I Can't Let Him Win
A/N: I seem to have some creativeness flowing recently. Anyways this is kind of lyrically inspired by a song with the same name by Maria Mena that I felt like had to be elaborated upon.
Summary: Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).
' With him he brought the rain, we had to learn how to exchange, subtle looks and cues containing love.
You took time away from me, embarrassed by what I'd see, but I was more afraid of what I heard '
"Amy…"
Karma's moving. Moving.
That's the information Amy was just handed less than five minutes ago. Karma and Liam are moving to California.
Moving.
Amy can't remember it ever being this hard to breathe.
She remembers being nine on a trampoline with Karma; she remembers having the wind knocked out of her when they jumped out of sync and it feeling like her chest might collapse.
This feels just like that – but so much worse.
She knows she's about to fall the fuck apart, but who really gives a fuck at this point? Karma's leaving. They've never lived more than ten minutes apart since they first met.
Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).
She knows its weird - but it's fine she hasn't been pining over Karma for the last six years. There was Reagan, Liz, Lindsay and Jamie. And she'd loved them all in one way or another – at least with as much of her heart as she had left after Karma.
She really fucking hates herself occasionally.
And sure Amy had a few years there where she was bitter and resentful and couldn't even look at Liam (she swears everything's fine now). But they graduated five years ago and there's been Liam&Karma (and Amy&Karma) ever since.
And now it seems there will be Liam&Karma off in sunny SoCal.
And Amy thinks that is just not fucking okay. She's not losing Karma to this asshole.
It was fine when Karma occupied herself with Liam for years when they lived in the same town but if they move to California Amy knows that's it. This internal battle she's been waging for the last six years will be done for good and facing that sounds horrific and she most likely wouldn't recover.
And if Karma goes with him she's shutting the door on Amy&Karma with far too much finality. It brings Amy's feelings to the forefront of her heart and Amy's cursing the god damn day they kissed in that gym because nothing has ever been the same.
It makes her hate Karma sometimes (she really doesn't though).
Karma's standing awkwardly in the center of the living room trying desperately to find some sort of eye contact like she's mid job interview.
Amy doesn't really have the words to make the sentences to express the hatred she's feeling for Liam motherfucking Booker for trying to take Karma.
"He's making you do this isn't he?"
"He's not making me do anything, Amy."
"Then what the fuck, Karma?! Did you expect this to be okay?"
Karma's looking a little bit lost like someone asked her to solve the quadratic equation in the next three minutes. Amy rolls her eyes and walks towards the kitchen because she might just beat Karma senseless if she doesn't get her head out of her ass in the next three minutes.
She hears Karma's heels behind her but her steps are hesitant.
Amy knows Liam has had a problem with them since high school. He's become less vocal about it from when they were kids but he's not fond of Amy&Karma. He loves Karma and he's totally chill with Amy as an individual but Amy can see the veins in his forehead popping out like the Hulk when he comes home to find them at the kitchen table with an empty bottle of wine.
She's not stupid.
And neither is Liam. She's gotta hand it to him – it's a smart move on his part. She's just not letting it happen.
"Ames, I have to. We've been together for like six years and he needs to go if he's going to have a career with his art. It might be good for my music too. It's right outside of LA, Liam thinks I might be able to make some connections."
"Connections my ass. He's just trying to take you away," it comes out without thought and she's regretting sounding like a petulant child. It's totally not gonna help her case.
Karma's smile at it might just make it a little bit worth it though.
"Nothing could take me away from you," Karma says in that voice that has always made her melt.
"Eight billion miles is pretty 'away' from me, Karms."
Amy's right but it's a shit victory. Karma sighs and says nothing in response.
"I don't know what to do. What do I do?"
Karma left an hour ago. She's been whining to Reagan on the phone for the last forty five minutes. She still has no solution.
Maybe it's weird she and Reagan are still really close after their break up but Reagan was her first real girlfriend and Amy's never really known how to let things go that matter to her.
Reagan's become a sort of support system to her these days. They meet at least once a month for lunch (drinks) and catch each other up on all the recent happenings (hook ups). Amy thinks they have this really cool relationship that she never could've imagined for them at sixteen. She's so fucking thankful for Reagan.
Sure, Reagan thinks she's out of her mind for this shit with Karma – she always has – but she gives great advice and she keeps Amy's head on straight. (To be fair Amy knows she's out of her mind for still hooking up with her 'taken' best friend for the last six years, it's just something she chooses to ignore).
