If She Only Knew
by
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, song or characters. The song is 98 degrees, the characters belong to Jason Katims, etc. Not mine.
Author's Note: I'm a dreamer, slowly converting as I'm realizing the hopelessness of Max and Liz's situation. So please, don't be too hard on me for not knowing the relationship, or whatever.
Summary: Tess is gone, because Max didn't tell her his feelings.
Rating: R (language)
She's gone. And only now, do I realize how much I love her. Real smart, huh Evans. Alien super-powers. Yeah, they really help a lot. I've never once seen them help in the matters of the heart. They just fuck things up a lot.
I've loved Liz Parker for so long, that it became a habit, and I didn't realize when I stopped loving her that way, and starting just seeing her as a friend. And by then, it was too late. Tess was gone, convinced that I could never love her the way that I love Liz. If only she knew.
I've always pretended. I can't remember a time when I was just myself. Everything is a lie, always hiding something away from somebody. And it just drags me down, a little bit at a time. Everything gets harder, and life starts to feel meaningless.
First Liz, and now Tess, rescue me from those feelings. But I just don't feel that way about Liz anymore, and Tess is gone. I'd be gone, too, looking for her, but I know I'd never find her. She has powers even I can't master.
If she only knew
What I knew but couldn't say
If she could just see
The part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again
And just say I love you
But she's gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew
If only I'd told her. If only her powers included reading someone else's heart and soul. Because if she knew how I felt, maybe she wouldn't have left. And now I have Liz to deal with. She won't stop telling me that I have to go after Tess. I don't know why, and it's breaking my heart, to have to keep telling her I'm not going.
I couldn't find her if I did go. I've already said that, but it's true.
If only she'd figured out how I felt about her was the real thing.
If she could just feel
What I feel here in my heart
She'd know it was real
Pure and true right from the start
But I'm just a man who didn't understand
What she was going through
But she'd gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew
I let her go. And even now, my heart aches with the knowledge that I didn't tell her I loved her, didn't tell her how I felt, until much too late. She may be half-alien, but she's not psychic.
Because feelings are always the hardest thing to confess. I can be the strong leader, I can do mostly anything for the 'Royal Four', but I couldn't tell my love about my fucking feelings.
I feel like shit. And I certainly don't feel worthy of the title as leader of my people. I even tried to turn it over Michael, but he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He said that I 'needed to learn how to deal with personal hardships', which, coming from him, is a serious pep-talk.
And how, how did I let her get away
'Cause love, love is so easy to feel
But the hardest thing to say
I dream about her almost every night. Isabel says Mom's getting worried because I call out her name in what she describes as an 'anguished' tone of voice several times every night.
I only wish that she, as far away as she might be, could see what I see.
The dreams are wonderful, happy and sweet and even sappy. Sometimes she comes back, and tells me that she knows how I feel, and falls into my arms, and we made mad, passionate love, and sometimes, I go out and find her, and I tell her about my feelings, and she cries, and we get the same outcome.
But that's part of the problem. Our relationship is too much about sex. Tess is what most of the school considers a sex-kitten, and she certainly gives off that image, to the eye of someone who doesn't know.
But in truth, she's a very compassionate person, very caring and gentle. She didn't mean to come between me and Liz the way she did, she only meant to claim a love that she'd always thought of as hers. I'd never been truly upset with her, although there were a few times when I'd wanted to take Nasedo down for teaching her what he had.
And all of this just flows out the window when I hear her soft, sultry voice, telling me she loves me. And then I wake up, and sometimes I cry. Mostly, I'm just numb.
If she could just see
What I see when I close me eyes
All that I dream
Surely she would realize
I called out to her as she left, but it was too late. I told her I loved her, that I always had, but she didn't believe me then, she only smiled sadly, and told me I didn't mean it. My heart broke cleanly in two that day.
I can only wish, and then hate myself to spending all my time wishing, instead of doing. But I don't know what to do! If she doesn't want to be found, I can't find her. I can't get past those mind-warps of hers, no matter what I do.
Oh, why couldn't she have just stayed?
But like a fool I waited much too long
To let her know the truth
She's gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew