Talk Small, Fight An Empire.
Hey! Hey you! Have you ever had a lousy year or day? Meand my battle droid friend stealth sure have. First we get captured by the Hutt Cartel and get experimented on, and then we get sent 50 years into the future! And now, even worse, we are being chased by some empire called "The First Order", a bunch of psychopaths if you ask me, and now, we're leaving Crait, and it seems we can't stop finding ourselves entering and leaving a battle with the resistance, and you probably want to have more clarity about this whole mess, don't you? Well it all begins about two months into the Clone Wars, I'm basically just searching for CIS tanks on Tatooine with my squadron, "THE TANKERS HAND", and then we spot a group of CIS recon battle droids, we have them surrounded, and then a Hutt Cartel ship appears out of nowhere and starts shooting at us, killing everyone except me and stealth, taking us into the ship, and then it's medical and repair rooms, I got operated on to see if there was any shrapnel in my body so that it doesn't interfere with the "experiment", wake up, feeling disconnected from command somehow, even though I basically was, and then this battle droid in the cell next to me wants to tell me something.
"Psst, hey, clone!" I heard, "What the?" I had said, then I noticed I could see a small hole in the wall, and the battle droid looking through it, "The name's Stealth, but my real name is S19-WE1TPM99, but nevermind that, what your name?" "Ummm…" I stuttered, trying to remember, "Demolition!" I said, "Real name CT-201579, so what do you need ya clanker?", "Wait what did you just call me? Ugh, nevermind, I know a way we can escape from here", and he pointed to a wall under construction, due to a hole being there, "If I can steal the guards keys, i'll bust us out of here and we can jump from there when the repair skiff arrives at it's dock, knock out the repair crew, get off the skiff, make a mad dash and get our guns back from the guards gun rack up there, and then steal the skiff and go somewhere.", 'You actually think this will work?" I had said, "yes, I have calculated a 45% success rate, so it seems pretty good' Stealth responded, "And why should I trust you?' I had asked, "because I don't want to be in this war anymore" he said back. "I think you're referencing something but i'm starting to think the same thing pal, so let's get this show on the road!".
We made to the gun rack before we got captured and were sent to the room where the "experiment" would take place, and the experiment, well, it was a giant bell shaped dome, with a sliding round door. And then, we heard a booming voice say "you two fellows were about to leave before all the fun we have prepared for you even started?". It was Morushimaniono The Hutt, one of the few scientist in The Hutt crime syndicate, and he was known to do crazy experiments, so we already had enough to know about him to fear him, and we were his new lab rats, "This, is my TIME MACHINE! HAHAHAHA! And you are the test subjects! Now go on! Get in there! See you in fifty years or so!" he said as he shoved us into this apparent time machine that would send us fifty years into the future. "WAIT WHAT?!" was all Stealth said before they closed the door on us, and then we heard Morushimaniono say how when the machines journey into fifty years had stopped, we had to pull that lever to open the door, and he wished us the best of luck.
As the machine started up, we heard screams of pain and terror outside, making us both panic before we both started to get pushed around as the time machine violently shook before it slowly started to stop, and then it did stop, I pulled down the lever, and to our horror, everyone was now just bones, and we had no idea what this new world had in store for us.
We carefully and slowly searched our way out of the destroyed ship, going out through a hole that had a gigantic mound of sand on it that we slid down on, and then we realized something: we had no idea where we were on tatooine and how much had changed in 50 years. We decided just to walk forwards, and about 45 minutes later, we came across a terrifying sight: an old battlefield, full of vehicles we had never seen before. "What happened here?" I asked stealth, although I knew he knew as much as I did about this site of carnage long gone. "You know as well as I do that I have no idea what happened, but maybe I could check their audio records," he responded.
Confused, I asked what audio records are, "They are a little known part of every vehicle, introduced two years before the Trade Federation tried to attack Naboo, they record basically anything that seems to involve a crime of sorts, or in case the vehicle had somehow crashed, then we could know what happened, let's just hope they haven't advanced much or still have their data." he said, "Oh, okay" I had responded, and then, without even notifying me that he had this on him, he pulled out a small remote, started to scan this giant four legged behemoth of a vehicle, and shouted obnoxiously, "IT WORKS!", and then played the audio. It was haunting, sounds of battle screeching all round this behemoth, and it's commander having a panic attack, and this is how it went: "THE REBELS ARE WINNING! QUICK SHOOT DOWN THAT U-WING BEFORE IT CAN DISABLE ONE OF OUR LEGS! HAHAHA! YES! OH NO NONO NO! WE'VE BEEN HIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL WEAPONS HAVE BEEN DISABLED? WE HAVE TO FIX THE-, SANDSPEEDERS! THEY'VE TIED UP OUR AT-AT'S LEGS! WE'RE GOING DOWN! WE'RE GOING DO-", and then there was the nearly cut off sound of a crash, further explaining the head of this apparent AT-AT as it was called head being crushed and mostly buried in the sand. We were both just silent, we didn't even bother to talk about the long pauses in the audio, and Stealth just said "let's just, let's just walk away from here, and by walk I mean run", and we ran from that nightmare zone, and 25 minutes later, we made to civilization.
