DEAL OR NO DEAL
"Hi, Lily."
Lily was seventeen years old when she first started dating James Potter. It wasn't abrupt – it was actually the effect six years of fighting, forgiveness, friendship, flirting and a whole lot of other f-words she couldn't say.
Two years later, things were not going so strongly. She sighed and turned to him, saying,
"We need to talk." It was in unison.
Both blinked, surprised, before James gave an awkward little laugh and said, "You first."
It wasn't going to be easy, she knew from the very start. Images of their first real day on pleasant terms drifted around in the back of her mind.
It had been a snowy day in February, the kind of day Lily hated most. Why? Because she was bundled up in scarves and a long coat, and snow still managed to find its way into the tips of her mitten and between her toes.
"Aren't you cold?" There was James, his hair a black spike in the frosty atmosphere, his breath emerging a cloud. The tip of his nose was bright pink and overall he looked quite flushed and cheerful.
"Must you even ask?" she sighed, too chilled to really smile. Her lips were chapped and dry from the winter wind which drifted snow across the grounds of Hogwarts School. She attempted to sit on the stone step – which helped descend the Scottish hill to the gamekeeper's hut – but, noting the snow, decided to crouch instead. "It must be twenty below."
"Oh, not quite," he said offhandedly. "A lot of the sixth-years have been having a big game of hide-and-seek, considering classes are cut, and they sent me to ask you if you'd like to join in. I'm already out," he added wistfully.
"That sounds like fun," she said, standing.
"You remember the day we met?" she asked him abruptly. He glanced up from his drink, a little surprised. Obviously he'd been expecting something different.
"Of course I do," he said with a hint of fondness in his voice. "The train to Hogwarts. I saw you on the platform with your trolley. You tripped getting on the train."
"On your shoelace, if I recall," added Lily.
"Ouch!" Lily rubbed her nose with one hand, grimacing a little. Of course on her first day she'd make a total fool of herself, tripping and smacking her nose against a compartment window. The boy in front of her turned around with a very amused look on his face.
"Alright there?" He smiled in a sort of intimidating way, though Lily was certain it was only her imagination.
"Yes, I'm fine," she said, tugging self-consciously at her collar. Was she supposed to change into her robes before getting on the train? The teacher who came to her house to explain matters hadn't mentioned anything like that. Then again, this boy wasn't in robes…
"I'm James. You can share our compartment, if you have nowhere to sit," he offered, sliding open the door. Another boy was already inside, smile on his face and a magazine crumpled in one hand. "That's Sirius. Met him on the platform."
Sirius looked Lily up and down once, then nodded at James.
"Thanks," said she, a bit unsure. "I suppose." She hefted her trunk up under one arm, noting that although the boy had been kind enough to offer her a seat, he made no move to help her with her possessions. "Hey, your shoe's untied."
"Well, it's not as if I did it on purpose," James protested, a little pink. Whether it was from the story or the beer, he couldn't tell – nor could Lily, as a matter of fact. "Why did you bring that up, all of a sudden?"
"I was just thinking about Hogwarts," she said half-truthfully, "and it reminded me of that. Remember how mean you were to Severus?" she added wistfully.
"This is no time to bring up that old argument," James replied reproachfully, but Lily was already shaking her head.
"James – no, listen," she insisted as he turned his attention back to the barkeeper, "I think you had good ideas. You just had a very crude way of presenting them." She picked up a napkin and began shredding it, trying to ignore her boyfriend's sour expression.
"Lily," he warned, "we've been over this. If that's all you wanted to tell me, then at least let me speak."
"It's not all I wanted to say," Lily said dryly, "but go ahead. I'm open to anything." She gazed at the table for a minute, bits of napkin fluttering in her fist. She had a strong feeling about what he was going to say, and even though she wasn't averse to the idea, it was still hard, coming from him. Things had certainly changed over the years.
"Hey, Evans." At fifteen, James Potter was the epitome of cool. Everywhere he went, friends backed him up, and he got everything he wanted, except the girl he fancied: Lily Evans, the other epitome of cool; the girl was sworn by students and teachers alike to be the perfect match for James.
"Hi," she replied a little bitterly, though if it was because she was actually angry or simply used to giving James the cold shoulder was lost to him.
"Want to go out sometime?" Her heart jumped in her throat, though she certainly didn't show it.
"No."
"Well, why?"
