A/N- I have been wanting to write an Alphas fanfic since episode one, but couldn't figure out what I wanted to write, until I saw the season finale. I really wanted a little more on Gary's reaction to the loss of Anna. This is written in first person present tense, which is not usually the way I write. Hopefully it turned out alright, it is a lot shorter than I was planning. The title is taken from a song by Bouncing Souls. Enjoy! ~cof2e2
Anchors Aweigh
I walk back and forth, up and down the hallway. Moving around feels better than sitting in my office. I didn't even want to come to work today, I wanted to stay home in my bedroom, but I used up all my sick days, and you have to go to work when you don't have any more sick days. When Dr. Rosen picked me up this morning I told him, "I don't want to go to work" but he said that it would be good for me. I told him I want to be alone, but he said we would have group therapy and I can talk to my friends about how I am feeling. But I don't wanna talk. The only friend that I want to talk to is Anna, but I can't talk to her because she is dead. She got shot, and she should have been wearing a bullet proof vest like I was, but she wasn't, and it wouldn't have even mattered anyway, because she got shot in the head. They shouldn't have shot Anna because she couldn't protect herself, and she wasn't even gonna hurt anyone. Now that Anna is gone I feel alone all the time, even when I'm with other people, and that doesn't make any sense.
Dr. Rosen says it's okay to feel sad when your friend dies, but he shouldn't say that about Anna because he wasn't friends with Anna. He didn't even want me to be friends with Anna either.
Nina comes out of her office as I am walking down the hallway again, and she blocks my way so I can't walk past her.
"Gary, you've been pacing since you got here this morning, you're making my dizzy," Nina says. "Would you please sit down for a while?"
"I don't want to sit down, Nina," I tell her. "I want to keep pacing. You're in my way." I try to step around her, but she moves too so she is still in my way. "Nina, don't annoy me today. I'm already agitated," I say.
Nina crosses her arms over her chest. "Why are you agitated, Gary?" she says, and it is a question, so I am supposed to answer, even though I don't feel like talking.
"I have a bad attitude," I tell her, because it is the truth and it is a short answer.
"I don't think that's the real answer, Gare," she says, and this time it is not a question, but I answer anyway.
"I do have a bad attitude. I don't lie, Nina. You said that. Even though sometimes I do, just for practice. But I'm not good at it. And I'm not lying right now. I would tell you if I was," I explain.
Nina laughs a little when I say that, even though it wasn't a joke. "Okay, so you're not lying, but maybe you're not telling me everything, right?" Nina says.
I am confused by that. "Of course I'm not telling you everything, Nina. It would take too long to tell you everything. There isn't enough time to say everything. That doesn't make any sense."
"You're being too literal, Gary," Nina says. People say that I am too literal all the time, but that's not my fault, because people are always saying things that they don't mean, and it gets confusing.
"I just mean that I think that you're pacing for another reason," Nina finishes, and I wish that she had just said that to start with. It would have saved time.
"I'm restless today," I tell her. "And I feel better when I move around. And I didn't want to come to work today, but I had to, and Dr. Rosen wants me to talk and express myself, but I don't want to do that either."
"What do you want?" Nina asks.
I don't know the answer to that question so I have to think about it for a little bit. "I want to be left alone right now," I decide.
Nina sighs, and she looks like she is either sad or tired. Sad and tired facial expressions look very similar and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.
"Gary, look, I know you're upset about Anna-" Nina starts to say, but I interrupt her.
"Anna was my friend, not everybody else's," I tell her. "And everybody wants to talk about her now like they liked her, but that's a lie, 'cause nobody liked her. Nobody even wanted me to be friends with her. Everybody needs to stop pretending."
"Gary-" Nina starts to say, and she puts her hand on my shoulder.
"I don't like to be touched," I say, and move my shoulder so she isn't touching me anymore. "No one is supposed to touch me, it's a rule. Except my mom sometimes hugs me, and Anna held my hand one time, but no one else."
Nina sighs again, and this time I can tell that her facial expression is sad and not tired.
"Stop pretending that you're sad!" I say and my voice is louder now because I am more agitated than I was before. "It's a lie! Everybody is pretending that they are sad about Anna being dead, but nobody is really sad, because nobody really liked my friend!" I am yelling now, even though that is not an appropriate reaction to being upset.
"Gary, of course we're sad," Nina says, and her voice is a lot softer than my yelling.
Rachel comes out of her office because she heard me yelling and her office is right next door to Nina's so she is closest to the yelling. She doesn't say anything right away.
"Gary, everyone here is your friend, right?" Rachel asks after not saying anything for a little while.
"Yes." I say.
"And friends look out for each other and worry about each other, right?" Rachel continues.
"Yes," I say. "Friends watch each other's backs." That is a saying, and it is not literal.
Rachel comes closer so that she is standing right in front of me. When people stand like that it is because they want to make eye contact, but I don't like making eye contact, so I look at the wall over Rachel's shoulder instead.
"Gary, no one is lying about being sad that Anna died," Rachel says. "We're sad because you're our friend, and losing Anna made you sad. That's called empathy."
"Empathy," I repeat. "Empathy."
"That's right, Gare. Empathy," Nina says. Both Nina and Rachel sometimes call me 'Gare'. Not because they got my name wrong but because it is a nickname, and nicknames are a sign of affection. They call me Gare because they like me.
"When someone is sad about something their friends feel sad right along with them," Nina tells me. "We know that Anna was your friend, and we feel sad for you because you lost your friend."
My eyes burn because that's what happens when you want to cry. I hardly ever cry. I don't say anything for a little while because I am too sad to, and Nina and Rachel don't say anything either. "I feel sad because my friend died," I express myself.
Rachel and Nina both have tears. I don't cry, but my friends cry for me. And I feel a little less alone than I did before.
The End
A/N- This is my first Alphas fic, and I hope I did justice to the wonderful character of Gary. I have worked with a number of autistic people over the years (I am a care worker for mentally disabled) and I found myself frequently writing Gary more like one of the autistic guys I know. I had to keep redirecting myself to keep Gary in character. Hopefully I did alright. Reviews are much appreciated!