Stow Away Captains

If sleeping was a skill, it would definitely be a close second to swordsmanship in Roronoa Zoro's resumé. The man could probably sleep through anything if he wanted to. It was amazing, though, how he woke up when it counts. For instance, if he had woken up a second later, he would've ended up in Fishman Island way ahead of his own crew and their two-year rendezvous would've been delayed a few more days. And right now was one of those times he was thankful he'd wired himself to be up and alert quickly when needed even if he was in the middle of a deep slumber.

Zoro had woken up in his cot—the bottom one to the far left under Brook's—in the middle of the night when he felt a… presence suddenly appear within his designated space that was the men's quarters. Someone had just appeared on the top bunk of the middle pair of cots, making the wooden hammocks shake slightly, the metal parts clinking barely audibly to the untrained ear. Well, that was a bit startling, but nothing so terrifying because, interestingly, this person didn't feel like a threat. There was no nagging urge to slash someone, a feeling that usually crawled across Zoro's skin when danger was nearby. The intruder was, in fact, familiar, although not being from the Strawhat crew although Zoro couldn't really put a finger on who this uninvited asshole was.

But what the fuck would someone be doing in the men's quarters—in Luffy's bed—in the wee hours of the night? And how did he get past Franky who was on watch? Who was he with? What did he want?

There was considerable movement on the top bunk, but nothing violent. The Strawhat vice captain made a slow but sure reach for his swords and a quick sweep of the room with his one good eye. No signs of forced entry. Usopp was unmoving on the cot beside Zoro's and next to that was the Sanji on his own wooden hammock. The ero-cook was quietly awake, lying on his side and looking at Zoro as if acknowledging that, yeah, there was a person on top of Usopp's spot where their own captain was snoring away. They couldn't see who it was, but there was someone there, based on the movements and the… weird clicking noise?

How did Luffy not just wake up and smack the living daylights out of this outsider?

"Mmmh? Wh…" Luffy stirred in a sleepy voice right on cue and the green-haired swordsman was a split second away from jumping out of his bunk until he heard his captain mutter, "Torao?"

Haaa?

Sanji propped himself up on one elbow in surprise.

Now it wasn't everyday that Zoro and the ero-cook agreed to things or consulted each other about anything, but that one moment caused them to exchange horrified looks with wide eyes (okay, just an eye each), as if asking, "Trafalgar Law?"

Sure, they went from allies to unofficially-more-than-friends but this was just so fucking uncharacteristic of Law.

But then before Zoro could finish wondering what the hell came over the Surgeon of Death himself to sneak into the men's quarters—on Monkey D. Luffy's bed no less—in the middle of god-knows-what-time, Law made the weirdest fucking answer in the entirety of Zoro knowing him.

"Hey, baby."

Okay, what the fuck? What the actual fuck?

If Usopp was pretending to be asleep, his reaction to that overly corny greeting just gave him away. The long-nosed sniper twitched on the bed as Sanji cringed visibly, showing his teeth awkwardly in disbelief. Zoro could not tell if he was irritated or disgusted or dreaming as he swallowed thickly. Thank goodness Chopper chose this night to stay up and catalog his herbs.

"What did you just call me?" Luffy asked and Zoro found himself nodding because, yeah, what the hell was that language, Trafalgar Law?

"You heard me, baby."

Oh, fucking hell, again? Seriously? That's it.

Zoro was just about to switch into murder-intruding-creepy-corny-allied-captain mode when he heard Luffy make a low... laughing sound?

"Mmm-hmm, someone's horny."

Okay, yeah, Luffy just chuckled that, didn't he?

More movements on the upper bunk distracted Zoro from any more thinking. The wooden hammocks being so close to each other made it impossible for the Strawhats on the lower bunks to see what's going on above them. Perhaps for the better. They really weren't sure if they wanted to know what kind of activities were going on up there. Why were there were more… clicking noises?

A low moan. A small gasp. A breathless huff. And that's when Zoro realized something he wish he hadn't.

Those weren't clicking noises. Those were kissing sounds.

The two captains were making out. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. Fucking hell.

"But Torao…" The words sounded like they stumbled out of the side of Luffy's mouth, "Why are you suddenly..."

"Had weird cup of tea." the older captain whispered as Luffy gasped again, sounding quite pleased for whatever reason, "Now I want you. So. Fucking. Bad."

Whatever the hell was in that tea, it was pretty potent if it made Trafalgar Law forget the fact that there were other people under them right now.

More importantly, should they interrupt? Was this a personal matter? Would it be manly to just intervene? Crap, Mihawk and his mustache taught him nothing about this shit. Sanji was motioning to get up, but Zoro raised his hand to stop him, as if any other movement was distracting the swordsman from sorting out his next move. Surprisingly, the ero-cook kept still.

