I ate'nt dead!
Summary: The body was that of a little old lady dressed completely in black and even in her prostrate position a black pointy hat was fitted firmly on top of her grey hair. On top of the body lay a placard on which, scrawled in bold black letters, was the message: I ate'nt dead!
Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, or the Discworld series. It's as simple as that.
Author's note: So I had my heart set on writing a Castle/Discworld crossover, except I had no idea how I was going to do that. So I found myself a random prompt generator which gave me: What would you dream about tonight? Then I put on some James Taylor and the end product is this story.
Usually Castle's theories skirted the borders of reality and were more often than not (mostly) wrong. Except that one time, the one they never talked about, yet not one of them could forget.
The body was that of a little old lady dressed completely in black and even in her prostrate position a black pointy hat was fitted firmly on top of her grey hair. On top of the body lay a placard on which scrawled in bold black letters was the message: I ate'nt dead!
Lanie's professional opinion was that the sign was lying. At the back of the alley, as if keeping watch over the body a stately all white cat eyed anyone who came near viciously. It scratched Ryan as he tried to catch it, at which point they decided to let animal control deal with it instead and turned their attention back to the body.
"She's a witch, look at her, the black dress, the pointy hat, she has to be!" Castle had exclaimed with unbridled enthusiasm.
"Or maybe the killer dressed her like that, to make some sort of statement." Kate Beckett's voice of reason interjected.
Lanie poked and prodded the body for a bit then stood up. "No discernible cause of death, I'll have to get her back to the morgue in order to find out what killed her."
This only encouraged the writer. "Maybe there's no cause of death because she's not really dead, just like the sign says!" Castle pointed wildly at the placard in Esposito's hand.
"She's not coming back to life Castle." Lanie ensured him.
They finally managed to get the body loaded and shipped off to the morgue after animal control had caught the irate cat who had attacked anybody who had tried to move the body.
They had just managed to set up the murder board when Lanie called in a panic demanding they get down there. They could hear the shouting all the way down the corridor so they stormed in guns raised.
"What the hell?" Beckett questioned nobody in particular.
"Can't you people read?" The little old lady asked angrily. "I wrote it down clearly, didn't I? I ate'nt dead, can't get much clearer than that!" She shouted at Lanie who'd pushed herself as far into the corner as far away from the old woman as she could possibly get.
The little old lady railed on the three detectives and Castle. "As for you all, you can put those things down I ain't dead and I ain't planning on dying today either."
"You were dead." Ryan pointed out in shock.
"No I weren't, I had the sign and everything, it's not my fault you all couldn't read!" Seeing the old woman standing up and her cold eyes staring them down, she suddenly didn't seem so fragile anymore. In fact she looked strong and powerful and someone you shouldn't mess with.
"I told them, I told them you were a witch and that you weren't dead, but they wouldn't listen." Castle felt the need to point out.
"You're the writer aren't you?" She asked steady finger pointed right between Castle's eyes.
Castle swallowed heavily. "Uhm, yes?"
"Is that a question, or an answer, you do know what you are or aren't, don't you?" She asked sternly.
"Yes, I'm a writer yes." Castle answered more firmly this time, he did however, hide himself slightly behind Beckett.
"Good, I came to this dirty horrible land to find you, and tell you to not write about me anymore, or I will turn you into a toad." The woman seemed to think about this for a moment, then amended. "Make you think I turned you into a toad, just as horrible, yet without all the fuss." The woman nodded to herself then muttered: "Writers." with so much disdain that Castle hid himself completely behind Beckett in case she decided to come through on her threat right there and then.
A blue light started to glow in the air behind the woman, between her and Lanie, it started to grow steadily. Suddenly a stream of six inch high, blue men with red hair wearing kilts came pouring out of it.
"Crivens! Who do we hit first?" One of the little men squeaked.
Another drew a rather sizeable sword for such a tiny man. "It dinnea matter, hit em all!"
"Rob Anybody Feegle don't you dare!" The old woman said sternly and all the little blue men stopped in their tracks and several even attempted to hide their weapons in embarrassment, as if they had never had any intention to hit anyone at all. One of the little men muttered a shameful: "Sorry Miss."
"Granny Weatherwax I found You." A young woman stepped out of the blue light and handed the woman the stately white cat from the alley which immediately draped itself comfortably across her shoulders.
"Thank you Tiffany, now let's get out of this place."
The young woman whistled shrilly on her fingers and the little blue men all streamed back into the blue light and she followed.
The old woman tipped her hat at the three detectives and the one writer still cowering behind Beckett. "'T was a pleasure Mr. Pratchett."
"Wait, my name's not Pratchett, it's Castle!" Castle shouted after her, but the blue light had already closed behind her.
"That was weird." Esposito voiced everybody's thoughts.
"Too weird." Lanie agreed.
As if in unspoken agreement all evidence pertaining the case disappeared over the next couple of days, and soon it was as if it had never happened. Not one of them ever spoke of the old woman again, yet after that day, Castle regularly woke from a recurring nightmare in which a little old woman more intimidating than a prize fighter turned him into a toad.
The End.