The Final Balance

Chapter 1

Debris was falling around her. Everything was on fire and the resulting smoke burned her eyes. She tried to move, but her limbs felt heavier than a star cruiser; blood was seeping through her tunic and down her side.

"Rey." A familiar, pleading voice called out to her and she turned in time to see the wounded man collapse in front of her, having taken the fatal blow that saved her from an assured death. Rey rushed to his side as quickly as she could with her injuries. Her lungs burned as if on fire with every breath, both from the ashy air and from the silent sobs racking her body. She dropped to her knees and pulled the large man onto her lap. Rey reached down with raw fingers and tenderly brushed the bangs out of his open but cloudy eyes.

"Ben," she whispered, hoarsely. "Ben, please, look at me."

His eyes blinked slowly before clearing and focusing on her tear-streaked face. She was startled when one of his weakened, trembling hands gently touched her face, wiping away at the streams steadily flowing down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Rey," he wheezed out, his words barely audible above the chaotic destruction around them. His own eyes had moisture pooling within them. "I'm so sorry."

His dark eyes never left hers as he took his last breath.

"Ben?" She choked out; the sudden sense of emptiness nearly overpowering her. "Ben!"

There was no response, but she knew there wouldn't be. Irrationality fueled her actions as she began to shake the dead man in her arms.

"No, you can't do this to me!" Ray states, frantically. She gently lays him down on the cold, metal floor before clutching at his smoke-stained face with both hands. "You can't leave me now!"

His body remained lifeless in her arms.

"Ben!" Her tears and scream mingle together and bounce off the crumbling walls, where no one was left to listen to her agony.

"BEN!"

Rey startled herself awake, jolting into an upright position. Sweat coated her brow and her eyes felt as if they had been rubbed raw. She could still taste the ash on her tongue. Rey looked around at her surroundings and was relieved to find that nothing was on the Millennium Falcon was on fire and she was safe in her cot. One of the dozen of stowaway porgs chirped at her feet, managing an empathetic look of concern.

"I'm fine," she assured the wide-eyed creature. "It was just a dream."

The creature tilted its head, eerily evaluating her before seemingly deciding that she was okay. It chirped once more before hopping off of her cot. Rey watched it leave, bemused and pushed the sheets off her legs. She checked her chrono and was startled by the early hour that reflected back at her. Everyone else would still be asleep for hours. She considered laying back down but there was no way she would be able to sleep with the nightmare so fresh on her mind.

Where had that dream even come from?

Rey leaned forward and dropped her head into her waiting hands. Three months had passed since the Battle of Crait and Ben's rejection to returning to the light. It had taken every bit of willpower she possessed to act as she everything was okay. The only teacher left to train her was dead, the Resistance, now the new Rebellion, had been almost decimated, and the man she had come to...care for utterly betrayed her and went as far to use her as a distraction against Snoke in his quest for power. Her hopes had been laid shattered at her feet as Ben Solo attempted to turn her to the dark side. Rey had not been able to admit to anyone just how tempted she had been by his words and pleading, tearful eyes. Her connection to him was something she just could not put into words. It encompassed her entire being, remaining just at the edge of her senses and awareness. Rey thought that with Snoke dead, their bond would have dissipated, but that was far from the truth. She could still feel him, even now, burrowed deep within her being and she did not know what to do about it.

The air grew heavy around her and the tranquil sounds around her fell farther to the background. Rey closed her eyes, taking in the the swirl of emotions and energy that came with their moments of connection. She did not have to look at him to know that he was there.

"Go away!" She hissed, the still raw feeling of betrayal coloring her tone. Rey leapt off of her cot and stormed, barefoot but blessedly clothed, down the corridor. She refused to meet his gaze but she could feel the bemusement radiating off of him in droves. They were extensively connected through the force; changing rooms would not get rid of him and they both knew it. Still, it made her feel better for the moment.