The town was sprawling with life of all kinds, droids wandering, zabraks driving in their worn-out landspeeders, togrutas selling scrap parts, toydarians trying to tell everyone about the new podrace coming up, and jawas being jawas, and for some reason there was a crashed yacht sticking out of the ground, and we looked at this random junkyard to the left of us, and it was full of old decaying vehicles and vehicle parts, like a destroyed B-wing, a group of Y-wing stripped of their armor, some four wheeled ground vehicle I don't think we had never seen before all rusted up with hints of its pink paint job still remaining, looking like a relic of a post-war era in a galaxy far far away from this one, and some kind of small rounded triangle-like shaped looking ship getting repaired on that was at an angle that was hard to see, and the guy working on it and the woman who owned it looking distressed, and then we heard some person say, "what in the name of the New Republic? You guys just look like you're from the clone wars!" we turned around to see an old man and a wookie in a small landspeeder, "Yes actually we are! We were sent to this era in some kind of time machine, but we don't know what's happened so far." I said. The wookie gave a sad roar, and the old man gave us a look of sorrow, and then he told us how Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker was turned to the Dark Side to save his wife by the Chancellor of The Republic and secretly leader The CIS, who was also a sith lord in secret, killed nearly all the jedi, started the Galactic Empire, and how his brother-in-law helped a rebel group bring down the empire and redeemed his dad back to the light before he died after killing the Emperor, and how he remade the Jedi Order before his son, who was his brother in law's padawan, turned to Dark Side, joined The First Order, and messed everything up. After that we were just shocked, he told us that he wished us luck and said that they just opened a new part of the cantina here that served droids after a rebellion started around here and before he left we asked, "What town is this, and also what's your names?". "The name's Han Solo kid, and that's my friend Chewbacca, and you're in Mos Eisley right now, and it's not a very nice neighborhood, so again, best of luck.", and then they drove off.
"So… what now?" Stealth had asked, "Umm… look for that cantina?" I had suggested, and we both agreed, and then we noticed a large group of soldiers in white armor being led by what seemed like their commander who was in chrome armor, nearly blinding me, coming down the road, and towards the place we were standing at, the vehicle repair shop called "THE WONDER REPAIR SHOP!" and we noticed it's cheesy tourist trap sign saying "HOME OF THE MYSTERY FOUR WHEEL VEHICLE! WHAT IS IT? NOBODY KNOWS!", we snickered at its cheesiness and how we could just see it through the fence of the garage, but then we remembered that's how they work sometimes, and then were caught in the grasp of the soldiers commander, and it turns out she was female, and she said "What in the world is going on with you two? It looks like you were put into a time machine and sent from the clone wars to now!", "that's actually what happened" I had responded politely but nervously, and then she threw us on the ground, "how long have you been in this time for?" she asked us, "Three hours, ma'am." Stealth said in a scared voice. Then the ship being repaired blasted out of the garage, went into the sky getting shot at, and then boosting into hyperspace.
"Do you have anything to do with that?" The commander had asked us, aiming her blaster directly at us. "No, ma'am" we both responded, then we saw a shuttle with gigantic wings land, and two men in black suits, one with orangish hair, the other one with a helmet nearly covered by his hood came walking out with some people who seemed to be officers or generals, and when they arrived and looked at us, and the one in the helmet said in a dark and threatening droid-like voice said "take these two to the abandoned cantina for investigation now", and Stealth responded by saying "Why should we listen to you? What's your name anyway? What is even your dea-" was all he could say before the man in the helmet ignited his red crossguardlightsaber, revealing he was a sith, and I burst into a fit of rage and shot my blaster at him, he stopped it in midair using the force, and said "I am Kylo Ren of The First Order, and you are now to be taken prisoner for interrogation, and that was all I remembered before I passed out somehow, and I woke up the abandoned cantina with stealth looking at me, and even though droids can't show emotion through facial features, I could tell he was worried when he asked "Who's Sarah?".
