1.
Kakashi was going to murder sensei's child. Violently. With one finger. No. No no no, wait that was too harsh. With one hand. There, now it can't be said Kakashi wasn't a fair man.
Eye twitching, he tore his gaze away from the too blue sky and back down to the scene of the crime because, hey, maybe his mind had exaggerated things a bit, maybe it wasn't as bad as he'd thought it was and— Oh. Nope. Nope, it was that bad.
Kakashi didn't scream but it was a very close thing. "Oh god it's everywhere!"
Landing on the rooftop of the house across the street with ease, that little monster in human form turned around and actually had the gall to stick a tongue out at him! At him, the Copycat-nin! Grown men fled for their lives at the sight of him!
"Missed me missed me now you gotta kiss me!" With a laugh that was a whirlwind of noise and chaos, that evil demon child chucked his empty bucket aside and vaulted into the crowded streets below.
Resisting the urge to spit out obscenities, Kakashi ignored the snickering of the other Anbu and took off after him. He was ashamed to admit it took him nearly an hour to catch the little shit and dump him in front of the Hokage's desk.
He was about to leave for a well-deserved shift change when the Hokage cleared his throat meaningfully.
Kakashi forced himself to stop in front of the door.
"Ah, Hound-san," he said, the epitome of perfect composure even as the hellion kicked and screamed in the ropes Kakashi had made sure were triple knotted around him. "I hear rubbing alcohol works wonders in cases like this."
Looking down at his now bright orange Anbu gear, Kakashi managed to choke out a, "Thank you, Hokage-sama," before fleeing like the hounds of hell were at his heels.
It took him an entire week to get the orange paint out his hair.
2.
Naruto must take after Kushina. He must. There hadn't been a cruel bone in Minato's body, let alone anything capable of doing this. Ducking low in the shadows cast by the branches overhead, he watched it happen through the academy window, watched that little shit break into the teacher lounge during class hours, watched him substitute the cake that read: "Happy Birthday, Mizuki-sensei," with a horrifying replica. Horrifying as in horrifyingly obvious. It wasn't even the right shape!
Kakashi knew what this meant. He knew. He just really didn't want this to apply to him, really didn't want things to go this way, he'd just gotten back from a mission, he was tired, and yet—
The door came open not a second after Naruto had made it safely out the window with the real cake. The teachers were too absorbed in their gossiping to notice this, let alone the cake, and when they did, they promptly made the assumption any sane shinobi would upon finding that abomination waiting on their colleagues' desk.
"BOMB!"
"We've been infiltrated! Quick, evacuate the students!"
As the shrill sound of sirens began to fill the air and shinobi raced to their battle stations, Naruto at least had the decency to look as if he'd bitten into a lemon. In the now empty classroom, the fake cake couldn't stand the weight of the icing any longer and popped. A balloon. Of course.
The branch he was crouching on dipped under an additional weight the same instant a nervous voice reached his ears, "Hound-san, what are your orders, sir!?"
Kakashi hung his head low. He had a long day ahead of him.
3.
Kakashi loathed being on Jinchuuriki babysitting duty but he always signed up for it nonetheless. Since he couldn't care for the kid himself, he figured it was the least he could do for Minato and Kushina. He owed them this if nothing else.
But still. Jinchuuriki babysitting duty. Ugh.
He wasn't the only one who felt this way, in fact, this assignment had become a way of punishing members in Anbu whenever they stepped out of line. An effective strategy, yes, though it was more about filling the empty slots no one would willingly take than punishing insubordination. Sometimes this strategy didn't work, no, nobody wanted this assignment, they'd do anything short of betraying the village to get out of it. Which resulted in the occasional Anbu rock-paper-scissors tournaments to be held in the Forest of Death, tournaments so deadly and intense it ended friendships and caused many hardened veterans to dissolve into tears. So it goes without saying by willingly signing up between every mission he took, Kakashi had gained himself quite an amount of street cred. He was more feared and respected now than he'd ever been.
"I heard he personally dealt with the toilet bomb crises of January Fifth," a man in an owl mask whispered as Kakashi walked by.
"Well, I heard last month he single-handedly caught the little shit after he unleashed an entire stampede of circus animals on the village!"
"Again!?"
"...Again?"
