A/N: This takes place post the Penelope Papers.
…
He hung up the phone, a defeated look on his face. The phone conversation with his father had not gone as well as he had hoped. He wanted an apology, or something like it. He doubted that his father was ever sorry for what he did. But what Tim wouldn't do for a little remorse…
His father had dealt serious blows to his self-esteem. Nothing was ever good enough. He tried so, so hard, and yet nothing he did ever earned him a "good job Tim," or an "I love you." He doesn't remember his father ever saying that he loved his son.
He knows that his father loves him, he does. But Penny had been right. His father loves him, he just has no clue how to show it. Like Gibbs.
"You are here late, McGee," came a voice from in front of him. He jumped nearly three feet in the air as he noticed Ziva standing in front of his desk, studying him.
"I was just leaving," he replied, going to stand up.
"Tim. Sit," she commanded, walking around the desk until she was next to him. She leaned back onto the desk, crossing her arms.
"What are you-"
"What is wrong?" she interrupted him.
"Nothing," he replied, quickly.
"I know you are lying to me," she pointed out, "Who was that on the phone?"
"You were listening?" he asked, his eyebrows raised.
"No, I simply saw you hang up the phone. Why do you look so purple?"
"You mean blue?"
"Yes. That."
"It was my father," he told her, his eyes downcast. She nodded, her face grim.
"I see. What did he say?"
"It's been seven years since I've seen him, Ziva. Seven years. All I wanted was for him to simply acknowledge that he might have missed me. But he didn't. He treated me like he always had. When I told him I had made it to Junior field agent, he asked me why I wasn't senior. When I told him I had helped Penny get through this alive, he asked why I hadn't kept her from it in the first place. Nothing is ever good enough, nothing!" he explained. Ziva sighed.
"He loves you, you know that," she replied.
"He doesn't do a very good job of showing it," he mumbled.
"He doesn't know how," she told him.
"He could at least try! He could at least try to act like he gives a crap about me!"
"He will try, McGee. But he is a soldier, is he not? Being a soldier was his whole life. Fighting for his country was his whole life. He was trying to prepare you for the real world. I am not saying what he did was right, he should never have neglected you like that, but he knows what horrors the world holds. He was trying to make you tough. Believe it or not, it is their way of showing they love us," she told him, not noticing her slip up. But Tim did.
"Us? You are talking about your father, too, aren't you?" he wondered. She looked away.
"My father was different."
"Yeah, only because he succeeded in making you tough," he replied.
"Are you saying that he didn't succeed with you? Because trust me, Tim, he did."
"What are you talking about? I'm not as tough as you or DiNozzo or Gibbs-"
"That's not what I mean. You are the most mentally resilient person I know. You put up with Tony's crap, and Gibbs, hell, even sometimes mine! You don't let Gibbs get to you, and you don't let the teasing bother you. You are very tough, Tim."
"Not as kickass as you," he replied.
"I am not nearly as tough on the inside, McGee," she replied, her eyes downcast.
"He hurt you," he observed.
"I was only his pawn. I actually believed he loved me…"
"He does, Ziva. But you are right. He is a soldier. He loves his country, and he is willing to make sacrifices for it. But those sacrifices should never be at the expense of an innocent human being. He shouldn't have dragged you into this. It's not fair to you," Tim told her.
"I… his love for me is not strong. It was weak enough for him to not be effected when he sent me to my death in Somalia. It was there, in that cell, that… that I truly realized what a terrible person he was. He would leave his only living child in the desert, to die a slow and agonizing death. He would leave her there to be tortured, raped, made to believe that she was unloved. His love for me was so weak that he wouldn't even call to see how I was doing after he found out I had survived. He may love me, but not nearly enough."
"Your father… is not a good guy, Ziva."
"I know that. He made me a killing machine. He buried my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if what happened to me in Somalia happened for a reason. It broke that hard shell I used to protect the human part of me. It got rid of the assassin façade, and left me with nothing but my own feelings. I am human, now, Tim."
"My father pushed me. He pushed me hard. Nothing-
"Was ever good enough," Ziva and McGee both said at the same time.
"Exactly. With him, it was just tough love. Fathers… should not do that to their children. The effects are devastating. It makes you feel unloved, unwanted. It makes you think that nothing you ever do will ever be good enough, for anyone. Gibbs is that way, as well, but what Gibbs does actually benefits me. He makes me better at my job. My father never did. He only made me retract into my shell even more."
"That's the trouble with our fathers, McGee. They loved us, but they didn't know how to show it. In my case, he just gave up. He forgot he loved me, and I became nothing but a soldier. In your case… He really does love you, Tim. Take advantage of that. Do not let him get away."
"I didn't realize we had so much in common," Tim told her. Ziva smiled kindly.
"We were both hurt. But I can't fix my relationship with my father, it is too far gone. You can fix yours. Go visit him."
"I think I will. Thank you, Ziva," he told her, gratefully. She patted his hand, giving him a small nod.
"Anytime. Just know that to us, you are special. You can not be replaced."
A/N: SO… tell me what you think it was really a pleasure to write, so I really am looking forward to the feedback! But it was also difficult to write, because the more I kept going the more I realized how different Eli and McGee's father are.
I hope this was okay please review!