"How do you know about Sarah?" I asked. "When you were passed out you were crying and saying "Sarah" and "Dooku will pay for this" over and over again, what the heck did Count Dooku do to you and Sarah man?", I responded saying "When the Clone Wars first started, my battalion was paired with a young Jedi human named Sarah Bo, she was about my age in clone years, which is like my mid-20's, and we were friends and then we basically just fell in love, and we said that when the Clone Wars were over, she would leave the Jedi Order so we could be together, but a week before I met you, we were tasked with assassinating Count Dooku, as we had his command ship in our sights, we broke into it, and it was a failure, and I saw Sarah literally have her hand cut off by Count Dooku, and get force pushed off the ledge she was on, and I ran over to her, picked he up, and before she died she said, "I will always be there for you, even in your darkest hours" before she vanished in front of my very eyes, and my comrades tried to call me over to the ship, before Count Dooku was right in front of me, but he had a look of sorrow, and he said "I didn't mean to push her that far" and gave me her lightsaber, but then he said in an annoyed voice with an annoyed look, "But don't ever try to kill me, again" and force pushed me towards my comrades, and then the blast doors shut closed, and I was screaming and banging at the door saying that he would pay for this and that I would kill him, before I was pulled into our ship and I watched crying as his damaged ship blasted off into hyperspace."
"Oh", Stealth responded sadly, and then me and Stealth were pulled out of our makeshift cell and into the interrogation room, which was the old bar, and the man with the orange hair said, "I am General Hux of The First Order, and I am going to interrogate you now, and don't even think about escaping, because Captain Phasma and Kylo Ren are right behind you, and they will kill you, and now, what do you know about the Resistance?", "The Resistance?" me and Stealth both said. "THE RESISTANCE!" Hux shouted at the top of his lungs, and then he kept asking us about this apparent "Resistance" over and over again, and we kept saying that we had no idea what he was talking and that it should have been obvious that we were from another time period, but he didn't care and contacted "The Supreme Leader" for permission to execute us, and then Stealth punched Hux in the face and he fell down a conveniently placed spiral stairwell and kept shouting out swears and noises of pain as he fell down, bu then we saw the hologram of "The Supreme Leader" on the floor, who disgusted us with his scarred face and menacing scowl, before shouting "KILL THEM ALREADY!", and then Kylo Ren and Captain Phasma tried to kill us, but then it seemed as if a Jedi force pushed them into a cluster of tables, and I swore I heard Sarah say quietly, "Run!", and we did, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought that she still was with me, and maybe even my friend Stealth too, and we ran and ran until we were lost in the middle of the town, and it seems that there were still First Order troops around here.
Then we saw something, a flying mobile starship depot (yes those exist), and we climbed up the stairs into it, everyone staring at us in a dazed and confused look as usual, we walked up to the shop owners and said, "do you have any travel and cargo sized medium ships with a hyperdrive at a cheap price?", and the shop owners, a Squib and a Jawa, were just confused, and before they could ask us what the heck was going on with us, Stealth said "Blame Morushimaniono The Hutt.", and they just nodded, and the Squib said, "I'll give you a bargain, if you buy two blasters, will give you an XC-2000 for 50 credits, you have enough right?" and then the jawa said "Why don't you stop trying to make bargains and just sell them it for 300 credits?", and then the Squib said "It's part of Squib culture! And I can't defy my own culture!", and they started to bicker like an old couple, and stealth said "We'll go with the bargain, but how much are the blasters?", and the Squib said, "30 credits each!", "Oh great." I murmured, all I had was 40 credits, but then a First Order member in a pilot suit came rushing in, and she said, "You gotta get me off of here, do you have anything cheap?", and the Squib said "if you have enough credits, you could go on that ship with them!", and pointed to us, "Those must be the people I heard on the radio report, look I'll go with you guys, how much are you paying for this?', I put my 40 credits on the table, then Stealth surprisingly put 50 credits on the table, I don't know how he got them, and we asked her if she had 20 credits on her, and she said yes and put them on the table, and the Squib and Jawa led us both to the ship, and the Squib said, "Sorry about the payment Agent Clara, but we're running a business here!", and Clara said she understood, and then the Squib and the Jawa said that the rest of the resistance wished us luck, and said "Happy Travels!". As we took off and blasted off into hyperspace, men and Stealth realized we actually had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.