Why was he having this affect on me? He should not be having this affect on me! I willed my cheeks to turn back to their original color. Hell, I didn't care they could be ghost white. Just not red, especially from blushing. All it was, was a kiss. That's it. No big deal. The world wasn't going to end. But they way his warm lips felt on mine. The way they moved. How his arms wrapped around me and- Stop it, Kate! You were pretty much drunk. You couldn't account for your actions. I didn't know how to feel. My mind was trying to be rational and my stomach just about filled up with butterflies every time I thought of him.
I tapped my pen on my desk while last night kept replaying in my head. Over. And over. And over again.
I sighed and clenched my teeth together frustrated. I couldn't focus on this paper work.
I felt like a teenage girl that had no control over her emotions. I felt almost vulnerable and didn't how to think, how to feel.
This is just crazy!
I heard footsteps behind me. His footsteps. This is bad. I know the sound of his walk. He sat in his chair and had this smile on his face. He wore a navy blue button up shirt that was tucked in perfectly in his dark jeans. My throat tighten as I examined his chest and the tight sleeves against his strong arms that were- Stop!
"Kate-" he said but was cut off automatically.
"Castle, last night was a mistake." I said. I didn't even know what I was saying. I didn't even know why I was saying it. I knew that's not how I felt. Not at all. Then why was I saying it? "I was drunk. I drank to much at the haunt."
"You had two beers." he said. His eye brows knit together.
I could tell that I hurt him. The twinkle in his eyes was gone. Vanished. It was replaced with the dullness of the sad look he was feeling in the pit of his gut. Probably like someone gave him a blow when he was least expecting it. I regretted it immediately. I was starting to feel sick myself.
I didn't know what to say. I just had my mouth parted dumbfounded.
"I understand." he said almost awkwardly. Almost. "Well, I was just heading out. See you, uh, later."
"Castle," I said but he was standing up putting his coat on.
"Beckett, It's fine. I understand to the fullest." he put on the worlds fakest smile.
"But…" I said. He didn't hear. He was already walking away. Vanished like the twinkle in his eye.
I should not be doing this. Why cant I be a coward and just call him? I paced back and forth outside his apartment door debating whether to knock or just leave. I brushed my hand through my hair. I took a few deep breaths. Oh, what the hell. I lifted my hand and knocked twice.
"Did someone order something?" I could hear Castle asked just before he opened the door. "Beckett?"
"Castle.." I said and cleared my throat.
"What's up? Do you need something?" he looked concerned probably because of the confused, I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing look on my face.
"Ugh… I …" I sighed. "Do you want to go grab something to eat?" I asked.
"I actually just ate." he said. I would have considered it extremely rude if the concerned look wasn't still on his face.
"Maybe grab a beer or something?" I almost begged.
"Kate…" he said. "You don't have to be doing this. I understand how you feel-"
"You do? Because I don't even know how I feel."
"You don't want- wait.. What?" he asked. He turned his head around quickly to see how much privacy they had. Alexis was sitting at the counter on her laptop and Martha was making something. Probably a drink. Castle closed the door. They stood in the hall way facing each other.
"How can you know how I feel when I don't even know how I feel?" I repeated.
"I understood loud and clear earlier today." he said. He folded his arms over his chest and almost had a pouty look on his face. If I wasn't mad I would have laughed.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked. I put my hands on my hips.
"Oh, come on Kate. 'It's was a mistake' doesn't take a lot of speculating."
"But… I.. I didn't mean it." I almost whispered. My hands fell from my hips. I lost all the control in the conversation when the guilty in my stomach started to rise to my throat.
"You didn't? It seemed like you did."
"Can we just pretend I didn't say it?" I asked beseechingly.
He looked away angry.
Great! This is just great! I knew I should have just walked away like the coward I was.
"Please." I said more sternly. My teeth were clenched together.
"Where you really drunk?" he asked.
I sighed. I blinked holding my eyes closed longer than necessary. When I looked up at him he seemed closer. "No. I wasn't."
"Then why did you say it?" he asked.
I shook my head. "It seemed like an easier explanation than all the rest." I bit my lip.
He almost smiled. Almost.
But the twinkle was back in his eye. Dancing like a ballerina.