This story is pure crack. Not at all meant to be taken seriously. All characters will be OCC and unbeta so be warned. If I offend anyone's favorite character, it was not done on purpose. But I'm a firm believer that there's nothing wrong with poking fun at your favorite characters once and a while. Spoilers to the latest chapters can also be found here. I don't own Naruto and am making no profit from this.
Hi! Uchiha Sasuke here. So at the fanclub meeting this morning, I found out from my manager that I was losing fangirls. This was even worst then when I found out that I had lost fangirls to Naruto when he became the Hokage.
Damn that Naruto. Not only has he achieved his dream of becoming the Hokage, he also snared himself the Hyuuga heir. He gives one petty speech about his pathetic childhood and gets people thinking they can change their fate. I give a speech about how much I wanted to meet my brother and people think I'm some kind of revenge-crazed psychopath.
So now, he's Hokage and the head of the most prestige family in Konoha and I'm still childless and my clan is still dead. Father will turn in his grave if he sees his son's failures.
Who cares about him, he wasn't much of a father to me anyway.
You're probably wondering. What about Sakura! Sakura loves you!
I'll say one word "Duh, no bloodline!" Okay, that was three words but whatever, I wasn't much of a scholar since I returned from being a missing nin. Boy, let me tell you, being a missing nin is hard work. Back to the topic at hand, I'm not settling for anything less then a bloodline since I'm also going blind.
Ino! Ino used to like you!
Yeah, 'used to' being the focus of attention here. Now she thinks that gluttony is better then me. I hope she gets fat!
Anyway, my manager advised me that this threat will have permanent and lasting effects on my future. I'm losing fangirls to Hyuuga Neji because he has better hair then me! The news was even more shocking then when I found out Uchiha Madara conspired with Itachi to killed off my clan.
I refused to believe that Neji's hair is superior then mine. No matter how many times fangirls tells me so, even my own fangirls.
My hair, Uchiha Sasuke's hair, cannot compare with the Hyuuga!
So not true.
Before an Uchiha, all hair are mere mediocre.
My beautiful black as raven, nicely cut, never out of place hair is worst then Neji's ugly brownish, dirt-looking, split-ended mess of a bird nest hair? Che! Fangirls has been smoking pot, who cares about them!
Nevertheless, I found myself looking for the Hyuuga and asking him what kind of shampoo he used.
Do you know what he said to me!
He cocked his mighty head and sneered, "Hyuuga's family secret."
The nerve of the man! If he didn't have such beautiful hair, I would have socked him right then and there. But I remained my cool self and walked away as if I didn't just ask him such a silly girly questions. Because I'm cool like that.
So now I'm going through my list of shampoo and pounding my Uchiha's brain outs because no matter how I look at it, it didn't make sense. With all these tools are my disposal, it just defy reason why Hyuuga Neji would have superior hair. My list included, Pantene Pro V, Pantene Pro V Extra Strength, Pantene Pro V Extra Straight, Pantene Pro V Conditioner, Herbal Essence, Garner, and Johnson's baby shampoo because "no more tears!" I tried 'Head and Shoulder' once and it got all my dandruffs out but it made my beautiful hair all stiffy so I cursed it and burned it with my Katon. The explosion caused my hair to be even stiffer and I became even more determine to learn the Hyuuga's secret to great hair.
After much thinking, I have came up with the most ingenious plan ever thought of by any evil scheming desperate bastard. I have decided that I will find myself a Hyuuga girl, marry her and learn the secret to their awesomely great hair.
This brings me next to my next dilemma. If what I learned in biology is any indication. My Sharingan may become history if I marry a Hyuuga. Byakugan is a dominate gene while my Sharingan is recessive so if I ever mate with a Byakugan female, the chances of my child ever bearing the Sharingan are pretty slam. Am I willing to risk the extinction of my clan for this?
Tch! I was never much of a biologist anyway. Great hair, here I come!
After much searching (which pretty much consisted of me staring into outer-space) I found the younger sister of the stutter girl. What was her name again? Hanaha? Hahaha? Hanaby? Whatever, one word from me and she will melt like chocolate pudding. Why chocolate pudding you ask? Because I like chocolate pudding.
So I puffed up my shoulders, tried my voice a couple times and walked up to her.
"Yo," I said in my lowest, huskiest, sexiest voice.
"Who the hell are you?" she asked, her hands on her hip, her nose looking down on me and her eyes glaring daggers at me.
Oh my god! My low, husky, sex voice has failed me!
For a moment I was transported back to the time when mother refused to give me that last cookie because Itachi had used his teary eyes jutsu against my low, husky, sexy voice jutsu. Painful memories.
Right then and there I wanted to grabbed her, slapped her, shake her and asked her if she ever read Naruto.
But then Hyuuga Neji appear out of nowhere with his girlfriend. That's right, I said 'girlfriend.' What's her name? Tonton? Tantan? Whatever. They think no one knows because they were being so secretive but my Sharingen can see.
My Sharingen sees ALL.
Anyway, Tonton giggled and pull lovely on the Hyuuga hair as they walked passed me without so much as a glance. This flamed my passion for the Hyuuga secret even more. I need to be able to play with my hair like that!
I heard rumors that this Hahaha girl was one feisty girl but I didn't believe it until she threw daggers at me.
No, really. She literally threw masses and masses of daggers at me (must have learned it from that TonTon girl!) when she found me hiding in their apple tree looking into their garden.
So as I was falling, I planed to do one of those 'out of this world' move where I'll land gracefully on my feet and impressed the shit out of her. But it so happens that some Hyuuga dork dropped a banana skin beneath the tree.
Banana skin and I had a fight. I lost. Damn.
So as I was thinking over my failure, the Hyuuga main entrance opened and Hahaha stood there glaring and looking down her pretty little nose at me.
"It's not even apple season, you crazy apple thief!" she sneered.
Gasp! How dare she accuse me of stealing apples! I wouldn't do something so stupid. I have seen Snow White, thank you.
"I'm not an apple thief," I declared. "I am the thief of heart-" Did she just shut the door in my face!
Suggestions are always welcome and comments are loved. Yes, I fully aware that I'm on crack because of the pairing.