The Lost Thoughts
Entry 1
The Never-ending Winter of Discontent
''We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we are not alone...''
Orson Wells
Alone. That's what I am. Alone. I didn't choose to be. It just happened...
To be loved is the most precious thing in the world, but what we all take for granted. We are all loved or will be loved by someone at one point in our lives. From the moment we are born, we are loved - being cradled in the arms of our mothers, feeling safe and warm. But once love is lost, then it's hard to regain. It's like someone has snapped the heartstrings inside our hearts and then snapped our inner souls in two. And then, there is nothing but despair heading in our paths. Like an eternal winter, we are frozen. Cast off from society and left at the hands of vultures to titter and tatter over the mess that is our lives and leave us alone to mourn the love that is no longer there...
Better to be shut off, then to be an open book. No-one can humiliate you. No-one can maim you for your feelings.
I am liked. People like me. They talk, smile and laugh at my jokes and I respond back, but inside, I'm cold.
My heart is an icebox.
At night is the worst. When you're alone, you can't pretend to be happy because it's harder to lie to yourself than to other people. Your thoughts swim around your head and create monsters from your own fears to scare you and make yourself frightened to look in the mirror... At night, when most people are wrapped up in bed with a loved one, I am alone, with nothing but the dark to keep me company. But I'm used to it. It's my life. Nothing more...
I look around me and I see nothing but happy faces. Happy people walking around as if they hadn't a care in the world. Unbeknown that there are people who are so unhappy, that they hate the mere existence that is around them. That's what this village is like. No-one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and it is only until someone gets hurt that people finally notice, but then, it is too late. The damage is done. No prevention. No cure.
I'm not a hater of happiness. I just wished it happened to me. I used to crave happiness. The joy of being in someone's arms. I thought it would just land into my lap.
How wrong I was.
What gives someone the god given right to deny someone's happiness? Is it because their own existence is so miserable that they think of a solution to ease their own problems, but are not considerate to think about how it's going to hurt someone?
If people knew what I've been through, then maybe they wouldn't look twice at me. I'm just an outcast. No-one likes an outcast. It is the unfamiliar that make people scared...
I wish I had someone to talk to, or to call my own, but I don't. I have nothing. But that will change...
They say you can make your own luck. Surely, I could do the same?
But it's not that simple. To achieve our goals, we have to deny some others of theirs. No gain without pain. Or at least, that's what I always say. But to do something bad to make someone happy, is that right or wrong?
When happiness has been starved off us for so long, we are devoid of it. But then when you see so many people happy, you want it. You desire it. Like if someone showed you a bar of chocolate when you've never tried it before. You instantly feel compelled to try it. And happiness is what everyone deserves, so why is it that so many people don't have it?...
To me, the sky is grey. Like my existence in this merciless, pitiful world...
Lonely...
It's getting better though. People are starting to accept me. And when they smile at me, I feel a little piece of me inside, warm up too. But then when I see them...
The one person who has caused so much suffering in my life, I feel my insides churn with rage. Why should they be happy when they have caused me to be the bitter person that I am today?
It's still not right.
What they did.
I wish that life could have been better for me, but I was denied that chance. Now it is my time to claim it back. To learn lessons, we have to be taught. If I have to be the teacher, then so be it.
When I look in the mirror, I see only me. Just me. No-one else. Whereas other people, they do nothing and they get everything in the world for free. Love, happiness, a home... and they just take it for granted...Not knowing that someone else might like to just experience what that might be like just for one day...
It's hard...being on your own. No-one really understands it, until you are faced with the prospect of being alone and that's when people get scared. It's worse when you're a child. Being the unwanted one. Always picked last in games. Crying alone into your pillow. Being left out in the rain. An old rag being thrown into the fire. You want to be the kid with the loving mommy and daddy, but instead, you're treated like filth. Just another human being in the race that we call life... Not somebody's baby...
A baby. Small. Defenseless. Too small to know what it's life is going to be like...
I'm not a bad person. Bad things just happen to me. I didn't ask for them, but they happened. Why should I get all the pain and no happiness? Is that fair? No. But then again, life is hardly fair to a person like me. I pay my taxes. I am an honest citizen. I should be loved. I deserve love.
I envy others. Envy what they have. Everyone seems to have it better than I do and I'm sick of it...
But as I have said. That will all change.
Like the frost, clinging onto the last days of winter, it will melt and make way for new beginnings every year.
Families are a unit. They can adapt, make way for changes. For better or for worse.
I hope they are ready for my change...
End of Entry
A/N: Hi! Hope you like this new story (sorry the writing's a bit rubbish and depressing :( )Please read and review and you can guess who it is (if its not too obvious) I'll write new entries for different characters soon, if people like the story. I'll also update my other stories soon! Thank-you for reading xxxxxx