A/N: Hola! Lily here. After a long hiatus from the FMA fandom, I'm back. I wrote this inpart as a way to get back into the characters before I start on the promised sequal to Wishing for the Sunset. Anyway, this is RoyEd, onesided RizaRoy, and an Ed Alphons friendship/brotherhood thing. It's set after the end of the series and before the movie in that two year period. Italics are lyrics. The song I used is 'Bed of Lies' by Matchbox Twenty. It's a beautiful song and if you haven't heard it I'd suggest looking it up. Well, I'll quite yapping now. On with the story.
Warning: Whole series spoilers!
Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, Matchbox Twenty, or Bed of Lies.
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
Roy Mustang sighed as he got out of bed and wandered down the hall. He knew Hawkeye knew he was awake. She was a light sleeper and he had never managed to get up without waking her. Somewhere in the back of his mind and the bottom of his heart he felt guilty for letting her believe he loved her, but it wasn't as strong as the pain. He had needed something and Hawkeye was there. It wasn't supposed to last like this. It was supposed to be a short term thing and he still wasn't quite sure when she had moved in. Had it really been the year and a half he remembered it being? Edward's things were in boxes, some of it in his attic and some of it back in Resembool with the Rockbells and Al, all collecting dust while the hope of bringing him back slipped farther and farther out of reach.
Quietly he poured himself a glass of water and went back to bed where he was greeted by a worried look from Riza. He merely shook his head and she sighed and laid back down. She had learned by now that there was no point in pressing the matter.
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
Ed watched Alphons's chest rise and fall gently as he slept. He was still awed by how much this boy resembled his brother. But he was no replacement for the real Al, his Al. He missed him more than he cared to think about. Al, Winry, Aunt Pinako, Hawkeye, Fury, Breda, Havoc, everyone. He missed them all. And Roy. But that was a bit different. He missed the dark eyed man with all he was.
He was glad for the science Alphons was teaching him. It was a welcome distraction from his thoughts of home. Sometimes, though, it made it worse. Sometimes when Alphons would laugh at his obvious confusion it would remind him of Al and sometimes when he was working it would remind him of his alchemy, which reminded him of Roy. But he was learning. Little by little he was learning. Someday he would see them again.
I don't think that I could take another empty moment
Roy could feel a dull ache in his heart when Riza kissed him before they left for headquarters. It was too much, keeping up this illusion.
I don't think that I could fake another hollow smile
Ed put down his wrench and turned from the part he had been working on, staring at his grease smudged hands instead. Without thinking he clapped and pressed his palms to the ground, not really knowing what he was expecting.
"You ok?" Alphons called from the other side of the yard.
Ed glanced up at the rocket they were working on and sighed, forcing a smile. "Yeah. Just thinking."
Well it's not enough just to be lonely
When finally the rest of his unit had gone, Roy opened his desk drawer and took out a picture. Miniature versions of himself and Ed smiled up at him from within the frame. The sun had been shining when the picture was taken and he and Ed hadn't known anyone was watching. Hughes and his camera. God, Roy missed them.
I don't think that I could take another talk about it
"Home again?" Alphons asked curiously. "That looked like that thing you do when you talk about alchemy. Except that one guy. Did you know you snap your fingers when you talk about your commander?"
"No, but that makes sense," Ed said quietly, forced smile fading.
"And when you talk about your brother something changes in the way you look at me," Alphons pointed out. "Maybe it's because I look like him. You do the same thing when I laugh."
"Alphons, please. I don't want to talk about them," Ed said, hanging his head so that the other boy couldn't see the pain in his expression.
"Sorry."
And just like me you've got needs
And they're only a whisper away
"Roy?" Riza called from the doorway. "What time will you be home?"
"As soon as I finish reading these last two reports," Roy called back.
