Author's note: No copyright infringement intended.
He's drowning in his lies. Lies and excuses and injustices and betrayals.
His golden King calls him a loyal friend. The Knights call him a devoted servant. Gaius calls him a selfless hero. But Merlin knows he is none of those things. Who he really is, down to the deepest depths of his soul, is a coward. A useless, lying traitor who can not even look at himself in the mirror lest he see the monster he has turned into for the sake of destiny.
So many people have hurt his King, his master, his destiny, but none so much as himself. Merlin has long ago taken over that role, undesired though it is.
How many lies can he utter before Albion herself destroys him for his selfishness? How many truths can he hide before his magic deserts him for his unworthiness? How many hurts can he inflict on one man who deserves nothing but happiness before Merlin can no longer let himself live a lie?
One truth, Merlin knows, will unravel his web of lies. Just one. It doesn't matter which secret is to come to light, it will only take one to destroy his kingdom of betrayal.
Merlin knows one day it will all come crashing down. He doesn't know whether to hope for it or to hide from it.
"Merlin, are you alright?"
Merlin looks at his King, his friend, and wants to scream it all out. No! I'm not alright. I'm suffocating in the cloud of my own faults and I just want to curl up and hide from the world forever, from the hurts and the pain. There's been so much pain, Arthur, and there's been so much death. And it's all my fault!
But instead he forces a grin onto his face and says, "I'm fine, Sire."
What's another lie to add to the never-ending list?
Morgana steals his magic from him: his whole reason for living, his only weapon against her.
The lack of magic robs him of breath and focus and reason.
But he won't let his King die.
So he prepares a list full of treacherous lies even as he sets out the armor that will protect his sovereign. But when the time comes to utter them, to abandon his friend, Merlin's courage fails him. He says nonsense and Arthur smiles at him proudly.
Merlin rides out with his King and Queen and the army of Camelot. He is being smothered by his lies.
He leaves alone at night, wandering through the forest quietly and as quickly as he can. He doesn't have his magic but he's been a soldier for years now; he knows how to move without being seen or heard. He reaches the cave without incident.
Morgana is waiting for him.
She taunts him even as she hides from him though he is defenseless against her. Merlin challenges her to fight him face to face.
The sword in his hand is steady because for all his lies he has never lied about this: Morgana is wrong and he has never and will never be afraid of her. Even with his magic gone and his destiny slipping through his fingers like water, he does not fear her.
She runs away from him, burying him under miles of earth and rocks.
It turns out, Morgana Pendragon is a coward too.
He is buried alive but he barely notices because he has been buried under the pressure of his lies for years now. He's used to not being able to draw in a breath of fresh air untainted by guilt. He's used to not seeing the sun and the sky because he can only focus on which story he is making up at the moment lest he let the truth slip out.
Merlin sees a flicker of unnatural blue light behind him and makes his way towards it even though his head is spinning and his left leg isn't working quite right.
Morgana was foolish to leave him alive in the very cave that he left Arthur's side to reach.
The very magic of the place is calling to him, and he can feel the power running through every crack and crevice even though it no longer runs through his veins.
His leg refuses to lift over a rock and he falls headfirst into the ground and he loses consciousness.
Merlin returns to himself with fire in his blood and thunder in his voice and gold in his eyes.
He doesn't hesitate to look into the crystals swimming with possible futures no matter the pain they cause to slam into his mind. He finds what he needs and appears in Arthur's tent with merely a thought.
He tells his King of yet another betrayal and does not think about why Arthur is looking at him as if he is worried about Merlin of all people, because he has forgotten that he is covered in dirt and blood. And when Arthur asks him how he came to this knowledge; Merlin wants to tell him, I have magic and I have protected you for so long and Morgana wants me dead just as much as she wants you dead but I can't allow that so I went to get my magic back—not for me, but for you, Arthur. Always for you, Arthur. And she was there to stop me but she couldn't and I wasn't strong enough to kill her so instead she buried me alive and I became one with my magic and looked into the future and that's how I know, how I've always known...
But he cannot distract Arthur with his betrayal on the eve of battle so he cannot tell the truth. He does not look into his friend's eyes as he lies yet again.
Merlin is no longer buried under rock and dirt but he is still buried alive underneath his guilt.
His King orders him to stay with Gaius and Gwen to help with the wounded and Merlin nods and says, "Yes, Sire," though he has no intention of obeying.
He leaves without a glance at his friends behind him as soon as Arthur is out of sight.
The battle rages on and Merlin rains his fury down upon these traitors who dare set themselves against Arthur Pendragon.
