BRR
Quote of the day:
"As you breathe right now, another person takes their last. So stop complaining and learn to live your life with what you've got"-by someone I don't know.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach and credits to all works mentioned below.
Summary: AU. Death is the destiny of every living. So what type of life did you live? Had you live as a good person for others to remember you even if you are gone? Or a bad person, who no one wanted to remember? What if you are neither of the two? ByaRuki
Angel of Death
What is Angel of Death?
What will make you understand what Angel of Death is?
Angel of Death is an angel who was created solely to take the souls of every living. Like every angels, He is created from light and only does whatever the Lord of the Worlds commanded him to do. And when the time comes when every living being in this world dies, the Angel of Death will be commanded to kill all the Angels including himself. He will be the last one to die after he had kill everyone except the Lord of the Worlds. The Lord of the Worlds will ask him then, "who remained?" and the Angel of Death will say "Your Noble face and I am, my Lord". Then the Lord of the World would command "Kill yourself, Angel of Death". Then the Angel of Death would kill himself. His death would be the most painful out of all deaths and if anyone is alive at that time he was taking his own soul, everyone will die from his yell of pain alone.
Rukia stared at her laptop monitor as she contemplates how to construct her sentence next. She was currently lying on her stomach as she continued to type words after words on her laptop. Unfortunately, tomorrow was the deadline of submission for her paper in Ancient Mythology.
"What should I do now? I can't think anymore. I am really screwed…..why? Why do I have to be this incompetent?!" Rukia internally yelled to herself as she racked her brain. Her room mates were oblivious to her internal turmoil as they continued to watch the current Korean movie "Black" on the TV.
"And why does the current drama on the TV be this exciting?! At this rate I will never pass!" Rukia sat on her bed as she stared longingly at her roommates who were busy watching the current "Black" episode.
"Screw this shit! I am not writing anymore!" Rukia said as she closed her laptop and went to her "friends" to watch the drama with them.
Rukia. 22 years old college student. Self-claimed Most Lazy Person in the whole wide world. Self-claimed mediocre, self-claimed bad person and self-claimed selfish. People doesn't care about her because she doesn't care about them also. She could care-less if she got dropped by her Ancient Mythology professor. And even her own grand mother told her that if she die no one will miss her, in fact everyone will be happy and throw a party because she is finally gone.
I should really must try my best to finish my paper. Mom will be disappointed with me even more. And that professor will give me another cold shoulder again.
Rukia contemplated to herself as she sat behind her roommates and watched the drama on the TV. Apparently, she was not enjoying it just like she had hoped to.
Damn! Why do I have procrastinated this long?! I have all the time in the world, but I choose to cram at the moment the deadline is coming! I am really stupid. My mom will soon quit her job and return home. What will I do if she lost her job then?
Ah! My head hurts so much. Stupid brain! All it ever contain was nothing except images of that handsome professor?! Why can't I get over him after all this years!? Damn! I have wasted so much time just to impress him, but what happened? I just embarrassed myself. I am such a loser.
Rukia internally beat herself as she continued to watch TV. From time to time she would look up at the clock hanged on the wall behind the TV.
Rukia! How much time will you waste?! Damn! Damn! Death will not be enough to repay all the time I had wasted! My grades are all down! Writing isn't really my thing. Now I know I will never be a good writer! I will never live up to my Dad's expectations before he died and I will never be good enough for Byakuya!
Why am I so stubborn!? Why did I spend 5 years in college just to finally realize I am not cut for this shit!? Ah! I wasted my life.
Rukia at that moment decided to take a walk just to calm her hurricane of thoughts. She felt guilty about her past decisions such as choosing to procrastinate and being stubborn. As she exited from the gate of the Girls dormitory, she contemplated what to do next. She's worried as to what her future might become if she quit now.
"Should I go to Ichigo?" Rukia asked herself as she walked towards the Boys Dormitory. Yet as soon as she got near the building, she saw Ichigo with his girlfriend, Orihime Inoue. Orihime is the current reigning Miss Karakura. She has everything women wished to have; Perfect body, beautiful face and a brain to boost. She is a Dean's listed scholar and currently taking up BS major in medicine. She is everything Rukia is not.
Rukia bit her lip as she stared at the couple. She used to be the only girl Ichigo hang out with but now he had no time for her. Ichigo is her partner and classmate in Ancient Mythology. Though he was a year younger than her, Ichigo turned out to be much better than her in writing. Ichigo is a genius writer, the next William Shakespeare in the making.