"I can't really tell you what to do, Shrimps. You know how I feel about this whole thing."
"Well, you never liked Karma-"
"For good reason. The second I met her instead of trying to make a good impression on her best friend's girlfriend she jumped down my throat to try to prove you were hers… and you weren't even hers! Karma never gave me a reason to like her."
And Reagan's not wrong.
"She wasn't that bad…"
Reagan chuckles over the phone line. Amy smiles. She has no idea how Reagan even puts up with the crap she feeds her.
"Shrimps, you have always been wrapped around her little finger. You know it, I know it, she knows it."
"I've had girlfriends," Amy knows this is a pointless defense but carries on anyway because who else is gonna defend Amy's dumbass behavior if it isn't Amy? "And I nevercheated."
"Yeah, and how long did any of those relationships last? You never cheated but when Karma showed her claws and got possessive you were out. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You've always asked me for honesty, babe."
"I get it, I'm pathetic."
Reagan's laughing affectionately and it catches on until they're both just being completely ridiculous laughing at each other's cackles.
"Amy, you know I love you but you've always been pathetic. And Karma's always been a bitch so please either let her go or ask her to stay… just do something to end this god damn cycle you've been in for the last SIX years. It's time to move on with your life."
And Reagan's not wrong.
It started the weekend of graduation. Karma had been with Liam for about 6 months after they finally worked everything out. Liam was going… somewhere… Amy remembers not really fucking caring where he was because it meant she got Karma all to herself for the weekend.
Karma literally sauntered into her room that night with a brown bag the shape of a bottle. Amy remembers her mouth going dry because when the fuck did Karma even learn to walk like that?
They hadn't hung out in a few weeks and Karma was so excited at the prospect of a girls weekend at Amy's empty house. Bruce was golfing while Lauren and Farrah went shopping in… Dallas? Maybe. Amy just knew they were a few hours away.
Amy also remembers thinking of the threesome and how that was the last time they'd really kissed and then intense confusion? Because what? She'd been getting over Karma - it'd been almost two years since they'd really been in each other's space like that.
And then at two thirty in the morning with two empty bottles of wine between them she found Karma in her space like that.
It's not like she's completely blameless though. She'd always been a touchy feely horny drunk. (Hence Liam, ugh).
"Where you going?" she'd tugged Karma back by her arm until they both stumbled over the edge of the bed and hit the floor. Karma was laughing so hard she snorted which made them both just laugh harder until they were mostly just a tangle of limbs. Amy couldn't tell where she ended and Karma began.
"I was TRYING to get water!" Karma was still laughing, her body literally touched every surface of Amy's and it'd been so damn long since Amy had human contact. She and Reagan had split almost a year before and Karma felt so fucking nice.
So, Amy did what any reasonable drunk person would do. She hugged her.
And after that two minute embrace Karma did what any illogical drunk person would do. She kissed her.
And it went on like that. They kissed until Amy's lips hurt. And she just about died when Karma moaned and pulled her closer. (She remembers she couldn't have possibly gotten any closer but Karma kept tugging on her anyway).
The next morning she said goodbye to Karma as she awkwardly scurried away and Amy waited until she saw Karma's car was at least at the stop sign at the corner before she pulled her phone out.
Amy: So… are we gonna talk about that?
Karma: Lol couldn't do this in person? Really?
Amy: Ugh, Karma…
Karma: You're a really good kisser. I don't think I ever told you before. And we were drunk. It was fun.
Amy distinctly remembers smiling like a fool.
Amy: So one time thing right?
Karma: I… could definitely do that again.
Amy: You know how I feel. I can't just fool around. Not with you.
Karma: Let's just play it by ear? I'm not trying to hurt you. We just got back to a good place. I'll see you tomorrow? I just need some time. Love you xoxo
Amy: Sure. Tomorrow. Love you too
The next day solved all of absolutely nothing.
They'd laid awkwardly on Amy's bed for a while in silence. The sun kept setting until the room was full of shadows Amy had hated as a kid. Bruce had the AC on what must've been 57 because they simultaneously reached for the heavy comforter and wiggled underneath.
She remembers Karma throwing the whole thing over both their heads. They were barely able to make out each other's silhouettes.
Amy knows now it was probably just Karma trying to hide all of her vulnerabilities and emotions, but 18-year-old Amy was naïve and confused by Karma's behavior (which seems to be the usual for them).