But only from the shadows because he is still afraid and he does not want Arthur to hate him. So he follows behind his King and he kills anyone who dares to get too close. Arthur fights like he always does and in his battle rage he does not notice the dead only the enemies attacking him.
Merlin throws an opponent into the rock wall and a sword into the other attacker's heart at the same time. The battle has gone on for so long, too long. He could stop it all if only he was brave enough.
His eyes scour the battlefield, seeing so many dead. He could have saved them all.
But he does not find his King.
Fear stops his heart.
How could he have been so foolish to let Arthur out of his sight even for a moment? This is Camlann, this is where Arthur is destined to die! And Merlin had let him go.
Merlin's terror stops the battle with lightning and thunder and and the very land shakes underneath him though he notices nothing but the empty presence by his side.
He runs and runs, searching with everything he is until his magic senses the golden presence that has always been Arthur. He breathes again but then his blood runs cold when he sees who is behind his King, his sword raised to strike.
Mordred.
Time stops.
He means to scream a spell, to stop this monster from killing everything that is good in Merlin's world, but again his tongue betrays him. "Arthur!"
Time starts again but it's oh so slow. Arthur turns his head to Merlin's cry. Mordred's sword lowers. And Merlin runs.
He crashes into Arthur just as the sword finishes its long arch. It slices through Merlin's body, spilling his blood upon the ground.
Merlin falls to his knees just as Arthur plunges his sword into Mordred's chest.
"Merlin!" His King is calling his name and Merlin needs to respond but he can't seem to move.
He sees the blood pooling around him, feels every drop leave him, but he feels no pain. This is not the first time that Merlin has been stabbed with a sword and he no longer sees the need to focus on such mundane things.
Instead he stares at Mordred's dead body, Arthur's sword still embedded in his heart. He stares and stares at Arthur's doom lying dead and he does not know what to think.
For once in his life, Merlin has not failed. Arthur still lives.
"Emrys!" Rage personified screams his prophesied name and Merlin snaps back to himself.
There are many possible futures: Mordred lies dead but Morgana still lives. And she is still crying for Arthur's blood.
Merlin stands against his King's orders to face her: he will not bow to her.
She comes to them on Aithusa's back, on Merlin's dragon. Aithusa, the dragon he had called into this world, who stood for hope and good, is fighting against Arthur.
Merlin does not think about Arthur standing beside him, his sword at the ready. He does not think about abusing his power as a Dragon Lord. He sees only his dragon trying to kill his King and there is no choice.
He shouts the words, commands her against her will to drop the burden she is carrying. She screams and cries but she cannot stand against his will. She flips over suddenly and Morgana falls to the ground screaming rage.
Merlin has always known all it would take was one truth and his world would come crashing down.
But Merlin is sick of his world of lies and guilt and betrayal. It's time for his kingdom to fall, no matter the consequences.
Morgana screams for Aithusa to kill them, kill them all even as she readies her last spell. She says the words and Merlin does not know the incantation but he sees Mordred's sword raise and begin to fly towards Arthur's unprotected back. But he also sees Aithusa readying her fire to burn them all to ash.
And Merlin knows he cannot stop them both in time.
He raises his hand and his eyes flash golden and the sword changes target.
Morgana's scream cuts short as she stares at the sword embedded in her chest. She falls to the ground, lifeless at last.
Merlin is aware of Arthur staring at him but he has no time to say anything because the dragon is coming for them.
Aithusa screams as Morgana dies and launches herself at them even as she opens her mouth and washes them in fire. Merlin holds back the flames even as he commands the wind to snap her away from the sky. She cries at the whirlwind that suddenly surrounds her but she is helpless to its power.
Merlin feels nothing as the wind snaps her wings in pieces. She falls to the ground.
But Arthur, Arthur is still not safe. Because Aithusa is still alive and she can no longer fly but she can direct her fall.
"No!" he screams and he throws Arthur aside with his magic, away from the danger.
And then Merlin is buried underneath darkness and all he can feel is Aithusa's talons piercing his chest.
Time passes and Merlin is aware only of the golden presence his magic assures him is safe. Arthur is close but Merlin has no more strength to fight.
No more strength to lie.
And he has no courage to tell the truth at last.
He knows he is dying, he can feel his life force abandoning him, but he sees no reason to convince it to stay.
Arthur knows. His lies have come undone.
And Merlin can not face Arthur when all the truth has come out. He has always known that he is betraying Arthur but he is not strong enough to face him now that Arthur knows.
So many lies to build an entire kingdom. Just one truth for it all to come crashing down.
Merlin does not know how but suddenly there is light blinding him and he is no longer buried underneath a dragon's body.