Rukia changed her course and walked back to her dorm. As she did so, she saw Renji running towards her. She scowled at him as he approached. Renji Abarai was her childhood friend, her very first real friend. He is currently an apprentice of Byakuya Kuchiki, the Ancient Mythology professor.
"Rukia" Renji shouted as he raised his fist to knock the petite woman on the head. As he swung down his fist Rukia easily counteracted it and tripped the giant red head.
"Renji. I told you to stop acting like a fool! You're embarrassing me" Rukia pointed out as she look around the people curiously looking at them. Rukia's foot was on top of the tripped giant red head's chest, who was lying on his back at the pavement.
"Tsh! I thought you didn't care about what people think" Renji commented as he tried to free himself from the petite woman who tripped him. He was a bit embarrassed as will, but not from being defeated by a woman. It's because of Rukia's legs showing from her ripped pants. He had not seen Rukia's legs ever since they got older, because now she always wear non-revealing clothes. She wears clothes that are much bigger than her body size. And acted like she is one of the boys. No wonder her voice was boyish as will. Renji at times wondered if Rukia is a Lesbian. Yet he knew that she is not, especially when she was with Kuchiki. She acted so lady-like when that man is around.
Rukia at that moment offered her hand to help the tripped Renji. Yet, Renji swatted her hand and instead helped himself to stand up alone. Apparently, he doesn't have the courage to hold her hand and not think about impure intentions. Knowing that, his blushing face would give away his secret and that he will never allow to happen. He will never let his feelings make their fragile friendship get damaged again.
"Idiot. Tomorrow is the deadline of submission of grades. Why aren't you still passing your papers?" Renji asked as they both walked away from the curious crowd. He stared at the silent Rukia and deduced that she will not answer his question. He then chose to silently walk a few distance beside her.
Rukia and Renji walked silently without thinking where is their destination gonna be. Suddenly they heard some footsteps approaching. Rukia raised her head and looked at the owner of the hurried steps.
"Rukia" Byakuya said as he looked at the couple with contempt. His voice sounded very cold as always with a hint of disappointment. Rukia trembled in fear as to the calamity that would come. Apparently, she found herself standing in front of her college building. The most terrifying building she had ever come across in her life.
"Kuchiki-sensei…." Rukia uttered softly as she bowed to her Ancient Mythology professor and advisor.
Byakuya motioned for Renji to leave them alone. Renji nodded as he glanced at his childhood friend worriedly.
"Rukia. The board decided to kick you out of the college because of your attitude and very low grades. You rarely attend your class and never took your quizzes. You didn't pass your projects and all your exams failed. We suggest that you shift to other course because you aren't cut to become a writer. Your writing style is awful at best. You didn't learn anything for the past 5 years and continued to make the same mistakes over and over again. We haven't met any student like you. You shamed our department because of your bad records."
Rukia walked back to her dorm like her soul was knocked out of her body. Her head is floating in the air. And her ear continued to hear the words her advisor told her over and over again like a broken record.
I am a disappointment.
I am a failure.
I haven't done any right thing in my life. In the end….. I am still not a good enough person….
Kaien. Dad I am sorry for not being there when you needed me. I am sorry for not being a good daughter to you. In the end I wasn't able to live up to your expectations. I failed you in every possible way.
I wasn't a good sister to my siblings. I had sacrificed their future to become a writer by leaving them all to themselves as I choose to continue my studies when they struggle to take care for a dying father…I let Hisana took care of our younger siblings thus their studies were neglected. And I am always not there when they needed me, especially at that time that you're gone and mom left for work. I know she can't bear the idea of you dead so she went abroad and worked there for us.
Every time I was at home with my siblings I always got in a fight and argument with them, they don't like me. I don't know how to deal with them because I was not there for them. I can't blame them for wishing that I had died when I was still an infant, because I wasn't a good sister; all they see in me was a cold and uncaring sister- a selfish sister.
And I wasn't patient and courteous enough to put up with our relatives nonsense. It isn't my nature to keep silent in argument so I appeared to be rude. I was called a bad girl all the time for talking back at the elders; grandmother didn't like me at all because of my attitude. Our relatives called me a devil girl, so I run away and never went back home until you died. I know I had disappointed you back then. I am really good for nothing; just a waste of space.
