Chapter One
Schweinehund
Violet Rouse invested her interests in a multitude of things, but she'd be damned if jewellery was one of them.
Beyond her metal lip ring, Vi made a habit of avoiding accessories altogether. Too much of a hassle. Anything that dangled or sparkled or glimmered wasn't worth her time and effort. But it was Olivia's birthday tomorrow, and Vi knew how much was riding on her finding the perfect present. The way her girlfriend's eyes lit up and her full pink lips grinned when she saw something beautiful. God, just picturing it….Vi had to hold back one of her rare smiles.
She'd been in Melissa's jewellery shop - one of Olivia's favourite places in Cardiff - for easily over an hour now. Nothing had popped out yet, and she'd scoured the place twice already. It was no secret the shop assistant who made the mistake of offering Vi assistance an hour ago was as fed up as she was, if not more.
He cracked his neck, eyes weary. Vi could see the crumples in his suit from a long day behind the counter. "We could try the charm bracelets again?"
Vi shook her head. "Tacky."
"Did I tell you about the lockets?" he tried. "For an extra twenty pounds you can have a message engraved on the inside - very personal."
"When would that be finished?"
"Three days or so. The working week at most."
"No good. Her birthday's tomorrow."
"Then perhaps you should have planned more in advance…" the shop assistant muttered under his breath. He pulled a handkerchief out of his suit pocket and dabbed at the sweat on his forehead.
Guy's got a point, Vi sighed internally. God, this was useless. The clock behind the counter read 5.45pm. Closing in around fifteen minutes and still nothing to show for her efforts here. The ridiculousness of this venture was beginning to reveal itself: Olivia was fashion and make-up artist (and a damn good one at that, even if it only just paid the bills). Vi was the drum player in a crappy rock band that only ever got gigs at the local pub. In what universe was she qualified to buy her girlfriend jewellery that was a) meaningful and b) aesthetically pleasing?
The bell attached to the store's entrance chimed. Little late for a new customer to be coming in, but Vi paid no notice. She was busy contemplating the utter failure of her own existence.
Behind her, she heard a breathless young man talking to another customer in the store. "Oh, don't mind me dear. I'm just….browsing. Nothing suspicious. What's this we've got here?" The sound of hands clapping together. "Ooh, pretty…shiny things! How nice. You know I've always wondered why I don't have more pretty shiny things. Honestly, I -"
"Where are you, puny scum?! Show yourself!"
The shoppers in Melissa's jewellery shop all jumped, curiously peering out the big glass window at the front of the store. Vi wasn't bothered, still fixated on finding the perfect birthday present for her girlfriend.
"Pay no notice to the scary voice outside," the young man advised everyone. He ducked behind one of the counters. "He's totally harmless, I assure you."
"DocTOR!" the low, sharp voice returned. Must've been an angry man in the streets outside. "Show yourself!"
Pew pew! Pew pew!
Without warning, four laser beams shot through the big window. Shards of glass blew across the store. All of Melissa's jewellery shoppers screeched and screamed, dropping to the floor.
Vi sighed. Perfect. Just perfect. Fifteen more minutes to choose the perfect birthday present for Olivia, and an alien had to attack the store. Typical. She flattened herself against the front wall beside the window where she couldn't be seen while everyone else acted stupid, flailing around and screaming on the floor.
And that's when she saw the young man for the first time. He was a tall, lanky thing with floppy brown hair and a ridiculous blue bow tie to complement his tweed jacket. His head popped up from behind a counter. "Is everyone alright?"
A chorus of screams responded.
The man nodded. "Excellent! Stay down everybody, it'll all be fine!" And back down he popped, his head disappearing behind one of the jewellery cabinets.
Vi rolled her eyes. She really didn't have time for this.
With a quick scan behind her to make sure the coast was clear, Vi crouched low and crawled behind the counter next to the ridiculous young man. He was fiddling furiously with a mysterious gadget glowing green at the tip and making the occasional buzz or chirp. Vi was sitting there at his side for a good five seconds without him noticing.
Finally, she said, "The Doctor, I'm guessing?"
The young man jumped, banging his head hard against the roof of the jewellery cabinet. "Good…gracious!" he blurted. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on people?"
"What's that?" Vi asked, nodding at the gadget.
"It's a…a thing," he responded, resuming his mad tampering. "A very clever thing for clever people that you don't need to worry about."
"Is it gonna get Mr Anger Management out there to bugger off or not?"
Pew pew! More laser beams firing off. "Doctor! Face me, you blumbering coward! Endure my wrath!"
Vi sighed. "Not a word."
"What?"
"'Blumbering'. It's not a word." She arched an eyebrow. "What'd you do then?"
The Doctor (apparently) cast her a short sideways glance. "Who says I did something?"
"Your friend isn't pissed for no reason."
The Doctor gasped. "Language."
"You're avoiding the question."
"Well I'm busy, aren't I?" He smacked his gadget against his palm a couple times. "C'mon baby, show me what you've got…"
Vi paused. "The very clever thing not working?"
"If I can just alter the programming of this software slightly, it'll give me the perfect frequency to disarm Mr….what'd you call him?…Mr Anger Management." He squinted into the little panel on the side. "I've almost got it….just a little….."
Pew pew - SMASH!