Slamming his locker shut, Kakashi sighed, long, hard. How was this is life?
4.
"C'mon it's not that hard, you guys are just being ridiculous!" The rookie scoffed.
They always scoffed at first. Always.
"He's just a child! We're Anbu."
The other two Anbu on their team exchanged looks. Kakashi knew those looks even with the masks still in place, those scheming, conniving looks.
"Well well well, rookie," said Frog. "You really think you have what it takes to handle a child of all things? I dunno."
The lion shook his head with a disagreeable hum. "Yeah, I don't know. I don't think she can do it, Frog-san. She seems pretty unreliable."
"Mhm, mhm, you're totally right, Lion-san."
The rookie's deer mask looked back and forth between them.
Kakashi rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. He'd rather have the rookie's arrogance shattered here than out on the field where someone else could pay the price.
"I can do it!" Deer insisted. "I love kids!"
Frog crossed her arms. "Prove it."
Lion mirrored the movement. "Yeah. Prove it."
"I will! I'll prove it! You guys just stand back, I'll handle this myself!" On that note, Deer jumped away from the safety of their roof while Lion and Frog subtly fist-bumped.
After several minutes passed without the expected screams of terror, Kakashi went to investigate, leaving the duo to their game of poker. When he found Deer crouching behind a pile of shrubbery with her back facing him, it took everything he had not to facepalm himself into another dimension.
Neatly taped to Deer's back, was a bright orange paper that read: "Kick me!"
Kakashi promptly obliged.
5.
"Obito," Kakashi said one foggy early morning. "Obito, you have no idea the bullet you dodged. I smell like rotten fish, Obito. He threw a swordfish at me, Obito. I'm a jōnin and I nearly got impaled with a swordfish by a ten-year-old child in Konoha's market. The shopkeeper made me pay for the entire thing! I don't even like swordfish!"
He raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose only to gag at the scent still wafting from his fingers in ominous swirls of purple. He stared at the offending thing like it was the cause of everything bad in his life.
"Kushina-nee, when I pass on I'm going to castrate sensei. I know things like childbirth probably aren't possible on the other side, but it's best to be safe. My apologies in advance."
Tucked safely in the shade of a tall oak tree, Obito couldn't help but agree with Bakashi's previous statement. When it came down to it, he'd take a boulder over dealing with that monster kid any day. God knows Naruto was almost as bad as Itachi had been at that age. Unseen behind his mask, a grin that was downright evil splayed across his scarred face. But of course, he'd already gotten his revenge on that little punk Itachi. No one pulls the chair out from under Obito Uchiha and gets away with it!
6.
Naruto had an unfair amount of good luck on his side. Why else would he wind up stealing that scroll a mere hour after Kakashi had left the village? Luck was the only explanation for his narrow escape from Kakashi's vengeance.
Sadly for Naruto, however, that narrow escape must have drained him of all his luck for the time being, because the next day, the Hokage told Kakashi something very very interesting. The little shit, the one who'd spent the past twelve years of his life making Kakashi's miserable, was now to be under his care. In-ter-rest-ing.
That night, numerous civilians reported hearing the ominous sound of cackling coming from the Hatake's apartment. Most assumed he'd finally lost it and wisely stayed away.
7.
First order of business, Kakashi decided to lure Naruto into a false sense of security. Yes, Kakashi was nothing more than a lazy, unobservant jōnin who couldn't even dodge an eraser despite his years of experience dodging buckets of paint and glitter bombs (not that Naruto knew that). There was nothing to fear here. With that as insurance, Naruto would surely grow cocky and dig his own grave for Kakashi, who was all too well-versed in setting traps.
With his deception set within seconds of officially meeting, Kakashi needed to do no more than bide his time and wait for the right moment to strike. Yes, without a doubt, he would do this. He would avenge all of his comrades who had fallen to that beast! And when the glorious, long-awaited grave-digging moment finally did come around...
8.
"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
9.
Ah, Kakashi loved being fair.
A/N: Sup guys! I managed to finish a bunch of assignments early so I figured, ey, why not, might as well post something! Smh, my first Naruto fic and it's a crack fic, should'a expected nothing less from myself. Btw the bomb part was inspired by this: hAvVQVCF2os