And I know the reason I don't have friends is because of this attitude of mine. I appeared to be a very plastic person because of how fake I act around people. I always stayed away from them because I want to be alone. I want to be alone because I have so many regrets to ponder and I worry too much about my future; knowing that my future self would be as loser as I am today.
You want to ask why I skip my classes.
It's because I can't breathe when I am inside that building. I felt suffocated when I am around people I don't like; people who are so pretentious and foxy. Their tongue is so sharp as well as their writing style. They are the top gossipers everyone feared to be around with. They pick on every single flaw you have. And embarrass you. I was always their favorite victim; though they could not fight me hand to hand, so they attack me verbally. I always get on a fight with them, thus for my bad record. It's a wonder why I still remained on the college for this long.
Orihime was a friend of mine; I had thought, but when Ichigo shifted from Medicine to Literature because of me. She stopped being friends with me; not verbally, though she always around Ichigo when I am not with him. I had then learned that I was the one who supposedly the third party in Ichihime relationship. It was because of me that they broke up in the first place. I am such a bad person; am I not?
Renji; he is my childhood friend, we hang around before but he was better than me. I was actually jealous of him for all his achievements. He is the pride of his family. He graduated Literature and become an apprentice to Byakuya after graduating in his 3rd year in college, while I was 1st year irregular student. I was left behind.
And now Byakuya. I had embarrassed myself in front of him over and over again. I can't face him anymore.
I can't face my mother again for being a failure and burdening her.
I can't face my siblings and Hisana, I had put in her shoulders the obligations that should have been mine.
My relatives will laugh at my failure.
In the end my Dads' wish for me to achieve tumbled.
I am a failure, aren't I?
So I deserve to die. I want to disappear now.
Thank you, thank you for everything. I wish all of you to have a good life when I am gone.
Rukia tried to imagine their happy faces. She hoped that if a failure like her is gone in this world, they will finally be happy because their burden will be gone as well.
Thank you.
Rukia saw black spots as her windpipe had been strangled because of her weight. She had felt by then how her blood on her veins rushed and pumped so loudly to her ears. She struggled for a while before she finally lost consciousness because of the immense pain on her lungs.
"Rukia" Byakuya said in a cold voice. His face looked so emotionless as he stared at the woman who was hanged on the ceiling. Apparently, the woman took her own life by hanging herself on the ceiling.
Rukia opened her eyes as she stared down at the man calling her name. She was confused as to why she is still alive when she had hanged herself to death. She looked down at Byakuya, who was wearing a mysterious full black kimono.
Is he a Soul Ripper? The angel of Death assigned to take me to the world of the dead? Wait isn't death rippers supposed to wear suits like the ones 444 used in the "Black"?
Rukia thought to herself as she contemplated the situation. Then suddenly, Byakuya walked closer to her and untangled her from the binding.
"Come with me, you are going to see the world you had exchanged so willingly with the ones you had" Byakuya said coldly at the woman standing in front of him.
Rukia trembled in fear at the way his voice sounded like a threat. She had now realized the intensity and vividness of her death. "K-Kuchiki-sensei?" she asked fearfully.
The soul ripper just looked at her emotionless. Rukia saw that his gray eyes was devoid of the recognition she always seen on his eyes before.
Isn't he really Byakuya?
"I am not him" Byakuya said. "I appeared like this because this is the face you had wanted to see. Come along now Rukia" Byakuya said as he started to walk.
Rukia run towards him as she found herself getting engulfed by a black smoke. The smoke already darken her entire room to the point she couldn't see her dead body anymore. Fear clasped her entire being.
What was that?!
Suddenly Byakuya offered his hand to her. Rukia looked at it awkwardly. Yet she took it then as soon as the smoke touched her foot. Byakuya carried her in a bride style and flew to the darken sky. Rukia could only bury her face on his chest as she felt the intensity of the wind against her skin. They were flying to the sky very fast as though they were being chased.
Suddenly Rukia heard voices.
"Is she Rukia Shiba?" the voice asked. Rukia tried to see who the owner of the voice is but her eyes got overwhelmed by so much light.
Am I in Heaven?
"Yes she is. Open the gate" Byakuya said to the guardians of the gate.