The cabinet behind Vi and the Doctor's heads burst apart. In what Vi saw as slow motion, delicate fragments of glass twirled through the air, caught the afternoon light and made sharp rainbows out of nanoseconds. It was the first slice of pain across her cheekbone that restored time. The Doctor threw an arm around her shoulders and shielded her from the rest of the blast. The clever gadget flew out of his grip.
"You WILL PAY for your treachery Doctor!" Mr Anger Management roared outside the shop. "Either with your life, or with the lives of all your precious humans!" Pew pew! A woman's voice screamed. "Doctor! Face me now or this puny boy dies!"
Like Mr Anger Management had just spoken the magic words, the Doctor lurched to his feet and raced over the broken glass. Within seconds he was out on the main street, mere feet apart from the mysterious enemy Vi was yet to see herself. All that was left in the Doctor's wake was his mysterious gadget, blinking green at the tip.
Vi picked it up. Fiddled with a couple buttons. She frowned. Screwdriver? Didn't look awfully clever to her now she realized what it was. Just kind of….ridiculous. She was beginning to realize 'ridiculous' often coincided with this man.
"Doctor!" Mr Anger Management cried. "Finally come to die at the hands of the Sontaran empire? Excellent."
"Come on Strax," replied the Doctor, "we can work this out, alien to alien. No need to hold a human captive now, is there?"
Vi stood up, screwdriver still in hand, and wandered outside. Not so much to get a glimpse of the action or the alleged "aliens" in a standoff, but because it was almost dark and she wanted to go home. Her jewellery venture was fairly pointless now. Regardless of her intentions, she got a glimpse of the action anyway: one mouldy-looking potato of a creature all dressed up in fighting gear with a woman sobbing and quivering at his side. He had a laser rifle easily the length of his whole body (plus some) aimed at her head. Huh.
"The human's death would cause you suffering and misery, would it not Doctor?" potato man/Mr Anger Management said. "And I would enjoy nothing more than to make the Doctor suffer."
"Gah," the Doctor clucked his tongue, "stop being such a drama queen! I already said I was sorry!"
"You called my mother an flailing schweinehund!"
At the word, the Doctor stifled his giggles. He blushed sheepishly. "Yes, I suppose I did…..to be fair, how was I to know you'd recognize the phrase? It hasn't been used since the Germans were defeated in WWII!"
Vi frowned to herself, dragging back German lessons from her high school days. She raised her eyebrows. "You called his mother a piggish dog in German?"
"I am from the Sontaran empire!" potato man (Strax, it seemed) bellowed. "We familiarize ourselves with every piece of war slang the universe has produced!"
"Well, I told you I'm sorry," the Doctor whined, "what more do you want?"
"Enough talk!" Strax grinned. It was horrible; two rows of stubby dirty teeth peering out from behind his thin chapped lips. "I can just show you." He tightened his grip on the laser rifle.
"Ah-ah-ah, I don't think so sir!" the Doctor proclaimed. "I won't let you do that."
"Ha ha ha!" Strax sung. "You can't stop me!"
"Is that right?" The Doctor was patting himself down. He rummaged through all of his pockets - the two inside his jacket, the two outside his jacket, and the two in his trousers. When he came up empty-handed, he cleared his throat. "Just a moment…"
Vi, completely aware of what the Doctor was searching so frantically for, was content for a few moments to just watch him writhe and struggle. That's what arrogance gets you here on planet Earth.
Oh, but she supposed it wasn't right to let an innocent human die for her entertainment. She sighed, pushed herself off the wall of Melissa's jewellery shop, and strolled over to the Doctor. He was still madly searching. A sweat had broken out across his forehead.
"Got something of yours," Vi told him.
"Uh, sorry," he muttered back, not even casting her a glance, "a little busy. Looking for something. Something very important. Very, very important. Something very…."
"Clever?"
Finally, the Doctor stopped. Hands frozen in his jacket pockets mid-search, he turned on Vi and scrutinzed her very closely. "Say, it's you again isn't it? You from the pretty shiny shop. Wouldn't happen to have seen my -"
Without another word, Vi held up the screwdriver. The Doctor looked at it, then back up at her, then back down at it. A slow grin stretched out across his face. Vi had handed him the damn thing and walked off before he could say anything else. She was bored and irritated about going home empty-handed before Olivia's birthday tomorrow. Everything would be closing now.
Behind her, the screwdriver let off a three-second buzz at what Vi assumed was the "perfect frequency". Strax's laser weapon was rendered useless. Everyone was free to go home, happy ending for all.
To be honest, Vi couldn't care less. All she cared about now was getting home, seeing her beautiful girlfriend, and figuring out what the hell she was going to do about that girlfriend's birthday tomorrow. There was only so many times multiple orgasms could soften the blow of shitty gifts. Yeah, so technically she just saved someone's life. Big deal. People are born and die every day. Vi took it upon herself to decide who was important and who wasn't. Other than Olivia, that list was quite literally non-existent.
So she walked home, indifferent to the wild events of her afternoon, to the only thing in her life that really mattered.
Olivia was waiting for her in the living room. She was watching some God-awful reality show in her sweats, looking more beautiful every time the light from the TV caught her face. "Hey baby - what took you so long? I missed you."
Vi smiled. "Nothing important."