She could feel Karma breathing for a while. And then there were slow hesitant lips on hers. Karma's bad ass, no fear attitude really crumbled without the alcohol crutch.
But Amy kissed her back with no regrets even when she felt Karma's hand shaking.
"I know you're scared. It's okay that this feels good."
Karma had nodded and pulled her closer again.
They never really talked about it much after that. Karma came over everyday as usual - it just involved less talking, more groping.
She remembers Karma kneeling on her bed to even out their height difference; Karma pulling her desperately closer as she tried to leave for work in the afternoon. It fucking sucked to have to leave Karma on those perfect nights when she was just hers and Liam kind of vaguely existed somewhere in a far off land. Karma's face was always flushed, her lips always swollen when Amy finally left – she was two minutes late to work that whole summer.
It's kind of been that way ever since.
Amy knows she means the world to Karma. The problem is she's never quite sure what space she occupies in Karma's life. Yeah, they're best friends. They're most definitely soul mates. They're certainly family – the sister neither of them ever got (Amy likes Lauren now but that's besides the point). Friends with benefits? They've never had sex so maybe the benefits are on the low end but getting to kiss Karma all the time is a benefit for sure.
So what is she then?
She's 100% fully aware of the fact that she is not, nor has she ever been, Karma's girlfriend.
Just not for lack of wanting to be.
Liam's stupid old car isn't there and thank God for that because they need to talk. Amy walks into the Ashcroft residence like she always has and finds Karma aimlessly staring at the fridge. It feels a lot like being seventeen again.
"Karma, you can't go."
Karma whips around kind of wide eyed. The deer in headlights thing has got to stop, Amy thinks.
"I have to? I don't really have a reason not to. It'll be a good thing… right?"
Amy's at least mostly sure Karma shouldn't sound like she's trying to convince herself. That just doesn't seem to bode well for the future.
"What about me?"
Even if they were just best friends Amy thinks she'd still be asking Karma that question. In what world is it okay for Karma to move across country and not even consider her?!
Karma's taken to going through the cabinets like she's ever going to find something worth snacking on. Amy can't even recall one time in the last eighteen years that she's voluntarily wanted to eat the food in Karma's house.
"Amy, we can Facetime all the time. I love you, we can make this work."
Karma's still moving boxes on top shelves of cabinets that have years worth of accumulated dust. Her speech sounds more like they're some long distance couple telling each other pleasantries before everything goes to hell.
It's complete bullshit.
"Tell me you love me, Karma."
"I just told you-"
"No, tell me you're in love with me."
Karma sort of freezes with her hand on a box of Cheez Its – and since when does the Molly buy those?
It's been six years and this is the first time Amy's ever found the balls to approach the elephant in the room. She guesses it's because Karma's leaving anyway so what does she really have to lose if this doesn't pan out?
She really fucking hopes Reagan's free tonight for drinks because Karma's entire lack of reaction is much more disheartening than she'd expected.
"Now? We're doing this now, Amy? Not anywhere in the last six years could we have done this?"
Oh? Anger? Excellent. Amy can do anger. It's not the expected reaction but still, it's manageable.
"I didn't see you trying to talk about it. I mean you're the one with the boyfriend. You keep coming back to me. I must have something he doesn't."
"You've had girlfriends don't put this all on me!" Karma's pointing her finger as she makes her way across the kitchen.
Amy sorta short circuits for a second because angry Karma is really fucking hot and now's really not the time to turn into a teenage boy. Her body needs to tone it the fuck down.
"I wasn't cheating on them! Notice how we stopped hooking up whenever I had a girlfriend. You've been with Liam this ENTIRE time!"
"Because what else was I supposed to do?"
"Oh, uh, I don't know, Karma… be with me?!"
She pats herself on the back. Sarcasm game on point.
Karma's maybe ten steps away. Ten steps too far really. Amy really really just wants to kiss her and –
Nope. She needs to stop thinking like that. She needs to listen to Reagan and make a fucking decision for once.
"If you go with Liam that's it for us. I'm not doing long distance cheating."
They shouldn't have even done short distance cheating. The whole things kind of fucked.
Karma looks down. "You're my best friend, Amy."
Amy sighs.
"We're so much more than that, Karma. When are you gonna get your head out of your ass and see it for what it is?"
She shuts the door behind her when she goes.
I'm at least 98% sure there will be a second part to this.