"Rukia is not allowed inside. Take her to her body. She is a sinner" the guard replied. "This is her book of deed. Apparently, she could have enter inside but she chose to kill herself, rather than face her reality and become a better person by facing her destiny" he explained.
At that moment, Rukia felt like she was falling very fast. Her heart was filled with so much fear. "No! Please don't let go of me!" she shouted as she felt the overwhelming darkness engulfed her. She then lose consciousness again.
Rukia opened her eyes as soon as she felt the scalding water on her body. She saw that she is being washed with boiling water by the cloaked people. She felt like her skin were melting from the water they washed her with. She screamed with so much pain until her throat got parched.
To Rukia's point of view, she was being tortured to death but apparent she isn't. She won't die because of their torture, because she had already died.
"Rukia" Byakuya called her name.
Rukia immediately opened her eyes though she felt like her body is now being beaten by the same black cloaked people. "What's happening to me?! Why are this people beating me?" she asked in between her frantic shouts of pain.
"They found your dead body. Your sister Hisana and the others are cleaning your corpse to prepare your body to be buried. Your senses were heightened immensely that you felt that the water is actually boiling and their soft scrubbing as beatings" Byakuya said matter-of-factly.
Rukia could only look at Byakuya dumbly as another beating was inflected to her. "Why? Why is this happening to me?" she asked.
Byakuya looked at her in the eyes. No sign of pity was there. Not a single emotion is present. "You had committed suicide, hence you are a sinner. This is only a taste for the punishment you will have sooner" he explained.
Rukia's eyes almost bulged out of her socket as she felt the scalding water on her body again. "I am a sinner?! I thought my suffering would end if I die but why am I being tortured?" she asked as the torture intensifies.
"For God sake! Please stop cleaning my dead body Hisana!" Rukia yelled as she finally see that indeed her corpse is being cleaned by her sister along with their relatives. They were crying as they cleaned Rukia's corpse. "Everyone stop! You're killing me!" she yelled in pain.
"That's useless. They can't hear you anymore. You are dead now" Byakuya said as he looked down at Rukia getting tortured. His face remained emotionlessly.
"Please help me" Rukia begged as her tears slowly escaped from her eyes. She was by now getting beaten.
"I can't help you. You brought this to yourself. You had been warned but you didn't take head" Byakuya uttered without a shred of emotion. "Do you really think that life ended when you stop living? You will soon come to know of all your deeds" he added.
Then not after long she felt like a chain was tied on her neck. She looked at Byakuya inquiringly. Her fears were visible on her violet eyes.
"You are going to be dragged to your grave now Rukia. I will take you to your temporary destination. When everyone finally die. We will all meet again and by then everything we did will be judged. Whether we have lived a good life or a bad life. You had live yours as good as you had but ended it badly. As a consequence you get to experience how you had died over and over again up until the end of the world" Byakuya explained. "While I, an angel of Death have neither been good or bad. I had existed to follow everything that commanded to me by the Lord of this World. I will soon die too. You had been lucky to have experience being alive like how you used to be, too bad you wasted it" he added.
Byakuya then dragged her to her grave where she is to stay there. When Byakuya leave her she found herself being hanged at a room which weirdly resembling the room where she took her life. She then realized that she is hanged as her breathe got locked out from her lungs. She then remembered the sensation of dying again as she desperately clawed the air around her.
No! God please give me another chance. I won't do it again.
Byakuya finished reading the words written on the 1st page of the paper. He looked directly at his student. He couldn't believe that all this time Rukia think of him as a fool who would just let her suffer like that. Her paper described him as such and it deeply hurt him.
Rukia could only gasp in shock as she look at Byakuya disbelievingly. How the hell her professor have her paper. The one she had written roughly as a practice for her project. It had contain so much emotion and sincerity that she decided to abandon it. Ever since she lost that paper, her mind couldn't think of anymore theme to use for her term paper. She tried her best to formulate better words and concept but her mind got stacked into writers block.
"Come Rukia" Byakuya said as he walked inside the building. Rukia followed suit though her feet was hardly moving. She tried her best to swallow her fears and have courage to face her professors and finally put things right.
As soon as she entered the room, her professors greeted her warmly. "Congratulations Rukia. Your piece won the college writing competition" they said.
Rukia was aghast. She couldn't breathe properly. My Piece? Had won in a competition?
"That was a very emotional mythological story, Rukia Shiba" complement by Chairman of the Literature department, Professor Yamamoto.