Quietly Riza nodded and shut the door behind her and Roy slipped the picture back into his desk drawer. Why did Fullmetal still plague him? Still. It was over. Ed had been gone for over a year and a half. There was no chance that they would ever see each other again. It was probably best for both of them; best for Ed, wherever he was, and best that Roy stop thinking about him. It had taken the Flame Alchemist the better part of six months to convince himself that Ed wasn't dead. Al had finally talked him into believing it. But Roy couldn't help thinking he was just deluding himself, even if it was for his own good. He needed to be able to hope that he would see the little blonde again, even if he knew logically that it wouldn't happen.
With a sigh he put aside his paperwork, picked up his coat, and headed for the door.
And we softly surrendered
To these lives that we've tendered away
"Come on, Ed," Alphons urged. "Please. It'll do you good."
Ed had had no intention of leaving the house today, but it seemed like Alphons had no intention of leaving without him.
"We've worked so hard for this," the younger boy pled. "This is the big day. This is make or break."
They were to show their rockets today. There would be scientists there. This could be the big break they had been waiting and working for. This could make their future. Still, Ed couldn't shake his gloom. He should have been excited, but they had tested one of the rockets yesterday and when the thing went up in a flash of flame he could almost see Roy standing there smirking with one gloved hand still raised.
"Alright," Ed said finally. "Let me just find my coat. And the gears in my wrist need some oil or I won't be much use to you."
Why not go? He needed to get out of the house and this was the perfect opportunity. Besides, he would get to see what happened with the machines they had worked so hard on.
But I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
When Roy got home Riza was waiting. He took one look at her expression and knew why.
"Roy," she said quietly. "We need to talk."
Roy didn't move from where he stood by the door. It felt as though he had been nailed to the spot by the hurt in her golden eyes. They looked so much like his eyes. And her golden hair looked so much like his, but shorter and not as soft.
"You miss him, don't you?" Riza said, her voice barely more than a whisper as she focused her gaze on the floor. "You loved him."
Roy opened his mouth to speak, but Riza cut him off.
"Don't lie to me," she said, and the slight edge to her voice made Roy feel guiltier still. "I know you did. He always stayed with you when his brother was gone. And I saw the way you two looked at each other when you didn't think anyone would notice. I'm a fool. I knew I was nothing but a replacement, but I still let myself hope it was more than that.
"Roy, it's been over a year and a half. He's not coming back. How long is it going to take you to see that? So I need to know Roy, and I want the truth. Do you love me?"
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I'm marking it down to learning
Cause I can
"Can you believe it Ed?" Alphons exclaimed as he pushed the door shut behind them. "They loved it! And they want us to work with them! Do you know what that means for us?"
Ed nodded and sat down heavily on the couch. He should be happy. He needed to be happy. But the smile wouldn't come.
"Ed?" Alphons said softly, concern replacing the excitement in his voice.
Ed looked up at the gentle hand on his left shoulder. Alphons remembered he couldn't feel the right. The blue eyed boy stood over him with compassion in his eyes.
"We'll get you home," he said sadly.
"Al…" Ed was shocked.
But not as shocked as Alphons looked. "You… called me Al. You never call me that." Quickly the shock was replaced by hurt. "You miss him. I don't blame you. He's your brother, after all. And if your stories are true then you guys were more than just close. It has to hurt not to know what's become of him. He probably feels the same about you." There was a pause and Alphons looked away before he continued speaking.
"And you probably miss your commander, too. The way you talk about him. It kind of freaked me out at first, knowing you were like that."
Ed began to protest, but Alphons raised a hand to silence him.
"Don't lie. It's alright," he said, turning his gaze back to the blonde alchemist. "But you have to be missing home. I can't imagine. I really don't have anyone here. But you… you have a family and… a lover. You have your brother and the Rockbell family you talk so much about… and Roy. I understand. I'd be more surprised if you didn't want to go back to them."
Ed didn't know what to say to that and the two of them lapsed into silence.
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
"Riza…"
The blonde woman looked so tired as she spoke again. "Please, Roy. I have to know. Do you love me?"
He didn't want to tell her the truth. He wanted to keep lying until he believed it too. But it wasn't fair to her. She had a right to know. "I… No. Riza, I don't."
