, and bolted it behind her."

Elissa hadn't gotten two steps from the door when a redheaded knight tapped her on the shoulder. "Lady Cousland, your dog went on a rampage in the kitchen, and I offered to come find you. With your inherent virtue and sensitivity, I'm sure you've got what it takes to tame any beast."

"Of course, Ser Gilmore," Elissa smiled, revealing a set of dazzling white teeth.

When the pair entered the kitchens, they found an aged, weary-looking woman standing next to the larder. "Hi, Nan!" Elissa beamed. "Remember me, your old charge Elissa?"

"You again?" Nan groaned. "Look, just get out now! Maker help me, the whole reason I asked for a transfer to the kitchen was to get away from you!"

Elissa's adorable button nose crinkled with confusion. "Whatever do you mean? I was always a model child."

"Yes, yes, you learned how to change your own diapers at three months and how to solve differential equations at six months. Bloody know-it-all." The old woman rolled her eyes. "Just get the stupid dog out of the food and go."

"No problem." Elissa opened the larder door to retrieve her beloved pet. "Come here, Laddie!"

Laddie bounded up to her, barking urgently.

"What's that, Laddie?"

"Ruff!"

You were defending the kitchen from giant rats?" And Timmy fell down the well?"

"Maker's breath, even her dog is a know-it-all," grumbled Nan. "Go on and shoo, I think I hear your mom calling you."

"Okay, bye!" Elissa chirped obliviously, walking off the wonder dog trotting adoringly at her heels. As she rounded the corner on the way to her brother's quarters, she found her mother chatting with a friend.

"Hi, Mom, how's it going?" she greeted.

Her mother ignored her. "What are you doing home? I thought I told you to go out and look for a husband! What are you now, pushing nineteen? You should have at least four kids by now!"

"Sorry, Mom, but I'm waiting for Ser Right. You know, a shy yet brave knight with an inferiority complex and a charming sense of humor."

"Whatever. You'd better go find Fergus, that quest marker isn't going to move itself."

On the way to her brother's room, Elissa wandered through the library. There, she found her old tutor, Brother Aldous, giving lessons to a pair of bored young squires. "Oh, hello Lady Cousland. Would you care to give me a hand with this lesson on your family's history? I can't seem to get through to these kids, but with your angelic voice and unparalleled oratory skill, I bet you'll be able to."

"Certainly, Brother Alduous." She smiled serenely. "Well, boys, I come from a long line of awesome…

"Yes, the Couslands are pure, unmitigated awesome," Aldous piped up helpfully. "The Howes have always been their archenemies, and they kind of betrayed our country to an evil usurper a couple decades back…but don't worry, I'm sure they'd never do anything like that again."

Elissa sighed sadly, giving the old scholar a pat on the head. "You keep thinking that if it makes you feel better, old man."

Meanwhile, in another wing of the castle, Fergus Cousland was bidding his family farewell. "Don't worry, honey. I'm not going to die," Fergus assured his wife.

"I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me!" Oriana replied urgently. "Please don't leave me and the kid alone with Tim Curry! You know it won't end well!"

"Oh, nonsense, you'll be perfectly safe. My teenaged sister will be here to take care of you. I know she may not look that scary, but she did fight off a horde of undead with her salad fork that one time."

"Damn straight!" The girl in question interjected from the doorway. "Don't worry, Fergus, I'll take good care of the family while you're gone. I just wish I could go with you. I'd rather not be stuck at home when all of this foreshadowing hits the fan."

Moments later, the teyrn and teyrna appeared. "Hi kids. We thought we'd swing by, you know, to get the whole family together one last time…er, that is, one last time today. Yeah, that's it."

In frustration, Elissa banged her perfectly proportioned head against the wall. "Maker's mercy, I clearly didn't inherit my unsurpassable cunning from any of you. I can't listen to any more of this, I'm going to bed." She waved over her shoulder. "It's been nice knowing you all."

Later that night, she awoke to the sound of frantic barking. "What is it, Laddie?"

"Ruff!"

"You say Arl Howe has decided to betray my father, lay siege to our castle, and murder the whole family?"

"Woof!"

She leapt out of bed with a victorious fist pump. "Finally! Some action! I thought those dialogue trees would never end!"

Laddie whined disapprovingly.

"Sorry, what I meant to say was, that monster! We've got to stop him, boy!" She shouldered her weapons, her face a stunning mask of righteous fury. Kicking the door open, she thundered her favorite battle cry. "LET'S GET DANGEROUS!" She nocked an arrow, drew her bowstring, and was about to turn the invaders into pincushions, when her parents' door suddenly swung open.

Teyrna Eleanor emerged in full battle gear, with a salad fork clasped in her hand. "Don't mess with Highever, punks!" she screamed, charging into the fray. Moments later, the would-be assassins lay bleeding on the floor.

Elissa goggled. "Mom? Did you just steal my bit?"

"It was my bit first," Eleanor smirked. "Now come on, sweetie, let's waste these scumbags!"

"Maybe we should check on Oriana and Oren first?"

"Okay." She opened the door. "Holy Maker! They killed my grandson! This doesn't make any sense! What would the man who is after my husband's title want to kill his legitimate heir?"

"Go figure that one, huh?"

The teyrna turned to her daughter. "Well, we'd better go find the Cousland family sword and shield, so you can use them to kill the creep who did this."

"But Mom, I'm an archer. Isn't there a Cousland family bow you could give me instead?"

"Sorry. If you wanted to fight with one of those, you should have been born a Dalish elf. Now go get the damn sword!"

"Aw, no fair…"

After grabbing the useless set of heirlooms, Elissa and her mother stumbled across Ser Gilmore and a troop of guards, preparing to defend the front door. "Your Ladyship! My lady! I'm so glad to see you both alive. You'd better sneak out the back. I'll cover your escape."

"Why don't you and your men come with us?"

"Nope, I'd better stay behind. More dramatic that way."

"Suit youself. Idiot." The young noblewoman and her surprisingly awesome mom proceeded to hack and slash their way through twelve regiments of Howe's troops, three flocks of drakes, and a fire-breathing revenant, until they finally arrived at the secret entrance in the larder.

Elissa's luscious rosebud mouth gaped in horror at the sight of her father bleeding out on the floor. "Daddy? What happened?"

"Howe," Bryce rasped. "He...betrayed me."

"You don't say," she deadpanned.

If either of her parents noticed the sarcasm, they didn't comment. "We've got to get you out of here, Bryce!" Eleanor gasped.

"Yeah, good luck with that," Bryce groaned, clutching his wounded chest.

Elissa silenced their worries with an imperious wave of her long, graceful hand. "Don't worry, Daddy. Duncan's here somewhere. He'll come and save us."

Right on cue, a paper airplane sailed through the window and landed in Elissa's thick and luxurious hair. "What's this?"

"There's writing on it," Eleanor noted, opening the airplane to read the letter hidden inside.

Dear Elissa,

Sorry to hear about Arl Howe's betrayal, but my sympathy is limited, as you really should have seen it coming. There's an entry-level position that just opened up in the Grey Wardens, and I've been thinking about offering it to you in exchange for sneaking you out of the castle. However, after a bit of reflection, I have elected to look elsewhere for my recruit. While your talents are ridiculously impressive, I'm afraid your unearthly beauty might prove to be a distraction to some of my men, especially my shy yet brave protégé Alistair.

Best Wishes,

Duncan

TO BE CONTINUED...

A/N: And before you all get mad at me, I actually loved the Human Noble Origin, I just think it's been done to death.