"Have a nice day," said Lily in an off-handed manner. In retrospect, it was a little mean of her to blow him off like that – but James was really not the greatest person on Earth and she made a point of avoiding association with him.
"Well, you don't have to be a bitch about it," he said flatly.
"Have a nice day," Lily emphasized, stiffly ignoring the jab at her attitude.
But of course, two years later the two were thick as thieves.
"Lily," James drawled, a falsely dour attitude about him, "I heard some very incriminating rumors in the men's loo today."
"Now why on Earth were you listening to rumors in the loo?" replied the redhead, trying desperately not to smile, as Professor Slughorn was giving a particularly serious lecture on fatal poisons and she didn't wish to appear morbid.
"Never you mind," he whispered, earning a half-chuckle from Sirius, who was to his right. "Although I promise it was a perfectly valid reason and from a credible source."
"Alright – tell me, what have you heard?"
"Well, I could've sworn some fellow mentioned that you were going on an awfully romantic date with me tonight." He twirled his quill between his fingers, looking almost nonchalant. "Is it true?"
Lily smiled widely, decided to play along. "Well, that's abominable! From whom did you hear this?"
"Bloke goes by the names of Mr. James Potter," replied he, grinning and shrugging.
"Oh, him. Don't trust him. The truth is –" Lily dropped her voice "– you're going on a date with me tonight."
"If you say so." James smiled.
"Lily – are you even listening?" James demanded. "I was just saying how you never pay attention, and here you're doing the same." His tone softened. "It really bothers me, Lily. Please. This is hard enough as it is."
"You think I never listen?" she questioned.
"It's a wonder you remember anything I say," he admitted. Lily didn't bother to tell him that she remembered every. Single. Word.
"Are you planning to break up with me, James?" She wrapped a hand around his before he could even reach for his beer. "There's no use drowning yourself. Just let me know."
"Absolutely not," he cried, still looking like a deer in the headlights – as always. "I just – I – yeah," he admitted. "Merlin's beard. Lily, I love you."
"Then why would you break up with me?" asked Lily frostily. She sat back and crossed her arms over her chest, feeling uprooted. "That's lousy, James. Real lousy."
"Don't pretend you weren't going to try it with me. I know that look in your eyes." James bit his lip – an annoying habit he'd picked up from her. "I'm feeling the same bloody way."
"Oh, now you're going to swear at me. Real mature."
"You want to know why?" He stood up, paced the length of the table, then sat down again, apparently more restless than he'd been earlier, even. "Don't you?"
"Yeah. I do."
"Alright." He flicked the beer can irritably. "I was going to propose."
James tucked the letter into his pocket. It was a marriage license issued by the Ministry of Magic, governing body over wizards like he.
"Mate," Sirius said from the doorway, "I'm supportive of anything you do. You know that. But I think you need to take this slow."
"Slow like how?" James glanced in the mirror, patting down his hair in vain.
"Take her to meet your mum and dad first. Meet her family. You don't know where she lives, if she has a job, if she ever wants kids…"
"No use, scruffy!" That was the mirror. James ignored this and continued patting his hair.
"So?"
"So," Sirius said, watching his friend carefully, "These things matter. You don't want to be surprised on your wedding day by finding out she's a vegetarian or something." Seeing James's look, he added, "I just don't want you to get cold feet, mate."
"I'm seventeen and a half," James stressed. "By wizarding law, I'm a legal adult. I'm free – free to drink, to by a house, and to get married."
"It's just a suggestion, that's all."
"You're right, of course." James sighed, extracting the parchment from his pocket to look at. "I'm just being too proud."
"At least you're honest."
"You were going to propose?" Perhaps Lily should've been more surprised, but she had no idea what to say now. Thank you? Why didn't you? Who are you and what have you done with James? They all made no sense to her.
"Yes, but that was two years ago. Then… I was so in love." James swallowed. "So blind."
"Not has an insult to you," he added, seeing Lily's Look. "But I did take Sirius's advice."
"That's why you wanted to meet my parents," she realized. "I thought you were mad. Any self-respecting boyfriend would've wheedled his way out of that visit, but not you."
"I noticed something," James continued. "I noticed that your parents are Muggles."
Lily stared at him for a moment. "James… you can't be serious if you're saying you never knew my parents are Muggles. What does that have to do with anything, anyhow?"