"Thank you," she said softly, smiling sadly up at him. "I'll be by to pick up my things tomorrow. For tonight I'm going to stay with Sciezka."
Slowly she rose, slipped her coat back on, and walked to the door where she picked up a bag Roy had not noticed. But rather than just leaving, she paused. "I mean it Roy, thank you for telling me the truth. This hasn't been easy for any of us."
With that she placed a kiss on his cheek and left. As he watched her go, Roy reached up and wiped away the tear she had left behind.
I don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
"Al…"
"Please, Ed, call me Alphons," the boy said.
"Look, Alphons I'm sorry," Ed said. He almost felt like he was pleading. He wanted Alphons to smile again. He wanted him to be happy.
"Don't be," Alphons said with a sad smile. "This isn't your home. I understand that. You just want to go back to the place you grew up, where your family and your friends are. That's nothing to be sorry for."
"You're like a brother to me," Ed said truthfully.
"And you to me," Alphons agreed. "But we're not. Your brother is back in the place you came from, waiting and worrying. We need to get you back there. He needs you more than I do." He stopped speaking for a moment as a violent coughing fit overcame him. When it passed he smiled wistfully. "Besides, I can't keep you company much longer."
"Don't say that," Ed begged. "You'll be fine. It'll all be alright. I don't mind it here."
"But this is not where you want to be," Alphons said. And he was right.
Where it's not enough just be sorry
Riza wouldn't even look at him the next day, leaving the rest of their squad to wonder what had happened. Roy had apologized, but they both knew that could never make up for it. That afternoon she and Sciezka, with whom she was staying for the time being, came and got her things from Roy's house. She had packed up the night before while she was waiting for him. And some small part of him was relieved, because it meant not having to maintain an illusion any longer, but at the same time he felt incredibly lonely.
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
Ed lay awake again that night. Alphons was smiling in his sleep. Ed envied him for that; he could hardly smile at all. He missed his home. He knew that this was his home now, as his chances of getting back to Ametris were slim to none, but he couldn't help thinking of this place as temporary. Then again, they had said it would be impossible to find the Philosopher's Stone, but he and Al had done it. He would get home. He and Al had done the impossible before and they could do it again. It would just be significantly harder without his alchemy and with the two of them separated.
But there were the people here who he had come to know. Alphons, for instance. And Noah. And Gracia. What of them? Either way he lost. With every day he stayed here the idea of going home grew more and more difficult. When it came right down to it, yes he did want to go home. But at the same time he knew he would miss the people here.
In the darkness on the other side of the room blue eyes opened to find golden ones watching. "Ed?"
"Yeah?"
"Go to sleep."
"I'll try."
As the blue eyes closed and the pale face settled once again Ed could see someone else lying there. He hadn't gotten to see Al now that he had his body back, but this is what Ed imagined he would look like now that he had grown up. Softly he sighed. He knew he wanted to go home, but where exactly was that?
I tried to be more than me
And I gave until it all went away
There was a little fire burning in the fireplace, but the building was still freezing. In silence Roy stared at his bare hands. No more spark-cloth gloves. No need. No more alchemy. He hadn't lost it, he just didn't want it. It hurt too much. With a sigh he glanced around at his bleak surroundings. People had told him he was insane to take this post. Riza had come once to visit and even she had been concerned. He had been sick at the time. It was cold here and he didn't exactly take the best care of himself.
One hand rose to the eye patch that covered left eye. That had been the last time he had seen Ed. That night Riza had saved his life. That was so long ago. It felt like another lifetime, another universe. He had been a different person then. It was odd to think of himself as the cocky womanizer people had thought him to be. He had been cocky and self-assured and he wasn't sure now why that was. Now he doubted many people even knew he was still alive.