His King—glorious in the light—looks down at him with his piercing blue eyes. "Merlin?" He does not sound angry; he sounds defeated and sad.
Because of Merlin.
"I'm sorry, Sire," he forces out of his mouth even though every word brings pain such as he has never known.
Arthur falls to his knees and his face is so sad and Merlin's heart breaks. He wants to make him smile again but there is nothing he can do. He no longer has the right even if he had the strength.
Nothing except to finally tell the truth, no matter how little time he has to unravel the years of lies he has uttered.
"Merlin, it's okay, just...just breathe, okay?" It's a command but a question at the same time and Merlin doesn't understand why Arthur cares anymore. Not after all that Merlin has done to him.
"S...Sire," He starts but it hurts so much and he has to stop.
"Merlin, it's okay. Just, just don't try to talk," Arthur snaps. Ah, there it is, the anger. Merlin welcomes it just so long as Arthur does not sound defeated anymore. "Just focus on breathing."
But Merlin will never have another chance and he is so sick of all the lies. Doesn't his King deserve the truth?
"Arthur, I'm sorry. Magic...born wi—born." He can't get the words out correctly and that's not right, Arthur deserves the whole truth and not jumbled excuses. "Born—ma—magic. So—sorr—sorry. Lies...Guilty...Sorry...Si—Sire." It's not enough, there's so much more to say but Merlin can't force anything more out of his mouth but blood.
"Merlin, please," his King begs and there are tears falling from his eyes. He holds onto Merlin, his hands putting pressure on some of the wounds but he can't possibly cover them all. "Please, it's alright. I don't care. Not right now. Just, for once in your life, be quiet!"
And Merlin is, because he can't speak any more. He doesn't know how much time passes, he is only aware of Arthur trying to keep him alive even after all of his lies. Even after the truth.
Merlin has never deserved someone so good and pure as Arthur.
"Merlin, you have magic," his King says suddenly.
"Sorry," he breathes though he's not sorry that he has magic, he's just sorry that he betrayed Arthur with his magic.
"No. Merlin, just heal yourself."
Merlin frowns, trying to think past the pain and the cloud that seems to have settled over his mind.
"Merlin, as your King...as your fr—as your friend, I command you to heal yourself. Using your magic."
And Merlin wants to scream at the world, at the unfairness of their lives, but instead he settles for crying. "I—can't, Si..." he tries to explain but he's fading fast and his voice is slipping from him.
"Why not?" Arthur pleads with him and Merlin wishes with all that he is that he could do whatever it is that Arthur wants from him.
"Doesn't..." He has to stop and try to breathe before he can continue. "Healing...not...my st—strong..." The words slip from him and he can't remember what he was trying to say in the first place.
"Merlin...please, stay with me."
And Merlin would do anything within his power to obey that command but against this battle, he's helpless.
"Arthur..." these words are important enough to push past the pain and the darkness closing in around him. "Pl—please, don't...ha—hate...me."
There is silence then and Merlin knows his request was selfish and foolish. Of course, his King will hate him, how could he not? After Merlin has lied to him and hurt him and betrayed him and used his magic against Arthur? How can he even look at Merlin with anything but hate in his eyes and rage in his voice?
"No, Merlin," his King finally says but Merlin knows he's lying. Only Arthur's lies are not for himself but for the man dying in his arms. "No, I won't hate you. I'll never hate you."
A shudder wracks through Merlin's mess of a body and he cries out. His hand flails around but he can't stop it no matter how much he tries. Arthur grabs it in both of his and holds onto it as if by his touch alone he can force Merlin to stay.
"Merlin, please...please don't leave me," Arthur begs.
But Merlin has always been the worst servant in the five kingdoms and he's not going to change now. "So—sorry, Sire."
"No!" Arthur screams but he does not let go of Merlin's hand.
Merlin breathes in a ragged breath that burns his throat and looks one last time into Arthur's eyes. He wishes he was brave enough to grant his friend's request and stay to face all of his lies.
But Merlin's eyes roll upward, his body goes limp, and he breathes no more.
Merlin has, after all, always been a coward.
Author's note: So...For any other fandom I hate reading and I certainly don't write death fics but apparently Merlin is the exception. So here this is...I love the way the show did it (though I will never be okay with Arthur's death) but I think it was very well written, beautifully acted and just really well done. And in no universe do I wish that this story had happened instead but that's what fanfiction is for right? And yes, I do know that Aithusa is male but for some strange reason I have a hard time writing it that way and since this is very clearly an alternate universe I just went ahead and changed it.
Anyway, thanks for reading and I'm sorry for this story. Please don't hate me...
Comments are welcome anytime if you're feeling so generous!