Rukia bowed down to the professors. They all stared at their precious student. They knew that Rukia tried her best to become a good writer, but apparently for the last 5 years her skills in writing was very low. She had been so many times almost kicked out of the College if not for Byakuya Kuchiki's insistence. And now their suspicion has been confirmed or partially confirmed. Byakuya and Rukia had feelings for each other, which isn't allowed in the University.
"I quit" Rukia said after bowing so deeply. "Thank you for the congratulations" she added as she looked at the chairman of the department.
Byakuya looked at Rukia worriedly.
"Writing is not my forte. I should have not been so stubborn in the first place but I am thankful for the experience. I used to hide my emotion and by then I was known to be insensitive person but I had learned to show it poetically. I thank you all for the things I had learned. Everything I had wrote on those paper was nothing but sincere. Yet it was all in the past now. I had learned to accept my life and be contented to everything that I had. I am quitting Literature and joining the Army. Please accept my request" Rukia explained as she offered the letter she had wrote this morning.
They all looked at her. It was Professor Ukitake who had taken the letter. Rukia then excused herself and left the building.
I am sorry dad for wasting so much time before I had realized what I really had wanted to do. Thank you for understanding and supporting me. Do not worry I will never neglect my siblings just like that before. I will live a better life even if I hadn't reached my past ambition. I know I can't be the best writer that we both initially wanted for me to become but at least I had learned my lesson.
"I am now a Lieutenant, father" Rukia said proudly in front of Kaien's grave as she show off her uniform, behind her were her siblings silently praying along with her grandmother. Rukia had long been at peace with her grandmother and relatives. It had only taken time for both of them to settle their difference and be contented with each other's attitude.
"Rukia" Miyako called her daughter. She walked beside her daughter and stood in front of her husband's grave. "Kaien your daughter is a big girl now. She had been an inspiration to our other children and they loved her so much. Your Mom adored her and your relatives finally learned to accept her brash attitude. Though she had been so much Lady-like now that she had her own husband as well" she said as she hugged the fidgeting Rukia.
"Mom, you don't have to say that" Rukia said shyly as her mom hugged her.
"Rukia had took care of her siblings when I am so down and had to go away. I know that you are very proud of her. We are proud of her as well" Miyako said as she looked down at her daughter.
Rukia could only look at her mom as she listen to her words. It was the first time her Mom ever complemented her and thus her tears fell from her eyes. She was rendered speechless. She hugged her mom so tightly and said. "I love you, Mom. Thank you for supporting me all this time. Thank you for letting me chose what to do with my life and guided me how to live it"
"I love you too, my daughter" Miyako said as she gestured for her other children.
"We love you too, Rukia" Hisana said as she hugged her younger sister. "Don't you ever think again that you are the reason I quit my studies. I am contented with what had happened" she added.
"We love you too, Onee-chan" Rukia's other siblings said as they hugged her tightly. "You had been our inspiration. You tried to excel in a field that you like. Though you had failed so many times you still get back on your feet and pick yourself up. And finally, you had the courage to set things right and face the consequence of your decision" Rukia's younger brother said as he ruffled her hair.
"Rukia" the new comers called simultaneously.
"Ichigo! Renji" Rukia called back. The two approached her.
"How's Lieutenant Kuchiki is doing?" Ichigo asked playfully. Renji just stared afraid to touch Rukia knowing someone will grill him if he did.
"Great" Rukia said as she stared at her longtime friend. It had been 6 years since they last saw each other. "And I still don't forgive you for stealing my piece. How dare you submit my paper when I didn't meant to show it to anyone" She scowled at the orange head.
"Tsk. If I didn't submit it then you and Byakuya won't be married now isn't it" Ichigo asked playfully. "And anyways that piece was great. You could have become a decent writer if you continued. You could be my assistant at best" he added.
Rukia scowled at the orange head. "Are you insulting me right now Kurosaki Ichigo?!" she asked warningly at the famous playwright. She was going to knock some sense out of him when she heard a foot step approaching.
"Rukia" Byakuya called from behind her.
Rukia immediately let go of Ichigo's collar and latched herself to her husband. "Oh! Honey where dost thou go? I had been waiting for your return in ages of this mystic life" she quoted from one of Ichigo's poem.
Ichigo cringed at hearing Rukia say his poem like that.