And there was Ed. There was no denying it. Ed was dead. He was gone and he wasn't coming back. Ever. Al still hadn't given up hope, but Roy just couldn't believe it anymore. He knew that when Ed had died a little bit of him had died as well. And some nights he was haunted by a blonde spectre that smiled at him from where it sat on the foot of his bed. Others he was overcome by that night so long ago playing over and over in his mind. The cold metal against the soft flesh under his chin, the pain of Maes's grasp on him as he was slammed against the wall, the heat of anger radiating from his friend invading the chill of the desperation that had settled over him as Maes shouted in his face. And now again he was eyeing the pistol on the table and wondering. But he wouldn't do it. Something had changed over those many years. He couldn't do it now it he wanted to.
And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters that we've made
Alphons was getting sicker. He was trying to hide it, but Ed could tell. It was getting harder now. They were working long hours with the team of scientists who had wanted their rocket designs. Ed had a suspicion there was something in that place that was making Alphons sick, but the other boy denied it. Either way there was nothing that could be done.
He wondered what Al was doing right now. What was he thinking about? Did he even remember Ed? Was he trying to get him back like Ed was trying to get home?
And Roy. What of him? Was he still the same cocky bastard Ed remembered? He had probably moved on, as much as it hurt Ed to admit that.
But he knew he couldn't dwell on the past. It was over. Ametris may as well have been a dream. Still he couldn't drive it from his mind. Sometimes it was fun to try to picture Al and Winry's wedding, since he knew it was inevitable that they would be married someday. He laughed when he thought of the arguments they used to have as kids over who would marry her. Of course it would be Al. Ed had always known that. But that brought up other things. It brought up images of Rose, calling for him and pleading. She loved him, he knew. Every time he saw Noah, he saw Rose. Every time he thought of her he felt awful because he knew he had broken her heart. And it brought up an image of Roy and Hawkeye. It only seemed right, somehow. As much as he didn't want to see Roy with anyone else, he knew that that was what would have happened had he not come along. So it was only natural that that was what would happen in his absence.
And with each passing day of watching Alphons's health deteriorate he felt a little more of his hope slipping away. With each passing day he felt a little older, even though he was still young. With each passing day his life seemed more and more impossible until he almost couldn't bear the thought of going on. And with each sunset he felt his spirit break a little more.
But I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
Roy lay awake in the dark. There was something there, but at the same time he was alone. It was going to be another one of those nights. Those sleepless eternities when he could swear Ed was there with him, but just out of reach. He could see the fire reflected in his golden eyes, he could hear his soft laughter and his solemn voice, he could smell his hair like warm vanilla and ash just as always, and he could feel his warmth as he lay there next to him just far enough away that he couldn't be touched. It was eerie how real it all seemed even though he knew it couldn't be.
It was this post. He knew it was getting to him. He was out here alone, a million miles from anywhere, with little to no human contact. It was starting to eat away at his sanity. With a sigh he closed his eyes and got up. He didn't need to see to get around in here. May be he would go out and just walk. No. That would be stupid. It was the middle of the night and well below freezing. Without a sound he turned back toward his bed and opened his good eye. The Ed illusion was sitting up now, watching him. Why did these things have to be so damn real?
"What do you want?" Mustang rasped, his voice rough with disuse.
Still the thing just stared at him. He really was losing it, asking questions of a delusion. And worse yet he had really thought for a moment that he would get an answer. But from the way the thing was looking at him it almost seemed that he had. Hanging his head, he closed his eyes again and when he opened them the illusion was gone. Just like the real Ed. Gone in the blink of an eye.
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I'm marking it down to learning
"Roy?" Ed whispered in the fire-lit darkness. He was sitting down in the kitchen because he didn't want to bother Alphons while he was trying to sleep. He was alone and he knew it, but he could swear he had just seen something move. There by the fireplace stood a solemn man in a blue uniform. His deep blue eyes were downcast, the light of the fire reflected in them so that they shone the same way they would in a fight. Ed could see the white of the spark-cloth gloves that covered the raven haired man's hands. He looked so sad. Ed almost didn't recognize him because he lacked the spark he had always associated with Mustang. Finally the man looked up at him and smiled wistfully.
"Roy," Ed breathed. "What are you doing here?"
But the figure didn't answer, merely looked past Ed to the doorway. Anxiously Ed turned to see what he was looking at, but saw nothing. When he turned back, Roy was gone.