"Oh, I knew they were Muggles," he said. "But that weekend I went to your place? Well, I noticed. They were in awe, Lily, and they have no idea about the wizarding world." Just as Lily was about to protest, he continued. "And as time went on, I realized I have no idea about the Muggle world. I can't understand the rules of football; I can't program a telly; I can't drive a car. All your Muggle friends can do that."
"So? You can fly a broomstick; you play Quidditch for hell's sake. You're better at Transfiguration than anyone I ever saw. You're loads better than them, James; you can do more –"
"Yes, but I'm not them," said James. His drink can was long empty, and he was idly pushing and pulling it across the table with his wand. "Lily. We come from two different worlds. I could never give you the normal life you want. I'm a bleeding Unspeakable, Lily," he hissed lowly.
"So am I, if you haven't forgotten." Lily tilted her head. "Is this what you want? You want to break up? Because I can understand breaking up with me for a reason. But… but breaking up under the pretense of it being in my best interest – hell, it's probably because we always fight in public and it doesn't look good, or because we haven't had a good snog in awhile, so say so –"
"It's not that," James interrupted, looking quite offended. As if he, who had been pursuing the same girl for five or so years, would shake her off simply because she wasn't putting out! "I just think we should… mellow out. That's all."
"Mellow out, Evans." James laid his arms over her book, which Lily promptly slammed shut on his fingers.
"I don't need to," she informed him. "I am perfectly happy and calm and mellow and cool, even from your little viewpoint of the world."
"You're always studying!" he complained.
"I am not," said she. "Quite the contrary. The NEWTs are the only exams I've studied for since… well, ever."
"You didn't' study for the OWLs? But you got 12!" James, pretending to faint from surprise, fell back in his chair and twitched, quite brilliantly. Then he sat up, straight as a pin. "Anyway, I thought we could go out on Sunday. Sort of a Hi-do-you-forgive-me date."
"Sure," Lily agreed. "After all, I suppose the Ravenclaw banners weren't entirely your fault." She smiled. "You're easy to forgive. But only under one condition."
"Yes, my dear, my sugar-pie?"
"Stop calling me Evans!" she said loudly, shocking him out of his seat. "My goodness, I thought we were far past that… sixth year, around then, I imagine…"
"Mellow out," Lily repeated, as if in a daze.
"Happy second anniversary!" James, in his pajamas, crept up on Lily during breakfast and had fully startled her. The flat they shared was just below a noisy man who sold (and tested) drills, but she still usually expected him to sleep in. A bunch of daisies (Lily's favorite flower, despite popular belief) were presented before her, along with her boyfriend's classic grin.
"Beautiful," Lily admitted, taking just one. "But there's a little problem."
"Oh?" James position himself at the breakfast table across from her, head tilted to one side and elbows on the placemat (he actually looked very comical). "What's that, Lily?"
"Our anniversary was the day before yesterday," she deadpanned. "I assumed you'd remember eventually."
James looked instantly guilty. "Sirius reminded me," he admitted. "Sorry. Forgive me?"
"Yeah. Forgive you." She sniffed the bouquet, actually quite pleased. "The face isn't so much the anniversary, but that fact that we've been together two years."
"Yeah?" Though it was said like a question, she didn't wait for an answer. "I care for you, too, James." Neither of them pointed out that loving and caring about a person were different. In retrospect, it was probably for the best.
"So…" James rested his chin on the heel of his palm, looking unusually thoughtful for so early in the morning. "You don't mind if I forget our anniversary?"
"Not at all. Stop worrying." Lily smiled back, finally. "Just mellow out."
"Lily?"
Lily snapped out of her daze, blinking a little stupidly. Ah, how lost one could get in memories… it was astounding.
"I said we could mellow out this relationship," James explained, looking quite somber. She hadn't asked for a reiteration, but he apparently thought she needed one. "So? Deal?"
Lily stared at him for a moment. Two years of almost unconditional love told her to say yes. To cling. But nineteen years of experience with people and the devious world told her
"No. No deal." Lily picked up her coat. "James, I can only forgive you so many times." She turned on her heel and exited the bar, emotions swirling within her.
She had walked about twenty feet when it occurred to her what she had just done. She had broken up with James bleeding Potter.
Lily Evans was seventeen years old when she first started dating James Potter. She was nineteen years old when they broke each other's hearts.
Head underwater
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
Breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Love Song – Sara Bareilles