"You've been avoiding me." His husky voice sent a violent shiver through her entire being but Rey refused to let it show just how much his presence affected her. She did her best to ignore it, and him. But he settled firmly in their bond and she knew he would not leave her be until she spoke with him. Since their destructive and devastating battle aboard Snoke's ship, she had done her best to block him and his attempts at contact. There had not been many, but the few he made were painful in their intensity and sincerity. Rey rebuffed every one of them, using whatever strength she could muster, but somehow he had managed to sneak past her defenses this time.

The worst part was the acute sense of relief at having his presence once again connected to hers. Her body, her mind, her very soul craved this bond and the rush of pleasant emotions that filled her.

Their bond was her high, and he was her drug.

But Rey knew that she shouldn't continue on with this torture. Ben, no, Kylo Ren, had made his choice and she could not be a part of that.

"Yes," Rey finally responded, though still refused to look at him. She worried what effect his piercing, dark gaze would have on her.

"Are you angry with me?" He sounded pained, but Rey found it hard to believe that could be true.

She mustered the courage to turn and face him, a snide comment spitting from her lips. "Was that not obvious, Supreme Leader?"

The use of his new title had the desired effect and he narrowed his eyes in irritation. His dark curls bounced as he shook his head. "You think you're the only one who has a right to be angry?"

"Yes!" She snapped, allowing her kindling fury to fuel her strength. "I put my life at risk to help you...to save you. And as soon as you got what you wanted, you turned your back on me!"

Kylo's stare softened considerably and his voice took on the edge of something more than just hurt. "I begged you to join me."

Rey scoffed, appalled at his statement. "You know damn well I couldn't do that! I will not turn my back on these people. They care about me." The last comment was meant as a jab to infuriate him but his eyes held only sadness.

"So do I." His surprising statement was quiet but earnest.

The tears sprung hot from her eyes at the sudden torment filling her.

"No," She shook her head, as if to shake away his words. "No, you don't get to say that to me! You turned to the dark side first. I offered you a way back, and you refused! Your need for power is clearly more important than anything else."

Kylo stepped closer, trying to close the light years of distance between them. "You don't understand-"

"I don't understand?" She cut him off irritably, sarcasm heavily coating her words. "I don't understand what it's like to be lonely, to be unwanted, uncared for!" She heaved in her breath, pausing between cuts. "No, I guess I don't understand."

She collapsed onto the bench at the Dejarik table, shoulders slumping from the weight of it all.

"Rey..." He whispered, pouring comfort into their connection. She violently pushed it away, refusing his unspoken offer. She would not be fooled by him again.

"Why are you here?" She asked, misery laced on her tongue. "To torment me?"

Kylo looked at her, confused. "You called out to me. You opened our connection."

Rey gave him a withering stare, unbelieving, before it occurred to her that in her distress from the dream she might have subconsciously reached out to the source of her grief.

"I can assure you, it wasn't on purpose."

"You had a nightmare," He stated simply, knowingly.

"That is none of your damn business!"

"I could help you," he sounded so infuriatingly sincere that she found herself leaping to her feet, arms gesticulating wildly.

"Help me?!" She screamed, having lost all pretense of indifference. "You can't help me!"

He started to interject but she cut him off before he could utter a sound. "Don't you get it? We are enemies. It's you against me."

He sighed deeply, his eyes falling closed. "We don't have to be."

"I will never turn to the dark side, Ren!" Rey shouted, enjoying the flinch at the use of his Sith name. "Just leave me alone." Her last words a painful command.

He reopened his eyes and she felt an ache form at the sight of his watery gaze. He pursed his full lips and nodded slowly. Rey thought she was prepared for his departure but she was knocked off balance by his words.

"I'm sorry, Rey."

His disconnection left her fuming but also feeling enormously empty. More so than she had felt at the abandonment by her parents more than a decade prior. She lowered herself back onto the bench, entirely at loss on how to remove herself from him.

Or if she even wanted to.

A thousand lightyears away, Kylo Ren disconnected from the one person who had ever understood him. A myriad of emotions battled within him. In the past he used physical acts of aggression to settle his discomfort but for the life of him, he could not find it in himself to even be angry. Pure and unadulterated sorrow occupied his every thought, his every breath. It weighed him down, and left him without the will to do anything more than collapse to the floor against his bed, and howl his cries to the ceiling.