"Roy?" he called brokenly. Had he been nothing but an illusion after all?
"Ed?"
The small alchemist turned around to see Alphons leaning against the door frame, dark circles clearly visible under his tired eyes.
"Ed, what are you doing?" he asked worriedly.
Desperately Ed turned back to the fireplace, but to no avail. Roy was gone. "I just thought…"
Alphons placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and whispered. "You just miss him, that's all. Come on. Back to bed."
Ed allowed himself to be led away without protest, but he never took his eyes from the place Roy had stood. It couldn't have been an illusion. He needed it to be real, even if he knew that was impossible.
I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands
Over me and don't go weak on me please
Again Roy found himself sitting by the fire, just staring into the flames, unable to sleep. He held in his hands Ed's uniform. The boy had very seldom worn it, but Roy had kept it after Ed vanished and he had brought it with him when he came to this frozen oblivion of a military post. There were several pictures on the ledge above the fireplace. One was of himself and Maes when they were still in training. They had been so young and hopeful back then. The next was of his squad just after Ed had been made an official alchemist. Even though he wasn't military, Al was in picture too, still in his armour. They looked so happy then and he couldn't get over the way Ed's eyes shone with pride at having achieved his goal of becoming a state alchemist. The one after that was of Ed and Al before their first mission. Ed looked hopeful and a little nervous in spite of Al's heavy hand on his shoulder. Roy had kept that picture all these years and was always amazed when he looked back at it and saw how much both boys had changed. Next was the picture of him and Ed that Maes had taken without them knowing. He loved that picture. They had just been sitting there in the sunshine, smiling at each other, but Maes had managed to capture it in such a way that you could see the intensity and intimacy between them. The last picture was of him and Riza. It seemed so out of place among the others. There was none of the hope there, and very little of the joy.
In silence he looked back into the flames and hugged Ed's uniform to his chest. The void the boy had left was quickly becoming an all consuming black hole, destroying everything Roy had hoped for.
I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this
Alphons watched curiously as Ed knelt and drew an elaborate circle in the dirt at the corner of the yard. Alphons had seen that circle before; it was the one the older boy had drawn when he had described the fire alchemy his commander was famous for. When the circle was finished he watched Ed place something in the centre of it. It was a carving he had seen Ed working on for the past week and a half. It was of two figures. There was a tall figure with short hair and a solemn expression who stood behind a shorter figure with long hair and a long coat. The tall figure had his arms around the short figure's waist. It hadn't taken Alphons long to figure out who they were.
There was a strong smell of kerosene and when Ed reached for a box of matches Alphons knew what he intended to do. Sure enough, Ed struck a match and held it out with his mechanical arm until the figurine caught with a whoosh.
"Ed?" Alphons said softly. "What are you doing?"
Ed didn't look away from the burning figures as he answered. "It's over. I know that, but it just seems more final this way."
With that they were silent, watching the miniature Ed and Roy burn. In reality Ed was watching his hope float away with the smoke.
I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
Roy glanced over his shoulder at the box in which he had put Ed's uniform and all of the pictures from above the fireplace. It was the middle of the night, but he couldn't sleep. He had finally packed away all of the things that reminded him of Ed. It had been long enough. He needed to let go.
Outside a heavy snow was falling, covering everything in a stifling layer of white. It was just like the rain on the night when he had first met the young alchemist. It was one of those fierce, dark storms that threatened to drown everything. It was fitting somehow. But no more. No more thoughts of Ed. It was time to let go and move on. Time to sleep. In the morning he would start over.
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I'm marking it down to learning
Cause I can
When Ed woke the next morning, he hardly spared the burnt circle in the yard more than a passing glance. It was over. He figured he would always look for a way home, but as far as he was concerned anything connected with that world was over. This was his home now. Alphons and Noah were his family. He would always miss Ametris and he would always miss Al and Roy, but he had to move on. This was where he belonged now. Still, he couldn't extinguish the tiny flame of hope he still held that someday he would make it home again.