Summary: I planned to finish my senior year, marry my dream girl, and maybe go into accounting. Now I'm tutoring sexy swordsmen, spying on teachers, and uncovering murder plots. So this is either my life, or a train wreck. I honestly can't tell the difference anymore.AU

Disclaimer: If I was Oda, I would have more than five dollars in my pocket.

A/N: So I have an awesome beta who made this thing readable. Three cheers for magique! Mkay, this story is gonna be a little hard to follow since I've had this crazy idea in my head forever. But now that I've written a few other fan fictions, I knew I had to get this down on paper. Erm, only two characters in here will go past the Alabaster arc, so if you're not that far into the series this shouldn't hurt you too much. I'll be using a few filler characters, hopefully that won't confuse you manga readers. I suppose this is an AU, really it's more like a "if the OP universe had a high schools" sorta thing. Usopp will be telling you most of anything I left out. Don't hold it against him if he gets a little dramatic. And be sure to review, okay darlings?

000

I was born with a 3 inch long nose.

For once, I'm not exaggerating. My parents loved it. It was identical to my mom's nose and I was proud of it.

Then I started school, and it was like holding a neon sign that said ,"BEAT ME," in pretty, flashing colors.

It's about nine inches long now, and has been broken so many times that I have Christmas dinner with the guys at the ER. Really.

Still proud of it, though.

So where the hell am I going with this? Hold on, I'll explain.

First, let me tell you what this is not.

This is not a story about Zoro and Sanji's hot, passionate love affair. In fact, this is the last you will read about Zoro and Sanji's hot, passionate love affair. (Not, you know, forever or something because I don't have that kind of power). I mean, they're both nice and all, but I'd rather have my finger nails pulled out one by one then walk in on Zoro and Sanji's hot, passionate love affair. Since this is my story damnit we will stop talking about those two people who's hot, passionate, love affair will never be thought of again. Ever.(In this story).

This is not yaoi, or shounen-ai.

Just kidding. I have no clue what this is, because there's this girl (and she's wonderful) and then there's this guy (and he's stupid, a little scary, but sexy as hell-)

Screw that, moving on.

This is a story about some kid. One whose dad ditched him to become a pirate. One whose mom died shortly after. A kid who learned not to borrow money from girls with orange hair(the interest rate is ridiculous) and that real friendships are formed in the oddest of situations.

He's learned janitors' closets are particularly roomy (big enough for two). That if you think your study hall teacher's creepy, get the hell outta there. And that while mornings "after" aren't all that awkward, they certainly aren't full of love confessions.

He's a liar too. I think it comes with the nose.

He hopes you weren't expecting something beautiful, with long pretty words, flowery ukes, and sex in the first chapter. (Not that he doesn't like sex. He's a seventeen year old boy, isn't he?) No, this isn't that kind of story. There, I've told you. You can leave now if you want. I certainly won't hold it against you.

So, you're gonna stick around? Here's your last warning: this is awkward, this is crude, this is quirky, but this?

This is my life.

Signed,

A Teenage Longnose