"Fffffuuuuck, yeah." Luffy moaned breathlessly.

Okay, Luffy was clearly giving all the bright go signals for... whatever Law was doing. Nami would have just screeched like a banshee without thinking because that's the kind of person she was. But if the captain actually liked that this guy was sneaking into his bed then... Well, it would just be so damn awkward if any of them jumped out now. When the hell did Luffy just stop doing what he wanted anyway?

And it's not like there was anyone among the Strawhat crew and the Heart Pirates who was oblivious to the fact that the allied captains were more than just flirting. The innocent glances, obscure smiles, and small gestures were starting to happen too frequently to go unnoticed. Law was stupid if he thought Luffy could play this game of "secret relationship". Honestly, though, it would not have been surprising for a couple to actually engage in sexual activities, but this was Luffy. Sex was probably on the bottom of his list. Or at least that's what most of them assumed. And Law actually sneaking into the Sunny because he was horny of all things was just… what the hell?

Well, maybe they should have more decency than making out in the men's quarters?

Again, before Zoro could process any final answers, the cot started rocking back and forth. It didn't really take a genius to figure out what kind of movement was causing that. And why. Usopp was cringing again, quietly looking at both Zoro and Sanji for help as he pulled the blanket up to his chin, but neither of the two looked like they wanted to put an embarrassing halt to what the captains were doing.

And then the movement slowly ceased.

"How about... We move this to my sub, hmm?"

Law's breathy voice was starting to piss off Zoro because it was just wrong. But his suggestion of "moving to the sub" could spare them the trouble of having to "interrupt". Except was this some sort of kidnapping?

"Mmm. What's wrong with here in my ship, baby?"

Zoro's mouth fell wide open. Sanji looked like he wasn't breathing and Usopp was probably dead after pulling the blanket over his head.

God fucking dammit, dammit, dammit. Luffy just didn't.

But he just did.

That was Luffy. Their captain.

Monkey D. Luffy just said "baby" in a sensual manner to another man and that's—oh dear lord.

"We can be loud in my cabin." Law whispered amidst the sound of more kissing, "Just saying."

Luffy made a humming sound of agreement.

"I'll have you back here by morning, hm?" the Hearts captain added and Luffy must have given some sort of inaudible response because the next thing he was saying was, "Room."

And a blue film started to grow out from somewhere. Zoro's senses were too keen to miss the change in the atmosphere, like his space being replaced by a whole new territory, far from being just invaded. He doubted Law couldn't feel them being up and awake with this power, but then again, that tea seemed to have made him stupid and rash. And corny. God dammit, he was so fucking corny, he should throw himself into the sea.

"How about…" the seductive curl in Luffy's voice was starting to make Zoro wonder if there was some other person stuck in his captain's body, "...We just fuck until morning?"

"Good call." The smile was all too obvious on Law's voice, "Shambles."

Suddenly, the weight on the top bunk was gone.

And then silence.

Zoro, Usopp and Sanji exchanged looks for a few good seconds until Brook's voice said from the bunk above Zoro's, "They're gone now."

"Fucking hell." Zoro sighed, releasing a heavy breath that felt like the by-product of him thinking about something so remarkably dumb.

"The hell just happened?" Sanji sat up and scratched his head.

"Well, actually—"

"I think that was a rhetorical question, Brook!" Usopp all but shouted as he sat up, shoving the covers off, "Really, we don't need a detailed account of wha—wait… Wait, you were right next to them. And they still—Aaaargh!"

Zoro sighed again and got out of bed, looking at the top bunk where a white towel was now where both captains were a minute ago.

"We should've done something." Sanji was saying now, feeling his pockets for a cigarette and realized his sleeping clothes had none.

"It's not like Luffy's been kidnapped." Zoro put his hands on his waist as he watched Brook get out of bed, "And it's not like he was with an enemy or a stranger. He was with an… ally."

"Zoro-san has a point." Brook nodded, raising a bony finger and waving it around, "An ally who saved his life two years ago, in fact. Besides, we've known for some time now that they've been, um, more than just allies."

The green-haired swordsman sighed again.

"Fuck allies."

"Isn't that the whole point of what happened?" Sanji said, standing up and heading to the lockers to pull out a pack of cigarettes, "Anyway, I'm going to the kitchen to fix up something to calm me down from whatever the hell just transpired."

"I'll have whatever you're having." Usopp jumped out of bed, "Hopefully erase the memories."

"I would like to join you." Brook said, following his friends as they filed out to the door, "Would you like me to play some music to improve the mood?"

"Drown me in sake while you're at it." Zoro yawned as he joined them last, closing the door to the men's quarters and muttering, "Nami's gonna fucking kill us."