"I've come down from heavens to retrieve my beautiful clover. Now that I had found thee, I shall fly you back to the sky and open the gates that had been closed in my love's absence" Byakuya quoted as well as he leaned down to kiss her.
"Get a room please" Renji grunted as he tried to look away from the overly sweet couple. Luckily at that moment his girlfriend Tatski arrived.
"And that is how the good Rukia Kuchiki live happily ever after" Rukia's grandmother finished narrating to the small kids seating on the table far away from the couples.
"How?" Orihime asked childishly as she sat beside the children. "How did their relationship changed?"
"Ah. It was because of the simple words he said that day Rukia quitted her college and asked for everyone's forgiveness. He said "You had become strong, Rukia" then held her hand. Ever since that day, he had stayed beside her and supported her in every possible way. I am glad my granddaughter accepted his proposal. All I wanted for her is to have a good life and act more lady like. It was not my intention to say those words to her back then. I was just enraged at her nonchalant attitude when her father died. I thought she was heartless but she had proved me wrong" she said.
"Rukia-chan was a strong woman indeed. She faced her troubles and is courageous enough to face the consequences of her choices. She was my idol back then" Orihime admitted. "I wanted to be like her; kind, strong, beautiful and smart"
"Rukia" Byakuya called her as he hugged her tightly. By now he had taken Rukia away from everyone's eyes but him "Have I told you how much I loved you?" he asked her as he looked down at her violet eyes.
Rukia looked up at her husband. "Nope" she lied.
Byakuya ruffled her hair and then kissed her nose cutely.
.
.
.
.
.
Fin.
A/N: "The piece won the contest" was just a lie pulled by the professors. Rukia's story is in truth the worst piece ever, but they were afraid that she will indeed commit suicide.
When Ichigo found the piece written by Rukia, he become very fearful of her well-being. He knew she was strong, but he also know that being alone can cause people to think about suicide especially if that someone had wrote a very horrible death story.
The reason why Rukia wanted to be a writer is because she had a crush with a literature professor, Byakuya. And at that time, she still don't know what she wanted to become. So when she and Kaien, her father accompanied her to enroll they choose literature. She and her father always talk about her future as a successful writer. And thus Rukia build her ambition around it. Yet as time passed by, she realized that she isn't cut to be a good writer instead she wanted to join the army. Her grandmother didn't like the idea. She suspected that if she quit right now that she will soon graduate after 5 years in college will be shameful. She was afraid that people will laugh at her, her siblings especially Hisana would feel betrayed and disappoint her dad's expectation when he had died. She was blaming herself for being incompetent enough to graduate sooner before he died.
Hisana decided to quit studying and focus her attention in taking care of their sick father. She sacrificed her dream to become a nurse in order for Rukia to continue studying. She knew how much determined Rukia is to finish her studies and thought to herself that their mother won't be able to afford her tuition anyhow. Rukia will soon graduate anyway since her course is only 4 year long. And if so, Rukia will surely help her get back to school if she get a job as a teacher.
Rukia skipped class because she couldn't bear to be in the same class as her pretentious classmates. She had realized by then that she never will be able to see herself as a writer or a teacher. She then had started to take extra class at School of Army. The money sent by her mother were secretly used to pay her tuition at the Seiretei Academy, an expensive Army academy. Through her scholarship there and her part time job, she had successfully reached 2nd year level in a year. She was apparently a genius when it comes to military tactics and discipline. She had discovered her passion and it is to protect.
As for Rukia's grandmother; Kaien's mother weird impression was because Rukia had never been very close with any of her father's relatives and there were some bad blood between them. Rukia acted so heartless and cold during her father's burial. She even smiled devilishly after the event. Her grandmother had saw her laugh that day when everyone were crying over her son's death. And it pissed her off, thus she had said what she said.
Wonder why Rukia laughed? She loved her father more than anyone else, she was a daddy's girl. It is because of that, that she couldn't find anyway how to relieve herself from her stress but act like she didn't care. Apparently, that's her way of coping up with that mind shattering event, and thus she feared to lose her mind if she cried and pour her emotion.
Ending Quote:
No amount of guilt can change the past; and no amount of worry can change the future. If it is destined for you, even if it is hidden at the bottom of the abyss you will get it. Yet if it isn't destined for you, you will never have it even if it were on your lip. – Omar Ibn Al-Khattab